Epic!Emo!Crack!Fic
Title: Domino Effect; aka Why Kangteuk is the Only Thing Keeping This World From Falling Apart
Authoresses: cynicalxcharm and shieldkitten.
Rating: R
A/N: So. This is absolutely the most random nonsense ever written. And it took about 4 hours, between the two of us. Nothing is meant to offend, honestly. Except maybe the bits about Heechul and Kibum, because we all know how I feel about them. This was written purely to satisfy my craving for emo fic with character death. But unfortunately, it ended up funny instead of sad. Because nothing serious can come of a collaboration between shieldkitten and I.
Heechul walked into Eeteuk's room to borrow Eeteuk's Magical Soft Skin Lotion and caught Eeteuk kissing his sister.
"Eew," Heechul said. "Het is gross."
"Don't tell Kangin," Eeteuk begged. "He won't take it well. Remember last time?"
"Yeah, we don't need that again," Heechul rolled his eyes. "It took weeks to bend the spoons back straight."
But Kangin's Eeteuk-is-having-sex-without-me-senses were tingling, and he barged into Eeteuk's bedroom without knocking, all bluster and brute strength.
"Hyung!" he yelled, traumatised. "Who is that slut?"
"Hey!" Heejin protested. "Heechul! He just called me a slut!"
"So?" Heechul drawled, applying lotion to his nose.
"So make him apologise!"
"Hey, fatty," Heechul nodded toward the door. "People are trying to have sex here. Haven't you ever heard of cock-blocking? 'Cause you're doing it."
"I'm not fat!" Kangin protested, face reddening. He took a step toward Heechul. "And you're still here, too!"
Eeteuk and Heejin took this opportunity to escape out the bedroom door to find a more quiet place to carry on their... erm... business.
"Well, I was merely helping," Heechul explained, setting down the lotion and running a hand through his hair. "I mean, people get turned on just from me being in the room. You, on the other hand..." Heechul trailed off, stepping toward to window to glance at his reflection.
"Finish that sentence! I dare you!" Kanging growled, moving in and looming over the older man, who had pushed aside the curtains to wave majestically to the crowd of girls huddled below the window. The girls promptly broke into angry chants and responded to Heechul with rather crude hang gestures.
"Your mere presence is enough to drown any sort of sexual feelings. Why do you think Eunhyuk stopped letting you watch porn with him?" Heechul turned back to Kangin with a vicious smirk.
"You-- just--- argh!!!" Kangin grabbed the collar of Heechul's shirt and, as if in slow motion, Heechul was soaring through the air, straight through the glass and down, down onto the crowd of excited anti-fans.
A hushed silence fell over the crowd so they could better appreciate the loud 'splat' Heechul made when he landed face-first on the cement. Blood splattered over the anti-fans in the first row, over their signboards, viscous liquid dripping onto their stylish high-top converses. The anti-fans stared at their signboards, speechless in awe, because they had written angry signs calling for blood, and blood had come. Poetic justice! It was a sign, from God or some other deity - the time had come to rid the world of all the celebrities they truly hated.
--
Henry looked out over the carnage and pulled himself from Ryeowook's embrace.
"Right," he said, "that's it. I'm going back to sane country, aka Canada."
Ryeowook's mind tried to process Henry's sudden announcement, but it was interrupted by a sudden loud thud against the wall between his and Eunhyuk's bedrooms.
"What was that?" he asked, turning wide eyes on Henry.
"Someone else's problem," Henry said, throwing things into his suitcase.
--
It was Eunhyuk's problem, and Donghae's problem as well, but mostly Eunhyuk's problem, because Donghae had slammed him against the wall.
"How could you?" Donghae yelled. "With Sungmin! Our friend!"
"I was lonely!" Eunhyuk cried, trying to wriggle out of Donghae's crushing grip. "You were in China all the time, and I have needs that even porn cannot fulfill."
"Then I will have to remind you that you also have needs only I can fulfill," Donghae said, shoving Eunhyuk onto the bed and straddling his hips.
