(no subject)
"Femme seeking transman, 25-35. Likes: coffee, parks,
children and long talks. Dislikes: petty arguments,
narrow minds, snakes and 3/4 sleeve shirts. 9095524736."
I find this ad on my kitchen table very early this dreary Monday morning. It has been printed off of the computer from a local dating website. I sigh, shake my head and shuffle to the counter to make the first pot of coffee. While I wait for the coffee and my children, I studiously avoid looking at the ad a second time. To occupy myself, I fret about whether or not to cut my hair in the afternoon, when Shane, my oldest child, gets home from school. Several minutes later, the coffee is ready and my children start to stumble into the kitchen.
"Mornin', Da," my youngest boi, Jess, murmurs as hy reaches for his coffee cup.
"Hey, Lucas," Taylor, the middle boy, smiles at me as he dumps equal parts coffee, milk and sugar into his cup. Without thinking, he grabs a smaller cup for Crissy, his little sister and my youngest child.
"Good morning, boys. Are Shane and Crissy amongst the living quite yet?" I lean against the counter with my back to a window overlooking our front yard. Jess shakes his head and Taylor laughs.
"It's five A.M. , Lucas. Of course they're not up yet. You'll be lucky if Shane gets up today; it's Senior Skip Day at the high school," Taylor takes a swig of his drink and grimaces. That's what he gets for ruining perfectly good coffee with milk and sugar.
A sigh escapes me, "Senior Skip Day? Doesn't he have a presentation to give today?" Taylor shrugs. "Jess, would you go get Crissy for me?" I set my mug down and start toward the basement stairs. I hear a chair scraping against my slate floor and assume Jess is doing as I asked.
I quietly make my way down the stairs and through the hallway to my eldest child's room. There are games and clothes strewn about, I even accidentally step on one of Crissy's G.I. Joe action figures. Once at Shane's door, I regard the "KNOCK FIRST PLZKTHNX!!" sign and wish my own generation had never thought up such terribly stupid terms. Because I typically acquiesce in regards to my children's wishes, I knock on his door.
"Shane? Shane Oliver, I'm coming in!" I turn the door knob, hoping I wouldn't catch him in the middle of a tryst with his partner of four years, Michelle.
I see two lumps in the bed, apparently Michelle did spend the night. "Shane Oliver Levens-Cormac, get your ass out of bed now!" I flip the light switch by the door. His room is flooded with a green tint. Audible groans emerge from the covers before the teenagers manage to.
Shane sits up first, "Da! It's fucking five A.M. Why are you waking me up now?" His tow-headed friend, who I now see is not Michelle, becomes increasingly self-concious as hy gathers his wits.
I chuckle gently, "Because you're not skipping today; you have that presentation on growing up in a foster home to give for your English class. Who's your friend?" Shane looks at the person next to himself, as if he can't remember.
"This is Xander, Chelle set us up. Xander, this is my Da, Lucas. Call him Lucas or Da or sir if you're really as scared as you look," Shane tousles Xander's hair, looking at the boi with a fondness bordering on adoration.
"Well, hello, Xander. Yes, as Shane said, I'm Lucas or Da or sir. You're in a safe, open household. There's nothing to be embarrassed about; you are more than welcome to stay the night whenever you like; everyone else does," I put my hand out for Xander to shake, which he does promptly.
Suddenly, Shane realizes what I've said, "I can't skip? But, Da...Everyone is skipping today. I could give the presentation tomorrow..." He wheedles and pouts. I just laugh.
"Do you hear yourself? You're looking childish in front of Xander. Xander, you're not skipping today, are you?" I realize hy was probably planning to, but, would never say so in front of me.
"Of course not, Mr--Sir. I have to be at school, to hear Shane's presentation," Xander says quietly. Shane punches Xander in the arm. "Ow, damn it, Shane, that fucking hurt. I wasn't going to skip until you asked me to skip," he says, rubbing the spot on his arm gently.
I turn and start digging in the clean clothes pile on Shane's floor. "Xander, did you bring a change of clothes for school?" I ask, tossing a couple pairs of jeans, two polos, two undershirts and several pairs of boxers and socks at the bed behind me.
"Yessir," Xander jumps out of bed and grabs a blue duffle bag that was sitting on his side of the bed.
"Good boi; Shane, get dressed. If you two are going to shower, shower together to conserve the damned water. We have to leave early, Jess has some Christian group before school. You can borrow the motorcycle if you hurry and get out of here before we leave. Otherwise you're riding in the van and Crissy sits on someone's lap," I kiss Shane on the top of his head, give Xander a side hug and make my exit before Shane can bitch about maybe riding in the van.
Back upstairs, Crissy and Taylor are dressed and ready to go, but Jess is nowhere in sight. "Where is Jess?" I ask, grabbing Crissy into my arms on my way to my room.
"Hy's looking for hys Bible," Crissy states in a no nonsense tone. I kiss her on the cheek and set her on my bed.
"Do you know where hys Bible is, Crissy?" I ask as I yank khakis and a hunter green button down shirt out of my closet.
She jumps off my bed to get my shoes and socks, "Maybe...I tried to tell him to look under the couch; I dunno if he did or not." She waits patiently for me to get my clothes on before handing me my socks and shoes.
I sigh and hurry to get dressed so I can grab Jess's Bible and money for everyone's lunch. Crissy picks up a necklace on my dresser, "Da, what is this?" The necklace is a tiny white gold chain with a heart pendant with a C and a T carved in it. "Your birth mother gave that to me right before...well, anyway, it represents you and your brother Taylor. If you would like, you may wear it today." She grins and quickly puts it on. We rush back into the kitchen, this time Taylor, Jess, Shane and Xander are also there.
"Okay, Shane, you and Xander may ride to the high school on the motorcycle. Grab both of the helmets, make sure Xander knows how to be safe; if any teacher gives you trouble, call and I'll come work it out," I toss my son the key to the motorcycle, "Be safe. Xander, it was nice meeting you, I hope to see you again soon. Shane, I love you, son."
Shane catches the key, "Thanks, Da. I love you too!" He grabs Xander by the arm and propels hym outside.
"Jess, got your Bible?" I start distributing money for lunches; Shane started buying his lunches his junior year as soon as he got a job.
"Yes, Da. It was under the couch...Are you sure you're okay with me going to this group? I won't if you don't like it," Jess looks at me with worry in hys eyes.
I pull my youngest son to me and hug hym tight. "Jess, son of mine, I'm not Christian myself, but, if this is what you want to do, I support that whole heartedly. You know that very well," I ruffle hys hair and herd them out to the van. Crissy grabs my fedora and hands it to me just before we get into the van.
Our first stop is Parry Day School, the advanced elementary school. At 10 years old, Crissy is quite precocious and is perhaps even advanced for the advanced school.
She gives her brothers and me kisses and hops out of the van. Without looking back, a feat that took five years to accomplish, she rushes to tell her friends about Xander; her brother's new friend and her new-found crush.
