Crazy Crossover Festival: Irresistible Forces Meet Immovable Object
These are all rather rough, mostly dialogue. And they don't start or end particularly neatly. How DO the House writers corral the man's banter? Basically, I'm just practicing this character here, playing around. Be kind.
Oh, and I really think if Bones met House, she'd hate him or at the very least be puzzled and annoyed. And he might hate her. But that would've been difficult and no fun to write. So I went with making both of them a little friendlier than normal. Seemed the thing to do.
For lyssie:
House/Laura
"I don't treat aliens," House said, frowning at her. He hoped it didn't look like he was as interested as he actually was.
She gestured with her hands in a way that he supposed she must've thought seemed presidential: "But yet here you are."
"I don't understand space alien physiology." In fact, he did, despite his general rule not to bother with medical journals.
"No? Then I'm sure you're not as well-read as your young Dr. Chase here."
Chase did that thing where he tried to hide how pleased with himself he was. It was almost as annoying as when he was actually smug.
"Leave our young Dr. Chase out of this. He's easily corrupted. Why haven't you pestered my colleagues who specialize in this thing you're calling cancer?"
She paused dramatically, then she said coolly:
"Because this thing I'm calling cancer was temporarily cured by the blood from a half-human, half-Cylon baby."
House paused, making his face flat as he seemed to consider this statement that was obviously meant to be impressive. The fact that it actually was didn't make any difference.
Finally, he said, "Are you a Cylon, Madame Space President?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Then I don't care."
"Yet here you are."
"Is there an echo in here?"
"Dr. Wilson assured me that-"
"Ah. Dr. Wilson. What you don't know, being the alien that you are, is that Dr. Wilson gets off on introducing me to ball-busting women. He finds it amusing to see them try to put me in my place, preferably underneath them."
"How could you possibly know I'm a ball-buster?"
"You crash-landed on our planet, but you still call yourself the President. And people actually treat you like you are."
Her face quirked into a small smile that almost looked like a grimace, but for the sparkle in her eyes. He liked that. A lot. Even if it worried him.
She replied, "Perhaps your Dr. Wilson knows we're the only sort of women in the universe who would ever willingly-or who even could-put ourselves in that position."
"Gratified as I am by your obvious flirtation, you don't actually count for anything. You're an alien."
She raised her eyebrows and then shocked him by tilting her head and lifting her shoulders in agreement, then he saw something actually flirtatious come over her face.
She said, "But have you ever been put in your place, so to speak, by an alien."
"No," he said, knocking his cane against the rail of the bed as he turned to leave. "And I have a feeling taking this case won't exactly put me any closer to sailing into uncharted waters."
"They aren't uncharted."
"Lord, I hope not." He was almost out the door, but he stopped and he said, "Of course, I meant a more local explorer, not some space pirate with a thing for power suits."
"Does this mean you'll take my case?"
"Are you sleeping with Dr. Wilson?"
For a moment, she looked appalled at his question. Then her face screwed up into a smile that quickly became a loud laugh.
She cleared her throat, finally, and said, "No. Why do you ask?"
"He likes to bang his patients."
She nodded, still smiling. She said, "He said you would be difficult."
"He also said you would be a pain in my ass but interesting. That's why I'm taking the case. Not that I can do a damn thing for you other than poke you and prod you and watch it get worse."
"I'm prepared for that."
"Good. Because I do enjoy poking."
As he turned around and limped away, she said to his back, "You should know, Dr. House, that your deliberate lack of tact doesn't in the least intimidate me."
"Lord, I hope not," he mumbled, going out into the hallway.
For themoononastick:
Giles/House
"So, in addition to your psychosis involving powerful delusions of a supernatural battlefield scenario in which you're apparently General MacArthur, you actually think you're smarter than me?" House said in surprise, then he snorted and rolled his eyes and launched himself down the hallway.
"No," Giles answered. "I think I know more about vampires than you do."
"It's just because you're British. Chase gives me that same look sometimes, too."
"The only people who think British people sound smart because of the accent are Americans, and I'm not American. I'm British. Incidentally, your Dr. Chase is not. He's Australian, and he does not think he's smarter than you. He looks at you like you intimidate him very much, and, aside from his being an inveterate doormat who miraculously managed to survive medical school, he cowers because he's half in love with you. Which, being American, you might not understand."
"Did you get that out of your system?"
"Yes, I believe I did."
"So is that why you looked at me like that?"
"What?"
"Are you half in love with me?"
