No Longer a Full-time Writer
These past two weeks, I've been rushing around like crazy with the kids, trying to pack a summer's worth of fun into a few short days. We've been to the shore, to Dutch Wonderland, to a corn maze in Lancaster, to Knoebel's... etc, etc. That's because on Monday I will be starting a new job. This job is not at all YA-literature-related, which is what I like about it.
Now, does that mean I am giving up writing YA forever? Noooo. In fact, I plan to be writing more. I used to love my lunch hours at my other job because it gave me some uninterrupted time to work on my books. I hope to continute my writing as much as I can on my lunch hour.
I know that while it appears to be every writer's dream to work at home, I realized after awhile that it wasn't mine. Sure, it was lovely to be home with the kids, but there were many things that I did not like about being a full-time writer. I hated that I HAD to write to keep my career going. I much preferred it (and found it easier) when it was something I just did on the side, for the fun of it. Nothing takes the love out of something like being forced into it. Sure, I still enjoyed doing it, but there was so much fear behind my writing. And yes, while I was still able to churn out a book a year, I felt an overwhelming pressure, a little voice in the back of my head saying, "What if you can't? What if your creativity dries up? What then?"
Also, I love certainty. I love weekly paychecks. I love to plan things. I hate not knowing when or if I'll have the money to say, go on vacation. I love being able to say, "So what if everyone hates my book? It's okay! I'm doing it because I love it." I don't want it to be about the money! I was taking things way too personally, before, because my financial life was tied to the success of my books. And the success of my book is not something I can easily control. I need the control. I need to not have so much of my life invested in my books.
Plus, so much of this business is about little pieces of luck... you sell foreign or movie rights here, a big reviewer piles on the praise there, you get publicity from some unexpected source. I hated waiting for that luck to come about, because most often, it never came. Watching every other author get their little bits of good news, I started to wonder if I was the unluckiest writer in the world. I became a slave to refreshing my email, hoping for something GOOD. When I was at my job, I was too busy to be sitting at my computer, waiting. I was doing other things that took my mind off the writing. That preserved my sanity. Now, I feel like I waste a heck of a lot of time, looking, hoping, refreshing, waiting for good news, instead of doing what I should be doing.
The one thing that makes me sad is not being able to spend as much time with the kids. But I think they will be happy because I won't have to plant them in front of a TV to answer emails. And having the kids with me was great, but it also meant I had to conform to their schedule, which meant that the only time open to me to write was evenings. I am a shell of a person during the evening. I go to sleep at 9 most nights. I am cranky and mean. And so my schedule suffered, and I was mean to the children whenever that happened. I think if I'm happier with myself, I'll be able to make them happier, too.
Having a new job also means that I will probably be even less active online than I have been in the past. I never did blog, tweet, or whatever, very much, but it might be even less often now. I think that will be okay. Even if you don't hear from me for awhile, I'll still be around. And most likely, I'll be writing.
XO, Cyn
Now, does that mean I am giving up writing YA forever? Noooo. In fact, I plan to be writing more. I used to love my lunch hours at my other job because it gave me some uninterrupted time to work on my books. I hope to continute my writing as much as I can on my lunch hour.
I know that while it appears to be every writer's dream to work at home, I realized after awhile that it wasn't mine. Sure, it was lovely to be home with the kids, but there were many things that I did not like about being a full-time writer. I hated that I HAD to write to keep my career going. I much preferred it (and found it easier) when it was something I just did on the side, for the fun of it. Nothing takes the love out of something like being forced into it. Sure, I still enjoyed doing it, but there was so much fear behind my writing. And yes, while I was still able to churn out a book a year, I felt an overwhelming pressure, a little voice in the back of my head saying, "What if you can't? What if your creativity dries up? What then?"
Also, I love certainty. I love weekly paychecks. I love to plan things. I hate not knowing when or if I'll have the money to say, go on vacation. I love being able to say, "So what if everyone hates my book? It's okay! I'm doing it because I love it." I don't want it to be about the money! I was taking things way too personally, before, because my financial life was tied to the success of my books. And the success of my book is not something I can easily control. I need the control. I need to not have so much of my life invested in my books.
Plus, so much of this business is about little pieces of luck... you sell foreign or movie rights here, a big reviewer piles on the praise there, you get publicity from some unexpected source. I hated waiting for that luck to come about, because most often, it never came. Watching every other author get their little bits of good news, I started to wonder if I was the unluckiest writer in the world. I became a slave to refreshing my email, hoping for something GOOD. When I was at my job, I was too busy to be sitting at my computer, waiting. I was doing other things that took my mind off the writing. That preserved my sanity. Now, I feel like I waste a heck of a lot of time, looking, hoping, refreshing, waiting for good news, instead of doing what I should be doing.
The one thing that makes me sad is not being able to spend as much time with the kids. But I think they will be happy because I won't have to plant them in front of a TV to answer emails. And having the kids with me was great, but it also meant I had to conform to their schedule, which meant that the only time open to me to write was evenings. I am a shell of a person during the evening. I go to sleep at 9 most nights. I am cranky and mean. And so my schedule suffered, and I was mean to the children whenever that happened. I think if I'm happier with myself, I'll be able to make them happier, too.
Having a new job also means that I will probably be even less active online than I have been in the past. I never did blog, tweet, or whatever, very much, but it might be even less often now. I think that will be okay. Even if you don't hear from me for awhile, I'll still be around. And most likely, I'll be writing.
XO, Cyn