Nothing
Watching new movies on Netflix doesn’t bring joy anymore.
Watching old movies on Netflix doesn’t bring joy anymore.
i just skip skip skip skip skip.
I can’t sleep and I can’t get myself to do the things I need to. Trello.com worked for a while (putting down things I need to do and working it out, one at a time).
i can’t swim longer than 2km anymore either. This, coming from the guy who started COVID with a 15km swim back in Mar-2020. My mind just doesn‘t. It’s not the body, at least I don’t think it is. I just can’t motivate myself to go on. The old ways like signing up for an event (doing NUS Splashdown in Sep 2022) doesn’t work anymore.
I meet people and they think I’m okay because the face I show externally seems to indicate I am okay. But there is a duality in that face. I am okay THEN but then i go home and I am alone. HM and Su were right; I should not be alone. And I really appreciate what they have done for me over the last two years. It didn’t seem to matter then but it sounds correct, now.
it has been like this since Sept-2021. For three months, I wasnt productive. I couldn’t do what I was supposed to do, what I set out to do. And I thought I got it back together. But now over the last one month, when i thought I had a fresh beginning, it eats me up again.
Maybe I just can’t get enough sleep. Maybe Netflix is causing me sleeplessness. I can’t get out of it no matter how I try and it just seems deeper every time I try to dig out of it. For a while, studying helps - it still does, as I finished two small modules last night on LinkedIn Learning. But I need to move on.
I find no purpose in life. What am I doing all this for? I’ve worked for the past 29 years and ended up with no home and no job and a lot of uncertainty. I try to invest my remaining money in something but it is not working out either and I get more frustrated. Maybe I have just been frustrated too long.
I could find a job if I tried but at this moment, I just don’t want to try anymore. It is this not wanting to try anymore, the giving up, the ease of giving up…
I have not slept the night and I am tired but not sleepy. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything. I need to live on but I just can’t find a reason to.
i just want to end it.