"Wanting to shag you until you wipe that smirk off your face and wanting to follow you around like a cherubically blond Australian in need of a father figure are two entirely different things."
"Yet here you are, behind me."
"I'm older than you."
"I'm smarter than you."
"I'm about to walk into this room and reduce your patient to a pile of dust with nothing more than a piece of wood."
"Gee whiz. What if I wanted him to turn me into a creature of the night?"
"Well, according to Lisa, you're already a thing of evil with no soul."
"Did bonny Lisa also tell you I'm straight?"
"No, Dr. Wilson told me you're straight. Rather unconvincingly, I might add."
"And him totally without an accent or the need for a father figure."
"Apparently, though, he has a masochistic streak."
House put his finger to his lips and lowered his voice. "We role play prison guard and prisoner so we don't have to use such big, ugly scientific terms."
"And here I was thinking polysyllabic Latin might be the only thing that would impress you."
"Nothing impresses me, but if you want to know if big words make me hot, try saying 'ploysyllabic' again with that accent."
Giles opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, House stopped short in front of a door, tapping it with the chart in his hand. He inclined his head toward Giles and said, "We're here. So, whoever's wrong has to bottom?"
"Why don't we just say whoever's right gets to choose."
House let a grin steal over his face for a moment. "Well, now, there's crazy and then there's insane."
"Do we have a wager or not?"
"Hey, you make this pain-in-the-ass patient not my problem anymore, and I can guarantee I'll be very grateful."
"Okay, then. Stay behind me."
"No problem," he replied.
For xphile101:
House/Brennan
Angela said, "He's…"
"Difficult," Brennan said with a small nod. "But I can-"
"Brennan, he's odious."
"He's simply…forthright. Which I find refreshing."
"No, it's refreshing when you're confidently forthright, or when Zack's awkwardly forthright. When that man opens his mouth, I want to duck and cover."
"Why?"
"He's rude."
"He's not rude to me."
"Sweetie, yes he is."
"Then rudeness is obviously subjective. He seems quite charming to me. Difficult, but charming. Like a charming puzzle."
"You used the word charming three times in one sentence."
"He warrants it."
"Oh my god," she said, eyes growing wide. "He's huge, isn't he?"
"Actually, I'd say he's normal height for a man."
"I meant…" She raised her eyebrows and smirked.
"No," Brennan said with a surprised laugh. "I mean, he's not small, but he's not particularly well-endowed either."
Suddenly, both women heard a tapping at the door-House's cane preceded him into the room.
House made his way toward Brennan but he looked straight at Angela as he said, "Flattering guess, Dr. Brennan's Friend, but I do have good qualities other than the not inconsiderable size of my penis."
Angela held his gaze, and with a grin she said, "Name one."
"I also use my tongue very well."
Brennan nodded, "It's true."
"Oh, God," Angela said, grimacing and shaking her head and rising off the couch. "That's way more than I wanted to know."
"That'll teach you to assume. You know what assuming does, don't you?"
Brennan said, "Oh, I know. It makes an ass out of the both of us."
House turned to look at her and made a scrunched-up, puzzled face. Then he tried and failed to hide a smile as he turned away to retrieve her coat from the coat rack. As he helped her on with it, smoothing out the wool over her shoulders, Angela realized something surprising, although it shouldn't have been-the man was legitimately fond of Brennan.
Still, he groused at her: "You weren't even born on this planet, were you, Spock?"
Brennan smiled and said to Angela, "We watched two of the Star Trek movies over the weekend."
House said, "I've always had a thing for the Vulcan. Or was it the vulva?"
Brennan frowned for a moment, then she rolled her eyes.
Angela said, "I would've thought Captain Kirk was more your speed."
"That egotistical idiot?" he said. "I've never understood why Spock didn't get just as many chicks. Poor bastard."
Brennan said, "Perhaps he measures his masculinity a different way."
House shook his head, "He's a man. There is only one way."
"Biologically, perhaps, although the theoretical difference in human and Vulcan physiology might make-"
House stopped her mouth with a quick but substantial kiss.
He said, "You ready to get out of here?"
"Sure," she replied, but then she looked over and saw that Angela was staring confusedly at them. "What?"
"What was that?"
"A signal."
"A signal?"
"For when to shut up."
House wagged his finger at Angela and said, "Now, before you say that's not fair, it goes both ways."
"Then I'm guessing you two don't spend a lot of time talking."
House let out an amused sigh of air. "More than you'd think. It's just…frequently interrupted."
"Good interruptions," Brennan said.
