Why is it I've become reacquainted with ennui?
First thing: I begin to type out this post, and "Mad World" by Gary Jules starts playing on the radio. Cosmic coincidences can kiss my ass. :P
Anyways.
I am 22 days from my 35 birthday. I know this is a bit early for a mid-life crisis, and to be honest, this is no different then the emotions & thoughts I normally get when dissatisfied with life (and no different then what many others go through), but I've been giving more and more thought about returning to academia. The hubs is falling increasingly in love with the idea of being a professor, so he'll be looking for a post-doc in a couple of years. After that, a tenure-track position somewhere. He definitely is aware that those positions are coveted and rare, but we both want to take this next step so who knows where we'll end up.
However, and honestly, I'm a bit jealous and it's been making me reconsider teaching. The track that Cory's on gives me 2-3 years to try to figure everything out and get things lined up. Which, I think I'm doing: I have one publication under the belt, one edited volume & two chapters currently being reviewed, another co-authored chapter submitted to the publisher, a couple of soundscape projects on the side, including one where we'll be bringing sound into a 3D virtual reality presentation of an ancient city, and exploring an additional side project with nexrad. I've been interviewed in the news and there are multiple public focused articles addressing my research. I'm active in the governance of my field's national organization; I'm still an associated researcher with my school; I'm organizing officially sponsored symposia at national meetings. All this is fucking awesome, and I'm loving it. All I'm missing is teaching experience, but I will be co-teaching a 700-level course on the laws and practices of cultural resource management next fall, so there's that.
All this on top of working a full time career, in my field, using my degree, with a pension, additional retirement benefits, awesome healthcare, etc. So why the hell am I not happy with where I'm at in life? Why do I constantly suffer from impostor syndrome while building one of the best CVs my department has seen from a recent graduate (though admittedly, I'm pretty mid-level for my field)? Why is it I feel like I must constantly compete with the successes of my peers, even when all it does is keep me under this cloud of discontent and stress? But at the same time, I make myself compete, and I keep thinking I'm not good enough to get one of those tenure-track jobs one day.
All I know is that I'm getting close to the half-way point of my life (if I don't end up dying early). I'm no where near where I'd want to be. I want to be the next fucking Chomsky. I not only want to be nexrad's metaphorical "shark in a pond," I want to be the fucking T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Maybe then I'll be happy with my career. I just need to figure out a way to get there.
Anyways.
I am 22 days from my 35 birthday. I know this is a bit early for a mid-life crisis, and to be honest, this is no different then the emotions & thoughts I normally get when dissatisfied with life (and no different then what many others go through), but I've been giving more and more thought about returning to academia. The hubs is falling increasingly in love with the idea of being a professor, so he'll be looking for a post-doc in a couple of years. After that, a tenure-track position somewhere. He definitely is aware that those positions are coveted and rare, but we both want to take this next step so who knows where we'll end up.
However, and honestly, I'm a bit jealous and it's been making me reconsider teaching. The track that Cory's on gives me 2-3 years to try to figure everything out and get things lined up. Which, I think I'm doing: I have one publication under the belt, one edited volume & two chapters currently being reviewed, another co-authored chapter submitted to the publisher, a couple of soundscape projects on the side, including one where we'll be bringing sound into a 3D virtual reality presentation of an ancient city, and exploring an additional side project with nexrad. I've been interviewed in the news and there are multiple public focused articles addressing my research. I'm active in the governance of my field's national organization; I'm still an associated researcher with my school; I'm organizing officially sponsored symposia at national meetings. All this is fucking awesome, and I'm loving it. All I'm missing is teaching experience, but I will be co-teaching a 700-level course on the laws and practices of cultural resource management next fall, so there's that.
All this on top of working a full time career, in my field, using my degree, with a pension, additional retirement benefits, awesome healthcare, etc. So why the hell am I not happy with where I'm at in life? Why do I constantly suffer from impostor syndrome while building one of the best CVs my department has seen from a recent graduate (though admittedly, I'm pretty mid-level for my field)? Why is it I feel like I must constantly compete with the successes of my peers, even when all it does is keep me under this cloud of discontent and stress? But at the same time, I make myself compete, and I keep thinking I'm not good enough to get one of those tenure-track jobs one day.
All I know is that I'm getting close to the half-way point of my life (if I don't end up dying early). I'm no where near where I'd want to be. I want to be the next fucking Chomsky. I not only want to be nexrad's metaphorical "shark in a pond," I want to be the fucking T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Maybe then I'll be happy with my career. I just need to figure out a way to get there.