The winter
This is just getting to be too hard. I don't know if I'm going to make it another year. I am tired of living. I'm tired of renal failure. I'm tired of red tape. I'm tired of being destroyed. I'm tired of being alone. And most of all I'm tired of hurting. I haven't felt this strongly about ending my life since I was 13 years old. I feel I have no purpose. No way to progress. I'm in end game territory. This is not the first instance of this thinking. It's been all year. I should have probably died 15 years ago. My poetic side wants to wait until March 5th 2015, which would be the 15th anniversary of my original death. I am not sure I want to wait that long. Or that I can wait that long. Or will all of this pass once spring is here. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do. All I know is I want something different and I want to stop waiting for it. Be it a new lease in this life or be it death. I don't know for sure if we start all over again or if we fade into the ether. At this point, it doesn't really matter to me as long as it isn't any more of this.