(no subject)
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
7:25AM
Hewwo people!
It's been a while since I've posted something, in fact, I didn't even reply to all of your comments :(. Sowwy for that, I've just been kinda busy and mostly lazy. I hate that because LJ was something I didn't want to be lazy from. I told myself that if I wasn't gonna write/type anything, at least I'd read or reply to other people's comments. But I've done neither and now I have lots to talk about but I haven't got the time. And when I do have time, I always feel like if I just sit and type all I want to for an hour or so, I'm wasting my time when I could be sleeping or studying or doing something more useful...But I shouldn't feel that way cuz I never study anyway and I don't enjoy sleeping during the day and writing is something I love to do. I feel like I can release all these thoughts and feelings...It's me escape, as stupid as that sounds, it's true.
If I don't write, I end up writing in my head, basically just talking to myself in my head, as if I'm typing/writing, like what I want to say. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm depressed as usual. Been absent again. But even though I have good-ish reasons: I was busy in the weekend and last Thursday, when I had my field trip, so I didn't get to wash my school clothes since the field trip. And this is no lie, I didn't know I was gonna end up sleeping over at my cousins', it wasn't planned. And going to the zoo the day after, with them, wasn't a plan either. So I came home exhausted after the field trip, on Thursday, and after the zoo, on Saturday. I just stayed in bed, forced myself to eat before I went to sleep. And then I washed them on Sunday and the skirt didn't dry at all by Monday morning. So that's my reason. And of course whne people ask in school, and I tell them this, I can feel them not believing me because I've been absent so many times, mostly for stupid reasons, that when I am absent for such TRUE reasons, they won't believe me. It's like that boy that cried wolf...I think, well not really, lol but whatever.
I was cleaning up the computer yesterday with my sister and we had to delete lots of stuff. When we were in My Documents, I found lots of stuff written by my that I saved and posted online, but forgot to delete them off the computer. I found it funny that most of them started with: "I'm depressed" or "I was absent again..." Lol...it's not so much as funny as it is depressing and true...I guess I'll never be able to change something like this. I hate that people judge me and they don't get how hard it is for me to go and how much I truly hate school. I know it may seem like a weak move to always just be absent cuz I can't take going to school all the time, but it's not as easy as it sounds. No one really understands, you'd have to be ME and in MY shoes. Afterwards, just try and go to school, with MY lack of Arabic. Ugh....Another reason why I don't write in LJ or wherever sometimes is because I don't want to face my problems. I mean, they are there, they'll always exist. But sometimes I just don't wanna think about them, and typing/writing about them is just reminding me about them and making me focus on them...
Of course, teachers will bother me in school about my absence...They all hate me, or at least dislike me, I can feel it. It's just because I'm different than the rest and besides not studying like some girls, I'm also absent a lot...*Sigh* Stupid prinicipal, UGH God I hate her!!! She's gonna bug me today, I'm sure of it. So will my Arabic and English teacher, mark my words...They'll ask why I was absent, and I'm gonna have to lie even though I have good(-ish) reasons, because I'm not gonna stand there, with my horrible Arabic, and explain to them the whole school clothes story and how I was busy and blah blah. They won't buy it anyway, but they really don't get that I'm human and I'm the one taking care of our laundry at home, I DON'T have a mom that has time to wash them right away. I'm still young and I can get lazy, cuz I'm HUMAN. Of course when I lie, they won't believe the lie either: "I was tired" or "I felt sick" blah blah. I say that all the time, who's gonna believe it? But what's better, standing there in front of the class and making a fool outta myself, horribly explaining the true reason, and having them not believe me anyway? Or telling a short lie and having them not believe me?
Well, I gotta go. There's a lot more I wanna talk about, but time's running out and I still gotta make my bag before I leave for school. I only have two friends, one that's my best friend and another that's a close friend. And neither of them understand either, in fact, they make me feel worse about it. They make me feel guilty and say that it's wrong and etc. Don't they think I know that? I KNOW THAT. It's enough I have myself to scold and teachers to bother me, I don't need that from my won friends...Especially my close friend, Salsabil. Even though it's been about 2 years, and she's witnessed me be absent NUMEROUS times, it's like she's still not used to it. She still becomes immature and childish and treats me badly or in a mean way at first, once I'm absent. I just don't get it. And then I start to become afraid to call her! Seriously...Or I'm afraid that she'll call me, with her "lovely" mood *rolls eyes*. She's like a mother, only my mom wouldn't be that mean and immature. In fact, I probably wouldn't even be absent if my mom was here. Anyway...there I was again, saying I have to go, then I decide to say one last thing before I leave, which leads to ALL that. So, I should really go now. Time's RUN out. Sorry everyone for not replying, I want to, I really do. And I wanna read your LJ's too! Well, bye!!! Wish me luck in school, I'll need it.
-Mai