--
Kyuhyun stiffened as the first of Eunhyuk's moans filtered through the door, and he looked at Sungmin.
"Hyung, is it true? Did you sleep with Eunhyuk-hyung?"
"If I say yes, can we have angsty jealous sex too?" Sungmin replied, eyes wide and hopeful.
Kyuhyun just blinked at him and shook his head. He stood and left the room, leaving Sungmin pouting and mumbling about how he should just go join the other two. He turned into the hallway and stumbled into Zhou Mi.
"Oh, sorry," Zhou Mi said hesitantly, noting the blank look in Kyuhyun's eyes as the younger boy looked up at him. The lack of annoyance or false cheer threw him off, and before he even realized it, Kyuhyun was sitting on the bed in Zhou Mi's room, staring at him expectantly.
"What?" Zhou Mi asked, feeling uncomfortable. "Should I comfort you?" He reached out and patted the younger boy on the back. Kyuhyun took this opportunity to grab Zhou Mi's arm and force him down onto the bed.
"That's not how you comfort someone whose boyfriend cheated on him, you know," Kyuhyun told Zhou Mi, slowly unbuttoning the Chinese man's shirt.
"But-- oh." Understanding dawned on Zhou Mi's face, followed by confusion, and then anger. "Hey, wait a minute." Zhou Mi sat up, pushing Kyuhyun off him and holding his shirt closed.
"What is it?" Kyuhyun growled, reaching for Zhou Mi's pants before the older batted them away.
"You only come to me when it's convenient for you!" Zhou Mi cried. "And besides, you cheated on him while we were in China! So you're even!"
"Hyung, what happens in China, stays in China, remember?"
"But--!"
"Fine." Kyuhyun stood up and made to walk out the door.
"Uh... wait," Zhou Mi called after him weakly. "I guess we can still... I mean... If you need to be comforted, then..."
"Alright then," Kyuhyun said, turning and walking back over the the bed. "Stop complaining and take off your pants."
--
Kibum awoke at the sound of creaking bed springs and opened one eye, squinting at the two men on the other bed in the room. He contemplated telling them to get the fuck out, but he just couldn't be bothered. He contemplated getting out himself, but there was just no point. He contemplated jerking himself off to the rhythm of Zhou Mi's cries of pleasure, but he was just so overcome with ennui. When was the last time he had eaten? Or gotten out of bed? Everyone assumed he was off at work rather than here, just too relentlessly assaulted by boredom to do anything, ever.
With a deep sigh (which he thought was the most boring sigh ever) he turned over and went back to sleep. In a few minutes his heart, bored of completing the same task over and over again for nigh on 21 years, said 'fuck this shit' and stopped beating.
--
Shindong walked into the apartment, and immediately stepped out after being assaulted by the sounds of moaning, screaming, and crying. He just didn't need this today. He opted instead to head back to the SM building to develop some new choreography.
He stared up at the building as he arrived, noting the flames coating the exterior and people jumping out of windows (was that Boa?). After a moment, he decided this probably wasn't a good place to stay, either. He observed a piece of the building's roof crackling happily with flames, and thought to himself that it was probably going to break off and crush some unsuspecting onlooker. He drew his eyes down to an unsuspecting onlooker who happened to be standing directly under said piece of roof. He sighed and made his way over to the person who appeared to have their foot caught in a sewer grate. Shindong silently stepped over mounds of charred paper and burning flesh and reached down to remove the person's foot from the grate. He pulled them out of the way just in time for the roof to fall onto the place where the onlooker had just been standing.
The person turned around and she turned out to be a beautiful woman.
"Thank you so much! Fate must have brought us together!" she cried. Shindong didn't protest, because she really was very pretty.
"Oh, it was nothing," he replied.
"No, it was everything! Please, come with me to my secluded cottage in the country and we can be married away from anti-fans and pollution!"
"Oh, uh, I don't know..." Shindong muttered.