Goshen Junior High is Jess's stop. "Jess, I love you. If any teachers forget and call you Jessica, you know who to go to. Don't worry, you're my sweet boi and if you need me, I'm not far away," I ruffle hys hair again, fully aware how embarrassing it would be for me to kiss hym in front of hys school.
"Love you, Da. Bye, Tae," hy jumps out of the van and hurries toward his Christian friends.
Now it's just Taylor and me in the van. He's a little miffed that he has to ride in the van when Shane's driving the motorcycle to the high school. "Now, Tae, you know Shane would have taken you if he didn't have Xander over last night. We can go riding when Shane gets home from classes if you want," I glance beside myself to gauge his reaction to this idea.
"Okay, Lucas. Can Lizbeth sleep over tonight?" Taylor asks quickly.
I consider my response. He's a freshman in high school and it's the start of the year. If I remember correctly, Lizbeth is also a freshman in high school. Also, I think she's a genderqueer teen. "What are Lizbeth's folks like, Tae?" I ask gently.
Taylor's face scrunches up in what looks like anger, "They call her Edgar still. And, if I go there, I have to call her Edgar too, or I have to come home. If she can't sleep over, could she at least have dinner with us? I want her to know that my Da is accepting and loving, even if her parents can't be right now."
I wonder, briefly, if my heart has stopped. "You, you called me Da, Tae," I feel a huge grin on my face and hope it doesn't embarrass him.
"Yes, I did. I know I call you Lucas, but, you're more of a Da than my own father ever could be. And I didn't just say it to get you to let Lizbeth to come over," Taylor says. We are in front of the high school and he's clearly waiting for an answer.
"Thank you, Tae. Is Lizbeth standing outside right now?" I ask. Taylor nods. "Call her over to the van; I want to talk to her for a second," I instruct him, getting out of the van in the process. Taylor also emerges from the van and motions to someone a ways away from us to come over.
When she arrives, Taylor introduces us, "Da, this is Lizbeth. Lizbeth, this is Lucas, Da or sir. Please can she come to dinner?"
"Hello, Lizbeth. I hear you've recently come out; you're a very beautiful young lady, you know," I shake her dainty hand.
Lizbeth, a lanky looking girl with long auburn hair, smiles shyly at me, "Thank you, sir." I grin.
"Miss Lizbeth, I would be honored if you would come to our house for dinner tonight. I can call your parents for you, if you would like," I say. Taylor grins widely.
She gasps, "You'd call them for me, sir?" Her voice is soft and fairly androgynous. I nod. Unexpectedly, she hugs me tightly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!" Taylor laughs softly and I gently hug her back.
"You are most welcome. Now, the both of you better get inside; Tae, have your bother call me on his lunch. I love you. Miss Lizbeth, it was an absolute pleasure to meet you, and I look forward to dining with you this evening," I motion them away and start to get into the van again.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around, Lizbeth is standing in front of me, looking at her shoes. "Mr. Lucas...You should know...You'll have to ask my parents if Edgar might eat dinner at your house...They don't like to know my true name just yet," her voice cracks slightly. My heart is breaking for this child.
I pull her into a hug, "Miss Lizbeth...How old do you think I am?" She shakes her head. "I am 32 years old and my parents haven't spoken to me since I was 18 years old. They still don't know Lucas, only Laura. I will ask if he may come to dinner. Don't worry, in my house, you will always be Lizbeth."
She looks shocked, "You're a transman, Lucas?" I nod and gently let her go.
"We can talk about it over dinner, Miss Lizbeth. Have a wonderful day," I tip my fedora to her and get into the van. Lizbeth smiles and watches as I drive away.
Back at home, I get out the high school directory and place a call to Lizbeth's house. "Randall residence, Kathy speaking!" Is the cheery reply on the other end of the phone.
"Hello, Mrs. Randall? It's Lucas O'Brien, Taylor's father?" I hold my breath.
There's a pause and then, "Oh, Mr. O'Brien! You helped at the faculty silent auction at Parry Day School last month. Aren't you also Crissy's father?" Kathy asks brightly.
"Yes, that's me, got a right litter over here it seems some days. I was calling because Taylor was hoping Edgar could come to dinner at our house tonight, and perhaps he could stay over? I would take them to school in the morning," I attempt to give her all the information up front so she won't have too many questions.
Kathy responds, "Dinner and a sleep over on a Monday night? Oh, wait, they have some project together, don't they? In Art History?" Project? What fucking project? I decide to grill Taylor later today.
"Yes, yes they do. And, Edgar could just borrow some of Taylor's clothes in the morning, so he wouldn't necessarily have to come home. I'd make sure all their homework was completed," I fake knowledge about the project.
"Well, you were an awful big help at the auction, and my Raquel and your Cristina are such good friends...It stands to reason our boys would be friends too. Perhaps Cristina could spend the night here over the weekend in exchange?" She seems to like the idea very much.
I nod, and remember she can't see me, "Of course, I'll just have to check that Crissy doesn't have a family visit or anything this weekend, but, that should work wonderfully. So, I'll pick the boys up after school and you'll see Edgar after school tomorrow?"
"That sounds absolutely marvelous. Then you could either call me or just give Edgar a note letting me know if Cristina will be visiting on the weekend or not," Kathy says.
"Perfect! Have a wonderful day, Mrs. Randall!" I'm grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh, Lucas, do call me Kathy. Well, talk to you later," Kathy hangs up and so do I.
I wander into my home office to do some paperwork before my first patient arrives. I am a psychologist with gender and sexuality as my focus, most of my patients are people who have Gender Identity Disorder and identify as some variation of transsexual. Most are opting to transition, as I did 14 years ago. My job is one of the main reasons I have been lucky enough to foster the four children I have.
Shane is my oldest and came to me first. He was abused as a child and had to reconcile that to why he felt he was a man. I began fostering him when he was seven years old and by the time he was 11 years old, I legally adopted him. Right before he went through puberty, he started saying he wasn't a girl, that he felt like a boy. Through a few sessions with an impartial psychologist, we discovered that this might not just be a phase. So, thanking the gods he'd spoken up in time, his social worker and I thought it prudent to start him on hormone blockers for the time being. When he turned 14 years old and was still adamant that he was a boy, I gave the go ahead for him to begin taking testosterone and start the transition process. At 18 years old, his current age, he has been on testosterone for four years, has had top surgery and once he turns 21 years old, will be eligible for bottom surgery. We legally changed his name to Shane Oliver Levens-Cormac when he turned 15 years old.
My next oldest, Taylor, came to me when he was eight years old and his sister, Crissy, was four years old. I actually am their legal guardian because their mother, Molly Johnson, was my best friend. She died the year they came to me, and left instructions in her will for the children to live with me. Taylor and Crissy's father is serving a life sentence in prison several states away. They are my two "normal" children. Both are very sympathetic to their brothers' lives and to mine, but, neither are very alternative. Taylor has a huge crush on his friend Lizbeth, who he met when they were about nine years old. Crissy is precocious, as I mentioned previously, and she will probably graduate college before Taylor and Jess, but probably after Shane. Because of the way they came to me, I don't plan to adopt them until they are older and we have had many long conversations about the idea.
