Oh No! *KABLAM!* Part Two
Before I begin, I'd like to say that I love having this user icon for entries like this. It's so fitting yet funny and cute at the same time. Secondly, I should have known my title for yesterday's post, while inaccurate to the feel of that entry, would become completely appropriate for the followup.
.
To be fair, I had a blast yesterday. After McDonald's, we met Andrew at the gate and got in around 1:30. We managed to do everything I love, pretty much, from Matterhorn to Space to Thunder to Mr. Toad to the Disneyland Railroad, and of course the fireworks and Fantasmic! And the last-hour marathon: Splash, Mansion and Indy with ten minutes to spare! Andrew and his roommate Kyle met us for Fantasmic, where Andrew had secured us spots in the reserved area, and Kyle got us fastpasses for Indiana Jones. We even managed to get across the way to California Screamin', which I haven't been on since senior year of high school when I went with Decathlon, and it only had a ten minute wait! We had clam chowder in bread bowls, and I didn't buy anything until night, when I treated myself to a long-awaited raspberry Coke and a Dole Whip float (after flirting with the servers). Kyle was interesting because his knowledge overlaps Andrew's at points but also has areas with which Andrew is necessarily unfamiliar (about Disney, that is).
.
Tea and I have been talking since Wednesday morning about the "over it" factor. I have been able to develop a radar that lets me know pretty reliably when the feelings of someone I'm dating suddenly change from interest to ambivalence or worse. I felt that moment on Wednesday morning, although it has been so long since I really dated (well, with Gordon and Barrett being exceptions, and in both those cases I felt the shift, even if in the latter case particularly I ignored it) and this guy seemed different for a while that I didn't trust my instinct fully: just enough to be wary of the possibility. I told Tea I would know for sure after Disneyland; it could hardly be worse than when Scott dumped me in front of the castle and I cried and made him take me back. Early on in the day, in fact before Andrew let us in, I decided that the moment had passed (aka, to Tea, "he's over it"). Even if it wasn't or isn't exactly accurate (which I doubt), I wasn't getting the interest that I consider appropriate for dating or a relationship. So, fortunately, since I noticed and decided this early on, instead of what I might have done in the past (trying in vain to manipulate the situation in my favor and then getting even more frustrated when it didn't work) I decided to just let it be and enjoy myself. I mean, it's Disneyland. With me, it's a marathon, not a sprint (stay hydrated and get over the fact that I geek out to the max). None of this hiding my goofiness or pretending to be more together than I am in order to make someone like me or, as Tea said, trying to make something go on after it's over. Like Cinderella says,
.
But then what if he knew who you were
When you know that you're not
What he thinks that he wants?
.
And I had a great time. I asked Andrew early on to join us later, and he worried he would be a third wheel, but I told him that it wouldn't be an issue. He took what I said with a grain of salt and asked his roommate to be his buffer...so even my buffer had a buffer. This somewhat backfired; the boys weren't sure how it was going, although the body language apparently was even telling enough for my straight brother to deduce that there wasn't exactly joy in Mudville, and spent the night talking amongst themselves, mostly oblivious to my desperate attempts to interject into their conversations or get some attention paid to me. I don't blame them; it wasn't exactly their comfort zone. Thankfully Kyle, who is of the "persuasion" as I called it, recognized the need for some strong margaritas when Andrew and I got back to his apartment, of which I had three before Andrew made me some ground beef and I went to sleep on the couch.
.