"I have a private chef. All you can eat, every day?" The woman persisted.
Shindong took a look around him at the chaos that must be the apocalypse, and sighed. "All right, I'm in."
And they skipped off into the sunset, carefully avoiding the land mines and rabid animals the anti-fans had strategically scattered throughout the city, and lived happily ever after.
--
Henry watched the sun setting from his window seat on the Air Canada plane and didn't notice the plumes of smoke from the city of Seoul, or the rainbows blooming all about Shindong's new home in the countryside. He was thinking about Ryeowook, about the way Ryeowook's mind had simply snapped when he had finally made it clear that he wasn't coming back. He would feel bad about it, if he wasn't so glad to be somewhere where men knew the meaning of personal space.
--
Ryeowook sat by the window of his apartment, staring blankly into space, whispering softly to himself. Yesung tugged on his hand, gazing at him with pleading eyes.
"Please, Ryeowook, look at me."
"Shhh, I'm busy, I have to learn English for Henry." Ryeowook smiled to himself, rocking back and forth.
"Henry's not coming back, Ryeowook, he's gone for good."
"No!" Ryeowook cried, turning on Yesung and slapping him hard, sending him sprawling on the floor. "He's coming back!"
"He's never coming back, Ryeowook!" Yesung yelled, clasping a hand to his stinging cheek.
"He left me?" Ryeowook whispered. "No, no, no, he can't leave me! I can't live without my Henry!"
Yesung grabbed Ryeowook by the shoulders, shaking him hard. "You still have me! I'm here! I'll never leave you!"
"I don't want you!" Ryeowook screamed, hitting Yesung again. "I want Henry!"
Yesung backed away from Ryeowook, tears streaming shamelessly from his eyes. "But... what about Yewook?" he asked, voice cracking.
"Yewook died with K.R.Y.! Everyone wants Wookry now! I want Wookry now! I want Henry now!" Ryeowook sobbed, grasping the front of Yesung shirt and shaking him. "I WANT HENRY!"
Yesung pushed Ryeowook back and bolted out the door to Eeteuk's room. He paused for a moment, seeing Kangin sitting by the window, crying silently and twisting spoons into odd shapes.
"Aw, shit, Kangin. Not again," he whined. He heard an anguished scream from Eunhyuk's room, followed by muffled shouting.
"No, Ryeowook! It wasn't our fault Henry left!"
"HE SHOULD BE DOING THIS WITH ME! YOU TWO HAVE HAD YEARS!"
"But, he-- Hey! Put those scissors down, Ryeowook!"
Yesung suddenly remembered why he was in here in the first place. Casting one last helpless glance in Kangin's direction, he opened the drawer on Eeteuk's nightstand and pulled out a medical remote control. He pressed the button several times, and waited until he heard the apartment door burst open and shouts of "Strap him down!" "Ow, he bit me!" "Go get that straight jacket, damn it!" before he came out of the room. He caught a glimpse of Ryeowook before they rolled him out on a stretcher and into that white van, the boy struggling and shouting gibberish that he was sure was supposed to be English. After the door had closed, Yesung sunk to the ground and wept for his Ryeowook, and swore to himself that someday he would spur South Korea on to engage in a nuclear war with Canada.
--
Kyuhyun scooted away under the sheets when Zhou Mi attempted to snuggle into his side. There were a number of things he could have said after what had just occurred, but he just settled for--
"Fuck," Kyuhyun swore, wondering why he was still there, when Zhou Mi's bony hips were cutting into his skin, and his bony arms were snaking themselves around Kyuhyun's waist, forcing him to shift away in discomfort.
"What, again?" Zhou Mi asked, perplexed.
Kyuhyun just looked at him. Zhou Mi had been with him long enough to take the hint, and he turned over on his side, back facing the Korean boy.
Kyuhyun slipped out of the bed and began pulling on his clothes, ignoring the hurt gaze burning into his back. He stepped out of the room without saying goodbye, earning a whimper from Zhou Mi, and returned to Sungmin's room. Sungmin scowled when Kyuhyun walked in, and turned to face away from him.