Then there's Jess. My sweet baby boi. Hy is 11 years old and I just began fostering hym a year ago. When hy was placed with me, by the state, hy was being handled by Shane's social worker. She told me that Jess was a lot like Shane, and we would probably want to explore hys identity more closely. Jess came to me with two suitcases full of girls' clothing. The first night I had hym, I sat hym down in the living room with Shane and myself and made sure hy understood that we were hys family, in no uncertain terms, and we would love hym no matter who hy was. Poor Jess looked at me in amazement, clearly this was not how he was used to being treated.
I sent Jess to bed that night and laid out a few outfits ranging from female to gender neutral to male in nature. When hy woke up that next morning, he chose the button-down shirt, slacks and dress shoes for hys first day of school. After a few months, I finally got hym in to see the same psychologist who counsels Shane. "You've brought me another one then, Lucas?" Was all Dr. Steinberger asked me at that time. Jess is much happier now, having discovered hy is most likely genderqueer and will remain as such until hy is much older. Hy gave hys girl clothes to Crissy as soon as she asked. My reminiscing takes me until my first appointment of the day. "Dr. Cormac?" I hear a lilting voice in my hallway.
"Come in, Georgia!" I say loudly. I shuffle papers and files until I emerge from the mess with hers in my hand.
A petite, 30 something year old woman sashays into my office. She's wearing a light pink suit jacket and skirt with a wide-brimmed pink hat and carrying a cream colored purse. "Good morning, Doctor," she says demurely.
I smile and open her file, "Good morning, Georgia. How are you this morning?" I grab a felt tipped pen and prepare to take notes.
She sits in the over stuffed plush chair beside my desk, "I'm just fine, Doctor. How are you this fine morning?"
"Just fine, but, we aren't here to talk about me; we're here to talk about you. How have you been dealing with your grief following our loss of Josef?" I scribble Josef's name in the margins of my legal pad, followed by a rudimentary tombstone. Georgia looks a little distraught over my question.
"Honestly, Lucas, I have no idea. I've not really changed my daily routine...Except for the parts Josef used to be in. I started going to Temple again, like he would want. You know, I don't really believe all the fantastical things the rabbi is saying, but, it sounds exquisite. Is that bad? To call my lover's beliefs fantastical and exquisite? Am I helping or hurting his memory when I go to Shabbat services if I don't necessarily believe the things I'm told there?" Georgia sits back in her chair and looks deep into my eyes. Here's the hard part; I don't know if there is a right answer to her question or not.
I tap my pen on my legal pad a few times. "You know, Miss Georgia...I don't think you can hurt his memory if you're remembering him the way he wanted to be remembered. He didn't ask you to go to Shabbat; he probably doesn't care if you believe or not. And, I'm sure he found the teachings exquisite, even if he did believe in them. Grief is grief and we all have different ways of processing it. Crissy wears a necklace Molly gave me moments before she died. It makes her smile and it makes Taylor uncomfortable...And I think it suits Molly's memory just fine. I threw myself into writing a book after Ana...But, anyway. Your grief is yours to express and no one's to question.
Have you spoken to his family?" I tilt my head to the side.
"No," she murmurs, "But, then...They weren't at the funeral, now were they? They never could accept Josef as he was...Nor did they accept that I was his love and he mine. I thought about calling...To see if they wanted any mementos; his diploma, his class ring, his baby book. Things I don't need to remember him by. I have the garden and Shabbat services and his books to keep me company. Would they even want any of his things? Especially if they never accepted him?"
"You might call, just to see. I know every encounter with them is difficult, but, Josef was their child, and sibling, and cousin and relative. There may be someone who wants those things. And if not, at least they can't say you didn't offer," I scribble a few more notes.
Georgia just sits quietly for a few minutes. "Perhaps Ami, his youngest sister...She might talk to me, and she might know what family members would want a memory. I think I will call her later this week," she pulls out a calendar to jot down the reminder.
I adjust myself in my seat. "Now, how are you doing with the new dosage of hormones? Better, worse? I noticed your voice is sounding lovely," I smile as she blushes from the compliment.
"Better, I don't have as many mood swings. Also, on my new insurance, I don't have to worry about time lapsing between scripts any more." I nod.
"And your surgery? I know I wrote the letter a few months ago; have you decided who you're going to see to have it done?"
She smiles brightly, "Dr. Alexandir Mykoff. On June 19th. He is going to do top and bottom at the same time."
I nod, "Congratulations, I'm excited for you!" We talk idly for the rest of her session, and I briefly mention grieving periods and when she might look into socializing again.
"Thank you, Doctor Cormac. You're just everso helpful. Also, I'm going to Georgia this next week to visit with my family," she grins, knowing it kills me that she managed to mention it only at the end of our session.
"Georgia Sharidon, how dare you do that to me! You know I want to discuss how your family is going to react, and whether or not they were supportive after Josef passed," I glare half-heartedly at her. "Don't think for one second I'm going to forget for our next session." She giggles and flounces out of my office.
I see three or four more patients and then it's past my lunch. I look at my appointment book to see who's next up. "Lessee...Alexander Mallory." As I say hys name, a boi enters my office.
"Hello, Doctor Cormac," hy says, sitting in front of my desk.
My eyes widen in surprise, "Xander? I mean, hey, Xander. Call me Lucas, even here, please god." Hy chuckles.
"Alright, hey Lucas. How are you? Man, that was a stupid thing to ask a shrink, wasn't it?" Xander smacks hymself in the forehead.
"I'm fine, Xander, but, we're here to talk about you. And, no, it wasn't a stupid question. So, why don't you tell me why you're here?" I ask, finding a new legal pad for my notes.
Xander slumps in hys chair a little, "It's my dads. They think it's their fault I am who I am, and that maybe by being gay they stunted my growth.
But, look at me! I'm a 17 year old, queer, lesbian tendencied transgender androgynous boi with a mostly transitioned 18 year old ftm Daddy. How much more open and honest with myself can I be? Why would they want anything else for me? I'm happy, healthy, wealthy and intelligent. I got a 1440 on my SATs before they went to the 2400s. I'm graduating in the winter of my senior year, I've already been early early accepted into all three of my first choices for schools, and I've got enough grants and scholarships to assure I'll never need a student loan. To top it off, I have a girlfriend who understands why I need a Daddy and a job I love and can continue through college and beyond.
What, about any of that, sounds stunted? How could I possibly be more well-rounded?"
I squint at Xander, tap my pen and squint again, "Please don't be offended if I sound awkward. It's difficult to objectively talk to the guy who woke up next to my son this morning. If at any point you're uncomfortable, I can suggest some of my good colleagues for you to switch over to; I won't be offended.
Here's my take. Your dads are concerned that their being gay has predisposed you to...Living alternatively. This is probably something they talked about years before you were on the scene. I know I worry about Crissy, since she's so young and impressionable and her brothers are all...Alternative.
