:: sigh ::
i have had the worst luck lately. first it was my eyes, then my back ( still my back), then my eyes again and now im sick with some kind of bug. i think its tonsilitis again. im really depressed about not having the money to take care of myself. and ive missed more days in august than i think i worked. i got cyndi sick too. i feel so helpless lately. i hate being sick..but i wish i at least had the money to take care of myself. me and cyn dont go out and do stuff anymore. it seems like she wants to be home alot of the time. i like it here alot more now that rob is gone but i really hate being home allllllll the time. i need to get out. maybe thats why im getting depressed. its everything really. no money, always in pain, i feel like im worthless to cyndi becuase i cant make the money i was making a month ago becuase of all these illnesses. this all came down on me at the worst time possible. i miss my friends and i miss being out with them. i feel like life is nothing but work or " resting" so i can get better. i keep trying to keep cyndi strong becuase she is dealing with so much..but i feel like im failing myself. like im just not strong enough right now. i dream about school and getting a decent job and getting a car. being able to actually take a vacation with cyndi, living in a nice house like the ones on south pasedena beach. the houses with terra cotta colored driveways and lush green gardens of palm trees and exotic plants, with balconys and TWO front doors with big windows. i just want to be SOMEONE. i want to succeed so much..and every month passes by and all i do is dream. no action. i have a shitty past but i dont want it to be like this forever. i want to know i did something with my life. my life isnt bad now..its just..not what i want it to be. i want to learn and use my skills to help people. life would be so much easier as a dog. sleep, eat, play, repeat. :: sigh :: im so bummed...