Tax Day = Crazy Day??
I'm a tax preparer. Today, April 15th, was of course, Tax Day. It's the last day to file on time, so the office was CRAZY busy. I'd like to emphasize the CRAZY, because it doesn't only apply to "busy." It applies to the clients as well.
Here's the run down on some of the people I met with today:
1. Toothless Carpenter Woman and rabid Hillary Clinton supporter
As the name says, she was a toothless carpenter and a big Hillary Clinton supporter. Now, it wasn't the trade or the Hillary support or even really the toothlessness that bothered me. I mean hey, building stuff for a living or voting Hillary or being anti-dental hygiene, to each her own, right? The main issue was that this woman was desperately trying to pick me up. And she wasn't taking no for an answer. I was trying to be very, very nice about it. You can be a lesbian, that's totally cool. I'll be friends with you still. But, I don't exactly swing that way. And no matter how many times you beg, plead, or slip me your phone number, I will not go get a drink with you after work. And I won't go with you to Hillary Clinton headquarters to pick up signs so we can protest the John McCain rally tonight. I'm sorry, it's just not my thing. And I have to go to school anyway. Sorry. But no worries, I got your number. If I change my mind (not happening), I'll give you a call.
Oh, and one more thing- I'm thinking that none of your friends in the legal field can help me get an associate position, no matter how much you say they can. Because by "friends in the legal field" I mean the lawyers who have gotten her out of her drunk driving and drug arrests and helped her mother not be evicted from her apartment. And your sister, who you are currently not speaking to, probably can't help me either since she hasn't been a paralegal in over ten years, which is when she was knocked up for the third time by some deadbeat loser. Why do I know this much about this woman's family? Because she WOULD.NOT.STOP.TALKING.
2. Old High School Classmate of Toothless Carpenter Woman
Now, this guy was kind of amusing. He was a former high school classmate of Toothless Carpenter Woman. Apparently, they hated each other. Toothless Carpenter Woman doesn't remember this though, because she was high most of high school. This guy remembers though, and not surprisingly, he still hates Toothless Carpenter Woman. They had words. Lots of them. And very few of them were nice. And when Toothless Carpenter Woman FINALLY left, he had lots more of them to say. He also threatened to take her out in the parking lot. No idea if he did, I guess I'll find out when I try to call Toothless Carpenter Woman (not happening).
Also, Old High School Classmate also had job advice for me. He agreed that Toothless Carpenter Woman's "friends" wouldn't get me a job. He said that, instead of calling her, I should get 500 business cards printed and drive to Washington, D.C. And then I should stand on the steps to the capitol building, and pass them out to congressmen as they pass. Because yes, handing my business card (what business? I'm unemployed) to congressmen will get me a tax attorney job. Perhaps in his world, but it's highly unlikely in mine.
3. Doomsday Prophet and Government Conspiracy Theorist
Doomsday Prophet would probably have been my favorite client today, had he not been so fucking scary. He had the Charles Manson look about (minus the swastika on his forehead). He totally could have been a creepy cult leader or serial killer. Anyway, Doomsday Prophet wrote a book (or rather, The Word, as he calls it) about the true religion and the end of the world. I don't know what to make about The Word, other than, from the few passages he read and the blessing he performed on my co-worker and I, it sounded fucking crazy. The Prophet (because apparently he is the one true Prophet) said that the true religion most closely resembles Hinduism. I'll take his word for it.
Anyway, this particular guy wasn't much interested in having his tax return prepared as he was selling us his word. He was collecting investments in his religion. But he didn't like calling them investments, because really, it's not a financial investment. But rather an investment in our salvation. Because he can't promise us a return on our investment, but he can promise us a place in heaven. And this salvation is needed more than ever right now because the end of the world is nigh. Well sign me up!!
Doomsday Prophet was especially crazy because he was also a government conspiracy theorist. He is convinced that the government has discovered his religion, knows it's the one true religion, and is therefore suppressing it. His basis for this belief is that every time he sets up an eBay listing to sell his word, the listing is removed. Naturally, it must be the government. Who else would it be? It couldn't possibly be the eBay admins removing a crazy-ass listing. That'd be too much of a stretch, I'm sure.
