choke hold
I seem to be in this deadly choke hold right now. I can't say anything, or it's another point against my record, i can't so much as breathe out of line, or its another point against my record, and my captor, Mike, can go ahead and get away with whatever the hell he wants, because he knows he can with no consequences.
it's infuriating. I'm trying to get my own life down here and i can't because i'm still in this choke hold. Still unable to do and say as i please. We're separated. He doesn't want anything to DO with my life right now, he's said as much, and yet i can't even make a comment in my journal without things coming up like 'i'm glad you still know the difference between public and private'. I'm sorry. There is nothing about my life that i hide from anyone except my sex life, and even that is up to discussion if the timing is right and it's with the right person. What the hell is there to hide, and why go through all the trouble to hide it? If i want to get something off my chest without starting a fight with Mike, i'm sure as hell gonna get it out somewhere else, and i think writing is a much healthier way than other people have come up with. I mean, would he rather everytime i get pissed off or upset or something like that, that i go out and cut on myself? cause that's what i used to do. And i kept it private for years. Or how about i go out and find some drunk bastard and have sex with him everytime i feel like my relationship isn't working properly. That seems to be how they solve problems out here, how about i go do that? No. All i do is write out my frustrations. There is nothing wrong with that. And so what if one or two people in the whole fucking world read it. huh? Afraid his parents are going to find out what he's really doing to me? Afraid that omgawsh he'll have to talk about something personal? Probably the latter. Mike wants to wipe me off the slate. Pretend like i'm not there. I'm sorry, i don't disappear like that. Especially when my future is up in the air.
so to explain where all of this is coming from, i got a bill today for 200 bucks from the lawyer, for services rendered that he said he'd wave if we paid by the first, which we did. I immediately called mike because i don't have 200 dollars. i have 0 dollars. Because that's what he left me with after it was all said and done. His response was 'its your lawyer, you figure it out' and hung up on me.
i'm sorry, its OUR fucking lawyer. If it were my lawyer i'd have taken every bit of his advice. Instead i took none of it, and let him draw up paperwork for the separation that we agreed upon. All he did was facilitate our separation. He was OUR lawyer. And i think the person with the renewable income can pay for that lawyer, instead of the person with zero income and zero money having to worry about another bill that she can't pay because she has nothing to pay it with. There are a total of three jobs down here i can possibly get, and i've put in for all three and interviewed for one. It isn't as if im not trying, but i'll be damned if i'm going to keep having myself financially screwed over by Mike because hes become, well, i dont want to put it that way. But i'll be damned if i'm paying that 200 dollars all myself. This was HIS idea, not mine. it should have been his lawyer, not mine. But he didn't want to even take one day off of work to go to one, so i had to do it. His precious work, that i, by th eway, suggested in the first place that he get into, because i knew it would be good for him.
god i'm so frustrated right now. This shit pisses me off. Like i said, i'm in a damned choke hold and i can't breathe. from 2k miles away he's still got absolute control over me, as usual.
it's infuriating. I'm trying to get my own life down here and i can't because i'm still in this choke hold. Still unable to do and say as i please. We're separated. He doesn't want anything to DO with my life right now, he's said as much, and yet i can't even make a comment in my journal without things coming up like 'i'm glad you still know the difference between public and private'. I'm sorry. There is nothing about my life that i hide from anyone except my sex life, and even that is up to discussion if the timing is right and it's with the right person. What the hell is there to hide, and why go through all the trouble to hide it? If i want to get something off my chest without starting a fight with Mike, i'm sure as hell gonna get it out somewhere else, and i think writing is a much healthier way than other people have come up with. I mean, would he rather everytime i get pissed off or upset or something like that, that i go out and cut on myself? cause that's what i used to do. And i kept it private for years. Or how about i go out and find some drunk bastard and have sex with him everytime i feel like my relationship isn't working properly. That seems to be how they solve problems out here, how about i go do that? No. All i do is write out my frustrations. There is nothing wrong with that. And so what if one or two people in the whole fucking world read it. huh? Afraid his parents are going to find out what he's really doing to me? Afraid that omgawsh he'll have to talk about something personal? Probably the latter. Mike wants to wipe me off the slate. Pretend like i'm not there. I'm sorry, i don't disappear like that. Especially when my future is up in the air.
so to explain where all of this is coming from, i got a bill today for 200 bucks from the lawyer, for services rendered that he said he'd wave if we paid by the first, which we did. I immediately called mike because i don't have 200 dollars. i have 0 dollars. Because that's what he left me with after it was all said and done. His response was 'its your lawyer, you figure it out' and hung up on me.
i'm sorry, its OUR fucking lawyer. If it were my lawyer i'd have taken every bit of his advice. Instead i took none of it, and let him draw up paperwork for the separation that we agreed upon. All he did was facilitate our separation. He was OUR lawyer. And i think the person with the renewable income can pay for that lawyer, instead of the person with zero income and zero money having to worry about another bill that she can't pay because she has nothing to pay it with. There are a total of three jobs down here i can possibly get, and i've put in for all three and interviewed for one. It isn't as if im not trying, but i'll be damned if i'm going to keep having myself financially screwed over by Mike because hes become, well, i dont want to put it that way. But i'll be damned if i'm paying that 200 dollars all myself. This was HIS idea, not mine. it should have been his lawyer, not mine. But he didn't want to even take one day off of work to go to one, so i had to do it. His precious work, that i, by th eway, suggested in the first place that he get into, because i knew it would be good for him.
god i'm so frustrated right now. This shit pisses me off. Like i said, i'm in a damned choke hold and i can't breathe. from 2k miles away he's still got absolute control over me, as usual.