"Hey, I'm sorry," Kyuhyun spoke softly. "I shouldn't have walked out li--"
"I don't want you to be fucking sorry, okay?"
"Um... what?"
"I want you to be angry and jealous and vicious so we can have the kind of exciting sex life that Eunhyuk has! That's why I slept with him, okay? To figure out their secrets!"
Kyuhyun blinked. "So then... You don't actually have feeling for him?"
"Eunhyuk?! No way," Sungmin wrinkled his nose. "He smells. So, go on!"
"Go on and...?"
"Be angry! Throw something! Yell about how you can't believe I couldn't wait until you came back!"
"Oh, uh... How could you?! I thought I was enough to satisfy you!" Kyuhyun picked up the lamp and then set it back down again, deciding to pick up a pillow instead and chucking it at Sungmin's head. "I'm so... jealous! And angsty! And hurt!"
Sungmin smiled and pulled Kyuhyun down onto the bed, kissing him hard. 'Much better' was the last intelligible thing to come out of his mouth for the next hour.
--
Pain coiled tight in Yesung's chest, too difficult to bear. He wanted to cut it away, cut the agony from his skin so he would be left with nothing but numbness. Ryeowook didn't want him, and eventually South Korea would start a nuclear war. It was too much. He opened his bedside drawer and selected the razor blade he would use today. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in his vanity mirror, he stared at himself, at his hollow eyes, at the mascara that streaked down his cheeks, following the course of his bitter tears. He looked as pathetic, as utterly worthless as he felt. With a sob he lowered himself into the bathtub, his black shirt billowing out around him.
"Goodbye," he whispered, pressing his lips to the blade, pretending it was Ryeowook's beautiful skin he was kissing. Then he dragged the sharp edge over his wrists and watched the red seep from his deep cuts, watched as the water turned to red, watched till he felt light-headed, till the world was going dark.
"I'll never leave you, Ryeowook," he thought, as his eyes glazed over with death.
--
Hankyung gracefully dodged a stray projectile, pulling Siwon with him to a safer part of the street, where fangirls and anti-fans were currently engaging in toxic warfare. Siwon made a face at all the useless destruction, murmuring things about Jezebels and heathens. Then, at the foot of their apartment building, they came upon Heechul's remains.
"It's Heechul!" Hankyung gasped.
"Is he dead?" Siwon asked, peering at Heechul's lifeless corpse. Hankyung nudged him, and Siwon giggled, clutching his arm, and soon they were both laughing helplessly, whooping and singing 'ding-dong the bitch is dead'.
Then the hand of God reached down and smote them both.
"Hey!" Hankyung protested. "You can't smite me! I'm foreign! And atheist!"
"You mean you don't believe in God?" Siwon asked, eyes widening in disbelief. "God! Smite him harder such that he might believe!"
Hankyung glared at Siwon as he narrowly avoided a bolt of lightening. "Siwon! How could you?"
"It's for your immortal soul, hyung," Siwon said earnestly. "If you don't believe in God, you won't go to heaven, then you'll be stuck in hell with Heechul..."
"I believe, I believe!" Hankyung cried, falling to his knees.
--
In the recesses of South Korea's military defence headquarters, an alarm blared ominously.
"Sir!" a young cadet saluted the general. "Canada has launched its nuclear missiles at us, sir! They claim it is a preemptive strike!"
"What can we do?" the general tore at his thinning hair in his despair.
"There's nothing we can do, sir," a threat analyst said. "In less than twenty seconds, all of South Korea will be annihilated. The only place predicted to escape unharmed is a small patch of land in the countryside."
"Well, shit," the general said, and put his head between his legs.
--
"Did you hear something?" Shindong's beautiful wife asked, looking up from between his legs.
"No," Shindong said cheerfully.
