Journal Entry: 250.
School is ALMOST over.
I have almost officially survived my Junior year.
A few scratches, but I lived.
This summer...
oh my.
I know I'm going to be happy. I can smell it. Feel it, whatever you want.
& then it will all end, and back to school for one more year.
That's almost scary to think about. That I only have one more year of school left, but it's probably even worse for the seniors that they only have one MONTH. I don't know.
Where was I even going with this entry? I don't remember.
Ever wanted something SO bad, that you would do anything to get it? But, no matter what you do, you still don't get it? I think that's what's happening to me right now. I wish sometimes I could see the future, cause then I think it would end this... "waiting" feeling, I think that's what I'm going to call it. ...I'm a patient kid, honestly. But, I hate waiting. I think it's the worst thing ever. I feel like our whole life, we're always waiting for something. Think about it, even if you're not waiting & hopeing, you're anticipating for time to pass, to do your next thing. Is there ever a point in time where you can just be happy where you are, and what's going on? I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I'd find something, but right now, nothing is ringing a bell. I wonder what's going to come of this whole situation.
I wish I could just say I don't want to think about it at all, but I know I'm going to. I wish I could just be one of those people that let's life flow & takes whatever life gives you, and finds a way to deal. I never have been, but I hope someday, I will be.
I was told the other day that I was a bitter soul. & I thought about it, I guess I would have to agree. The girl who called me it didn't know me for more than three hours. I guess I'm a bitter about a few things, but one thing in particular. I don't like that. I don't like that I'm "holding a grudge" or blaming "new people" for stuff "old people" have done? I don't even know. I think half the time when I'm bitter, I just rag on myself, not so much on others. I think it develops into a few trust issues if I think about it, but I'd perfer not to.
You know those kids that do what I said up there? They don't think, they just let life happen. ...how can you NOT think? ..maybe I'm just plagued with thought, but how can someone just not think about anything? Yes, meditating, but usually when I meditate, I meditate on one thought, to single it out, and think about it. I've never really cleared my mind of thought. I guess the closest you could say I do, is by sleeping. But, it's not that sleeping relieves me from thought, it just makes me in less control of it.
Sometimes, like now, I guess after thinking about everything, I have this thought of... "What now?" I guess it stems from a bit of boredom, but it feels different. It's not necesarily boredom, it just is, "What should I do now?" That means a number of different things. Like maybe I should fix something? Maybe I should make the first move?
This entry was just me rambling... and I guess I'm more curious to what comes of it. But once again, I'm left with the thought, "What now?"
I have almost officially survived my Junior year.
A few scratches, but I lived.
This summer...
oh my.
I know I'm going to be happy. I can smell it. Feel it, whatever you want.
& then it will all end, and back to school for one more year.
That's almost scary to think about. That I only have one more year of school left, but it's probably even worse for the seniors that they only have one MONTH. I don't know.
Where was I even going with this entry? I don't remember.
Ever wanted something SO bad, that you would do anything to get it? But, no matter what you do, you still don't get it? I think that's what's happening to me right now. I wish sometimes I could see the future, cause then I think it would end this... "waiting" feeling, I think that's what I'm going to call it. ...I'm a patient kid, honestly. But, I hate waiting. I think it's the worst thing ever. I feel like our whole life, we're always waiting for something. Think about it, even if you're not waiting & hopeing, you're anticipating for time to pass, to do your next thing. Is there ever a point in time where you can just be happy where you are, and what's going on? I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I'd find something, but right now, nothing is ringing a bell. I wonder what's going to come of this whole situation.
I wish I could just say I don't want to think about it at all, but I know I'm going to. I wish I could just be one of those people that let's life flow & takes whatever life gives you, and finds a way to deal. I never have been, but I hope someday, I will be.
I was told the other day that I was a bitter soul. & I thought about it, I guess I would have to agree. The girl who called me it didn't know me for more than three hours. I guess I'm a bitter about a few things, but one thing in particular. I don't like that. I don't like that I'm "holding a grudge" or blaming "new people" for stuff "old people" have done? I don't even know. I think half the time when I'm bitter, I just rag on myself, not so much on others. I think it develops into a few trust issues if I think about it, but I'd perfer not to.
You know those kids that do what I said up there? They don't think, they just let life happen. ...how can you NOT think? ..maybe I'm just plagued with thought, but how can someone just not think about anything? Yes, meditating, but usually when I meditate, I meditate on one thought, to single it out, and think about it. I've never really cleared my mind of thought. I guess the closest you could say I do, is by sleeping. But, it's not that sleeping relieves me from thought, it just makes me in less control of it.
Sometimes, like now, I guess after thinking about everything, I have this thought of... "What now?" I guess it stems from a bit of boredom, but it feels different. It's not necesarily boredom, it just is, "What should I do now?" That means a number of different things. Like maybe I should fix something? Maybe I should make the first move?
This entry was just me rambling... and I guess I'm more curious to what comes of it. But once again, I'm left with the thought, "What now?"