4. Autistic Woman and Child
I kind of felt bad for Autistic Woman and Child. I escorted the woman to my desk and she sat there and said nothing. No one told me when I brought her in that she was autistic. Instead, I just sat there like an idiot asking her questions. I was really confused why she wouldn't talk and wouldn't look at me at all. It was a good thirty minutes of me talking to myself before one of my co-workers came in to help. This particular co-worker had worked with this woman before and the woman was comfortable enough with her to talk with her. So, I was able to prepare her taxes that way. It was a little difficult though, because her child, which had been silent while his mother silent, suddenly started screaming after awhile. And he wouldn't stop. Turns out he was autistic, too.
5. Crack Addict complete with Crack Pipe
This woman was another nut case. I was taking too long finishing her return. It wasn't my fault though, it was because we lacked a working printer (loooong story) and we had to share the one in the director's office- which involved saving the returns to a flash drive and taking it to the desktop across the hall, and printing it there. Anyway, I noticed this woman starting to get very, very, very jittery after awhile. She was very antsy- tapping her fingers on the desk, dancing with her feet, etc. She kept reaching into her bag and fingering something, and then pulling her hand out and looking around. Finally, she just pulled out an orange crack pipe and started tapping it on the table. When I finally got her paperwork printed out and was explaining it to her, she was using the crack pipe as her pointer to point to various things on the return. When she saw me eying the pipe, she told me I couldn't have it. I told her not to worry, it's not really my thing. Then she said alcohol must be my thing. I said, no, not really. Then she asked me why not, because if it was good enough for Nixon than it must be good enough for me. I said that my vices tend to be legal ones that won't get me into any trouble. So then she just assumed that I must be a pill popper like Kennedy. I just said sure and sent her on her way.
Thank God tax season is over. I need a break from these people.
On a slight tangent, but still related to my job-
I commented a few weeks ago to my roommate, that you never meet anyone named Adolf anymore (for obvious reasons of course). But sure enough, the very next day at work, I prepared taxes for a very nice 27-year old man named Adolf. Go figure.
Here's the run down on some of the people I met with today:
1. Toothless Carpenter Woman and rabid Hillary Clinton supporter
As the name says, she was a toothless carpenter and a big Hillary Clinton supporter. Now, it wasn't the trade or the Hillary support or even really the toothlessness that bothered me. I mean hey, building stuff for a living or voting Hillary or being anti-dental hygiene, to each her own, right? The main issue was that this woman was desperately trying to pick me up. And she wasn't taking no for an answer. I was trying to be very, very nice about it. You can be a lesbian, that's totally cool. I'll be friends with you still. But, I don't exactly swing that way. And no matter how many times you beg, plead, or slip me your phone number, I will not go get a drink with you after work. And I won't go with you to Hillary Clinton headquarters to pick up signs so we can protest the John McCain rally tonight. I'm sorry, it's just not my thing. And I have to go to school anyway. Sorry. But no worries, I got your number. If I change my mind (not happening), I'll give you a call.
Oh, and one more thing- I'm thinking that none of your friends in the legal field can help me get an associate position, no matter how much you say they can. Because by "friends in the legal field" I mean the lawyers who have gotten her out of her drunk driving and drug arrests and helped her mother not be evicted from her apartment. And your sister, who you are currently not speaking to, probably can't help me either since she hasn't been a paralegal in over ten years, which is when she was knocked up for the third time by some deadbeat loser. Why do I know this much about this woman's family? Because she WOULD.NOT.STOP.TALKING.
2. Old High School Classmate of Toothless Carpenter Woman
Now, this guy was kind of amusing. He was a former high school classmate of Toothless Carpenter Woman. Apparently, they hated each other. Toothless Carpenter Woman doesn't remember this though, because she was high most of high school. This guy remembers though, and not surprisingly, he still hates Toothless Carpenter Woman. They had words. Lots of them. And very few of them were nice. And when Toothless Carpenter Woman FINALLY left, he had lots more of them to say. He also threatened to take her out in the parking lot. No idea if he did, I guess I'll find out when I try to call Toothless Carpenter Woman (not happening).
