Change and a Thank you to my friends
I realized today that I've actually become a better person than I used to be. I know it sounds like a shallow and self congratulatory thing to say. I mean I'm still lazy, irresponsible, and dirty, but I've realized at the same time that if some people that I used to know were to meet me again now they'd probably be happy because I took their suggestions to heart. I at least try to make myself to good things. My house is actually clean and staying that way, and I've been actively participating in more responsible type stuff around my house.
I know a few people probably don't care for my "attitude" but well, I've stopped lying. I'm sick of it. Whether it's lying by pretending to be someone I'm not or being nice to people who really aren't deserving of it or sugarcoating things and doing people a disservice. I'm just done. I never realized it until Eric and I had a long talk but when I was with my ex, I wasn't myself at all. My friends tell me know and Eric especially that they didn't understand why I was behaving the way that I was. They all had thought i was some sort of pod person. I realize it myself now.
I think every argument Eric and I have gotten into has been resolved in minutes just by both of us being totally honest. I know it's something a lot of people claim to do, but I mean geuinely living my life without unnecessaery deception and finding someone like minded has really made me less self conscious and timid. That's not to say that I don't still have a long ways to go, but I'm happier with myself than I've ever been. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and talking down to me. I'm intelligent and well spoken. I'm an adult and I refuse to be judged anymore when my actions aren't hurting anyone.
So I guess I sort of owe a thanks to my friend Dave even though we don't talk much anymore. It's been through reading his journal and feeling as if I've gone on my own personal journey that's made me happier. I hope that if we ever meet in RL again that he'll be really proud of me. I suppose it's an odd thing to say since he's about the same age as my husband (who I never even remotely think of this way) but I feel like he's been an older brother to me at times when I really needed it and I feel that I never really appreciated him until I don't have the luxry of seeing him at work anymore.
So thanks to everyone whose been my friend through all these years. To everyone whose been a shoulder for me to cry on. Thank you to people who I've lost touch with or fallen out with. If you've ever been there for me I still want to thank you. I want to thank Heather for always being my friend even when I made it difficult for her. I want to thank Candice for listening to me when I was despressed and for making me feel good about myself. I want to thank Jenny for being the person she is; I love her honesty and her willingness to listen and be critical. Her writing advaice and praise always meant a lot to me. I want to thank Tabs even though she'll never see this for making me think and question so many things, for not letting me settle for feeling sorry for myself, and for always being there to lift me up. I want to thank Jen for helping me through one of the most difficult moments in my life even though we're no longer friends. I want to thank her for what must have been very emotionally difficult for her and I want to say that I understand that she just couldn't deal with being friends with me in such an awful time anymore. I put her through more than she deserved and I hope that although we'll probably never be friends again that she forgives me. I want to thank Annie for being there for me and for helping me out on my wedding day when things were so stressful (You too heather!) She was one of my first friends on the internet and i want to thank her for sticking by me for all these years. I want to thank Rosalinda for being a nice spot of humor in all the time I've known her and for listening to the most insane of my ideas. I was glad to be at her birthday party even though she'd never met me (Happy Early BDay!). I want to thank Adgee for being a great RP partner and for dropping everything to come to my wedding when we barely knew each other. (I love the pitcher you gave me!) I want to thank Chiloh for her listening and for her great personality and willingness to just let me rant; for understanding me when few did. I want to thank Tim, for making me feel beautiful and desirable when I couldn't see anything in myself to love. I want to thank Phil for being the best boss on earth and for making my job at Suncoast feel more like a second home than just a little store with busted air conditioning. I want to thank Dave for putting up with all my crap and whining. I want to thank him for all his time and emotional investment and thank him for putting himself through so much frustration to help me be a better and happier person. I want to thank my 2 oldest friends; Lisa and Eric. Without them I don't know where i'd be. I've never had any friends other than them for so long who stuck by me. Lisa and I have nothing in common and yet she's been one of my biggest supporters and best friends. I want to thank Eric for always encouraging me and i want to apologize for making him seem like the bad guy to strangers after we broke up. And lastly I want to thank my dad. I wouldn't be here without him and I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. I want to thank him for being a strong example and for always doing what was right even when I didn't see it. I want to thank him for being everything that parent should be and I want to thank him for doing his best to keep me safe. I want to thank him for all his love and for spending his life raising me to be a good person and a strong person. I hope that he too is proud of me.
