the past is the only dead thing that still smells sweet
recently went through a box of old photos and am impressed with how good things were. how much i had, how healthy i was, how great life was. it inspired me to work out again, and i'm slowly getting into better shape.
of course the way it is with photos is we only document the good times, and naturally they weren't all good times. somewhere along the way, my life fell apart and i ended in shambles: a shell of a human being on the very edge of death, and full of regrets.
thankfully, life is on the upswing again. several significant people in my life have slipped over to the other side, and i find myself in a new place, at a different time, forging new relationships.
life has changed, and i am changed from what i was back in those days. that other girl was confident and secure, full of life. now i am older and more fearful, humbled by the great fall that i took, and not wanting to make the same mistakes.
today finds me in good health, doing well in a field that i enjoy, and blessed to have good relationships with my family. the relationship i have with johnny has grown tremendously but it's still very tenuous. it seems we are often on the verge of parting paths.
i'm afraid to let go, because i'm afraid that it's me. i'm afraid of being alone, and i'm afraid of not being able to make it work with anyone, ever.
another failed relationship is the last thing i want, and yet i'm failing at having more ups than downs and more good times than bad.
i wonder how much of it is my fault, and how much of it can be chalked up to fundamental incompatibilities.
i'm not sure what to do
in any case, i'm thankful. and pretty sure that life will give me the answers i am looking for in due time.
on another note, i'm also thankful for you my lj friends. you are a select few who i've been keeping up with now for over a decade, and i'm happy to see you are still here when i come back.
i love reading what you're up to
of course the way it is with photos is we only document the good times, and naturally they weren't all good times. somewhere along the way, my life fell apart and i ended in shambles: a shell of a human being on the very edge of death, and full of regrets.
thankfully, life is on the upswing again. several significant people in my life have slipped over to the other side, and i find myself in a new place, at a different time, forging new relationships.
life has changed, and i am changed from what i was back in those days. that other girl was confident and secure, full of life. now i am older and more fearful, humbled by the great fall that i took, and not wanting to make the same mistakes.
today finds me in good health, doing well in a field that i enjoy, and blessed to have good relationships with my family. the relationship i have with johnny has grown tremendously but it's still very tenuous. it seems we are often on the verge of parting paths.
i'm afraid to let go, because i'm afraid that it's me. i'm afraid of being alone, and i'm afraid of not being able to make it work with anyone, ever.
another failed relationship is the last thing i want, and yet i'm failing at having more ups than downs and more good times than bad.
i wonder how much of it is my fault, and how much of it can be chalked up to fundamental incompatibilities.
i'm not sure what to do
in any case, i'm thankful. and pretty sure that life will give me the answers i am looking for in due time.
on another note, i'm also thankful for you my lj friends. you are a select few who i've been keeping up with now for over a decade, and i'm happy to see you are still here when i come back.
i love reading what you're up to