Johnny Depp needs to give me some of that $50 mil as compensation...
It's been a long time since I've done one of these, but yesterday I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and yeah. I know that one of my mottos here is that I have limited taste when it comes to things like movies or tv shows, but there were so many plotholes in this movie that I could've walked through it, no problem. Let me preface this by saying I LIKE the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise--HONESTLY. Even Part 2 and 3 I figured were tolerable (1 was perfection). But goodness...I know this was meant as a cash cow, but did you have to make it so obvious?
Good things:Because I'll start with that):
- Jack and Barbossa: Literally, this was the only thing that kept me happy. Jack was the same, swaggery, drunk, sexually ambiguous pirate that everyone knows and love. (Good thing too because clearly Disney was banking on this). He got into antics, he said funny things, he was fun to watch.
Jack and Barbossa's weird love-hate bromance, is ridiculously fun. When they were tied up together against the trees (BARBOSSA'S FACE WHEN JACK IS GOING UP THE TREE IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER TO ME) and in the ship, with Barbossa's mouthed "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING", it was fun. It was the only relationship that had the same spirit of the old movies. I didn't even care that Barbossa suddenly had a peg leg...the two of them together is hilarious. I wish they had just made the entire movie about those 2 and their bromance.
SERIOUSLY. WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THIS. THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS LIKE A TERRIBLE FANFICTION THAT THEY STOLE TO MAKE A SCRIPT.
Bad things:(Of which there are many):
- New Characters: People need to remind Disney that even though this is a cash cow, you've gotta at least TRY. The thing about sequels is when you try and establish new characters, the audience doesn't end up CARING ABOUT THEM. In movies that are original (relatively), there's an origin story, there's an event... there's SOMETHING that tells the audience to care about the character.
In Pirates 4, they hoped people would care about Angelica because she's played by Penelope Cruz. Let me tell you something, I forgot her character's name within 10 minutes of seeing the movie. That's how much I cared about her character. Yes she's a pirate that somehow is in love with Jack and has Blackbeard as a dad, but she reeks of Mary Sue that you're just like "Why are you still on screen? WHY DOES THE DIRECTOR THINK I CARE ABOUT YOU?"
It's the same thing with the Missionary and the Mermaid. I Don't care. Hell, I may have been annoyed with Will and Elizabeth in Pirates 2 and 3, but there was backstory...at least I cared about them. I didn't give a shit about the Missionary (Who by the way didn't even play up the part to the point where he had a personality. He mentioned God once, and wore a cross...okay, I guess that's it.), and the Mermaid did nothing but flop around, literally, for her entire amount of screen time.
The point is, if you have to stuff a movie full of characters that the audience could give a flying fuck about, maybe you shouldn't make this movie.
- General Awful things:
(A) EVERYONE YOU LOVED IN THE OLD MOVIES (Save for Will, Elizabeth, Jack, and Barbossa)IS DeAD. OFFSCREEN.
I know right now you're like...wait, what? YES. THEY'RE DEAD. Pintel and Ragetti (The bald dude and the guy with the wooden eye), Mr. Cotton, Mr. Cotton's Parrot, the cool Singapore pirates...ALL DEAD.
Barbossa gives them passing mention "Everyone was killed aboard the Black Pearl, they tried to get me but they got my leg". Wait, what? So...everyone died, but they get a sentence? WHAT KIND OF SEQUEL IS THIS? Well gee, thanks Mr. Scriptwriter for telling us everyone people liked from the first movie is pretty much dead, replaced with some random dude named Scum, or w/e the fuck.
(B)THERE ARE THINGS IN THE MOVIE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING SOMETHING IN THE MOVIE.
The movie was advertised as having zombies. There are literally TWO dudes, supposedly zombies, which never really used zombie powers (one guy gets stabbed and lived but that was just to establish he was a zombie). They could've just been two big dudes, it made no difference.
The adding of the "Mermaid's Tear" plot, was the absolute most shameless bit of "We need to pad this movie" I have ever seen. The fountain of youth needs a TEAR now? REALLY? Or did you want to just have a scene where you round up mermaids, and give the Missionary something to do other than just be there as the thing you point at and say "HEY LOOK THERE'S A MISSIONARY HERE."
(C) JACK IS APPARENTLY IN LOVE NOW.
Okay, yes, apparently he leaves her on the island, but wtf he feels "Stirrings" now? He has "feelings?" Putting aside that they never seem to be in love with each other (If they had said, I want to do the nasty with you even though we should technically be disease ridden and filthy, I'd buy it), the point of Jack's character is he never gets attached, and is all free from the whole feelings thing (it's how he manipulates people so well). FEELING stuff for people was what made his relationships in the first movies unique.
You never even get to feel any kind of romance between them--when they meet, they start making out. And why is she so mad at Jack taking away her virtue anyways? She figured out her dad is Blackbeard. But sleeping with JACK made her a pirate? Uh, Okay?
