128
Mon May 21, 2007 1:55 pm Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post
#128
I'm kind of staring at this datapad and I can't really bring myself to care enough to write down all that's happened. Can't really sift through the words in my mind to try and put down what needs to be said.
I just don't really care. No real passion to say what needs to be put down, no desire to share anything..even though I"m not really sharing.
Everyone is freaking out about my lack of emotion. They freak out when I show emotion, they freak out when I don't, I admit I hate feeling this way the total lack of care for anyone or anything. The lack of anger the lack of love.. the complete lack.
But I'm not going to emo about it, not going to fret or pace endlessly. I'll deal with it as I've always dealt with things. I look at it and I do what I can. Everyone's so keen on helping me, so bloody eager to tear into me and try to fix me, They don't give me any real time to sit down and experience this to try and sort things out for myself. I -know- what's wrong with me. I see it more clearly than any of them could do. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna run screaming "OH GODS SAVE ME!" into the night. I want to experience this first. I want to see for myself what I can possibly do.
Drak wants to take away the force.
Father wants to fling yet another Force User at me.
Sokech just wants to sit and hold me or something.
I'm alright. Really. I AM OKAY. I'm not myself no, but I'm not in any perilous danger, I'm not going to die from lack of emotion. I'm not going to spontaneously burst into flames.
I'm ...okay.
Relvan cornered me. Tried getting me to give infomation about Am'aya and the gida. I gave the most common knowledge everyone knows about them.. he seemed to think it was sufficient enough. He wanted to know where Am'aya lived.. he wanted to know everything I knew about the gida. And I didn't give him any information that wasn't painfully obvious if you were observant. I said that the gida come in pairs.. most the time they leave in pairs. They are warriors and have a strict code of honor. That they were tough and that they were not really ones to be messed with. Draz'tek tried to get the same info out of me. I'm not particularly fond of Draz'tek right now. He's got too many questions about Duglus..and the city residents. Nuh-uh. Not happening. I was paid anyways for the information despite the fact it was worthless.
I gave a warning to El'mossa. Told her that she was being sought out by pepole. Next thing I know her and Vaan are barging into my house dropping smoke bombs and threatening to off me. Well Vaan'wu was. Not sure what the hell El'mossa wanted. They wanted more information. More names. I told them the names I knew..and that the rest they'd have to sort out themselves. Apparently this wasn't satisfactory. They eventually left after Vado lured them out of the house, but not before I opened fire on Vaan for using the cover of smoke to jump up in front of me.. I smacked her in the face with the butt of my gun for startling me. Chances are now she's gonna take that as some hookie jookie sign that we must now combat to the death with toothpicks and tied to a dead Kaduu under the blood moon of Dathomir on a Weeks end ..or some other ridiculously honorablistic bolshit.
Vado was doing damage control afterwords.. not sure what happened.
Got into it with father afterwords. Him and Soks both saying something was wrong with me. Like I didn't know it. I kept telling them I was fine.. I AM fine.. it's okay.. there's something wrong yes; but that doesn't mean that everything is going to crumble..planets will explode and gungans will replace Palpatine...
I'm tempted to just say forget it. To just walk away from it all. From the clan, from the family.. from everything and everyone and seek a new life somewhere. Perhaps live on Dathomir like A'nu lived on Yavin. I bet I could forget who I am.. who I was.. and just start over. I bet if I tried hard enough..I could do it.
#128
I'm kind of staring at this datapad and I can't really bring myself to care enough to write down all that's happened. Can't really sift through the words in my mind to try and put down what needs to be said.
I just don't really care. No real passion to say what needs to be put down, no desire to share anything..even though I"m not really sharing.
Everyone is freaking out about my lack of emotion. They freak out when I show emotion, they freak out when I don't, I admit I hate feeling this way the total lack of care for anyone or anything. The lack of anger the lack of love.. the complete lack.
But I'm not going to emo about it, not going to fret or pace endlessly. I'll deal with it as I've always dealt with things. I look at it and I do what I can. Everyone's so keen on helping me, so bloody eager to tear into me and try to fix me, They don't give me any real time to sit down and experience this to try and sort things out for myself. I -know- what's wrong with me. I see it more clearly than any of them could do. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna run screaming "OH GODS SAVE ME!" into the night. I want to experience this first. I want to see for myself what I can possibly do.
Drak wants to take away the force.
Father wants to fling yet another Force User at me.
Sokech just wants to sit and hold me or something.
I'm alright. Really. I AM OKAY. I'm not myself no, but I'm not in any perilous danger, I'm not going to die from lack of emotion. I'm not going to spontaneously burst into flames.
I'm ...okay.
Relvan cornered me. Tried getting me to give infomation about Am'aya and the gida. I gave the most common knowledge everyone knows about them.. he seemed to think it was sufficient enough. He wanted to know where Am'aya lived.. he wanted to know everything I knew about the gida. And I didn't give him any information that wasn't painfully obvious if you were observant. I said that the gida come in pairs.. most the time they leave in pairs. They are warriors and have a strict code of honor. That they were tough and that they were not really ones to be messed with. Draz'tek tried to get the same info out of me. I'm not particularly fond of Draz'tek right now. He's got too many questions about Duglus..and the city residents. Nuh-uh. Not happening. I was paid anyways for the information despite the fact it was worthless.
I gave a warning to El'mossa. Told her that she was being sought out by pepole. Next thing I know her and Vaan are barging into my house dropping smoke bombs and threatening to off me. Well Vaan'wu was. Not sure what the hell El'mossa wanted. They wanted more information. More names. I told them the names I knew..and that the rest they'd have to sort out themselves. Apparently this wasn't satisfactory. They eventually left after Vado lured them out of the house, but not before I opened fire on Vaan for using the cover of smoke to jump up in front of me.. I smacked her in the face with the butt of my gun for startling me. Chances are now she's gonna take that as some hookie jookie sign that we must now combat to the death with toothpicks and tied to a dead Kaduu under the blood moon of Dathomir on a Weeks end ..or some other ridiculously honorablistic bolshit.
Vado was doing damage control afterwords.. not sure what happened.
Got into it with father afterwords. Him and Soks both saying something was wrong with me. Like I didn't know it. I kept telling them I was fine.. I AM fine.. it's okay.. there's something wrong yes; but that doesn't mean that everything is going to crumble..planets will explode and gungans will replace Palpatine...
I'm tempted to just say forget it. To just walk away from it all. From the clan, from the family.. from everything and everyone and seek a new life somewhere. Perhaps live on Dathomir like A'nu lived on Yavin. I bet I could forget who I am.. who I was.. and just start over. I bet if I tried hard enough..I could do it.