Lost Treasure of the Generic Archaeologist Hero B Movie
Wait, that wasn't the title....
So I watched Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon. I heard Michael Shanks and JR Bourne were in it. And I thought: A) I like JR Bourne, and B) Michael Shanks is funny enough to watch.
And guess what happened? Daniel Jackson got the girl! Almost everyone else died! Except for the Red Shirt, which was actually a bit surprising....
But I liked the beginning: the exterior set design (other than the typically fake looking Winding Cave) looked good, and the costumes seemed to be pretty good. But then they got into the plot, and people started talking and everything kind of fell apart. This was one of those movies where not only were there several original and unusual beheadings and dismemberments, the camera would follow the bit of head/body as it rolled off, just so you could get a good look at it. Gee, thanks. According to the credits, this was filmed in Kamloops and Cache Creek (BC).
Let's see if I can remember the characters:
Here goes: Thain, tired and/or [insert typical misogynic sentiment] of Susan Jordon and longing for the competition and physicality inspired by Dr. Langford, decides to use his shiny new God Powers (which he just happened to acquire due to whatever Spooky Aztec Shit was going on) to reanimate JR Bourne Martouf Dr. Langford. And by 'reanimate' I don't mean Zombie Style, just your typical, run of the mill brought back to life. And then I think Secret Love Slave-ness would have to ensue.
Which is a bit odd, as I've never even considered Daniel/Marfouf. And you know that's exactly what it boils down to.
And then I thought, whoa, wouldn't it be cool if I could write?
So I watched Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon. I heard Michael Shanks and JR Bourne were in it. And I thought: A) I like JR Bourne, and B) Michael Shanks is funny enough to watch.
And guess what happened? Daniel Jackson got the girl! Almost everyone else died! Except for the Red Shirt, which was actually a bit surprising....
But I liked the beginning: the exterior set design (other than the typically fake looking Winding Cave) looked good, and the costumes seemed to be pretty good. But then they got into the plot, and people started talking and everything kind of fell apart. This was one of those movies where not only were there several original and unusual beheadings and dismemberments, the camera would follow the bit of head/body as it rolled off, just so you could get a good look at it. Gee, thanks. According to the credits, this was filmed in Kamloops and Cache Creek (BC).
Let's see if I can remember the characters:
- There's Daniel Jackson Dr. Jacob Thain, an intelligent, nerdy archaeologist who proves himself in the end. Skills include: getting the girl (that would be Susan Jordon), being cold and unfeeling, cutting out his own heart (or not), saving people, perving on ladies, carrying a parrasol, professing his undying love at inoportune moments (actually, they were in the middle of a brief action lull, so it's okay), quoting his father, speaking ancient languages, defacing temples, mule whistling, and killing large Bat Gods with rocks, his knowledge of physics and small daggers. He also wears ripped shirts. BTW, after he kills the Bat God, the Aztecs think he's their new god.
- JR Bourne as Martouf as Dr. Marco Langford (hehe, Langford... must be a South Island-only joke). He's a Sonuva Bitch. Kind of. He likes Susan. Skills include: grossing out Dr. Thain, wearing wife-beaters and suspenders, getting people's heads sliced off by being hasty, leaving people behind to die, lying (in general), speaking Spanish, shooting people with a bow and arrow, and getting shot by a dude with a bow and arrow. Oh yes, he dies. And then the rest of the group seems to forget about him. I was Not Happy.
- Shannen Doherty (should she sound familiar?) is Susan Jordon (as far as I know, no last name). Her Daddy got lost in the desert mountains so now they have to go rescue him. I know what you're thinking: if I was one of those little scientists, I would be wondering where all this 'we' business came from too. Susan Jordon's skills include: recognising the origins of dishware (other than that I'm not sure what she was there for), rallying people to her cause, sponge baths, accusing people of being cold and unfeeling (see above: Dr. Thain), and changing her mind (apparently). This Damsel chooses Thain, maybe because the other option is dead.
- Some Guy I Don't Know (Duncan Fraser) is Dr. Samuel Jordon (Susan Jordon's father, same thing with the no last name). He gets himself lost/captured by the replanted Aztec tribe. Or something. Skills include: being mean to the guy that's rescuing him, not dying (he's got a bit of a Daniel Jackson thing going on here, turns out he's Not Dead at least two times), and... that's about it. Gee, why'd they bother saving him?
- Some Girl I Don't Know (Heather Doerksen) is Dr. Hildy Wainwright. Yes, Hildy. No, I don't get it. Skills include: being more interested in treasure than saving people, snapping at people, wearing Big Hair, yelling at horses and making them fall over, finding the key to escape the Mountain Prison and then abandoning everyone, surviving falling rocks, and making friends with the natives (Yeah, I did a *raises eyebrows* too). She lives, but I think the Aztecs adopt her or something. She doesn't make it out with the rest of them.
- Some Guy I Don't Know (Toby Berner) is Steward Dunbar. He's the Red Shirt, although giving him a full name kind of defeats his purpose, so he actually gets to live. But he does get shot in the leg by a poison arrow. Skills include: getting excieted over nothing, being in groups, walking into quicksand, miraculous healing (he's so crippled Langford decides to leave him behind one minute, then he's running up and down stairs with barely a limp the next), and coming back to life. He lives, and makes it out.
Here goes: Thain, tired and/or [insert typical misogynic sentiment] of Susan Jordon and longing for the competition and physicality inspired by Dr. Langford, decides to use his shiny new God Powers (which he just happened to acquire due to whatever Spooky Aztec Shit was going on) to reanimate JR Bourne Martouf Dr. Langford. And by 'reanimate' I don't mean Zombie Style, just your typical, run of the mill brought back to life. And then I think Secret Love Slave-ness would have to ensue.
Which is a bit odd, as I've never even considered Daniel/Marfouf. And you know that's exactly what it boils down to.
And then I thought, whoa, wouldn't it be cool if I could write?