So, watching you grow up, and chase girls and dress outside your physical gender, it probably concerned them. They knew you were watching what they did, probably even walked in on them once. So, when you started seeking out a Daddy, and other male companionship, while present as a male and, I may be wrong, but, being at least male in nature, they probably blamed themselves.
I know, I know," I say quickly, seeing hy might try to interrupt, "You don't see any of this as bad, or an issue. But, they do. Every parent wants a happy, easy, safe life for their child. It's true, even the alternative parents. They went through so much crap as children all they can think about is a better life for their own."
Xander ponders this for a moment, "So...They're worried that my life isn't going to be easy because I'm not mainstream? Why don't they stop to consider whether or not I want to be mainstream? I tried to be mainstream...But, it always ended up looking or feeling fake, being over the top or caricatured compared to the other mainstream people.
I've been blessed by the Goddess to be the person I am. I've been a part of the leather, BDSM, butch-femme, trans, queer, LGBTQAI, D/g and D/b and M/b, communities. Not to mention I'm a feminist, well, a transfeminist, and I've been involved in activism on all fronts of the queer struggle.
Two gay dads have bred the queerest of the queer and they're worried I'm not mainstream enough to survive? I wouldn't survive in mainstream society...I'd be a fish on land. I've marched in a Pride parade in every state, and in this one every year since I was five years old. I've participated in Day of Action since kindergarten when I brought Dad's bull whip in for show-and-tell.
How do I show them this is me? I'm happy and loved and cared for in the queer community, perhaps even a little sheltered by the queers; what will let my dads know I'm okay?"
I lean back a little in my chair. "Have they met Shane? Or your girlfriend?" I ask.
"Not Shane. I just met him yesterday. But, they've know Kalyn since I was seven years old. When all the boys on the playground got girlfriends, I started wandering around with Kalyn's hand in my back pocket like the rest of them," Xander smiles at the memory.
"Maybe...Give it some time with Shane and then introduce them to him. Have him explain what your relationship is, what it means, where it's going. Show them you're being taken care of. I felt better when Shane started bringing James around. James is his "big brother" at the trans group they both attend. He taught Shane how to give himself testosterone shots and I taught Shane how to shave," now it's my turn for a fond memory.
"But, Xander. There has to be another reason your fathers want you to see me," I flip to a clean sheet of paper.
Hy rolls hys eyes, "It's Jasmin. She's my...Mom. Well, she gave birth to me. My Papi is really my mom; he took care of me. Anyway, Jasmin is sick, really sick. She's got AIDs. Not HIV, full blown AIDs. So, she's going around, making amends and being a better person before she kicks it.
Her first stop was to me; she wanted to apologize for not being my mom when I was a kid. She was around; her partner Marty is my Dad and my Papi's closest friend. It's just...While I knew she birthed me, she never ACTED like it. Always was just Jasmin, Marty's girl. Gorgeous high femme, got HIV through a blood transfusion a few years after I was born.
She thought I might still want a mom, at 16 fuckin years old. I told her she was and always would be "Jasmin, Marty's girl" to me. Papi tried to get me to see her as a mother figure, but I wasn't having it.
Now she's getting sicker, might not make it. Papi and Dad want me to move in with her and Marty for a couple months. I wouldn't mind, but, they specifically said it was "to let you have time with your mom." I told them if they wanted me to have time with my mom, Papi could stay home for a couple weeks longer in the summer. Needless to say, Jasmin was a little hurt.
Everyone still wants me to move over there for a few months and thinks I'm being a resentful bastard for not caring. I love her, she's always been in my life....She's just more like a sister or something.
I mean, for crissakes, she was 16 years old when she had me, way too young everyone agreed. Marty was only 18 years old, and was just starting college. So, my Papi and my Dad, 22 years old and 26 years old, agreed that they were ready for a kid.
So...I'm not sure what they want. They can't expect me to see her as my mom...She didn't raise me. She and Marty have always been around, just not in any parental capacity. I'll always love them..."
"It's understandable you don't see Jasmin as your mother. But, perhaps it would be beneficial to still consider moving in for at least a bit, just to get to know her better? If you're admantly against it, then don't, but, if you love her anyway...It's something to consider," my mind skips to another child who had a child they couldn't keep and the pain that can cause.
Xander nods, "I can think about it."
Just then, I notice the hour has long since passed us by. "Want me to take you by the school? It's about that time and I'm sure Shane is planning to bring you home again tonight," I say, beginning to gather my things to run by the schools.
"You'd do that?" Xander smiles.
"Sure, let's queer up this doctor-patient relationship as much as humanly possible, eh? C'mon, I'm making baked spaghetti tonight, with extra spicy meatballs," I tempt the boi.
Xander laughs, "How can I pass up your cooking? I'll call my dads on the way out." Hy slips a slim cell phone out of his side pocket and proceeds to dial.
I grab my jacket, hat and keys. Hy shuts the phone, "They suspected as much; thank you very much for the invitation, Lucas."
"Hell, you'll be living at the house before too long, I would imagine. Shane likes to keep his bois close at hand. He gets that from me, I suppose," I smile wickedly and usher Xander out to the car.
Our first stop is the elementary school for Crissy. "Hey, Da!" She squeals as she jumps into the front passenger seat in the van.
"Hi, baby girl," I say brightly, "Say hello to Xander. Better do it quick, Shane might not let you talk to him later." Crissy twists around and looks at Xander.
"Hi, Xander! I'm Crissy! I'm seven; this is my mommy's necklace! She's dead, but, that's okay, Da and Jess say she's in heaven and I'll get to see her when I go. But, I don't get to go for a very, very, very, very, VERY long time because Da says heaven is only for really grown up grown ups. Taylor says she's just dead, but, Da always glares at him when he does that," Crissy shows Xander her necklace as she babbles on.
Xander grins, "Hello, little miss. I'm sorry to hear about your mommy; I'm sure you will see her again. That's a very pretty necklace." I wink at Xander in the rearview mirror.
The next stop on our trip is to the middle school to pick up Jess. Jess clambers in next to Xander, "Hey, xander, good to see you again. Shane treating you okay then?" Hy asks.
"Always, Jess, always. How was school?" Xander turns and engages my baby boi in conversation as we wind our way toward the high school.
Taylor and Lizbeth are waiting beside Shane when we arrive at the high school. Xander sees Shane standing next to the bicycle and just about swoons. "Go on then," I chuckle, "Shane doesn't like to be kept waiting." Xander says goodbye to Jess and scrambles out of the van as Taylor and Lizbeth climb in.
Shane walks up to my window after inspecting Xander thoroughly. "Thanks, Da. You weren't too rough on hym in therapy, I trust? Nothing to mend back together tonight then?" I smile at my oldest son.
"We had a productive first session. I trust you will find hym in top condition. Other than that, you'll have to talk to hym. I can't discuss confidential information wiht a non-patient," I tousle my son's hair through the window.