And to anyone that I may have left out; the rest of my family and friends, I want to thank you too who always stood by me :)
I know a few people probably don't care for my "attitude" but well, I've stopped lying. I'm sick of it. Whether it's lying by pretending to be someone I'm not or being nice to people who really aren't deserving of it or sugarcoating things and doing people a disservice. I'm just done. I never realized it until Eric and I had a long talk but when I was with my ex, I wasn't myself at all. My friends tell me know and Eric especially that they didn't understand why I was behaving the way that I was. They all had thought i was some sort of pod person. I realize it myself now.
I think every argument Eric and I have gotten into has been resolved in minutes just by both of us being totally honest. I know it's something a lot of people claim to do, but I mean geuinely living my life without unnecessaery deception and finding someone like minded has really made me less self conscious and timid. That's not to say that I don't still have a long ways to go, but I'm happier with myself than I've ever been. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and talking down to me. I'm intelligent and well spoken. I'm an adult and I refuse to be judged anymore when my actions aren't hurting anyone.
So I guess I sort of owe a thanks to my friend Dave even though we don't talk much anymore. It's been through reading his journal and feeling as if I've gone on my own personal journey that's made me happier. I hope that if we ever meet in RL again that he'll be really proud of me. I suppose it's an odd thing to say since he's about the same age as my husband (who I never even remotely think of this way) but I feel like he's been an older brother to me at times when I really needed it and I feel that I never really appreciated him until I don't have the luxry of seeing him at work anymore.
So thanks to everyone whose been my friend through all these years. To everyone whose been a shoulder for me to cry on. Thank you to people who I've lost touch with or fallen out with. If you've ever been there for me I still want to thank you. I want to thank Heather for always being my friend even when I made it difficult for her. I want to thank Candice for listening to me when I was despressed and for making me feel good about myself. I want to thank Jenny for being the person she is; I love her honesty and her willingness to listen and be critical. Her writing advaice and praise always meant a lot to me. I want to thank Tabs even though she'll never see this for making me think and question so many things, for not letting me settle for feeling sorry for myself, and for always being there to lift me up. I want to thank Jen for helping me through one of the most difficult moments in my life even though we're no longer friends. I want to thank her for what must have been very emotionally difficult for her and I want to say that I understand that she just couldn't deal with being friends with me in such an awful time anymore. I put her through more than she deserved and I hope that although we'll probably never be friends again that she forgives me. I want to thank Annie for being there for me and for helping me out on my wedding day when things were so stressful (You too heather!) She was one of my first friends on the internet and i want to thank her for sticking by me for all these years. I want to thank Rosalinda for being a nice spot of humor in all the time I've known her and for listening to the most insane of my ideas. I was glad to be at her birthday party even though she'd never met me (Happy Early BDay!). I want to thank Adgee for being a great RP partner and for dropping everything to come to my wedding when we barely knew each other. (I love the pitcher you gave me!) I want to thank Chiloh for her listening and for her great personality and willingness to just let me rant; for understanding me when few did. I want to thank Tim, for making me feel beautiful and desirable when I couldn't see anything in myself to love. I want to thank Phil for being the best boss on earth and for making my job at Suncoast feel more like a second home than just a little store with busted air conditioning. I want to thank Dave for putting up with all my crap and whining. I want to thank him for all his time and emotional investment and thank him for putting himself through so much frustration to help me be a better and happier person. I want to thank my 2 oldest friends; Lisa and Eric. Without them I don't know where i'd be. I've never had any friends other than them for so long who stuck by me. Lisa and I have nothing in common and yet she's been one of my biggest supporters and best friends. I want to thank Eric for always encouraging me and i want to apologize for making him seem like the bad guy to strangers after we broke up. And lastly I want to thank my dad. I wouldn't be here without him and I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. I want to thank him for being a strong example and for always doing what was right even when I didn't see it. I want to thank him for being everything that parent should be and I want to thank him for doing his best to keep me safe. I want to thank him for all his love and for spending his life raising me to be a good person and a strong person. I hope that he too is proud of me.
And to anyone that I may have left out; the rest of my family and friends, I want to thank you too who always stood by me :)