House began to pull her toward the door, "Say goodnight, Gracie."
"Goodnight, Angela," Brennan said, raising her eyebrows at her before floating out the door.
Oh, and I really think if Bones met House, she'd hate him or at the very least be puzzled and annoyed. And he might hate her. But that would've been difficult and no fun to write. So I went with making both of them a little friendlier than normal. Seemed the thing to do.
For lyssie:
House/Laura
"I don't treat aliens," House said, frowning at her. He hoped it didn't look like he was as interested as he actually was.
She gestured with her hands in a way that he supposed she must've thought seemed presidential: "But yet here you are."
"I don't understand space alien physiology." In fact, he did, despite his general rule not to bother with medical journals.
"No? Then I'm sure you're not as well-read as your young Dr. Chase here."
Chase did that thing where he tried to hide how pleased with himself he was. It was almost as annoying as when he was actually smug.
"Leave our young Dr. Chase out of this. He's easily corrupted. Why haven't you pestered my colleagues who specialize in this thing you're calling cancer?"
She paused dramatically, then she said coolly:
"Because this thing I'm calling cancer was temporarily cured by the blood from a half-human, half-Cylon baby."
House paused, making his face flat as he seemed to consider this statement that was obviously meant to be impressive. The fact that it actually was didn't make any difference.
Finally, he said, "Are you a Cylon, Madame Space President?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Then I don't care."
"Yet here you are."
"Is there an echo in here?"
"Dr. Wilson assured me that-"
"Ah. Dr. Wilson. What you don't know, being the alien that you are, is that Dr. Wilson gets off on introducing me to ball-busting women. He finds it amusing to see them try to put me in my place, preferably underneath them."
"How could you possibly know I'm a ball-buster?"
"You crash-landed on our planet, but you still call yourself the President. And people actually treat you like you are."
Her face quirked into a small smile that almost looked like a grimace, but for the sparkle in her eyes. He liked that. A lot. Even if it worried him.
She replied, "Perhaps your Dr. Wilson knows we're the only sort of women in the universe who would ever willingly-or who even could-put ourselves in that position."
"Gratified as I am by your obvious flirtation, you don't actually count for anything. You're an alien."
She raised her eyebrows and then shocked him by tilting her head and lifting her shoulders in agreement, then he saw something actually flirtatious come over her face.
She said, "But have you ever been put in your place, so to speak, by an alien."
"No," he said, knocking his cane against the rail of the bed as he turned to leave. "And I have a feeling taking this case won't exactly put me any closer to sailing into uncharted waters."
"They aren't uncharted."
"Lord, I hope not." He was almost out the door, but he stopped and he said, "Of course, I meant a more local explorer, not some space pirate with a thing for power suits."
"Does this mean you'll take my case?"
"Are you sleeping with Dr. Wilson?"
For a moment, she looked appalled at his question. Then her face screwed up into a smile that quickly became a loud laugh.
She cleared her throat, finally, and said, "No. Why do you ask?"
"He likes to bang his patients."
She nodded, still smiling. She said, "He said you would be difficult."
"He also said you would be a pain in my ass but interesting. That's why I'm taking the case. Not that I can do a damn thing for you other than poke you and prod you and watch it get worse."
"I'm prepared for that."
"Good. Because I do enjoy poking."
As he turned around and limped away, she said to his back, "You should know, Dr. House, that your deliberate lack of tact doesn't in the least intimidate me."
"Lord, I hope not," he mumbled, going out into the hallway.
For themoononastick:
Giles/House
"So, in addition to your psychosis involving powerful delusions of a supernatural battlefield scenario in which you're apparently General MacArthur, you actually think you're smarter than me?" House said in surprise, then he snorted and rolled his eyes and launched himself down the hallway.
"No," Giles answered. "I think I know more about vampires than you do."
"It's just because you're British. Chase gives me that same look sometimes, too."
"The only people who think British people sound smart because of the accent are Americans, and I'm not American. I'm British. Incidentally, your Dr. Chase is not. He's Australian, and he does not think he's smarter than you. He looks at you like you intimidate him very much, and, aside from his being an inveterate doormat who miraculously managed to survive medical school, he cowers because he's half in love with you. Which, being American, you might not understand."
"Did you get that out of your system?"
"Yes, I believe I did."
"So is that why you looked at me like that?"
"What?"
"Are you half in love with me?"
"Wanting to shag you until you wipe that smirk off your face and wanting to follow you around like a cherubically blond Australian in need of a father figure are two entirely different things."
"Yet here you are, behind me."
