A thousand dreams that we can still believe
It's getting worse, more confusing and increasingly difficult to get myself out of it now. I'm actually past the point of no return.
I just hate that it feels like I can't control how I feel now because all I want to do is charge one way with 'us' and he keeps holding it back. But you can't force another person's feelings, it's just upsetting when they give you indication that it could go the way you want it.
I don't know.
I just hate that I feel like I don't get it and I'm trusting him less and less everyday, although I find myself thinking about him more and wanting to see him all the time and just feeling separation anxiety after only being apart for a few minutes. Usually I can't stand being in someone's company for too long but he's like a drug that I just can't get enough of, and I look forward to seeing him so much. It hurts physically not to be able to see him, and when I'm with him I keep waiting for things like him grabbing my hand or pulling me in for a hug or asking if he can kiss me.
He's just fucking stupid doing this and I don't think he has a fucking clue because I'll never tell him this and I'll never tell him that I'm already crazy about him like I haven't been about someone in a long time. All because he has this other boy and I know he has others as I spoke to one of them yesterday.. I know he's lying. And yet I'll never confront him about it because I want him to admit it to me himself, but if he continues to lie to me then I'll just exit silently and he'll never hear from me again, and he won't know why.
You see the main problem is that I care too much even though I have absolutely no reason to. He's not my boyfriend, I've only known him a little while, he's been seeing the other lads much longer than he has me but I just cannot stop how I feel. It'd be absolutely lovely to put a stopper on these stupid things called emotions and then I could go through life like a robot doing everything mechanically without a second or even a first thought. I hate that I can't do anything without wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking of me.
I just hate that it feels like I can't control how I feel now because all I want to do is charge one way with 'us' and he keeps holding it back. But you can't force another person's feelings, it's just upsetting when they give you indication that it could go the way you want it.
I don't know.
I just hate that I feel like I don't get it and I'm trusting him less and less everyday, although I find myself thinking about him more and wanting to see him all the time and just feeling separation anxiety after only being apart for a few minutes. Usually I can't stand being in someone's company for too long but he's like a drug that I just can't get enough of, and I look forward to seeing him so much. It hurts physically not to be able to see him, and when I'm with him I keep waiting for things like him grabbing my hand or pulling me in for a hug or asking if he can kiss me.
He's just fucking stupid doing this and I don't think he has a fucking clue because I'll never tell him this and I'll never tell him that I'm already crazy about him like I haven't been about someone in a long time. All because he has this other boy and I know he has others as I spoke to one of them yesterday.. I know he's lying. And yet I'll never confront him about it because I want him to admit it to me himself, but if he continues to lie to me then I'll just exit silently and he'll never hear from me again, and he won't know why.
You see the main problem is that I care too much even though I have absolutely no reason to. He's not my boyfriend, I've only known him a little while, he's been seeing the other lads much longer than he has me but I just cannot stop how I feel. It'd be absolutely lovely to put a stopper on these stupid things called emotions and then I could go through life like a robot doing everything mechanically without a second or even a first thought. I hate that I can't do anything without wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking of me.