"Sir, ma'am," their chef knocked politely on the bedroom door. "Dinner is served."
((Yeah. I know.))
Authoresses: cynicalxcharm and shieldkitten.
Rating: R
A/N: So. This is absolutely the most random nonsense ever written. And it took about 4 hours, between the two of us. Nothing is meant to offend, honestly. Except maybe the bits about Heechul and Kibum, because we all know how I feel about them. This was written purely to satisfy my craving for emo fic with character death. But unfortunately, it ended up funny instead of sad. Because nothing serious can come of a collaboration between shieldkitten and I.
Heechul walked into Eeteuk's room to borrow Eeteuk's Magical Soft Skin Lotion and caught Eeteuk kissing his sister.
"Eew," Heechul said. "Het is gross."
"Don't tell Kangin," Eeteuk begged. "He won't take it well. Remember last time?"
"Yeah, we don't need that again," Heechul rolled his eyes. "It took weeks to bend the spoons back straight."
But Kangin's Eeteuk-is-having-sex-without-me-senses were tingling, and he barged into Eeteuk's bedroom without knocking, all bluster and brute strength.
"Hyung!" he yelled, traumatised. "Who is that slut?"
"Hey!" Heejin protested. "Heechul! He just called me a slut!"
"So?" Heechul drawled, applying lotion to his nose.
"So make him apologise!"
"Hey, fatty," Heechul nodded toward the door. "People are trying to have sex here. Haven't you ever heard of cock-blocking? 'Cause you're doing it."
"I'm not fat!" Kangin protested, face reddening. He took a step toward Heechul. "And you're still here, too!"
Eeteuk and Heejin took this opportunity to escape out the bedroom door to find a more quiet place to carry on their... erm... business.
"Well, I was merely helping," Heechul explained, setting down the lotion and running a hand through his hair. "I mean, people get turned on just from me being in the room. You, on the other hand..." Heechul trailed off, stepping toward to window to glance at his reflection.
"Finish that sentence! I dare you!" Kanging growled, moving in and looming over the older man, who had pushed aside the curtains to wave majestically to the crowd of girls huddled below the window. The girls promptly broke into angry chants and responded to Heechul with rather crude hang gestures.
"Your mere presence is enough to drown any sort of sexual feelings. Why do you think Eunhyuk stopped letting you watch porn with him?" Heechul turned back to Kangin with a vicious smirk.
"You-- just--- argh!!!" Kangin grabbed the collar of Heechul's shirt and, as if in slow motion, Heechul was soaring through the air, straight through the glass and down, down onto the crowd of excited anti-fans.
A hushed silence fell over the crowd so they could better appreciate the loud 'splat' Heechul made when he landed face-first on the cement. Blood splattered over the anti-fans in the first row, over their signboards, viscous liquid dripping onto their stylish high-top converses. The anti-fans stared at their signboards, speechless in awe, because they had written angry signs calling for blood, and blood had come. Poetic justice! It was a sign, from God or some other deity - the time had come to rid the world of all the celebrities they truly hated.
--
Henry looked out over the carnage and pulled himself from Ryeowook's embrace.
"Right," he said, "that's it. I'm going back to sane country, aka Canada."
Ryeowook's mind tried to process Henry's sudden announcement, but it was interrupted by a sudden loud thud against the wall between his and Eunhyuk's bedrooms.
"What was that?" he asked, turning wide eyes on Henry.
"Someone else's problem," Henry said, throwing things into his suitcase.
--
It was Eunhyuk's problem, and Donghae's problem as well, but mostly Eunhyuk's problem, because Donghae had slammed him against the wall.
"How could you?" Donghae yelled. "With Sungmin! Our friend!"
"I was lonely!" Eunhyuk cried, trying to wriggle out of Donghae's crushing grip. "You were in China all the time, and I have needs that even porn cannot fulfill."
"Then I will have to remind you that you also have needs only I can fulfill," Donghae said, shoving Eunhyuk onto the bed and straddling his hips.
