New Chapter
So, I've spent over a week in the new apartment now and things are finally starting to settle down and I'm working myself into a routine that's neither enjoyable nor detering. It's more like a funk or a rut than a routine. I'm not liking work one bit; every single aspect of that job pisses me off and digusts me... but it'll have to do for now until I find something closer to home (new home) and with better hours. I do not feel safe walking home from work at midnight everyday during my first week from downtown PA by the harbourfront. I refuse to work 3:30pm-12:00am nightly for the next couple of weeks. I'll have absolutely no life. Also, I don't want to do the walking thing at midnight; so, during my first week after training, I'm off to find a new job during the daytime while working those night shifts.
So, I've been telling everyone who has asked that the apartment is great and that I'm great and that everything is great. Well, that's partly true. When I'm busy and moving around and running errands and hanging out with people, then everything is great because it's absolutely like it used to be before I had all the responsibilities. However, the weekends, when I'm not working and absolutely idle all day, I find myself thinking about how big of a mistake I've made and how unready I really am for this transition. I have been pretending to be this strong person and these blogs and entries have been my only outlet for my weakness and truth (since only a few people actually take the time to read this // I'm not worried about people who don't care about my life reading the truth... because they don't care enough to read this). For the past two years, even with Emily and Dani (altho they know baansically who I am), I've had to pretend to put on a happy face most of the time and conform myself in order to make people like me. It's been happening more as second year came around and now everybody that I've met in the past year and this false expectation of me as always being happy and level-headed and there's no room for me to be myself in anyway because there's this bar set that was so high after first impressions that I now need to live up to that bar everyday... and I hate it. I hate not being able to express sadness or upsetness at certain things because it might upset other people if I do, or it might make other people think less of me if I do. I hate that. I hate how people took the first couple meetings as a reflection of how I am all the time and now I have to be that way all the time. There's no movement; there's no allowance for movement. If I don't live up to everyone's expectations of me, I start feeling like a failure. But, by pretending to be the way people perceive me to be, I'm forcing my true self away and then I get miserable and more miserable in every moment where I can reflect upon myself and where I can reflect back upon every moment where I've compromised who I am in order to keep people in my life. People suck.
Anyways, I also hate people in Thunder Bay. I'm already questioning transfering schools for next year (not this upcoming year, but the year after), just to get out of this town and be closer to the people that make me the happiest (i.e.: Coral!) lol. The people in this town are just so fucking retarded that it absolutely sickens me. Like walking in the middle of the day, perfectly sunny, drivers DO NOT see people crossing at crosswalks, when it says to cross. I almost got hit by a van trying to turn right at a red light... while I was crossing when I was supposed to. It wasn't even like I had just started to leave the sidewalk... I was in the middle of the fucking lane that the cunt was cutting into. Like honestly, are people that stupid. The same thing happens almost everyday on the corner of Red River and Junot when I'm on my way to work. Like come on people. I know that I'm skinny and all, but I don't disappear if I turn sideways. Fuck.
And most of the people in this town (excluding many people that I know and that aren't originally from this town) are so manipulative and whorish that it's absolutely disturbing. I understand trying to get someone's attention by doing something mildly out of the ordinary, but not something obsurd or need. I don't understand, however, people who go out of their way to manipulate other people's lives and who go even further out of their way to try to weasel themselves back into someone's life way after there's been closure just to instill a feeling of misery and resentment and dread. Honestly, people in this town are that retarded. And sleeping around with one another and having threesomes in vans with strangers or in a bathroom stall at a bar where it's clearly obvious what's going on. These people are whores! Why the hell am I putting myself in the middle of all this drama and whory-ness that surrounds everyone here, while I could go back to Terrace and live a simpler life away from all this? Like the people I know may not have the drama, and they aren't the whores that I hate, but in that circle of acquaintances and former lovers and ex's and past friends and all that, there's so much drama that I get to hear about that I'm beginning to become cynical towards every person in this town and not just select individuals.
Oh well, whatcha gonna do right? That's all for me for tonight. TTY Soonish, Dave.