when one wishes to start over, i have learned experiencialy that simply moving ones place of residence does not work. granted there prolly is a better place forme to be than st pete, but as of right now i have no where to go, no one that wishes me to be there, and nothing to go anywhere for.
there are shadows of ideas, there are possibilities that have not realized themselves. but there is nothing foundational. for a long time i felt that the finding a foundation was somthing i would never be able to do. is earched for a new start, several of them. but i discovered, my foundation is not off in some distantt own i have yet to venture to, my foundation is beneath me, under all of the shit i have pilled on it for years..
when one wishes to go back to there foundational idealisms, simply going to the greener grass does not work. one must remove what has been poorly built through years of wrong choices, and literaly wipe the slate clean.
i therefore need to clean myself of my mistakes. i felt that the best way to do this was to die, because i clean myself, and the world of my "stain"
i do not know if what i want is to be happy, i am afraid of happiness, for hapiness fails. love lies. and i have no remaining pieces ofmy heart, it has been given away, rodbbed, and broken to many times.
i am so close to either jumping off of the bridge, or totaly changing my life. in either case. i need to make sure that i do the right thing.
i do know this. if ever i givemy heart again, if somehow it is ever rebuilt. i shall not survive another one of these.
and as far as pati ( the girl who commented) she was only the catalyst. not the whole. she was one mor ething on a pile of things that weighed the scales... please understand that. and also understand that she is doing what she feels is right, and as such i am bound to stand by her decision, even when i dissagree with and, and irregardless of its outcome.
Well whatever. Kill yourself or don't. Its your decision. Not that Im supporting it, im just saying that I can't tell you what to do. I know you won't kill yourself tho. If you really wanted to, you would have done it by now.
i have not because i have a list to finish first.. i shall never leave unfinsihed buisness.. seing my family was a part of that... i have two more items to complete.. then i will decide from that moment..
there are shadows of ideas, there are possibilities that have not realized themselves. but there is nothing foundational. for a long time i felt that the finding a foundation was somthing i would never be able to do. is earched for a new start, several of them. but i discovered, my foundation is not off in some distantt own i have yet to venture to, my foundation is beneath me, under all of the shit i have pilled on it for years..
when one wishes to go back to there foundational idealisms, simply going to the greener grass does not work. one must remove what has been poorly built through years of wrong choices, and literaly wipe the slate clean.
i therefore need to clean myself of my mistakes. i felt that the best way to do this was to die, because i clean myself, and the world of my "stain"
i do not know if what i want is to be happy, i am afraid of happiness, for hapiness fails. love lies. and i have no remaining pieces ofmy heart, it has been given away, rodbbed, and broken to many times.
i am so close to either jumping off of the bridge, or totaly changing my life. in either case. i need to make sure that i do the right thing.
i do know this. if ever i givemy heart again, if somehow it is ever rebuilt. i shall not survive another one of these.
and as far as pati ( the girl who commented) she was only the catalyst. not the whole. she was one mor ething on a pile of things that weighed the scales... please understand that. and also understand that she is doing what she feels is right, and as such i am bound to stand by her decision, even when i dissagree with and, and irregardless of its outcome.
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