--
Kyuhyun stiffened as the first of Eunhyuk's moans filtered through the door, and he looked at Sungmin.
"Hyung, is it true? Did you sleep with Eunhyuk-hyung?"
"If I say yes, can we have angsty jealous sex too?" Sungmin replied, eyes wide and hopeful.
Kyuhyun just blinked at him and shook his head. He stood and left the room, leaving Sungmin pouting and mumbling about how he should just go join the other two. He turned into the hallway and stumbled into Zhou Mi.
"Oh, sorry," Zhou Mi said hesitantly, noting the blank look in Kyuhyun's eyes as the younger boy looked up at him. The lack of annoyance or false cheer threw him off, and before he even realized it, Kyuhyun was sitting on the bed in Zhou Mi's room, staring at him expectantly.
"What?" Zhou Mi asked, feeling uncomfortable. "Should I comfort you?" He reached out and patted the younger boy on the back. Kyuhyun took this opportunity to grab Zhou Mi's arm and force him down onto the bed.
"That's not how you comfort someone whose boyfriend cheated on him, you know," Kyuhyun told Zhou Mi, slowly unbuttoning the Chinese man's shirt.
"But-- oh." Understanding dawned on Zhou Mi's face, followed by confusion, and then anger. "Hey, wait a minute." Zhou Mi sat up, pushing Kyuhyun off him and holding his shirt closed.
"What is it?" Kyuhyun growled, reaching for Zhou Mi's pants before the older batted them away.
"You only come to me when it's convenient for you!" Zhou Mi cried. "And besides, you cheated on him while we were in China! So you're even!"
"Hyung, what happens in China, stays in China, remember?"
"But--!"
"Fine." Kyuhyun stood up and made to walk out the door.
"Uh... wait," Zhou Mi called after him weakly. "I guess we can still... I mean... If you need to be comforted, then..."
"Alright then," Kyuhyun said, turning and walking back over the the bed. "Stop complaining and take off your pants."
--
Kibum awoke at the sound of creaking bed springs and opened one eye, squinting at the two men on the other bed in the room. He contemplated telling them to get the fuck out, but he just couldn't be bothered. He contemplated getting out himself, but there was just no point. He contemplated jerking himself off to the rhythm of Zhou Mi's cries of pleasure, but he was just so overcome with ennui. When was the last time he had eaten? Or gotten out of bed? Everyone assumed he was off at work rather than here, just too relentlessly assaulted by boredom to do anything, ever.
With a deep sigh (which he thought was the most boring sigh ever) he turned over and went back to sleep. In a few minutes his heart, bored of completing the same task over and over again for nigh on 21 years, said 'fuck this shit' and stopped beating.
--
Shindong walked into the apartment, and immediately stepped out after being assaulted by the sounds of moaning, screaming, and crying. He just didn't need this today. He opted instead to head back to the SM building to develop some new choreography.
He stared up at the building as he arrived, noting the flames coating the exterior and people jumping out of windows (was that Boa?). After a moment, he decided this probably wasn't a good place to stay, either. He observed a piece of the building's roof crackling happily with flames, and thought to himself that it was probably going to break off and crush some unsuspecting onlooker. He drew his eyes down to an unsuspecting onlooker who happened to be standing directly under said piece of roof. He sighed and made his way over to the person who appeared to have their foot caught in a sewer grate. Shindong silently stepped over mounds of charred paper and burning flesh and reached down to remove the person's foot from the grate. He pulled them out of the way just in time for the roof to fall onto the place where the onlooker had just been standing.
The person turned around and she turned out to be a beautiful woman.
"Thank you so much! Fate must have brought us together!" she cried. Shindong didn't protest, because she really was very pretty.
"Oh, it was nothing," he replied.
"No, it was everything! Please, come with me to my secluded cottage in the country and we can be married away from anti-fans and pollution!"
"Oh, uh, I don't know..." Shindong muttered.
"I have a private chef. All you can eat, every day?" The woman persisted.