"Thanks, Da. We're going to meet Chelle and her girl at the park to study for a bit; be home for dinner though," Shane shakes his head to put his hair back in place and walks back toward the bike and Xander.
children and long talks. Dislikes: petty arguments,
narrow minds, snakes and 3/4 sleeve shirts. 9095524736."
I find this ad on my kitchen table very early this dreary Monday morning. It has been printed off of the computer from a local dating website. I sigh, shake my head and shuffle to the counter to make the first pot of coffee. While I wait for the coffee and my children, I studiously avoid looking at the ad a second time. To occupy myself, I fret about whether or not to cut my hair in the afternoon, when Shane, my oldest child, gets home from school. Several minutes later, the coffee is ready and my children start to stumble into the kitchen.
"Mornin', Da," my youngest boi, Jess, murmurs as hy reaches for his coffee cup.
"Hey, Lucas," Taylor, the middle boy, smiles at me as he dumps equal parts coffee, milk and sugar into his cup. Without thinking, he grabs a smaller cup for Crissy, his little sister and my youngest child.
"Good morning, boys. Are Shane and Crissy amongst the living quite yet?" I lean against the counter with my back to a window overlooking our front yard. Jess shakes his head and Taylor laughs.
"It's five A.M. , Lucas. Of course they're not up yet. You'll be lucky if Shane gets up today; it's Senior Skip Day at the high school," Taylor takes a swig of his drink and grimaces. That's what he gets for ruining perfectly good coffee with milk and sugar.
A sigh escapes me, "Senior Skip Day? Doesn't he have a presentation to give today?" Taylor shrugs. "Jess, would you go get Crissy for me?" I set my mug down and start toward the basement stairs. I hear a chair scraping against my slate floor and assume Jess is doing as I asked.
I quietly make my way down the stairs and through the hallway to my eldest child's room. There are games and clothes strewn about, I even accidentally step on one of Crissy's G.I. Joe action figures. Once at Shane's door, I regard the "KNOCK FIRST PLZKTHNX!!" sign and wish my own generation had never thought up such terribly stupid terms. Because I typically acquiesce in regards to my children's wishes, I knock on his door.
"Shane? Shane Oliver, I'm coming in!" I turn the door knob, hoping I wouldn't catch him in the middle of a tryst with his partner of four years, Michelle.
I see two lumps in the bed, apparently Michelle did spend the night. "Shane Oliver Levens-Cormac, get your ass out of bed now!" I flip the light switch by the door. His room is flooded with a green tint. Audible groans emerge from the covers before the teenagers manage to.
Shane sits up first, "Da! It's fucking five A.M. Why are you waking me up now?" His tow-headed friend, who I now see is not Michelle, becomes increasingly self-concious as hy gathers his wits.
I chuckle gently, "Because you're not skipping today; you have that presentation on growing up in a foster home to give for your English class. Who's your friend?" Shane looks at the person next to himself, as if he can't remember.
"This is Xander, Chelle set us up. Xander, this is my Da, Lucas. Call him Lucas or Da or sir if you're really as scared as you look," Shane tousles Xander's hair, looking at the boi with a fondness bordering on adoration.
"Well, hello, Xander. Yes, as Shane said, I'm Lucas or Da or sir. You're in a safe, open household. There's nothing to be embarrassed about; you are more than welcome to stay the night whenever you like; everyone else does," I put my hand out for Xander to shake, which he does promptly.
Suddenly, Shane realizes what I've said, "I can't skip? But, Da...Everyone is skipping today. I could give the presentation tomorrow..." He wheedles and pouts. I just laugh.
"Do you hear yourself? You're looking childish in front of Xander. Xander, you're not skipping today, are you?" I realize hy was probably planning to, but, would never say so in front of me.
"Of course not, Mr--Sir. I have to be at school, to hear Shane's presentation," Xander says quietly. Shane punches Xander in the arm. "Ow, damn it, Shane, that fucking hurt. I wasn't going to skip until you asked me to skip," he says, rubbing the spot on his arm gently.
I turn and start digging in the clean clothes pile on Shane's floor. "Xander, did you bring a change of clothes for school?" I ask, tossing a couple pairs of jeans, two polos, two undershirts and several pairs of boxers and socks at the bed behind me.
"Yessir," Xander jumps out of bed and grabs a blue duffle bag that was sitting on his side of the bed.
"Good boi; Shane, get dressed. If you two are going to shower, shower together to conserve the damned water. We have to leave early, Jess has some Christian group before school. You can borrow the motorcycle if you hurry and get out of here before we leave. Otherwise you're riding in the van and Crissy sits on someone's lap," I kiss Shane on the top of his head, give Xander a side hug and make my exit before Shane can bitch about maybe riding in the van.
Back upstairs, Crissy and Taylor are dressed and ready to go, but Jess is nowhere in sight. "Where is Jess?" I ask, grabbing Crissy into my arms on my way to my room.
"Hy's looking for hys Bible," Crissy states in a no nonsense tone. I kiss her on the cheek and set her on my bed.
"Do you know where hys Bible is, Crissy?" I ask as I yank khakis and a hunter green button down shirt out of my closet.
She jumps off my bed to get my shoes and socks, "Maybe...I tried to tell him to look under the couch; I dunno if he did or not." She waits patiently for me to get my clothes on before handing me my socks and shoes.
I sigh and hurry to get dressed so I can grab Jess's Bible and money for everyone's lunch. Crissy picks up a necklace on my dresser, "Da, what is this?" The necklace is a tiny white gold chain with a heart pendant with a C and a T carved in it. "Your birth mother gave that to me right before...well, anyway, it represents you and your brother Taylor. If you would like, you may wear it today." She grins and quickly puts it on. We rush back into the kitchen, this time Taylor, Jess, Shane and Xander are also there.
"Okay, Shane, you and Xander may ride to the high school on the motorcycle. Grab both of the helmets, make sure Xander knows how to be safe; if any teacher gives you trouble, call and I'll come work it out," I toss my son the key to the motorcycle, "Be safe. Xander, it was nice meeting you, I hope to see you again soon. Shane, I love you, son."
Shane catches the key, "Thanks, Da. I love you too!" He grabs Xander by the arm and propels hym outside.
"Jess, got your Bible?" I start distributing money for lunches; Shane started buying his lunches his junior year as soon as he got a job.
"Yes, Da. It was under the couch...Are you sure you're okay with me going to this group? I won't if you don't like it," Jess looks at me with worry in hys eyes.
I pull my youngest son to me and hug hym tight. "Jess, son of mine, I'm not Christian myself, but, if this is what you want to do, I support that whole heartedly. You know that very well," I ruffle hys hair and herd them out to the van. Crissy grabs my fedora and hands it to me just before we get into the van.
Our first stop is Parry Day School, the advanced elementary school. At 10 years old, Crissy is quite precocious and is perhaps even advanced for the advanced school.
She gives her brothers and me kisses and hops out of the van. Without looking back, a feat that took five years to accomplish, she rushes to tell her friends about Xander; her brother's new friend and her new-found crush.
