(no subject)
Binge eating.
Chain smoking.
Singing to myself.
Needing to cry.
Can't find the tears.
Needing to run from myself.
Nowhere to turn.
Feeling empty.
Loss for words.
Loss of strength.
Wondering why.
This frustration is far more than sexual.
Hating life because I turned it into what it has become.
Missing more than family.
Missing myself.
Where have I gone?
Note: It could be the lack of lexapro. It could be the sexual tension that I have no desire to fix, yet every need to extinguish. It could be the pain that my heart still feels. It could be that I am getting sick. My lungs have been burning. It could be a multitude of things, but I have no strength. I don't want to be HERE anymore and I wonder if that means more than "here" in my job, "here" in Indiana, "here" in this mental state, "here" in this body I am more than ashamed of, or "here" in this lackluster life.
I was meant to do more than I am living up to. I am ashamed of this. I was meant to be more than I can muster. I am embarrassed of this. I have it in my power to "fx" nearly everything that feels so wrong with me. I can't find access to THAT STRENGTH.
I used to be one of the most situationally graceful people I knew. I used to have the balls to take life by them. I used to be a lot of things. Maybe it's becaus memorial day is comming up...and then his birthday..and my own...and I am feeling disdain for the distance that I have put between myself and everyone who once cared for me.
I always say I have no regrets from this. I always say that I know why it happened. I always say that love is the biggest risk anyone can take...and that having felt it once before makes me long for it more than EVER. I miss anyone's love, not just his. I miss anyone's touch, not just his. It has nothing to do with him really.
It has everything to do with missing love. Missing a reason to feel strong anymore. Missing a reason to fight for what I want. I can see so much in him that I never wanted...and learned from him that I will NEED in the next person...if there ever is one.
The weird thing? I was sleeping peacefully, woke up in a cold sweat, tears streamed down my face. And since then...pain. Pain in my heart. Pain in my ass. Feeling lost and lonlier than before. Feeling like I want and need to be back in Michigan...but not only do not have the financial resources to make that happen, but the emotional ones. As long as I am here, I haven't given up on myself, the life I was supposed to have had here, the love that was supposed to last my lifetime...
Honestly, this doesn't have to do with Chris personally. I know what's wrong with what was with us. It was my friggin idea for cripes sake! I miss having at least what I had. Is that so hard to understand? I have no one here. No friends that will come over at 1 am and just give you a hug because they know you're hiding something deep inside. No one to put you on that pedastal that you never earned. God, I had some amazing friends that I left in the dusk. And for what?
Right now, this Saving Jane song hits me very close to home:
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be
I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory
I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
/song
Thought that I could change myself. More hard to believe was that I thought I could change him too. I thought we could grow together instead of even farther apart than the miles that used to keep us wondering "what if." Some people should really think twice about EVER letting a friend that you care sooooo very deeply for ever become more than friends...because one day you may be begging the world for what you had before you thought there was anything more...or something. I dunno. I hate to be emo. I hate to feel this way. I am probably getting sick, or dare I say, my period....but I hate this life that I am not living and it does go back to what I feel that's missing.
Missing an education.
Missing a family life.
Missing a career.
Missing myself.
Like I said, I HATE to feel and sound and dwell in this emo-land I live in. I just don't know how to get out. I don't wanna meet anyone new. I don't wanna find a different job HERE. I just want someone to take me to that feeling again...feeling like you're home because you have a hold on what your heart desires and you are getting after it after all.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Chain smoking.
Singing to myself.
Needing to cry.
Can't find the tears.
Needing to run from myself.
Nowhere to turn.
Feeling empty.
Loss for words.
Loss of strength.
Wondering why.
This frustration is far more than sexual.
Hating life because I turned it into what it has become.
Missing more than family.
Missing myself.
Where have I gone?
Note: It could be the lack of lexapro. It could be the sexual tension that I have no desire to fix, yet every need to extinguish. It could be the pain that my heart still feels. It could be that I am getting sick. My lungs have been burning. It could be a multitude of things, but I have no strength. I don't want to be HERE anymore and I wonder if that means more than "here" in my job, "here" in Indiana, "here" in this mental state, "here" in this body I am more than ashamed of, or "here" in this lackluster life.
I was meant to do more than I am living up to. I am ashamed of this. I was meant to be more than I can muster. I am embarrassed of this. I have it in my power to "fx" nearly everything that feels so wrong with me. I can't find access to THAT STRENGTH.
I used to be one of the most situationally graceful people I knew. I used to have the balls to take life by them. I used to be a lot of things. Maybe it's becaus memorial day is comming up...and then his birthday..and my own...and I am feeling disdain for the distance that I have put between myself and everyone who once cared for me.
I always say I have no regrets from this. I always say that I know why it happened. I always say that love is the biggest risk anyone can take...and that having felt it once before makes me long for it more than EVER. I miss anyone's love, not just his. I miss anyone's touch, not just his. It has nothing to do with him really.
It has everything to do with missing love. Missing a reason to feel strong anymore. Missing a reason to fight for what I want. I can see so much in him that I never wanted...and learned from him that I will NEED in the next person...if there ever is one.
The weird thing? I was sleeping peacefully, woke up in a cold sweat, tears streamed down my face. And since then...pain. Pain in my heart. Pain in my ass. Feeling lost and lonlier than before. Feeling like I want and need to be back in Michigan...but not only do not have the financial resources to make that happen, but the emotional ones. As long as I am here, I haven't given up on myself, the life I was supposed to have had here, the love that was supposed to last my lifetime...
Honestly, this doesn't have to do with Chris personally. I know what's wrong with what was with us. It was my friggin idea for cripes sake! I miss having at least what I had. Is that so hard to understand? I have no one here. No friends that will come over at 1 am and just give you a hug because they know you're hiding something deep inside. No one to put you on that pedastal that you never earned. God, I had some amazing friends that I left in the dusk. And for what?
Right now, this Saving Jane song hits me very close to home:
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be
I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory
I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
/song
Thought that I could change myself. More hard to believe was that I thought I could change him too. I thought we could grow together instead of even farther apart than the miles that used to keep us wondering "what if." Some people should really think twice about EVER letting a friend that you care sooooo very deeply for ever become more than friends...because one day you may be begging the world for what you had before you thought there was anything more...or something. I dunno. I hate to be emo. I hate to feel this way. I am probably getting sick, or dare I say, my period....but I hate this life that I am not living and it does go back to what I feel that's missing.
Missing an education.
Missing a family life.
Missing a career.
Missing myself.
Like I said, I HATE to feel and sound and dwell in this emo-land I live in. I just don't know how to get out. I don't wanna meet anyone new. I don't wanna find a different job HERE. I just want someone to take me to that feeling again...feeling like you're home because you have a hold on what your heart desires and you are getting after it after all.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!