Also, Old High School Classmate also had job advice for me. He agreed that Toothless Carpenter Woman's "friends" wouldn't get me a job. He said that, instead of calling her, I should get 500 business cards printed and drive to Washington, D.C. And then I should stand on the steps to the capitol building, and pass them out to congressmen as they pass. Because yes, handing my business card (what business? I'm unemployed) to congressmen will get me a tax attorney job. Perhaps in his world, but it's highly unlikely in mine.
3. Doomsday Prophet and Government Conspiracy Theorist
Doomsday Prophet would probably have been my favorite client today, had he not been so fucking scary. He had the Charles Manson look about (minus the swastika on his forehead). He totally could have been a creepy cult leader or serial killer. Anyway, Doomsday Prophet wrote a book (or rather, The Word, as he calls it) about the true religion and the end of the world. I don't know what to make about The Word, other than, from the few passages he read and the blessing he performed on my co-worker and I, it sounded fucking crazy. The Prophet (because apparently he is the one true Prophet) said that the true religion most closely resembles Hinduism. I'll take his word for it.
Anyway, this particular guy wasn't much interested in having his tax return prepared as he was selling us his word. He was collecting investments in his religion. But he didn't like calling them investments, because really, it's not a financial investment. But rather an investment in our salvation. Because he can't promise us a return on our investment, but he can promise us a place in heaven. And this salvation is needed more than ever right now because the end of the world is nigh. Well sign me up!!
Doomsday Prophet was especially crazy because he was also a government conspiracy theorist. He is convinced that the government has discovered his religion, knows it's the one true religion, and is therefore suppressing it. His basis for this belief is that every time he sets up an eBay listing to sell his word, the listing is removed. Naturally, it must be the government. Who else would it be? It couldn't possibly be the eBay admins removing a crazy-ass listing. That'd be too much of a stretch, I'm sure.
4. Autistic Woman and Child
I kind of felt bad for Autistic Woman and Child. I escorted the woman to my desk and she sat there and said nothing. No one told me when I brought her in that she was autistic. Instead, I just sat there like an idiot asking her questions. I was really confused why she wouldn't talk and wouldn't look at me at all. It was a good thirty minutes of me talking to myself before one of my co-workers came in to help. This particular co-worker had worked with this woman before and the woman was comfortable enough with her to talk with her. So, I was able to prepare her taxes that way. It was a little difficult though, because her child, which had been silent while his mother silent, suddenly started screaming after awhile. And he wouldn't stop. Turns out he was autistic, too.
5. Crack Addict complete with Crack Pipe
This woman was another nut case. I was taking too long finishing her return. It wasn't my fault though, it was because we lacked a working printer (loooong story) and we had to share the one in the director's office- which involved saving the returns to a flash drive and taking it to the desktop across the hall, and printing it there. Anyway, I noticed this woman starting to get very, very, very jittery after awhile. She was very antsy- tapping her fingers on the desk, dancing with her feet, etc. She kept reaching into her bag and fingering something, and then pulling her hand out and looking around. Finally, she just pulled out an orange crack pipe and started tapping it on the table. When I finally got her paperwork printed out and was explaining it to her, she was using the crack pipe as her pointer to point to various things on the return. When she saw me eying the pipe, she told me I couldn't have it. I told her not to worry, it's not really my thing. Then she said alcohol must be my thing. I said, no, not really. Then she asked me why not, because if it was good enough for Nixon than it must be good enough for me. I said that my vices tend to be legal ones that won't get me into any trouble. So then she just assumed that I must be a pill popper like Kennedy. I just said sure and sent her on her way.
Thank God tax season is over. I need a break from these people.
On a slight tangent, but still related to my job-
I commented a few weeks ago to my roommate, that you never meet anyone named Adolf anymore (for obvious reasons of course). But sure enough, the very next day at work, I prepared taxes for a very nice 27-year old man named Adolf. Go figure.