Shindong took a look around him at the chaos that must be the apocalypse, and sighed. "All right, I'm in."
And they skipped off into the sunset, carefully avoiding the land mines and rabid animals the anti-fans had strategically scattered throughout the city, and lived happily ever after.
--
Henry watched the sun setting from his window seat on the Air Canada plane and didn't notice the plumes of smoke from the city of Seoul, or the rainbows blooming all about Shindong's new home in the countryside. He was thinking about Ryeowook, about the way Ryeowook's mind had simply snapped when he had finally made it clear that he wasn't coming back. He would feel bad about it, if he wasn't so glad to be somewhere where men knew the meaning of personal space.
--
Ryeowook sat by the window of his apartment, staring blankly into space, whispering softly to himself. Yesung tugged on his hand, gazing at him with pleading eyes.
"Please, Ryeowook, look at me."
"Shhh, I'm busy, I have to learn English for Henry." Ryeowook smiled to himself, rocking back and forth.
"Henry's not coming back, Ryeowook, he's gone for good."
"No!" Ryeowook cried, turning on Yesung and slapping him hard, sending him sprawling on the floor. "He's coming back!"
"He's never coming back, Ryeowook!" Yesung yelled, clasping a hand to his stinging cheek.
"He left me?" Ryeowook whispered. "No, no, no, he can't leave me! I can't live without my Henry!"
Yesung grabbed Ryeowook by the shoulders, shaking him hard. "You still have me! I'm here! I'll never leave you!"
"I don't want you!" Ryeowook screamed, hitting Yesung again. "I want Henry!"
Yesung backed away from Ryeowook, tears streaming shamelessly from his eyes. "But... what about Yewook?" he asked, voice cracking.
"Yewook died with K.R.Y.! Everyone wants Wookry now! I want Wookry now! I want Henry now!" Ryeowook sobbed, grasping the front of Yesung shirt and shaking him. "I WANT HENRY!"
Yesung pushed Ryeowook back and bolted out the door to Eeteuk's room. He paused for a moment, seeing Kangin sitting by the window, crying silently and twisting spoons into odd shapes.
"Aw, shit, Kangin. Not again," he whined. He heard an anguished scream from Eunhyuk's room, followed by muffled shouting.
"No, Ryeowook! It wasn't our fault Henry left!"
"HE SHOULD BE DOING THIS WITH ME! YOU TWO HAVE HAD YEARS!"
"But, he-- Hey! Put those scissors down, Ryeowook!"
Yesung suddenly remembered why he was in here in the first place. Casting one last helpless glance in Kangin's direction, he opened the drawer on Eeteuk's nightstand and pulled out a medical remote control. He pressed the button several times, and waited until he heard the apartment door burst open and shouts of "Strap him down!" "Ow, he bit me!" "Go get that straight jacket, damn it!" before he came out of the room. He caught a glimpse of Ryeowook before they rolled him out on a stretcher and into that white van, the boy struggling and shouting gibberish that he was sure was supposed to be English. After the door had closed, Yesung sunk to the ground and wept for his Ryeowook, and swore to himself that someday he would spur South Korea on to engage in a nuclear war with Canada.
--
Kyuhyun scooted away under the sheets when Zhou Mi attempted to snuggle into his side. There were a number of things he could have said after what had just occurred, but he just settled for--
"Fuck," Kyuhyun swore, wondering why he was still there, when Zhou Mi's bony hips were cutting into his skin, and his bony arms were snaking themselves around Kyuhyun's waist, forcing him to shift away in discomfort.
"What, again?" Zhou Mi asked, perplexed.
Kyuhyun just looked at him. Zhou Mi had been with him long enough to take the hint, and he turned over on his side, back facing the Korean boy.
Kyuhyun slipped out of the bed and began pulling on his clothes, ignoring the hurt gaze burning into his back. He stepped out of the room without saying goodbye, earning a whimper from Zhou Mi, and returned to Sungmin's room. Sungmin scowled when Kyuhyun walked in, and turned to face away from him.
