Further explanation
When you begin a journey of self-discovery, it seems like you always know what your goal will be at the end of that journey. I thought that my goal, when I began my journey not that long ago, would be to find myself and find what I wanted in my life.
I know now that those were things I was looking for, but not what my journey was about. My journey is not about my destination, but how I will arrive there, whom I will encounter on the way and the lessons that I will learn before I arrive. Arrival, really, is secondary.
I wanted to be free. I wanted to feel like I was living for myself. I wanted happiness and fulfillment, stability and responsibility. Honesty and openness, discussion and compromise.
I have nearly all of those now. The ones that I am lacking will come in time - sooner, rather than later, I hope. (A job right now would quite fulfill any lack which I have incurred! hint hint!)
I feel, for the first time ever, I really do know who I am.
I am, and have always been, a late bloomer. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Some would argue my intelligence and wisdom are far ahead of their time but in respect to myself, they are just now catching up. In respect to others, they may be. But it's always easier to see others clearer than yourself.
In the past several months, I have been through some of the most tumultuous times in my life. From the realization that I truly have no desire for a family or children, that I am a selfish and manipulative bitch, to the final epiphany of who I am, it's been one hell of a ride.
I know that I've hurt some people along the way and I truly do apologize. However, this is for me and will remain about me. I've never been this selfish before and certainly never intended for some things to go the way that they did, especially those that got out of hand and, due to some learned inclinations, became more than they ever should have been. I don't feel any guilt because guilt is the chain that kept me caught in my life before. I feel regret.
I love who I am becoming and I can only feel love and happiness for myself. I know exactly what I want. I know who I want to be and I know where I want to go.
I am at peace with myself.... for now.
On that journey of self-discovery, the most insignificant thing can often cause the most trauma. Just a simple word said in jest can cause enough pain to make you want to stop the car and just get out and walk back to where you came from.
Being able to be honest with yourself and others to admit that some things hurt you is not weakness, it is a strength. Stepping on the gas pedal and pushing forward, even though you feel you might just crash if you keep going takes a lot of courage.
This morning, I had a conversation with myself. What was it I was looking for all my life and I never could find? Who were these people I kept encountering, that would flash into my life and out again, as soon as I got uncomfortable? Why were things that I always believed to be the universal truths about myself the things that seemed to be keeping me in such an unhappy place? Why did I ever let anyone gain so much power over myself?
The only answer I could give myself, that made any sense, and answered all of the questions was fear. Afraid of who I could be, afraid of finding out the truth, though I claimed to so desperately want it. Fear of the unknown and fear of taking responsibility, of acknowledging my faults and fear of accepting myself.
I've spent my life embroiled in self-hate. I've never been comfortable with myself, though to others, I've always seemed to be. I'm not sure how I've done it but my mask is masterful, to say the least. The people whom you think are the most together and well-adjusted are often, it appears, to be the ones who aren't.
Just taking the past couple of months into account, and discovering the sort of impressions that I've left, all unintentionally, really surprises me. I wonder what would happen if I actually set out with a plan and intentions, instead of muddling about as I have done.
Once you love yourself and accept who you are, what is left to live for?
The answer is everything - because anything less is just a lie.
I know now that those were things I was looking for, but not what my journey was about. My journey is not about my destination, but how I will arrive there, whom I will encounter on the way and the lessons that I will learn before I arrive. Arrival, really, is secondary.
I wanted to be free. I wanted to feel like I was living for myself. I wanted happiness and fulfillment, stability and responsibility. Honesty and openness, discussion and compromise.
I have nearly all of those now. The ones that I am lacking will come in time - sooner, rather than later, I hope. (A job right now would quite fulfill any lack which I have incurred! hint hint!)
I feel, for the first time ever, I really do know who I am.
I am, and have always been, a late bloomer. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Some would argue my intelligence and wisdom are far ahead of their time but in respect to myself, they are just now catching up. In respect to others, they may be. But it's always easier to see others clearer than yourself.
In the past several months, I have been through some of the most tumultuous times in my life. From the realization that I truly have no desire for a family or children, that I am a selfish and manipulative bitch, to the final epiphany of who I am, it's been one hell of a ride.
I know that I've hurt some people along the way and I truly do apologize. However, this is for me and will remain about me. I've never been this selfish before and certainly never intended for some things to go the way that they did, especially those that got out of hand and, due to some learned inclinations, became more than they ever should have been. I don't feel any guilt because guilt is the chain that kept me caught in my life before. I feel regret.
I love who I am becoming and I can only feel love and happiness for myself. I know exactly what I want. I know who I want to be and I know where I want to go.
I am at peace with myself.... for now.
On that journey of self-discovery, the most insignificant thing can often cause the most trauma. Just a simple word said in jest can cause enough pain to make you want to stop the car and just get out and walk back to where you came from.
Being able to be honest with yourself and others to admit that some things hurt you is not weakness, it is a strength. Stepping on the gas pedal and pushing forward, even though you feel you might just crash if you keep going takes a lot of courage.
This morning, I had a conversation with myself. What was it I was looking for all my life and I never could find? Who were these people I kept encountering, that would flash into my life and out again, as soon as I got uncomfortable? Why were things that I always believed to be the universal truths about myself the things that seemed to be keeping me in such an unhappy place? Why did I ever let anyone gain so much power over myself?
The only answer I could give myself, that made any sense, and answered all of the questions was fear. Afraid of who I could be, afraid of finding out the truth, though I claimed to so desperately want it. Fear of the unknown and fear of taking responsibility, of acknowledging my faults and fear of accepting myself.
I've spent my life embroiled in self-hate. I've never been comfortable with myself, though to others, I've always seemed to be. I'm not sure how I've done it but my mask is masterful, to say the least. The people whom you think are the most together and well-adjusted are often, it appears, to be the ones who aren't.
Just taking the past couple of months into account, and discovering the sort of impressions that I've left, all unintentionally, really surprises me. I wonder what would happen if I actually set out with a plan and intentions, instead of muddling about as I have done.
Once you love yourself and accept who you are, what is left to live for?
The answer is everything - because anything less is just a lie.