I was fine for most of the day, physically, until we got up the hill and my sinus felt like it was going to make my head explode a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. I lay down, hurting so much my eye was tearing up independent of my own free will, took two more sudafed and two prescription-strength ibuprofin (recommended dose is one) and half an hour later took a hot shower and finally I was able to feel somewhat alive. The Herolds were here for the graduation party and also others of our friends and family. Lindsay and I took Lauren down to Pathfinder for her first week at work. She looks so cute these days with her good fashion sense and makeup and hair and general confidence. She's come a long way from the girl who called me crying the day she moved into her dorm because she was worried about making friends. Shannon got on me for talking about "myself" a lot, as is admittedly my wont, but it was really in response to Herold and Alice asking about London and about life. I mean, to be fair, I was a Decathlete and spent a lot of time with the Herolds. I embarrassed myself by blabbing about Hepworth when I totally meant Nevelson, and then I had to correct myself, blushing, because I just love Nevelson so much that I couldn't slander her name by saying I wrote about O'Keeffe and Hepworth's views of the city. Hello, Hepworth does eggs. Nevelson does cities. What was I thinking? I'll be replaying that for days, weeks, years in my head. Oy.
.
Lindsay and I were talking about how as the years go by the notion of us getting married becomes more and more appealing. The funny thing is, neither of our sets of parents seem to think it would be such a bad idea. If Clay Aiken can become an in vitro daddy with a fifty-year-old, Lindsay and I could have great kids and an awesome open marriage, full of love if not (as we were arguing) consummated in the eyes of God. But I don't particularly believe in him so that doesn't matter to me.
.
I'm trying to finish my second sports column. I wish people would do more hilarious gay things more often so I could justify the C-note I get each week for banging out snarky comments about them. Plus this week I'm writing about AIDS Lifecycle and the new gay ambassador to the Olympics, and it's hard to make fun of them. I'll just say this: thank god for Coco Crisp.
.
But to clarify what I wrote above, the thing is I really like the guy. I think he's great, and I actually believe that for once, and I'd like to be friends at the very least. I need more handsome, non-judgmental, funny, and overall good guys in my life, even if they're not in my bed. I know I have a lot of baggage right now, and even without GWB I'm a lot to handle. Even if my "over it" radar was, as I predict, accurate, I don't regret this weekend, nor the experience as a whole, limited as it has been, and I would be very happy to continue it in whatever way in the future.
.
But then what if you are
What a prince would envision?
.
And it's really nice to be able to feel that way after all these years of...well, I've got five (+) years of journal documenting THAT shitshow.
.
Although how can you know who you are
'Til you know what you want
Which you don't...
.
To be fair, I had a blast yesterday. After McDonald's, we met Andrew at the gate and got in around 1:30. We managed to do everything I love, pretty much, from Matterhorn to Space to Thunder to Mr. Toad to the Disneyland Railroad, and of course the fireworks and Fantasmic! And the last-hour marathon: Splash, Mansion and Indy with ten minutes to spare! Andrew and his roommate Kyle met us for Fantasmic, where Andrew had secured us spots in the reserved area, and Kyle got us fastpasses for Indiana Jones. We even managed to get across the way to California Screamin', which I haven't been on since senior year of high school when I went with Decathlon, and it only had a ten minute wait! We had clam chowder in bread bowls, and I didn't buy anything until night, when I treated myself to a long-awaited raspberry Coke and a Dole Whip float (after flirting with the servers). Kyle was interesting because his knowledge overlaps Andrew's at points but also has areas with which Andrew is necessarily unfamiliar (about Disney, that is).
.
Tea and I have been talking since Wednesday morning about the "over it" factor. I have been able to develop a radar that lets me know pretty reliably when the feelings of someone I'm dating suddenly change from interest to ambivalence or worse. I felt that moment on Wednesday morning, although it has been so long since I really dated (well, with Gordon and Barrett being exceptions, and in both those cases I felt the shift, even if in the latter case particularly I ignored it) and this guy seemed different for a while that I didn't trust my instinct fully: just enough to be wary of the possibility. I told Tea I would know for sure after Disneyland; it could hardly be worse than when Scott dumped me in front of the castle and I cried and made him take me back. Early on in the day, in fact before Andrew let us in, I decided that the moment had passed (aka, to Tea, "he's over it"). Even if it wasn't or isn't exactly accurate (which I doubt), I wasn't getting the interest that I consider appropriate for dating or a relationship. So, fortunately, since I noticed and decided this early on, instead of what I might have done in the past (trying in vain to manipulate the situation in my favor and then getting even more frustrated when it didn't work) I decided to just let it be and enjoy myself. I mean, it's Disneyland. With me, it's a marathon, not a sprint (stay hydrated and get over the fact that I geek out to the max). None of this hiding my goofiness or pretending to be more together than I am in order to make someone like me or, as Tea said, trying to make something go on after it's over. Like Cinderella says,
.
