Le Derby Fantastique
Your Cynical Scribe is not dead! She's merely been living a wild, non-stop life of skating, sleeping and lamenting her lack of unrestricted internet access at work. In fact, when she read this news item on Slate.com:
A study says curvy women are smarter. Sample: 16,000 females. Result: Women with high ratios of hip to waist size "scored significantly higher on [cognitive] tests, as did their children." Theories: 1) Hip fat contains omega3 acids, which promote "growth of the brain during pregnancy" and "could improve the woman's own mental abilities," whereas waist fat has more omega6 acids, "which are less suited to brain growth." 2) Teen mothers produce dumber kids because they're thinner and deficient in omega3. 3) Men like curvy women due to "the double enticement of both an intelligent partner and an intelligent child." Skeptical reactions: 1) The omega3 theory is pure speculation. 2) Diet and class are more plausible explanations. 3) Men don't care that much about waist-to-hip ratio. Rosy feminist spin: "Research that proves you can be sexy and intelligent is really positive." Cynical feminist spin: Except when it implies that being unshapely makes you stupid.
her reaction was: "no, we're smarter because we fat chicks figure out toute suite that we're not going to get by on our looks like the cute, skinny girls, so we better damn well have something marketable to fall back on."
So yeah, cynicism is alive and well. Perhaps more so because it's getting cold out. Fuck cold. The creeping tendrils of seasonal affective disorder are already wrapping around my brain. Fantastic.
***
But there is derby. Oh yes, Teh Derby.
After much pondering, soliciting advice and suggestions in various online forums and polling pretty much everyone I came across, I've finally got a derby name picked out.
Dominating the track and the space-time continuum...
...where she's going she doesn't need roads...
...number 88 mph...
FLUX INCAPACITATOR!
I think what really sold me on the name was the fact that when asked by numerous online surveys over the years what superpower I'd want, nine times out of ten I say I'd want the ability to time travel. And isn't part of the fun of derby getting to be superheroes with alter egos? Also being called "Flux" is pretty cool. Anyway, the name was approved yesterday and should be appearing on the Master Roster whenever it's next updated. I've already ordered my scrimmage t-shirts with my name on them and people at practice are starting to call me Flux. I'm not at all used to it yet (I'm like Teflon when it comes to nicknames), but I like the sound of it. I'm also scouring teh interwebs for apropos shit to stick on my helmet. I've got a theme to maintain here.
BTW, if you're looking for Christmas presents to give your humble scribe, I could always use more t-shirts to skate in. The more geeky and time travel-related, the better. ;-)
But moving on...
The skating itself and the whole derby thing is going fairly well thus far. I pleasantly surprised myself at my third practice on the Monday before Halloween when I said what the hell and assessed for my yellow star, and I downright shocked myself when I passed. I say shocked because there was a snake drill involved and I seriously suck at snake drills. At first it was just a matter of not having enough endurance to get through them but now it's become more of a problem with regulating my speed and making the quick cuts and lateral movements you need to get through. But I was amazingly on form at that practice and straight pwned the snake. Not that I've been able to repeat that feat since, but it's nice to know I could do it when it counted.
So I'm sporting the yellow star and now I can do contact drills. We have not done nearly enough of these yet. I want to block a bitch! Instead we've been sticking to the basics which is, admittedly, very helpful and probably better in the long run for us fresh meat to be learning now. Like backwards skating for example. When I started I could do a herky-jerky sort of backwards skulling that was slow, inelegant and downright hazardous to myself and anyone in my path, but now I can pick up my feet, get some power into my stride and actually get somewhere at a moderate speed. I'd still avoid being behind me for a while, but at least I'm better than I was before.
There are frustrations too, of course. My ongoing problem was and continues to be my speed. I've accepted the fact that I am not going to be a tiny, speedy, squirrelly jammer--that's not really what I want to be anyway--but there are plenty of girls who are my size or larger who can blow me off the track. I push myself hard but I never seem to get any faster. I'm not sure what to do about it either, aside from lose some weight so it doesn't feel like I'm expending more energy lugging my fat ass behind me than I am propelling myself forward.
I'm also going nuts with how much my back pain is holding me back. I guess I have what can be called a bad back. I have scoliosis so the muscles in my lower back where my curvature is are always sort of tense and I have a lot of sensitivity in that area. Now that I'm doing something that's demanding a lot out of my lower back, I find the pain often gets to be too much for me. I've had to drop out of endurance drills during practice not because I couldn't physically keep up but because my back was hurting so much. I'm not sure what to do about this either. I try to stretch my back as much as possible to keep things limber, but I'm not sure what kind of strength training or whatever I could do either to beef up my back or get my core to the point that it can compensate for my back's shortcomings.
So I've got some challenges to overcome, but I've also been setting goals for myself. There are the day-to-day sort of goals to master a certain skill by the end of practice or to improve on something I can already do, but I've developed some long range goals as well:
1. I want to become a really solid blocker. I want to be the sort of blocker that the other team looks at and says "how the hell can a girl that big get that low?" Not that they'll have time to think about it, because then I'll be popping right back up into their side or chest, knocking their asses on the floor and then skating away whilst chuckling wickedly. Also I want my booty block to have the adjective "impenetrable" applied to it.
2. I want to develop into a really kick-ass pivot who's smart, thinks fast and totally owns the pack.
3. Eventually I want to become a true utility player. Stick me anywhere in any position and I'll contribute. Like I was telling asavas, I don't want to be a superstar, I want to be a go-to girl.
