update of my life...where it stands
the one person who knew me, mary... has no clue... no one does i think
i keep looking at people... even, and especialy one of you. to see wether or not you may figure me out... understand me... and if you understand me.. it is one of the items on my list. you know that list.. you each have one.. or had one.. those things that make the ideal mate for you...
but in admitting this i am statting a few things... one.. i know, not guess... not wish for difference... but KNOW... pati and i are done... i mean i should have known this a long time ago... but i know it for sure now... i always had in my head shed come back, she wont. but in admitting that how do i feel....
calm
another thing i am statting, is that i feel a future is possible with someone, therefore i am looking for that person.... what gives me the right to damn someone to hell and pain by being with me... i mean cmon, i have issues... tho, i have always held to that if the key is found that those issues will fade away...
no matter... i will prolly reacch, fail.. and fall all over again.. but im one with that...
so to admit it to everyone... the big thing...
yep.. i am interested in someone... i am hoping for something magical to prove me wrong... but it will take time, alot of it.. and in the mean time i need to get myself out of this fucking ditch i am in...
she deserves better than what i have allowed myself to become...
she in many ways brakes alot of my rules... or i allow her to.. not sure which...
in either case i smile whenever i get mail from this person... (so that shows rule number one broken... she is online)...
and dont get me wrong for all of you who write me i smile when i get mail from anyone.. but this is a different smile.. you all know the one i mean...
my fear is this...
she reads this.. (cuz she does)... and doesnt know its her... and decides to not persue me or whatever... not realizing it is her i speak of... (god im confusing)
she does somthing that i never thought possible... and she does it this early... she makes me feel human. not as a stain on the world...
as aresulkt she scares the ever living fuck out of me... and that is fine.. i can deal with that... sides i expect everything to fail.. tho i am hoping to be wrong.. and so im not looking for flaws... faillings or anything..
i want to just get to know her... so i will bleed all over these pages giving more info about me than ever so she can read it.. and be more open in my personal letters with her.. more open than i usualy amnm with anyone
--
this reminds me...
i need to say somthing here...
i am a closed person.. no one gets in.. and when people get past my walls by one way or another... and then i get scared or that person hurts me.. i shoot my walls up and normaly bigger than they were... it is a simple thing.. i am not the kind of person to hate someone.. but also.. one can not expect me to be all buddy buddy with someone who ripped my fucking heart into ten thousand fucking pieces..
pati... i dont think it is humanly possible for me not to love you... that sucks.. but thats my torment fine... i accept that... but i also need you to know... you fucking hurt me.. and gave me false hopes.. hopes you knew were false.. and told me you were in love with me only to say that you never... realy loved me...
so you know.. it is hard for me to be friends... i want to be your freind.. and i will be your freind... but no shit my letters to you are jaded... what do you expect.. you left me.. left me for another guy.. and you can say you left me for the kids.. but if it were just for the kids.. youd be dating me.. living there and not fucking him... but you fucked him the first day you got there... only a few HOURS after you fucked me...
shit girl... you left me for him... that is reality... you left me for him because he has your kids.. and you fuck him, and you fucked me.. because of how you look at sex... and we look at sex totaly different
sex to me is a beautiful thing that i share only with someone whom i love and who wishes to be with me... and you know what. im not going to fuck anyone.. until i know for sure that they are for real and want to be with me...
i dont want a fuck friend.. i find thatr immoral and against my honor... i dont want an open relationship... i find that immoral and against my honor.. i dont want to fuck someone because i havent gotten any in a while... i find that immoral and against my honor...
i dont judge... but i am accountable to myself...
fucking is something i cherish... as such.. i shall only fuck someone i cherish...
and pati... i will never fuck you ever again.. and if you come back to st pete.. im sorry but i cant be with you..because you are not the one for me... for a long time i thought you were.. but you also presented yourself as a different person to me.. then who i discovered you to be..