Goshen Junior High is Jess's stop. "Jess, I love you. If any teachers forget and call you Jessica, you know who to go to. Don't worry, you're my sweet boi and if you need me, I'm not far away," I ruffle hys hair again, fully aware how embarrassing it would be for me to kiss hym in front of hys school.
"Love you, Da. Bye, Tae," hy jumps out of the van and hurries toward his Christian friends.
Now it's just Taylor and me in the van. He's a little miffed that he has to ride in the van when Shane's driving the motorcycle to the high school. "Now, Tae, you know Shane would have taken you if he didn't have Xander over last night. We can go riding when Shane gets home from classes if you want," I glance beside myself to gauge his reaction to this idea.
"Okay, Lucas. Can Lizbeth sleep over tonight?" Taylor asks quickly.
I consider my response. He's a freshman in high school and it's the start of the year. If I remember correctly, Lizbeth is also a freshman in high school. Also, I think she's a genderqueer teen. "What are Lizbeth's folks like, Tae?" I ask gently.
Taylor's face scrunches up in what looks like anger, "They call her Edgar still. And, if I go there, I have to call her Edgar too, or I have to come home. If she can't sleep over, could she at least have dinner with us? I want her to know that my Da is accepting and loving, even if her parents can't be right now."
I wonder, briefly, if my heart has stopped. "You, you called me Da, Tae," I feel a huge grin on my face and hope it doesn't embarrass him.
"Yes, I did. I know I call you Lucas, but, you're more of a Da than my own father ever could be. And I didn't just say it to get you to let Lizbeth to come over," Taylor says. We are in front of the high school and he's clearly waiting for an answer.
"Thank you, Tae. Is Lizbeth standing outside right now?" I ask. Taylor nods. "Call her over to the van; I want to talk to her for a second," I instruct him, getting out of the van in the process. Taylor also emerges from the van and motions to someone a ways away from us to come over.
When she arrives, Taylor introduces us, "Da, this is Lizbeth. Lizbeth, this is Lucas, Da or sir. Please can she come to dinner?"
"Hello, Lizbeth. I hear you've recently come out; you're a very beautiful young lady, you know," I shake her dainty hand.
Lizbeth, a lanky looking girl with long auburn hair, smiles shyly at me, "Thank you, sir." I grin.
"Miss Lizbeth, I would be honored if you would come to our house for dinner tonight. I can call your parents for you, if you would like," I say. Taylor grins widely.
She gasps, "You'd call them for me, sir?" Her voice is soft and fairly androgynous. I nod. Unexpectedly, she hugs me tightly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!" Taylor laughs softly and I gently hug her back.
"You are most welcome. Now, the both of you better get inside; Tae, have your bother call me on his lunch. I love you. Miss Lizbeth, it was an absolute pleasure to meet you, and I look forward to dining with you this evening," I motion them away and start to get into the van again.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around, Lizbeth is standing in front of me, looking at her shoes. "Mr. Lucas...You should know...You'll have to ask my parents if Edgar might eat dinner at your house...They don't like to know my true name just yet," her voice cracks slightly. My heart is breaking for this child.
I pull her into a hug, "Miss Lizbeth...How old do you think I am?" She shakes her head. "I am 32 years old and my parents haven't spoken to me since I was 18 years old. They still don't know Lucas, only Laura. I will ask if he may come to dinner. Don't worry, in my house, you will always be Lizbeth."
She looks shocked, "You're a transman, Lucas?" I nod and gently let her go.
"We can talk about it over dinner, Miss Lizbeth. Have a wonderful day," I tip my fedora to her and get into the van. Lizbeth smiles and watches as I drive away.
Back at home, I get out the high school directory and place a call to Lizbeth's house. "Randall residence, Kathy speaking!" Is the cheery reply on the other end of the phone.
"Hello, Mrs. Randall? It's Lucas O'Brien, Taylor's father?" I hold my breath.
There's a pause and then, "Oh, Mr. O'Brien! You helped at the faculty silent auction at Parry Day School last month. Aren't you also Crissy's father?" Kathy asks brightly.
"Yes, that's me, got a right litter over here it seems some days. I was calling because Taylor was hoping Edgar could come to dinner at our house tonight, and perhaps he could stay over? I would take them to school in the morning," I attempt to give her all the information up front so she won't have too many questions.
Kathy responds, "Dinner and a sleep over on a Monday night? Oh, wait, they have some project together, don't they? In Art History?" Project? What fucking project? I decide to grill Taylor later today.
"Yes, yes they do. And, Edgar could just borrow some of Taylor's clothes in the morning, so he wouldn't necessarily have to come home. I'd make sure all their homework was completed," I fake knowledge about the project.
"Well, you were an awful big help at the auction, and my Raquel and your Cristina are such good friends...It stands to reason our boys would be friends too. Perhaps Cristina could spend the night here over the weekend in exchange?" She seems to like the idea very much.
I nod, and remember she can't see me, "Of course, I'll just have to check that Crissy doesn't have a family visit or anything this weekend, but, that should work wonderfully. So, I'll pick the boys up after school and you'll see Edgar after school tomorrow?"
"That sounds absolutely marvelous. Then you could either call me or just give Edgar a note letting me know if Cristina will be visiting on the weekend or not," Kathy says.
"Perfect! Have a wonderful day, Mrs. Randall!" I'm grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh, Lucas, do call me Kathy. Well, talk to you later," Kathy hangs up and so do I.
I wander into my home office to do some paperwork before my first patient arrives. I am a psychologist with gender and sexuality as my focus, most of my patients are people who have Gender Identity Disorder and identify as some variation of transsexual. Most are opting to transition, as I did 14 years ago. My job is one of the main reasons I have been lucky enough to foster the four children I have.
Shane is my oldest and came to me first. He was abused as a child and had to reconcile that to why he felt he was a man. I began fostering him when he was seven years old and by the time he was 11 years old, I legally adopted him. Right before he went through puberty, he started saying he wasn't a girl, that he felt like a boy. Through a few sessions with an impartial psychologist, we discovered that this might not just be a phase. So, thanking the gods he'd spoken up in time, his social worker and I thought it prudent to start him on hormone blockers for the time being. When he turned 14 years old and was still adamant that he was a boy, I gave the go ahead for him to begin taking testosterone and start the transition process. At 18 years old, his current age, he has been on testosterone for four years, has had top surgery and once he turns 21 years old, will be eligible for bottom surgery. We legally changed his name to Shane Oliver Levens-Cormac when he turned 15 years old.
My next oldest, Taylor, came to me when he was eight years old and his sister, Crissy, was four years old. I actually am their legal guardian because their mother, Molly Johnson, was my best friend. She died the year they came to me, and left instructions in her will for the children to live with me. Taylor and Crissy's father is serving a life sentence in prison several states away. They are my two "normal" children. Both are very sympathetic to their brothers' lives and to mine, but, neither are very alternative. Taylor has a huge crush on his friend Lizbeth, who he met when they were about nine years old. Crissy is precocious, as I mentioned previously, and she will probably graduate college before Taylor and Jess, but probably after Shane. Because of the way they came to me, I don't plan to adopt them until they are older and we have had many long conversations about the idea.