- You know what, Now I'm just gonna list things that made me go WTF:
- In Pirates 2 and 3, that circular map was so complicated they couldn't figure out how to use it. IT WAS SO COMPLICATED IT SHOWED THE PATH TO THE AFTERLIFE. But Gibbs can apparently memorize it while reading it in jail. Okay.
- How did the Missionary know that the mermaid's name was Serena? She never said it. She speaks English, it's not like she couldn't have said something like "Uh, no my name is Jenn."
- Does the Missionary die/get eaten by the Mermaid? I know they mention that the mermaid's kiss might let you live under the sea or w/e but wtf all you ever see is the mermaid dragging him down in semblance of the other mermaids TAKING MEN AND EATING THEM. I think he got eaten. YOU RESCUE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU DIE HORRIBLE DEATHS IS IMPLIED BY THIS SCENE.
- If nobody knew enough about mermaids to the extent they were confused she needed AIR, when she gets legs, why is everyone so chill? Mermaids can get LEGS now? Nobody gives a shit, they're just like ...kk, you can walk now.
- The Missionary (He may have a name, notice I care so little about him that I don't care to even look it up), was supposed to have been tortured by being left on the mast, for a long time, but when he takes off his shirt he's all deezed. Uh, ok.
- If Blackbeard can raise people from the dead, why does he never USE this power other than to make his 2 zombie bodyguards which didn't NEED to be zombies? All he does is use his sword to move ropes. Wow.
- If Blackbeard was so powerful, why was there no mention of him at all in Pirates 3 and 4. Pirate council doesn't have "The Most Feared Pirate Alive?"--but Elizabeth ends up Pirate King.
- WHY ARE THE SPANIARDS EVEN IN THIS MOVIE? WHY? They want to find the Fountain of Youth, for the glory of Spain, so when they get there...they...break it. Because only God can grant eternal life--wait what? The bloody Missionary was there and didn't have a problem with it, why did you guys have to show up to destroy the fountain?
I'll tell you why...it was just to get rid of Blackbeard some way. That's it...that's the only purpose the Spaniards in this movie serve.
- The Last pirate movies were about exterminating pirates. Now the KING works with Barbossa, and offers Jack a job? DOES CONTINUITY MEAN NOTHING? Nobody cares about the King's ship that was totally destroyed and all the English soldiers on it, in the LAST movie?
- Barbossa wants the Fountain of youth really bad at the end of Pirates 3. Now, he doesn't give a shit he wants to stab Blackbeard. Okay.
There are probably more things. But yes, STOP MAKING PIRATE MOVIES DISNEY. STOP. GOODNESS. I'm sure Nicolas Cage wants work, hire him to do some crappy movie so I'll have no interest in seeing it.
Good things:Because I'll start with that):
- Jack and Barbossa: Literally, this was the only thing that kept me happy. Jack was the same, swaggery, drunk, sexually ambiguous pirate that everyone knows and love. (Good thing too because clearly Disney was banking on this). He got into antics, he said funny things, he was fun to watch.
Jack and Barbossa's weird love-hate bromance, is ridiculously fun. When they were tied up together against the trees (BARBOSSA'S FACE WHEN JACK IS GOING UP THE TREE IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER TO ME) and in the ship, with Barbossa's mouthed "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING", it was fun. It was the only relationship that had the same spirit of the old movies. I didn't even care that Barbossa suddenly had a peg leg...the two of them together is hilarious. I wish they had just made the entire movie about those 2 and their bromance.
SERIOUSLY. WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THIS. THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS LIKE A TERRIBLE FANFICTION THAT THEY STOLE TO MAKE A SCRIPT.
Bad things:(Of which there are many):
- New Characters: People need to remind Disney that even though this is a cash cow, you've gotta at least TRY. The thing about sequels is when you try and establish new characters, the audience doesn't end up CARING ABOUT THEM. In movies that are original (relatively), there's an origin story, there's an event... there's SOMETHING that tells the audience to care about the character.
In Pirates 4, they hoped people would care about Angelica because she's played by Penelope Cruz. Let me tell you something, I forgot her character's name within 10 minutes of seeing the movie. That's how much I cared about her character. Yes she's a pirate that somehow is in love with Jack and has Blackbeard as a dad, but she reeks of Mary Sue that you're just like "Why are you still on screen? WHY DOES THE DIRECTOR THINK I CARE ABOUT YOU?"
It's the same thing with the Missionary and the Mermaid. I Don't care. Hell, I may have been annoyed with Will and Elizabeth in Pirates 2 and 3, but there was backstory...at least I cared about them. I didn't give a shit about the Missionary (Who by the way didn't even play up the part to the point where he had a personality. He mentioned God once, and wore a cross...okay, I guess that's it.), and the Mermaid did nothing but flop around, literally, for her entire amount of screen time.
The point is, if you have to stuff a movie full of characters that the audience could give a flying fuck about, maybe you shouldn't make this movie.
