Our Town
In the area of New Jersey that my dad lives in, they publish a magazine/coupon book that you can pick up free pretty much everywhere. They always have funny little stories, so I thought I'd share some that my dad cut out and mailed to me:
Public Service Message
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that pain in the butt upside the head.
Juvenile Delinquency
A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo" he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
The judge looked at the officer and said, "What's the problem, officer?". The policeman then nudged the 4th boy.
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
A Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The exam was 2 hours long, and the exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student camp up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again. "No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
One More (not actually the title, but whatever)
(There are three pictures showing the progression of someone lighting an American flag on fire and catching his own arm on fire in the process.)
American Flag - $25
Gasoline - $4
Cigarette Lighter - $2.50
Catching yourself on fire because you are a terrorist jerk! PRICELESS!
anyway...those pretty much made my day!
Public Service Message
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that pain in the butt upside the head.
Juvenile Delinquency
A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo" he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
The judge looked at the officer and said, "What's the problem, officer?". The policeman then nudged the 4th boy.
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
A Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The exam was 2 hours long, and the exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student camp up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again. "No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
One More (not actually the title, but whatever)
(There are three pictures showing the progression of someone lighting an American flag on fire and catching his own arm on fire in the process.)
American Flag - $25
Gasoline - $4
Cigarette Lighter - $2.50
Catching yourself on fire because you are a terrorist jerk! PRICELESS!
anyway...those pretty much made my day!