Then there's Jess. My sweet baby boi. Hy is 11 years old and I just began fostering hym a year ago. When hy was placed with me, by the state, hy was being handled by Shane's social worker. She told me that Jess was a lot like Shane, and we would probably want to explore hys identity more closely. Jess came to me with two suitcases full of girls' clothing. The first night I had hym, I sat hym down in the living room with Shane and myself and made sure hy understood that we were hys family, in no uncertain terms, and we would love hym no matter who hy was. Poor Jess looked at me in amazement, clearly this was not how he was used to being treated.
I sent Jess to bed that night and laid out a few outfits ranging from female to gender neutral to male in nature. When hy woke up that next morning, he chose the button-down shirt, slacks and dress shoes for hys first day of school. After a few months, I finally got hym in to see the same psychologist who counsels Shane. "You've brought me another one then, Lucas?" Was all Dr. Steinberger asked me at that time. Jess is much happier now, having discovered hy is most likely genderqueer and will remain as such until hy is much older. Hy gave hys girl clothes to Crissy as soon as she asked. My reminiscing takes me until my first appointment of the day. "Dr. Cormac?" I hear a lilting voice in my hallway.
"Come in, Georgia!" I say loudly. I shuffle papers and files until I emerge from the mess with hers in my hand.
A petite, 30 something year old woman sashays into my office. She's wearing a light pink suit jacket and skirt with a wide-brimmed pink hat and carrying a cream colored purse. "Good morning, Doctor," she says demurely.
I smile and open her file, "Good morning, Georgia. How are you this morning?" I grab a felt tipped pen and prepare to take notes.
She sits in the over stuffed plush chair beside my desk, "I'm just fine, Doctor. How are you this fine morning?"
"Just fine, but, we aren't here to talk about me; we're here to talk about you. How have you been dealing with your grief following our loss of Josef?" I scribble Josef's name in the margins of my legal pad, followed by a rudimentary tombstone. Georgia looks a little distraught over my question.
"Honestly, Lucas, I have no idea. I've not really changed my daily routine...Except for the parts Josef used to be in. I started going to Temple again, like he would want. You know, I don't really believe all the fantastical things the rabbi is saying, but, it sounds exquisite. Is that bad? To call my lover's beliefs fantastical and exquisite? Am I helping or hurting his memory when I go to Shabbat services if I don't necessarily believe the things I'm told there?" Georgia sits back in her chair and looks deep into my eyes. Here's the hard part; I don't know if there is a right answer to her question or not.
I tap my pen on my legal pad a few times. "You know, Miss Georgia...I don't think you can hurt his memory if you're remembering him the way he wanted to be remembered. He didn't ask you to go to Shabbat; he probably doesn't care if you believe or not. And, I'm sure he found the teachings exquisite, even if he did believe in them. Grief is grief and we all have different ways of processing it. Crissy wears a necklace Molly gave me moments before she died. It makes her smile and it makes Taylor uncomfortable...And I think it suits Molly's memory just fine. I threw myself into writing a book after Ana...But, anyway. Your grief is yours to express and no one's to question.
Have you spoken to his family?" I tilt my head to the side.
"No," she murmurs, "But, then...They weren't at the funeral, now were they? They never could accept Josef as he was...Nor did they accept that I was his love and he mine. I thought about calling...To see if they wanted any mementos; his diploma, his class ring, his baby book. Things I don't need to remember him by. I have the garden and Shabbat services and his books to keep me company. Would they even want any of his things? Especially if they never accepted him?"
"You might call, just to see. I know every encounter with them is difficult, but, Josef was their child, and sibling, and cousin and relative. There may be someone who wants those things. And if not, at least they can't say you didn't offer," I scribble a few more notes.
Georgia just sits quietly for a few minutes. "Perhaps Ami, his youngest sister...She might talk to me, and she might know what family members would want a memory. I think I will call her later this week," she pulls out a calendar to jot down the reminder.
I adjust myself in my seat. "Now, how are you doing with the new dosage of hormones? Better, worse? I noticed your voice is sounding lovely," I smile as she blushes from the compliment.
"Better, I don't have as many mood swings. Also, on my new insurance, I don't have to worry about time lapsing between scripts any more." I nod.
"And your surgery? I know I wrote the letter a few months ago; have you decided who you're going to see to have it done?"
She smiles brightly, "Dr. Alexandir Mykoff. On June 19th. He is going to do top and bottom at the same time."
I nod, "Congratulations, I'm excited for you!" We talk idly for the rest of her session, and I briefly mention grieving periods and when she might look into socializing again.
"Thank you, Doctor Cormac. You're just everso helpful. Also, I'm going to Georgia this next week to visit with my family," she grins, knowing it kills me that she managed to mention it only at the end of our session.
"Georgia Sharidon, how dare you do that to me! You know I want to discuss how your family is going to react, and whether or not they were supportive after Josef passed," I glare half-heartedly at her. "Don't think for one second I'm going to forget for our next session." She giggles and flounces out of my office.
I see three or four more patients and then it's past my lunch. I look at my appointment book to see who's next up. "Lessee...Alexander Mallory." As I say hys name, a boi enters my office.
"Hello, Doctor Cormac," hy says, sitting in front of my desk.
My eyes widen in surprise, "Xander? I mean, hey, Xander. Call me Lucas, even here, please god." Hy chuckles.
"Alright, hey Lucas. How are you? Man, that was a stupid thing to ask a shrink, wasn't it?" Xander smacks hymself in the forehead.
"I'm fine, Xander, but, we're here to talk about you. And, no, it wasn't a stupid question. So, why don't you tell me why you're here?" I ask, finding a new legal pad for my notes.
Xander slumps in hys chair a little, "It's my dads. They think it's their fault I am who I am, and that maybe by being gay they stunted my growth.
But, look at me! I'm a 17 year old, queer, lesbian tendencied transgender androgynous boi with a mostly transitioned 18 year old ftm Daddy. How much more open and honest with myself can I be? Why would they want anything else for me? I'm happy, healthy, wealthy and intelligent. I got a 1440 on my SATs before they went to the 2400s. I'm graduating in the winter of my senior year, I've already been early early accepted into all three of my first choices for schools, and I've got enough grants and scholarships to assure I'll never need a student loan. To top it off, I have a girlfriend who understands why I need a Daddy and a job I love and can continue through college and beyond.
What, about any of that, sounds stunted? How could I possibly be more well-rounded?"
I squint at Xander, tap my pen and squint again, "Please don't be offended if I sound awkward. It's difficult to objectively talk to the guy who woke up next to my son this morning. If at any point you're uncomfortable, I can suggest some of my good colleagues for you to switch over to; I won't be offended.
Here's my take. Your dads are concerned that their being gay has predisposed you to...Living alternatively. This is probably something they talked about years before you were on the scene. I know I worry about Crissy, since she's so young and impressionable and her brothers are all...Alternative.