- General Awful things:
(A) EVERYONE YOU LOVED IN THE OLD MOVIES (Save for Will, Elizabeth, Jack, and Barbossa)IS DeAD. OFFSCREEN.
I know right now you're like...wait, what? YES. THEY'RE DEAD. Pintel and Ragetti (The bald dude and the guy with the wooden eye), Mr. Cotton, Mr. Cotton's Parrot, the cool Singapore pirates...ALL DEAD.
Barbossa gives them passing mention "Everyone was killed aboard the Black Pearl, they tried to get me but they got my leg". Wait, what? So...everyone died, but they get a sentence? WHAT KIND OF SEQUEL IS THIS? Well gee, thanks Mr. Scriptwriter for telling us everyone people liked from the first movie is pretty much dead, replaced with some random dude named Scum, or w/e the fuck.
(B)THERE ARE THINGS IN THE MOVIE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING SOMETHING IN THE MOVIE.
The movie was advertised as having zombies. There are literally TWO dudes, supposedly zombies, which never really used zombie powers (one guy gets stabbed and lived but that was just to establish he was a zombie). They could've just been two big dudes, it made no difference.
The adding of the "Mermaid's Tear" plot, was the absolute most shameless bit of "We need to pad this movie" I have ever seen. The fountain of youth needs a TEAR now? REALLY? Or did you want to just have a scene where you round up mermaids, and give the Missionary something to do other than just be there as the thing you point at and say "HEY LOOK THERE'S A MISSIONARY HERE."
(C) JACK IS APPARENTLY IN LOVE NOW.
Okay, yes, apparently he leaves her on the island, but wtf he feels "Stirrings" now? He has "feelings?" Putting aside that they never seem to be in love with each other (If they had said, I want to do the nasty with you even though we should technically be disease ridden and filthy, I'd buy it), the point of Jack's character is he never gets attached, and is all free from the whole feelings thing (it's how he manipulates people so well). FEELING stuff for people was what made his relationships in the first movies unique.
You never even get to feel any kind of romance between them--when they meet, they start making out. And why is she so mad at Jack taking away her virtue anyways? She figured out her dad is Blackbeard. But sleeping with JACK made her a pirate? Uh, Okay?
- You know what, Now I'm just gonna list things that made me go WTF:
- In Pirates 2 and 3, that circular map was so complicated they couldn't figure out how to use it. IT WAS SO COMPLICATED IT SHOWED THE PATH TO THE AFTERLIFE. But Gibbs can apparently memorize it while reading it in jail. Okay.
- How did the Missionary know that the mermaid's name was Serena? She never said it. She speaks English, it's not like she couldn't have said something like "Uh, no my name is Jenn."
- Does the Missionary die/get eaten by the Mermaid? I know they mention that the mermaid's kiss might let you live under the sea or w/e but wtf all you ever see is the mermaid dragging him down in semblance of the other mermaids TAKING MEN AND EATING THEM. I think he got eaten. YOU RESCUE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU DIE HORRIBLE DEATHS IS IMPLIED BY THIS SCENE.
- If nobody knew enough about mermaids to the extent they were confused she needed AIR, when she gets legs, why is everyone so chill? Mermaids can get LEGS now? Nobody gives a shit, they're just like ...kk, you can walk now.
- The Missionary (He may have a name, notice I care so little about him that I don't care to even look it up), was supposed to have been tortured by being left on the mast, for a long time, but when he takes off his shirt he's all deezed. Uh, ok.
- If Blackbeard can raise people from the dead, why does he never USE this power other than to make his 2 zombie bodyguards which didn't NEED to be zombies? All he does is use his sword to move ropes. Wow.
- If Blackbeard was so powerful, why was there no mention of him at all in Pirates 3 and 4. Pirate council doesn't have "The Most Feared Pirate Alive?"--but Elizabeth ends up Pirate King.
- WHY ARE THE SPANIARDS EVEN IN THIS MOVIE? WHY? They want to find the Fountain of Youth, for the glory of Spain, so when they get there...they...break it. Because only God can grant eternal life--wait what? The bloody Missionary was there and didn't have a problem with it, why did you guys have to show up to destroy the fountain?
I'll tell you why...it was just to get rid of Blackbeard some way. That's it...that's the only purpose the Spaniards in this movie serve.
- The Last pirate movies were about exterminating pirates. Now the KING works with Barbossa, and offers Jack a job? DOES CONTINUITY MEAN NOTHING? Nobody cares about the King's ship that was totally destroyed and all the English soldiers on it, in the LAST movie?
- Barbossa wants the Fountain of youth really bad at the end of Pirates 3. Now, he doesn't give a shit he wants to stab Blackbeard. Okay.
There are probably more things. But yes, STOP MAKING PIRATE MOVIES DISNEY. STOP. GOODNESS. I'm sure Nicolas Cage wants work, hire him to do some crappy movie so I'll have no interest in seeing it.