But then what if he knew who you were
When you know that you're not
What he thinks that he wants?
.
And I had a great time. I asked Andrew early on to join us later, and he worried he would be a third wheel, but I told him that it wouldn't be an issue. He took what I said with a grain of salt and asked his roommate to be his buffer...so even my buffer had a buffer. This somewhat backfired; the boys weren't sure how it was going, although the body language apparently was even telling enough for my straight brother to deduce that there wasn't exactly joy in Mudville, and spent the night talking amongst themselves, mostly oblivious to my desperate attempts to interject into their conversations or get some attention paid to me. I don't blame them; it wasn't exactly their comfort zone. Thankfully Kyle, who is of the "persuasion" as I called it, recognized the need for some strong margaritas when Andrew and I got back to his apartment, of which I had three before Andrew made me some ground beef and I went to sleep on the couch.
.
I was fine for most of the day, physically, until we got up the hill and my sinus felt like it was going to make my head explode a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. I lay down, hurting so much my eye was tearing up independent of my own free will, took two more sudafed and two prescription-strength ibuprofin (recommended dose is one) and half an hour later took a hot shower and finally I was able to feel somewhat alive. The Herolds were here for the graduation party and also others of our friends and family. Lindsay and I took Lauren down to Pathfinder for her first week at work. She looks so cute these days with her good fashion sense and makeup and hair and general confidence. She's come a long way from the girl who called me crying the day she moved into her dorm because she was worried about making friends. Shannon got on me for talking about "myself" a lot, as is admittedly my wont, but it was really in response to Herold and Alice asking about London and about life. I mean, to be fair, I was a Decathlete and spent a lot of time with the Herolds. I embarrassed myself by blabbing about Hepworth when I totally meant Nevelson, and then I had to correct myself, blushing, because I just love Nevelson so much that I couldn't slander her name by saying I wrote about O'Keeffe and Hepworth's views of the city. Hello, Hepworth does eggs. Nevelson does cities. What was I thinking? I'll be replaying that for days, weeks, years in my head. Oy.
.
Lindsay and I were talking about how as the years go by the notion of us getting married becomes more and more appealing. The funny thing is, neither of our sets of parents seem to think it would be such a bad idea. If Clay Aiken can become an in vitro daddy with a fifty-year-old, Lindsay and I could have great kids and an awesome open marriage, full of love if not (as we were arguing) consummated in the eyes of God. But I don't particularly believe in him so that doesn't matter to me.
.
I'm trying to finish my second sports column. I wish people would do more hilarious gay things more often so I could justify the C-note I get each week for banging out snarky comments about them. Plus this week I'm writing about AIDS Lifecycle and the new gay ambassador to the Olympics, and it's hard to make fun of them. I'll just say this: thank god for Coco Crisp.
.
But to clarify what I wrote above, the thing is I really like the guy. I think he's great, and I actually believe that for once, and I'd like to be friends at the very least. I need more handsome, non-judgmental, funny, and overall good guys in my life, even if they're not in my bed. I know I have a lot of baggage right now, and even without GWB I'm a lot to handle. Even if my "over it" radar was, as I predict, accurate, I don't regret this weekend, nor the experience as a whole, limited as it has been, and I would be very happy to continue it in whatever way in the future.
.
But then what if you are
What a prince would envision?
.
And it's really nice to be able to feel that way after all these years of...well, I've got five (+) years of journal documenting THAT shitshow.
.
Although how can you know who you are
'Til you know what you want
Which you don't...