Watching the digits click off
I have a lot on my mind and feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I've been keeping, not secrets, but things to myself. Mostly feelings that probably would be best spoken to some shrink but I refuse to allow them to play with my head.
I lost Josh in late February to complications from a heart attack. Just too painful still to talk about it but I miss him so much.
Matthew has become a lost child. I haven't spoken to him in 2 months due to the fact that he decided at 2 am in the morning one Saturday to appear on his brother's doorstep and when he opened the door tried to beat the hell out of him. He is a drunk and the one thing I cannot tolerate is an alcoholic. Tough love for him is killing me inside and I decided to call him earlier tonight. We spoke briefly and exchanged words which left me feeling guilty. Afterward, I indulged in chocolate rabbits and that will more than likely trigger my stomach problems for which I will spend the remainder of the weekend with a mag in the bathroom.
I dis-attached myself from a friend. I had to. I just couldn't deal with the realization of how much anger I had stowed away deep in my heart over things that happened between he and I for years and when it came close to me completely exploding on him, I decided it was best to shut my mouth and just walk away. Now, he is back on line day in and day out and I did speak to him briefly, but I'm still feeling like an outsider in his world and that will never change.
I want to cry but the tears won't come. There has always been such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I guess I've grown numb to hurt and pain. People expect so much out of me and for as much as I give of my heart to those I love, I've received little to nothing in return. I've always had that problem with I'm there for them when they need me, but where are they when I need them syndrome. Basically, my core family is pretty messed up but I can't be responsible for everyone. At some point they have to be responsible for themselves but they make me feel so guilty. Like I'm the reason their lives are so messed up when I know I have done everything humanly possible to help them including giving up my life for so long that now I don't know where I fit anymore.
But, the bottom line at this wee hour of the morning is: My bed is empty, my heart is heavy, and I would give anything for a pair of loving arms wrapped around me right now.
I lost Josh in late February to complications from a heart attack. Just too painful still to talk about it but I miss him so much.
Matthew has become a lost child. I haven't spoken to him in 2 months due to the fact that he decided at 2 am in the morning one Saturday to appear on his brother's doorstep and when he opened the door tried to beat the hell out of him. He is a drunk and the one thing I cannot tolerate is an alcoholic. Tough love for him is killing me inside and I decided to call him earlier tonight. We spoke briefly and exchanged words which left me feeling guilty. Afterward, I indulged in chocolate rabbits and that will more than likely trigger my stomach problems for which I will spend the remainder of the weekend with a mag in the bathroom.
I dis-attached myself from a friend. I had to. I just couldn't deal with the realization of how much anger I had stowed away deep in my heart over things that happened between he and I for years and when it came close to me completely exploding on him, I decided it was best to shut my mouth and just walk away. Now, he is back on line day in and day out and I did speak to him briefly, but I'm still feeling like an outsider in his world and that will never change.
I want to cry but the tears won't come. There has always been such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I guess I've grown numb to hurt and pain. People expect so much out of me and for as much as I give of my heart to those I love, I've received little to nothing in return. I've always had that problem with I'm there for them when they need me, but where are they when I need them syndrome. Basically, my core family is pretty messed up but I can't be responsible for everyone. At some point they have to be responsible for themselves but they make me feel so guilty. Like I'm the reason their lives are so messed up when I know I have done everything humanly possible to help them including giving up my life for so long that now I don't know where I fit anymore.
But, the bottom line at this wee hour of the morning is: My bed is empty, my heart is heavy, and I would give anything for a pair of loving arms wrapped around me right now.