(no subject)
you really can escape. it's called blocking out. you ignore everything, because ignorance is key. if you don't think in depth, you won't sit there and comprehend. i don't really like memories, good or bad. every single memory just shows that i'm one more memory ahead, and i can never go back. days go by like seconds, and what do i really have to show for anything. in all honesty, what is the point of life? i would love to be an artist. but i really have nothing interesting to show. they say that most artists just let it flow, but i honestly have..no thoughts half the time. my mind just goes & goes and i'm kind of just like..there & functioning. i know that when i get mad, i cry. when i'm sad, i get down. when i'm happy, i laugh. but i don't know why i get those emotions. honestly, i envy everyone i talk to. i love to listen to talk to people talk. i just love to hear what people have to say. i just wonder what people think when they talk to me. do i affect anyone? there's no complaints going on, just some wondering. do i ever cross anyone's mind? everyone crosses my mind. i wish i had more support. the only person in my family that really supports me, is my mom. and my mom has so many problems of her own, so - she's kind of distant. and sometimes i feel like i'm such a nag, 'cos i just want to...talk. i would honestly just sit there and talk to someone about a speck i saw on the wall, just to have the eye contact and maybe catch a smile. i realize that i'm doing better in school and everything, and maybe a good grade will give me a little pride, and that's honestly helped a lot. and dance really helps, because when i go there, i'm challenging myself and showing myself that there's .. at least some purpose. not saying dance is a purpose, but i just love being around certain people. i have an infatuation with eyes. i can tell a lot by looking at someone's eyes, especially moods. i think the way i feel things, is by feeling for other people. when people look sad, i get sad because i just feel so much sympathy for them and want them to be happy. but then again, i always feel like people see me as someone so selfish, and that's so not true. like honestly, my grandmother calls me selfish a lot, and she probably makes me feel the worst. my little sister, needs some maturity. she uses people so bad. but yet NOONE will say anything bad to her, and they basically kiss her ass. yeah, mrs.igetdetentioneveryday, and iactlikei'mblack NEVER gets yelled at or anything. i don't see what i do wrong to have so much negativity towards me in a household. it's hard enough that i'm living somewhere where i feel so unwanted and so uncomfortable in, and it just makes it worse that it's pretty much told to me to without words. just the way i'm looked at, and the lack of emotion in their voice when i'm spoken to, and the fakeness in the pride. so therefore, i really don't talk to people much. i sit around in one room all day, and that's pretty much it. it really starts to get to you after a while, 'cos you just wonder why people don't seem to care. and i can honestly say i'm not happy here. i wasn't happy at my old house either. for a lot more complex reasons though, but anywho. the one place i did feel comfortable though, was when i was with my brother for those few days - but that's probably because i was just kind of visiting. though me and my brother never really had a closeness, i still felt comfortable around him - because i felt he understood me.
i'm going to write more later 'cos i have lots to talk about.
i'm going to write more later 'cos i have lots to talk about.