i am not mad at you.. you needed me.. because i made you feel good about you... and i do not regret our relationship... i just cant rip my heart out waiting for you to be with me.. and be a person you are not..
but i dont want to know about your relationships.. i dont want to know about your sex life... i dont want to know when your jealouse of some bitch hitting on allan... i dont want to know not because i dotn care.. but because to hear it destroys me.. and i wont allow you to have that power over me anymore..
i cut because of you...
i want to die because of you..
i want to run away from everything and everyone because of you...
what you dont see is i gave you more power than anyone ever had.. and so you had the ability to destroy me more than anything ever had... and you did ...
you hurt me more than my mother... and deeper... cuz my mom was jhust a fucked up bitch who hated her son.. she had no choice that she was my mom... you chose me.. knew me.. then threw me away.. she at least was consistent and made no quams about never wanting me... she didnt hold heven in front of me.. and then take it away..
---
anyway.. back to where my life is
---
mara's boyfriend or ex or whatever the fuck he is... stole money from her.. so she now does not trust anyone and all the plans we had she walked away from as if they never existed.. she is like my sister.. in more ways that even she knows...
-
my hours at work have already been cut because buisness is slow here...
-
brenda is fighting with germ and i am being thrown in the middle of it...
-
this one idiot kid anthony, thinks he is big shit... and so he wants to fight me.. to prove himself.. all he will prove is that he has medicaid... but ive been avoiding the altercation because my fighting spurt has died down and if i start it again i will enjoy fighting.. and i dont wnat to become that person... everyone knows i can destroy him.. so there is no pride issue... i just dont give a fuck about what he wants to prove...
-
i want to rushinto a relationship with this girl i like... she makes me feel amazing... but i know if i rush i will scare her... she also doesnt live in my state.. so i am considering migrating and being homeless in her state.. but that also would scare her i think.. i just want a change of scene.. and i want her to be in view...
-
i pray every night that i will die... and when i wake i consider making my dreams come true...
--
be safe everyone.. and do not allow my mellowdramatic life fuck with your smiles
i keep looking at people... even, and especialy one of you. to see wether or not you may figure me out... understand me... and if you understand me.. it is one of the items on my list. you know that list.. you each have one.. or had one.. those things that make the ideal mate for you...
but in admitting this i am statting a few things... one.. i know, not guess... not wish for difference... but KNOW... pati and i are done... i mean i should have known this a long time ago... but i know it for sure now... i always had in my head shed come back, she wont. but in admitting that how do i feel....
calm
another thing i am statting, is that i feel a future is possible with someone, therefore i am looking for that person.... what gives me the right to damn someone to hell and pain by being with me... i mean cmon, i have issues... tho, i have always held to that if the key is found that those issues will fade away...
no matter... i will prolly reacch, fail.. and fall all over again.. but im one with that...
so to admit it to everyone... the big thing...
yep.. i am interested in someone... i am hoping for something magical to prove me wrong... but it will take time, alot of it.. and in the mean time i need to get myself out of this fucking ditch i am in...
she deserves better than what i have allowed myself to become...
she in many ways brakes alot of my rules... or i allow her to.. not sure which...
in either case i smile whenever i get mail from this person... (so that shows rule number one broken... she is online)...
and dont get me wrong for all of you who write me i smile when i get mail from anyone.. but this is a different smile.. you all know the one i mean...
my fear is this...
she reads this.. (cuz she does)... and doesnt know its her... and decides to not persue me or whatever... not realizing it is her i speak of... (god im confusing)
she does somthing that i never thought possible... and she does it this early... she makes me feel human. not as a stain on the world...
as aresulkt she scares the ever living fuck out of me... and that is fine.. i can deal with that... sides i expect everything to fail.. tho i am hoping to be wrong.. and so im not looking for flaws... faillings or anything..
i want to just get to know her... so i will bleed all over these pages giving more info about me than ever so she can read it.. and be more open in my personal letters with her.. more open than i usualy amnm with anyone
--
this reminds me...