So, watching you grow up, and chase girls and dress outside your physical gender, it probably concerned them. They knew you were watching what they did, probably even walked in on them once. So, when you started seeking out a Daddy, and other male companionship, while present as a male and, I may be wrong, but, being at least male in nature, they probably blamed themselves.
I know, I know," I say quickly, seeing hy might try to interrupt, "You don't see any of this as bad, or an issue. But, they do. Every parent wants a happy, easy, safe life for their child. It's true, even the alternative parents. They went through so much crap as children all they can think about is a better life for their own."
Xander ponders this for a moment, "So...They're worried that my life isn't going to be easy because I'm not mainstream? Why don't they stop to consider whether or not I want to be mainstream? I tried to be mainstream...But, it always ended up looking or feeling fake, being over the top or caricatured compared to the other mainstream people.
I've been blessed by the Goddess to be the person I am. I've been a part of the leather, BDSM, butch-femme, trans, queer, LGBTQAI, D/g and D/b and M/b, communities. Not to mention I'm a feminist, well, a transfeminist, and I've been involved in activism on all fronts of the queer struggle.
Two gay dads have bred the queerest of the queer and they're worried I'm not mainstream enough to survive? I wouldn't survive in mainstream society...I'd be a fish on land. I've marched in a Pride parade in every state, and in this one every year since I was five years old. I've participated in Day of Action since kindergarten when I brought Dad's bull whip in for show-and-tell.
How do I show them this is me? I'm happy and loved and cared for in the queer community, perhaps even a little sheltered by the queers; what will let my dads know I'm okay?"
I lean back a little in my chair. "Have they met Shane? Or your girlfriend?" I ask.
"Not Shane. I just met him yesterday. But, they've know Kalyn since I was seven years old. When all the boys on the playground got girlfriends, I started wandering around with Kalyn's hand in my back pocket like the rest of them," Xander smiles at the memory.
"Maybe...Give it some time with Shane and then introduce them to him. Have him explain what your relationship is, what it means, where it's going. Show them you're being taken care of. I felt better when Shane started bringing James around. James is his "big brother" at the trans group they both attend. He taught Shane how to give himself testosterone shots and I taught Shane how to shave," now it's my turn for a fond memory.
"But, Xander. There has to be another reason your fathers want you to see me," I flip to a clean sheet of paper.
Hy rolls hys eyes, "It's Jasmin. She's my...Mom. Well, she gave birth to me. My Papi is really my mom; he took care of me. Anyway, Jasmin is sick, really sick. She's got AIDs. Not HIV, full blown AIDs. So, she's going around, making amends and being a better person before she kicks it.
Her first stop was to me; she wanted to apologize for not being my mom when I was a kid. She was around; her partner Marty is my Dad and my Papi's closest friend. It's just...While I knew she birthed me, she never ACTED like it. Always was just Jasmin, Marty's girl. Gorgeous high femme, got HIV through a blood transfusion a few years after I was born.
She thought I might still want a mom, at 16 fuckin years old. I told her she was and always would be "Jasmin, Marty's girl" to me. Papi tried to get me to see her as a mother figure, but I wasn't having it.
Now she's getting sicker, might not make it. Papi and Dad want me to move in with her and Marty for a couple months. I wouldn't mind, but, they specifically said it was "to let you have time with your mom." I told them if they wanted me to have time with my mom, Papi could stay home for a couple weeks longer in the summer. Needless to say, Jasmin was a little hurt.
Everyone still wants me to move over there for a few months and thinks I'm being a resentful bastard for not caring. I love her, she's always been in my life....She's just more like a sister or something.
I mean, for crissakes, she was 16 years old when she had me, way too young everyone agreed. Marty was only 18 years old, and was just starting college. So, my Papi and my Dad, 22 years old and 26 years old, agreed that they were ready for a kid.
So...I'm not sure what they want. They can't expect me to see her as my mom...She didn't raise me. She and Marty have always been around, just not in any parental capacity. I'll always love them..."
"It's understandable you don't see Jasmin as your mother. But, perhaps it would be beneficial to still consider moving in for at least a bit, just to get to know her better? If you're admantly against it, then don't, but, if you love her anyway...It's something to consider," my mind skips to another child who had a child they couldn't keep and the pain that can cause.
Xander nods, "I can think about it."
Just then, I notice the hour has long since passed us by. "Want me to take you by the school? It's about that time and I'm sure Shane is planning to bring you home again tonight," I say, beginning to gather my things to run by the schools.
"You'd do that?" Xander smiles.
"Sure, let's queer up this doctor-patient relationship as much as humanly possible, eh? C'mon, I'm making baked spaghetti tonight, with extra spicy meatballs," I tempt the boi.
Xander laughs, "How can I pass up your cooking? I'll call my dads on the way out." Hy slips a slim cell phone out of his side pocket and proceeds to dial.
I grab my jacket, hat and keys. Hy shuts the phone, "They suspected as much; thank you very much for the invitation, Lucas."
"Hell, you'll be living at the house before too long, I would imagine. Shane likes to keep his bois close at hand. He gets that from me, I suppose," I smile wickedly and usher Xander out to the car.
Our first stop is the elementary school for Crissy. "Hey, Da!" She squeals as she jumps into the front passenger seat in the van.
"Hi, baby girl," I say brightly, "Say hello to Xander. Better do it quick, Shane might not let you talk to him later." Crissy twists around and looks at Xander.
"Hi, Xander! I'm Crissy! I'm seven; this is my mommy's necklace! She's dead, but, that's okay, Da and Jess say she's in heaven and I'll get to see her when I go. But, I don't get to go for a very, very, very, very, VERY long time because Da says heaven is only for really grown up grown ups. Taylor says she's just dead, but, Da always glares at him when he does that," Crissy shows Xander her necklace as she babbles on.
Xander grins, "Hello, little miss. I'm sorry to hear about your mommy; I'm sure you will see her again. That's a very pretty necklace." I wink at Xander in the rearview mirror.
The next stop on our trip is to the middle school to pick up Jess. Jess clambers in next to Xander, "Hey, xander, good to see you again. Shane treating you okay then?" Hy asks.
"Always, Jess, always. How was school?" Xander turns and engages my baby boi in conversation as we wind our way toward the high school.
Taylor and Lizbeth are waiting beside Shane when we arrive at the high school. Xander sees Shane standing next to the bicycle and just about swoons. "Go on then," I chuckle, "Shane doesn't like to be kept waiting." Xander says goodbye to Jess and scrambles out of the van as Taylor and Lizbeth climb in.
Shane walks up to my window after inspecting Xander thoroughly. "Thanks, Da. You weren't too rough on hym in therapy, I trust? Nothing to mend back together tonight then?" I smile at my oldest son.
"We had a productive first session. I trust you will find hym in top condition. Other than that, you'll have to talk to hym. I can't discuss confidential information wiht a non-patient," I tousle my son's hair through the window.
"Thanks, Da. We're going to meet Chelle and her girl at the park to study for a bit; be home for dinner though," Shane shakes his head to put his hair back in place and walks back toward the bike and Xander.