(no subject)
Sunday, March 18th, 2007
5:30PM
Dear Whoever,
It's been a month and a half into school already, I think. I'm trying to keep track, well, I'm not trying to keep track, I just have because every now and then I keep remembering how many times I've gone to school so far in how many weeks. So...I've gone once the first week, once again the second week, twice the third week and four times the fourth week (basically I went everyday that week because there was a school field trip and it was a holiday for anyone who didn't go, so you know...) and then four times last week and then there's this week. So, this is the sixth week of school, a month and a half.
I didn't go today for, what may seem one of the stupidest lame excuses in the world for some, but I don't see it to be such a stupid excuse. But it's because of my school clothes, I completely, and HONESTLY, forgot to take 'em out of the washing machine and hang them. I know it seems really stupid, but I'm not lying and I wasn't lying to myself either, I really did forget. Whenever I remembered, I was too lazy and told myself that I'd do it a few minutes later but yesterday (Saturday) was a busy day and I kept having to do this and that and it really completely slipped my mind.
Although I don't want anyone saying I'm just being stupid because it's impossible for it to have slipped my mind, but God's my witness and it really did. But I guess I can't try to seem so innocent because I know that if it were clothes to some party or something important to me, that I cared about, I probably wouldn't have forgotten so easily. But what could I have done? I can't force myself to love school, my mind and heart hate school and so it's not something I think about, you know what I mean?
Oh God, I must really have at least 50 journal entries all talkin' about either hating school or being absent. I know it's my journal/blog/whatever, so I shouldn't apologize for writing about anything, but I will because I'm afraid that I'll probabl frighten everyone away because, honestly, who wants to keep reading about some depressing girl talking about how much she hates school all the time and how she's usually absent. So, sorry. But I can't help it, I usually write when I'm depressed and have got nothing better to do, so it's bound to be about school, the most thing that depresses me in my life.
On lighter notes, I'm in love with Wentworth Miller lol. Yes, that's probably the only sign I've given of being a normal teenager :P. But he's just HAWT and adoooooooorable. Since Egypt sucks because of many things, but also because mostly every movie or serie from abroad (mostly the U.S.) arrives here years later. So Prison Break has just, miraculously, arrived on T.V. here. Of course, starting from Season one, and it's like what, season 50 in America? (Ok, I exaggerated too much. Honestly, is it season 2 or 3 now?) Well, the third episode is coming this Tuesday. I wish Prison Break would come another day of the week, but I guess every Tuesday isn't too bad.
Anyway...I don't feel so much like writing (typing) any more because, first: I did a lot of crap in between the above paragraph and this one, and second: I wanna go take a shower. So, all I was really gonna say is that this is probably the worst I've been doing school-wise. I haven't opened a single book and I'm going on day by day as if it's still my vacation. Yeah, this is how a person, who so badly wants to pass to get outta this country for even 3 months with her mother, acts. I just can't help it...There's just so many things I can't help doing.
I need guidance, someone to push me. I'm not as independent as I thought I could be. I really need tutors. The first tutor I was supposed to already be taking with since at least 2 or 3 weeks ago, is my Arabic teacher. I keep forgetting and everytime I remember, it's a bad time for my dad to call him. I GOT TO tell my dad tonight to call him. We're way behing schedule if we start now. If we ever want to catch up, we're gonna have to start taking at least 2 lessons a week to get on track.
So, if I start taking Arabic lessons, that should at least make me get back into the studying-feeling. Reality. So, if I start taking Arabic lessons, I've got that covered, but how about the rest of my subjects? I've got math, English, Physics, geography, religion, civics, philosophy, computer, and....uhm....I can't think of anything else. But the important ones are physics, math and geography. Math, I'm definitely taking a lesson in that. In a month or so, I should start. But for Physics and geography, I don't think my dad has any plans for those, but I really need them. I can't study alone, especially because I'm this far behind.
I probably would be able to study alone if I had been going to school everyday and had been paying attention in class, writing every single lesson down. I do have every lesson written in my notebook except the last two, but I can't understand it without any explanation, you know? So, I think I'm hopeless like this, all alone. I think my dad should agree though, for me to take a lesson in physics, because I had a lesson in Biology and Chemistry last year, and now they've been replaced with only physics, so I don't see why he should be mean and refuse :(. If he agrees, that's one step, then there's the second and final step, finding a teacher/tutor. No way in a million years will I let it be my physics teacher from school, she's horrible UGH!
I should try harder in finding both a physics teacher AND a math teacher. I think I'll end up taking math with my teacher from school, she's okay. I kinda like her yet dislike her. At one point, I hated her, but she's okay. The funny thing is that her name is Miss Mai (my name :P). It's so weird to hear my name being said that way, with the "Miss". I've never met a teacher whose name is Mai before lol.
After I find a teacher for physics and math, I've got geography, which I think will be the hardest to find. I don't know anyone but my school teacher, and I don't like her too much because she intimidates me and makes me feel like a stupid idiot. I hate people like that. Why's it so hard to be normal around them and show them that you're not really retarded?! Do they have to be so mean?? She has this grudge or something against me ever since I came back from america and into this school. Since I was excused in all the arabic subjects because I supposedly wasn't good in them because I had just come back from america and had forgotten most of my arabic, I didn't have to be examined and whatever like everyone else. So everyone thought that was stupid and everyone was so mean to me about it...*sigh*.
I'm glad those days are over. But she still mentions it every once in a while. She's one of those people to ask me why I hate Egypt so much, and if I want to go to the U.S. again. I hate those questions because nobody will ever truly understand unless they were in my shoes and travelled to America at least once.
Anyway...So, she's not an option for me, I won't let her be an option. I gotta ask some friends and my sister for any geography teachers. Once I've got those four, Arabic, math, physics and geography, God be with me on the rest. I failed in religion and civics last year, which means I need to get a good score to be able to pass and not stay, humiliatingly (if that's even a word), in the summer studying to re-examine them. So, I really have NO idea how to study for them and they're subjects that you can't really find tutors for. It would be beyond embarrassing if I was ever found taking lessons in those subjects, no one does, I'm not sure it's even possible. So, I basically have to study those two on my own someone. *Sigh*
My sister is always studying now, when it used to be the other way around last year and the year before. But that's because she's go tutors, she has to study for them. It's different when you have no one pushing you or asking you whether you've studied or not. You know what I mean?
Well...it rained last Thursday. I love rain...it gives me this great soothing feeling. Rain makes some people feel blue, but not me. Maybe a little blue, but it's leaning more on the calm side. If I was hyper, I get into this relaxed state, I dunno how to explain it. Well, we've got this thing in Egypt, well actually I think it's in our religion, but you should pray to God when it's raining. Because it's said that the skies are open or something and you can pray and wish for anything. I know it doesn't quite make sense, because it almost seems like they're saying that's the time you can pray to God because he'll be listening, but he's supposed to be listening to everyone's prayers 24/7. So I guess I'm not sure what the saying is exactly, but maybe there's more of a chance of God making that prayer come true when it's raining. I dunno, I should shutup before I say anything else that may probably be wrong.
Anyway, I just wanted to mention that it rained and I prayed for a couple of things that I hope God can be able to tell are truly coming from deep down in my heart and I really hope they come true. Most of them are things I've probably prayed, hoped and wished for a thousand times here, but I don't think it's one of those things, like birthday wishes, where if you tell someone, it kills it, because it won't come true anymore. I hope that made sense. Well, I gotta go, my dad needs the computer lol. It's good he came, because it seems like I may have gone on forever when, just a couple of paragraphs ago, I said I was leaving to shower. I gotta go, bye!!
-Mai