i need to say somthing here...
i am a closed person.. no one gets in.. and when people get past my walls by one way or another... and then i get scared or that person hurts me.. i shoot my walls up and normaly bigger than they were... it is a simple thing.. i am not the kind of person to hate someone.. but also.. one can not expect me to be all buddy buddy with someone who ripped my fucking heart into ten thousand fucking pieces..
pati... i dont think it is humanly possible for me not to love you... that sucks.. but thats my torment fine... i accept that... but i also need you to know... you fucking hurt me.. and gave me false hopes.. hopes you knew were false.. and told me you were in love with me only to say that you never... realy loved me...
so you know.. it is hard for me to be friends... i want to be your freind.. and i will be your freind... but no shit my letters to you are jaded... what do you expect.. you left me.. left me for another guy.. and you can say you left me for the kids.. but if it were just for the kids.. youd be dating me.. living there and not fucking him... but you fucked him the first day you got there... only a few HOURS after you fucked me...
shit girl... you left me for him... that is reality... you left me for him because he has your kids.. and you fuck him, and you fucked me.. because of how you look at sex... and we look at sex totaly different
sex to me is a beautiful thing that i share only with someone whom i love and who wishes to be with me... and you know what. im not going to fuck anyone.. until i know for sure that they are for real and want to be with me...
i dont want a fuck friend.. i find thatr immoral and against my honor... i dont want an open relationship... i find that immoral and against my honor.. i dont want to fuck someone because i havent gotten any in a while... i find that immoral and against my honor...
i dont judge... but i am accountable to myself...
fucking is something i cherish... as such.. i shall only fuck someone i cherish...
and pati... i will never fuck you ever again.. and if you come back to st pete.. im sorry but i cant be with you..because you are not the one for me... for a long time i thought you were.. but you also presented yourself as a different person to me.. then who i discovered you to be..
i am not mad at you.. you needed me.. because i made you feel good about you... and i do not regret our relationship... i just cant rip my heart out waiting for you to be with me.. and be a person you are not..
but i dont want to know about your relationships.. i dont want to know about your sex life... i dont want to know when your jealouse of some bitch hitting on allan... i dont want to know not because i dotn care.. but because to hear it destroys me.. and i wont allow you to have that power over me anymore..
i cut because of you...
i want to die because of you..
i want to run away from everything and everyone because of you...
what you dont see is i gave you more power than anyone ever had.. and so you had the ability to destroy me more than anything ever had... and you did ...
you hurt me more than my mother... and deeper... cuz my mom was jhust a fucked up bitch who hated her son.. she had no choice that she was my mom... you chose me.. knew me.. then threw me away.. she at least was consistent and made no quams about never wanting me... she didnt hold heven in front of me.. and then take it away..
---
anyway.. back to where my life is
---
mara's boyfriend or ex or whatever the fuck he is... stole money from her.. so she now does not trust anyone and all the plans we had she walked away from as if they never existed.. she is like my sister.. in more ways that even she knows...
-
my hours at work have already been cut because buisness is slow here...
-
brenda is fighting with germ and i am being thrown in the middle of it...
-
this one idiot kid anthony, thinks he is big shit... and so he wants to fight me.. to prove himself.. all he will prove is that he has medicaid... but ive been avoiding the altercation because my fighting spurt has died down and if i start it again i will enjoy fighting.. and i dont wnat to become that person... everyone knows i can destroy him.. so there is no pride issue... i just dont give a fuck about what he wants to prove...
-
i want to rushinto a relationship with this girl i like... she makes me feel amazing... but i know if i rush i will scare her... she also doesnt live in my state.. so i am considering migrating and being homeless in her state.. but that also would scare her i think.. i just want a change of scene.. and i want her to be in view...
-
i pray every night that i will die... and when i wake i consider making my dreams come true...
--
be safe everyone.. and do not allow my mellowdramatic life fuck with your smiles