Letting go, going with the flow
It has been an interesting past months.
The adrenaline has been surprising, because I've always been in the shadows. Realistic. Cynical. To the point of being almost tyrannical. Reserving most energies for myself, breaking puffing things down and focusing on achieving brilliance.
It's almost true I can't operate in fluffy clouds. Partly why I hate air turbulence and rocking boats. Yup, I would gladly strap on a parachute to jump out of the plane or dive out into the sea and grab on a piece of rope to be pulled along- just because it gives me a higher sense of security.
It isn't necessarily good, because public impression becomes an issue- "let's not speak with the 'negative' one; we'll never reach for the skies engaging 'that one'". So it became clear that brilliance for brilliance sake just isn't going to cut it unfortunately.
Almost as if it were a 'confidence' issue. But many don't realize- it isn't. Obsessive self-critique and judgment is often times invisible to the public sphere; but extremely visible to the one dealing with it.
It does take time. And it does take much practice. As well as being given no-backing-out-opportunities to forcefully push past one's boundaries.
Forget about the world. Forget about the self. One's worse enemy is truly within the mind itself. Selfishly paralyzing and agonizingly annoying.
Just a few days ago, a more senior-than-me colleague asked me how I seemed so calm despite needing to address a thousand-strong domain-specialized crowd in a few minutes.
I told him it's firstly, just a resting-glum face I have. And smiles do take effort. Secondly, I was actually freaking out inside. But I'll eventually just shake it all off because I was owning what was required out of me there and then.
There comes a time eventually, you'll need to tell yourself to stop freaking out. Especially when you've already paid your dues, chased the appropriate experiences and prepared yourself as best as you can for it.
I don't know how. Something just clicked. And I'm eternally grateful for the mentors and opportunities that have influenced this change. Constant reminders to embrace it do help. Hopefully, it will reach a point of where the efforts become, even, enjoyable.
Perhaps- to completely share and immense oneself with many others take time. Some of us are naturals, some of us take a little bit more coaxing, clawing and then eventually rising.
Old habits do take time to be released from, truly.
The adrenaline has been surprising, because I've always been in the shadows. Realistic. Cynical. To the point of being almost tyrannical. Reserving most energies for myself, breaking puffing things down and focusing on achieving brilliance.
It's almost true I can't operate in fluffy clouds. Partly why I hate air turbulence and rocking boats. Yup, I would gladly strap on a parachute to jump out of the plane or dive out into the sea and grab on a piece of rope to be pulled along- just because it gives me a higher sense of security.
It isn't necessarily good, because public impression becomes an issue- "let's not speak with the 'negative' one; we'll never reach for the skies engaging 'that one'". So it became clear that brilliance for brilliance sake just isn't going to cut it unfortunately.
Almost as if it were a 'confidence' issue. But many don't realize- it isn't. Obsessive self-critique and judgment is often times invisible to the public sphere; but extremely visible to the one dealing with it.
It does take time. And it does take much practice. As well as being given no-backing-out-opportunities to forcefully push past one's boundaries.
Forget about the world. Forget about the self. One's worse enemy is truly within the mind itself. Selfishly paralyzing and agonizingly annoying.
Just a few days ago, a more senior-than-me colleague asked me how I seemed so calm despite needing to address a thousand-strong domain-specialized crowd in a few minutes.
I told him it's firstly, just a resting-glum face I have. And smiles do take effort. Secondly, I was actually freaking out inside. But I'll eventually just shake it all off because I was owning what was required out of me there and then.
There comes a time eventually, you'll need to tell yourself to stop freaking out. Especially when you've already paid your dues, chased the appropriate experiences and prepared yourself as best as you can for it.
I don't know how. Something just clicked. And I'm eternally grateful for the mentors and opportunities that have influenced this change. Constant reminders to embrace it do help. Hopefully, it will reach a point of where the efforts become, even, enjoyable.
Perhaps- to completely share and immense oneself with many others take time. Some of us are naturals, some of us take a little bit more coaxing, clawing and then eventually rising.
Old habits do take time to be released from, truly.