Confused Conundrum from an Epiphentic Moment
Recap of the moment:
Being near death-sick can be both epiphanetic AND sucky beyond existence.
Regardless of life's 'anything', Holidays ALWAYS make me miss Chris and his family.
Being out of work this long makes one feel truly incompetent and disabled...even if you have been near-death for 3 weeks.
Casual intimate relationships with people (1 person regularly for the past 7 weeks) who is seemingly alcoholic and needy (and conveniently forgetful of either the nicest or rudest things they say) aren't as fun and interesting as they might seem to be (around, having serious talks with) on the surface, despite a million orgasms a week from someone you are extremely physically attracted to. Go fig? LOL
People being pissed off at you and your suddenly not caring about that when you have always cared too much is weird as fuck. Weirder to very much care about them, but not the petty-seeming issues that made you feel guilty before. You don't know if it's some byproduct of depression or a...a...a... byproduct of the epiphany telling you to grow up and create your own happiness.
That's about it. Nothing new in the way of job related bullshit, but luckily that hasn't kept me from living...despite having a shitload of really bad luck for almost a month...from bruising the fuck out of my knee (to the bone or whatever) to losing charge in my truck and getting stranded to being super-sick to having an interviewer actually call you back and say they changed their mind on giving you the second interview they scheduled...lots of life crap that I guess is normal that sometimes feels overwhelming when the 'fill-line' on the measuring cup of my guilt-cake mixer is pretty much overfilled with one thing: JOB. MONEY. TRAPPED.
Whatever. Doom. ADD. Sick of filling out applications. Can't they read my fuckin resume', same info listed there!? Geesh. Blah. Good news is that I have mostly stopped smoking...from two seperate, but similar sources: brokedom AND being deathly ill. I have the odd one on a drinking night...or 3, but not 20! and I have the odd half a one when someone says something that irks my sensitivity in such a way that I would like to have serious confrontation, but decide to bite my tongue...
But to give you a concept of how much I've cut down, I was smoking a half a pack on a bad day. Basically a pack every two and a half days either way up. Now, the same pack that I had left from Rob's party on the 2nd was just finished yesterday! And that's only b/c I had 4 of them while drinking and a half after Brian pissed me off...so, bad day yesterday or not, a pack lasted me 2.5 weeks!!! So, I can do it. I'm going to do it. Fuck who's in my way. If Brian or anyone else causes me to want to smoke very often, I'm done...I don't want to do it...and so maybe I just need to avoid the things that make me want to do it...until I somehow cultivate that coping mechanism that the incarnates keep trying to teach me...or WHATEVER.
Being near death-sick can be both epiphanetic AND sucky beyond existence.
Regardless of life's 'anything', Holidays ALWAYS make me miss Chris and his family.
Being out of work this long makes one feel truly incompetent and disabled...even if you have been near-death for 3 weeks.
Casual intimate relationships with people (1 person regularly for the past 7 weeks) who is seemingly alcoholic and needy (and conveniently forgetful of either the nicest or rudest things they say) aren't as fun and interesting as they might seem to be (around, having serious talks with) on the surface, despite a million orgasms a week from someone you are extremely physically attracted to. Go fig? LOL
People being pissed off at you and your suddenly not caring about that when you have always cared too much is weird as fuck. Weirder to very much care about them, but not the petty-seeming issues that made you feel guilty before. You don't know if it's some byproduct of depression or a...a...a... byproduct of the epiphany telling you to grow up and create your own happiness.
That's about it. Nothing new in the way of job related bullshit, but luckily that hasn't kept me from living...despite having a shitload of really bad luck for almost a month...from bruising the fuck out of my knee (to the bone or whatever) to losing charge in my truck and getting stranded to being super-sick to having an interviewer actually call you back and say they changed their mind on giving you the second interview they scheduled...lots of life crap that I guess is normal that sometimes feels overwhelming when the 'fill-line' on the measuring cup of my guilt-cake mixer is pretty much overfilled with one thing: JOB. MONEY. TRAPPED.
Whatever. Doom. ADD. Sick of filling out applications. Can't they read my fuckin resume', same info listed there!? Geesh. Blah. Good news is that I have mostly stopped smoking...from two seperate, but similar sources: brokedom AND being deathly ill. I have the odd one on a drinking night...or 3, but not 20! and I have the odd half a one when someone says something that irks my sensitivity in such a way that I would like to have serious confrontation, but decide to bite my tongue...
But to give you a concept of how much I've cut down, I was smoking a half a pack on a bad day. Basically a pack every two and a half days either way up. Now, the same pack that I had left from Rob's party on the 2nd was just finished yesterday! And that's only b/c I had 4 of them while drinking and a half after Brian pissed me off...so, bad day yesterday or not, a pack lasted me 2.5 weeks!!! So, I can do it. I'm going to do it. Fuck who's in my way. If Brian or anyone else causes me to want to smoke very often, I'm done...I don't want to do it...and so maybe I just need to avoid the things that make me want to do it...until I somehow cultivate that coping mechanism that the incarnates keep trying to teach me...or WHATEVER.