And He Was...Naive
After lying in bed for hours this morning and afternoon, unable to return to the land of Nod because my mind was too busy reminiscing about the men in my past, I decided to embrace the nostalgia and read some of the oldest entries in my journal, which date back to January of 2003.
.
2003, particularly the first half, was one of the most life-changing years I've had in this brief 23-year existence. My perusing began with the tail end of my seriously odd relationship with Zach, including his prodigal return to Los Angeles and our trip to Santa Clarita, out of which I got my two-year BBC America radio Oscar-reporting gig. It was amusing to rifle through my oh-so-young feelings about him, some of the overly optimistic things I said about the future, and the ways in which I tried to get over my feelings, which was much easier around early March when a new man came on the scene.
.
Reading about my first cyber-encounters with Scott made me alternately smile and wretch, depending on the severity of the sappiness and naivete ("I have never felt like this before and...I am truly excited and feel in love with him, someone I haven't even met face-to-face!"). I enjoyed reliving my first few weekends with him, including our hilarious skiing trip (I was a snow bunny to the max) and romantic dinners, his mother telling him he could have the big bed that summer ("David's going to be around, right?") and my magical trip to New York and Princeton about which I unfortunately only wrote half.
.
Then of course I watched the relationship develop after he moved back to LA. I was so happy and hopelessly enamoured of this guy and it shows in my writing. Even when things started to go moderately sour I was disgustingly optimistic. As I read through the summer I started having a bit of sinking in my stomach, knowing as I do what was to come, like watching an intense or sad movie you've already seen but can't help hoping the outcome will impossibly change. I notice that even three days before we broke up I was writing things like "I think things are going to work out between us."
.
Sad (for me, at least) as reading about the last days of our relationship was, I could no longer continue reading the days and weeks after the breakup. That period was the real horror, with me being the psycho ex-boyfriend from Hell, trying desperately for months to win back someone who had, essentially, outgrown me. I needed to grow up myself and I know it took me almost a year to realize that. I simply can't stand to relive THOSE days, not so soon after going over the only real relationship I ever had and its predictable ups and downs.
.
I did write Scott a little note to see how he was, acknowledging that it has been two or three years since we talked. Perhaps I was spurred on subconsciously by a conversation Alan and Denny had last night on Boston Legal in which Denny bemoaned the tendency to be intimate with someone and then later to lose contact entirely and permanently. I only knew how to contact Scott via Friendster.com (remember that?) so who knows if he will ever get the note, but I needed to say something, I guess.
.
Love is complicated, hilarious, painful and bizarre. Hopefully when I get another chance to be in love I can apply what I learned oh so long ago.
.
2003, particularly the first half, was one of the most life-changing years I've had in this brief 23-year existence. My perusing began with the tail end of my seriously odd relationship with Zach, including his prodigal return to Los Angeles and our trip to Santa Clarita, out of which I got my two-year BBC America radio Oscar-reporting gig. It was amusing to rifle through my oh-so-young feelings about him, some of the overly optimistic things I said about the future, and the ways in which I tried to get over my feelings, which was much easier around early March when a new man came on the scene.
.
Reading about my first cyber-encounters with Scott made me alternately smile and wretch, depending on the severity of the sappiness and naivete ("I have never felt like this before and...I am truly excited and feel in love with him, someone I haven't even met face-to-face!"). I enjoyed reliving my first few weekends with him, including our hilarious skiing trip (I was a snow bunny to the max) and romantic dinners, his mother telling him he could have the big bed that summer ("David's going to be around, right?") and my magical trip to New York and Princeton about which I unfortunately only wrote half.
.
Then of course I watched the relationship develop after he moved back to LA. I was so happy and hopelessly enamoured of this guy and it shows in my writing. Even when things started to go moderately sour I was disgustingly optimistic. As I read through the summer I started having a bit of sinking in my stomach, knowing as I do what was to come, like watching an intense or sad movie you've already seen but can't help hoping the outcome will impossibly change. I notice that even three days before we broke up I was writing things like "I think things are going to work out between us."
.
Sad (for me, at least) as reading about the last days of our relationship was, I could no longer continue reading the days and weeks after the breakup. That period was the real horror, with me being the psycho ex-boyfriend from Hell, trying desperately for months to win back someone who had, essentially, outgrown me. I needed to grow up myself and I know it took me almost a year to realize that. I simply can't stand to relive THOSE days, not so soon after going over the only real relationship I ever had and its predictable ups and downs.
.
I did write Scott a little note to see how he was, acknowledging that it has been two or three years since we talked. Perhaps I was spurred on subconsciously by a conversation Alan and Denny had last night on Boston Legal in which Denny bemoaned the tendency to be intimate with someone and then later to lose contact entirely and permanently. I only knew how to contact Scott via Friendster.com (remember that?) so who knows if he will ever get the note, but I needed to say something, I guess.
.
Love is complicated, hilarious, painful and bizarre. Hopefully when I get another chance to be in love I can apply what I learned oh so long ago.