its 4:20 and id do anything right now for a hit....

[cyndis_girl]

man im stressed. all i want is to cry until the tears are all gone. cyn and i argue about stupid things sometimes. i feel like im under her authority sometimes...i know she doesnt mean to be that way but i feel like i have to ask for permission to do stuff when it involves my life. i know this may sound dumb..but i fucked up cyndis muffler more like 3 days ago..and she was very very pissed at me. i didnt do it purposely but she keeps saying how careless and unthoughtful it was to do it..as if i meant to do it..when i was crying about it later on becuase i felt so bad about it. i told her how sorry i was..but she keeps bringing it up..which hurts everytime becuase i still think she thinks i did it purposely. but last night with her being drunk..it was "ok" for me to drive it home..alone..complete total trust..but then if i want it when she is at work so i wont be alone in the depressing house all day..its not ok. it becomes a " i dont want to let you use it becuase its my car" thing. and i tell her that reminds me of my mom..becuase my mom did that shit to me alllllll growing up.the "i say no because i can" thing. and i tell her everytime...and she gets mad becuase she thinks im comparing her to "A MOM"..not my mom. im not saying...u are acting like a parental figure..im saying you are being overly controling LIKE my mom..NOT becuase you ARE my mom. but its frustrating. alot of arguements come from this. like drugs..and how i want to try some new things..or occasionally use something beside pot. but everything comes down to pot and how "thats ok" but anything else is " to bad for me". i mean i feel like this is my body and never before did i have to worry about anyone elses opinion on what went in and out of my body. i know she just cares for me..i know its just her worrying..but ive made it through years of doing shit alot..and now..i cant even do something new. when i talk to cyn about certain things she says stuff like " maybe we shouldnt be together if were so different" ..which breaks me everytime becuase even in my most angry state of mind i have never uttered those words to her becuase i know the pain of those words..
im just frustrated..i want to stop arguing and compromise more. i dont want to lose her becuase i know i love her very very much. i know i wouldnt feel like this if we compromised more. bleh..im going to look for something to do..to get my mind off of this.