I've got a long way to go before any of that happens though and I'm trying to stay realistic. But that's not stopping me from having a hell of a lot of fun along the way.
A study says curvy women are smarter. Sample: 16,000 females. Result: Women with high ratios of hip to waist size "scored significantly higher on [cognitive] tests, as did their children." Theories: 1) Hip fat contains omega3 acids, which promote "growth of the brain during pregnancy" and "could improve the woman's own mental abilities," whereas waist fat has more omega6 acids, "which are less suited to brain growth." 2) Teen mothers produce dumber kids because they're thinner and deficient in omega3. 3) Men like curvy women due to "the double enticement of both an intelligent partner and an intelligent child." Skeptical reactions: 1) The omega3 theory is pure speculation. 2) Diet and class are more plausible explanations. 3) Men don't care that much about waist-to-hip ratio. Rosy feminist spin: "Research that proves you can be sexy and intelligent is really positive." Cynical feminist spin: Except when it implies that being unshapely makes you stupid.
her reaction was: "no, we're smarter because we fat chicks figure out toute suite that we're not going to get by on our looks like the cute, skinny girls, so we better damn well have something marketable to fall back on."
So yeah, cynicism is alive and well. Perhaps more so because it's getting cold out. Fuck cold. The creeping tendrils of seasonal affective disorder are already wrapping around my brain. Fantastic.
***
But there is derby. Oh yes, Teh Derby.
After much pondering, soliciting advice and suggestions in various online forums and polling pretty much everyone I came across, I've finally got a derby name picked out.
Dominating the track and the space-time continuum...
...where she's going she doesn't need roads...
...number 88 mph...
FLUX INCAPACITATOR!
I think what really sold me on the name was the fact that when asked by numerous online surveys over the years what superpower I'd want, nine times out of ten I say I'd want the ability to time travel. And isn't part of the fun of derby getting to be superheroes with alter egos? Also being called "Flux" is pretty cool. Anyway, the name was approved yesterday and should be appearing on the Master Roster whenever it's next updated. I've already ordered my scrimmage t-shirts with my name on them and people at practice are starting to call me Flux. I'm not at all used to it yet (I'm like Teflon when it comes to nicknames), but I like the sound of it. I'm also scouring teh interwebs for apropos shit to stick on my helmet. I've got a theme to maintain here.
BTW, if you're looking for Christmas presents to give your humble scribe, I could always use more t-shirts to skate in. The more geeky and time travel-related, the better. ;-)
But moving on...
The skating itself and the whole derby thing is going fairly well thus far. I pleasantly surprised myself at my third practice on the Monday before Halloween when I said what the hell and assessed for my yellow star, and I downright shocked myself when I passed. I say shocked because there was a snake drill involved and I seriously suck at snake drills. At first it was just a matter of not having enough endurance to get through them but now it's become more of a problem with regulating my speed and making the quick cuts and lateral movements you need to get through. But I was amazingly on form at that practice and straight pwned the snake. Not that I've been able to repeat that feat since, but it's nice to know I could do it when it counted.
So I'm sporting the yellow star and now I can do contact drills. We have not done nearly enough of these yet. I want to block a bitch! Instead we've been sticking to the basics which is, admittedly, very helpful and probably better in the long run for us fresh meat to be learning now. Like backwards skating for example. When I started I could do a herky-jerky sort of backwards skulling that was slow, inelegant and downright hazardous to myself and anyone in my path, but now I can pick up my feet, get some power into my stride and actually get somewhere at a moderate speed. I'd still avoid being behind me for a while, but at least I'm better than I was before.
There are frustrations too, of course. My ongoing problem was and continues to be my speed. I've accepted the fact that I am not going to be a tiny, speedy, squirrelly jammer--that's not really what I want to be anyway--but there are plenty of girls who are my size or larger who can blow me off the track. I push myself hard but I never seem to get any faster. I'm not sure what to do about it either, aside from lose some weight so it doesn't feel like I'm expending more energy lugging my fat ass behind me than I am propelling myself forward.
I'm also going nuts with how much my back pain is holding me back. I guess I have what can be called a bad back. I have scoliosis so the muscles in my lower back where my curvature is are always sort of tense and I have a lot of sensitivity in that area. Now that I'm doing something that's demanding a lot out of my lower back, I find the pain often gets to be too much for me. I've had to drop out of endurance drills during practice not because I couldn't physically keep up but because my back was hurting so much. I'm not sure what to do about this either. I try to stretch my back as much as possible to keep things limber, but I'm not sure what kind of strength training or whatever I could do either to beef up my back or get my core to the point that it can compensate for my back's shortcomings.
So I've got some challenges to overcome, but I've also been setting goals for myself. There are the day-to-day sort of goals to master a certain skill by the end of practice or to improve on something I can already do, but I've developed some long range goals as well:
1. I want to become a really solid blocker. I want to be the sort of blocker that the other team looks at and says "how the hell can a girl that big get that low?" Not that they'll have time to think about it, because then I'll be popping right back up into their side or chest, knocking their asses on the floor and then skating away whilst chuckling wickedly. Also I want my booty block to have the adjective "impenetrable" applied to it.
2. I want to develop into a really kick-ass pivot who's smart, thinks fast and totally owns the pack.
3. Eventually I want to become a true utility player. Stick me anywhere in any position and I'll contribute. Like I was telling asavas, I don't want to be a superstar, I want to be a go-to girl.
I've got a long way to go before any of that happens though and I'm trying to stay realistic. But that's not stopping me from having a hell of a lot of fun along the way.