"Hey, I'm sorry," Kyuhyun spoke softly. "I shouldn't have walked out li--"
"I don't want you to be fucking sorry, okay?"
"Um... what?"
"I want you to be angry and jealous and vicious so we can have the kind of exciting sex life that Eunhyuk has! That's why I slept with him, okay? To figure out their secrets!"
Kyuhyun blinked. "So then... You don't actually have feeling for him?"
"Eunhyuk?! No way," Sungmin wrinkled his nose. "He smells. So, go on!"
"Go on and...?"
"Be angry! Throw something! Yell about how you can't believe I couldn't wait until you came back!"
"Oh, uh... How could you?! I thought I was enough to satisfy you!" Kyuhyun picked up the lamp and then set it back down again, deciding to pick up a pillow instead and chucking it at Sungmin's head. "I'm so... jealous! And angsty! And hurt!"
Sungmin smiled and pulled Kyuhyun down onto the bed, kissing him hard. 'Much better' was the last intelligible thing to come out of his mouth for the next hour.
--
Pain coiled tight in Yesung's chest, too difficult to bear. He wanted to cut it away, cut the agony from his skin so he would be left with nothing but numbness. Ryeowook didn't want him, and eventually South Korea would start a nuclear war. It was too much. He opened his bedside drawer and selected the razor blade he would use today. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in his vanity mirror, he stared at himself, at his hollow eyes, at the mascara that streaked down his cheeks, following the course of his bitter tears. He looked as pathetic, as utterly worthless as he felt. With a sob he lowered himself into the bathtub, his black shirt billowing out around him.
"Goodbye," he whispered, pressing his lips to the blade, pretending it was Ryeowook's beautiful skin he was kissing. Then he dragged the sharp edge over his wrists and watched the red seep from his deep cuts, watched as the water turned to red, watched till he felt light-headed, till the world was going dark.
"I'll never leave you, Ryeowook," he thought, as his eyes glazed over with death.
--
Hankyung gracefully dodged a stray projectile, pulling Siwon with him to a safer part of the street, where fangirls and anti-fans were currently engaging in toxic warfare. Siwon made a face at all the useless destruction, murmuring things about Jezebels and heathens. Then, at the foot of their apartment building, they came upon Heechul's remains.
"It's Heechul!" Hankyung gasped.
"Is he dead?" Siwon asked, peering at Heechul's lifeless corpse. Hankyung nudged him, and Siwon giggled, clutching his arm, and soon they were both laughing helplessly, whooping and singing 'ding-dong the bitch is dead'.
Then the hand of God reached down and smote them both.
"Hey!" Hankyung protested. "You can't smite me! I'm foreign! And atheist!"
"You mean you don't believe in God?" Siwon asked, eyes widening in disbelief. "God! Smite him harder such that he might believe!"
Hankyung glared at Siwon as he narrowly avoided a bolt of lightening. "Siwon! How could you?"
"It's for your immortal soul, hyung," Siwon said earnestly. "If you don't believe in God, you won't go to heaven, then you'll be stuck in hell with Heechul..."
"I believe, I believe!" Hankyung cried, falling to his knees.
--
In the recesses of South Korea's military defence headquarters, an alarm blared ominously.
"Sir!" a young cadet saluted the general. "Canada has launched its nuclear missiles at us, sir! They claim it is a preemptive strike!"
"What can we do?" the general tore at his thinning hair in his despair.
"There's nothing we can do, sir," a threat analyst said. "In less than twenty seconds, all of South Korea will be annihilated. The only place predicted to escape unharmed is a small patch of land in the countryside."
"Well, shit," the general said, and put his head between his legs.
--
"Did you hear something?" Shindong's beautiful wife asked, looking up from between his legs.
"No," Shindong said cheerfully.
"Sir, ma'am," their chef knocked politely on the bedroom door. "Dinner is served."
((Yeah. I know.))