"I'm older than you."
"I'm smarter than you."
"I'm about to walk into this room and reduce your patient to a pile of dust with nothing more than a piece of wood."
"Gee whiz. What if I wanted him to turn me into a creature of the night?"
"Well, according to Lisa, you're already a thing of evil with no soul."
"Did bonny Lisa also tell you I'm straight?"
"No, Dr. Wilson told me you're straight. Rather unconvincingly, I might add."
"And him totally without an accent or the need for a father figure."
"Apparently, though, he has a masochistic streak."
House put his finger to his lips and lowered his voice. "We role play prison guard and prisoner so we don't have to use such big, ugly scientific terms."
"And here I was thinking polysyllabic Latin might be the only thing that would impress you."
"Nothing impresses me, but if you want to know if big words make me hot, try saying 'ploysyllabic' again with that accent."
Giles opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, House stopped short in front of a door, tapping it with the chart in his hand. He inclined his head toward Giles and said, "We're here. So, whoever's wrong has to bottom?"
"Why don't we just say whoever's right gets to choose."
House let a grin steal over his face for a moment. "Well, now, there's crazy and then there's insane."
"Do we have a wager or not?"
"Hey, you make this pain-in-the-ass patient not my problem anymore, and I can guarantee I'll be very grateful."
"Okay, then. Stay behind me."
"No problem," he replied.
For xphile101:
House/Brennan
Angela said, "He's…"
"Difficult," Brennan said with a small nod. "But I can-"
"Brennan, he's odious."
"He's simply…forthright. Which I find refreshing."
"No, it's refreshing when you're confidently forthright, or when Zack's awkwardly forthright. When that man opens his mouth, I want to duck and cover."
"Why?"
"He's rude."
"He's not rude to me."
"Sweetie, yes he is."
"Then rudeness is obviously subjective. He seems quite charming to me. Difficult, but charming. Like a charming puzzle."
"You used the word charming three times in one sentence."
"He warrants it."
"Oh my god," she said, eyes growing wide. "He's huge, isn't he?"
"Actually, I'd say he's normal height for a man."
"I meant…" She raised her eyebrows and smirked.
"No," Brennan said with a surprised laugh. "I mean, he's not small, but he's not particularly well-endowed either."
Suddenly, both women heard a tapping at the door-House's cane preceded him into the room.
House made his way toward Brennan but he looked straight at Angela as he said, "Flattering guess, Dr. Brennan's Friend, but I do have good qualities other than the not inconsiderable size of my penis."
Angela held his gaze, and with a grin she said, "Name one."
"I also use my tongue very well."
Brennan nodded, "It's true."
"Oh, God," Angela said, grimacing and shaking her head and rising off the couch. "That's way more than I wanted to know."
"That'll teach you to assume. You know what assuming does, don't you?"
Brennan said, "Oh, I know. It makes an ass out of the both of us."
House turned to look at her and made a scrunched-up, puzzled face. Then he tried and failed to hide a smile as he turned away to retrieve her coat from the coat rack. As he helped her on with it, smoothing out the wool over her shoulders, Angela realized something surprising, although it shouldn't have been-the man was legitimately fond of Brennan.
Still, he groused at her: "You weren't even born on this planet, were you, Spock?"
Brennan smiled and said to Angela, "We watched two of the Star Trek movies over the weekend."
House said, "I've always had a thing for the Vulcan. Or was it the vulva?"
Brennan frowned for a moment, then she rolled her eyes.
Angela said, "I would've thought Captain Kirk was more your speed."
"That egotistical idiot?" he said. "I've never understood why Spock didn't get just as many chicks. Poor bastard."
Brennan said, "Perhaps he measures his masculinity a different way."
House shook his head, "He's a man. There is only one way."
"Biologically, perhaps, although the theoretical difference in human and Vulcan physiology might make-"
House stopped her mouth with a quick but substantial kiss.
He said, "You ready to get out of here?"
"Sure," she replied, but then she looked over and saw that Angela was staring confusedly at them. "What?"
"What was that?"
"A signal."
"A signal?"
"For when to shut up."
House wagged his finger at Angela and said, "Now, before you say that's not fair, it goes both ways."
"Then I'm guessing you two don't spend a lot of time talking."
House let out an amused sigh of air. "More than you'd think. It's just…frequently interrupted."
"Good interruptions," Brennan said.
House began to pull her toward the door, "Say goodnight, Gracie."
"Goodnight, Angela," Brennan said, raising her eyebrows at her before floating out the door.