(no subject)

Sep 20, 2005 13:01

there is so much shit going on in my life. much of it feels like the world is falling around me... nothing in my life seems at balance.. and all i am doing is trying to do the right thing. why cant it simply work out...

yesterday i went to day labor.. i have not gone in a while since i started my job.. but i am awaiting my first check and needed some money... i moved cinder block from one end of the job site to the other... honestly when even i read that it does not sound hard.. but add that it was hotter than fuck.. and that i was only able to carry the blocks by hand and each weighs 50 lbs.. and i moved over 300 of them...

it was the defenition of tedium.. but oh well... work is work and i survived.. but my ankle which i had fucked up earlier... and then again... was reinjured.. so i have been limping all over st. pete.. and gary who is holding a bunch of my shit.. is refusing my calls and not answering his door even when i know he is there...

a freind of mine was shot and killed last week... he was in a small convienient store... got shot simply because he was there... i got the money together and his memorial is thursday... i think i am going.. but honestly i dont know if i can handle yet another funeral... ive been to so many in my life..

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ive noticed somthing. the more upset i get the less people wish to be near me... and the less i wish to be near them... so i push many people away.. keeping tall my boundaries.. and letting them only see a small part of me..

a friend last ngiht when i went into williams park said to me... "tim what has happened... your eyes look like you have seen somthing dark"

i find this to be an interesting contrast for only a few weeks ago another freind had said she could see the light of hope in my eyes...and that is a good description of how i feel... i am able to convince my self to have hope.. then it is shot down... rebuilt, and then shot down again.. i force myself to look like i am thinking positive, for the benefit of those around me... but in my head all i see is loss, and the continuing knowledge that none of this is worth my time... my breath... or my concentration

i wish simply to let go... to stop putting forward so much effort... to just let it the fuck go... let me go... but i cant... im tied to this hell... at least until my will to go... overpasses my ties to stay...
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