Random questions! It's a meme! Capital letters and exclamation points!
1. IF YOU STARRED IN A PORNO WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?
See, this is how you know this is a cutting-edge meme: this implies that the hypothetical porn flick in question has a plot. That's thinking outside the box, folks! And any porno I'd star in would most definitely have a plot. However, it'd probably involve a hospital room and multiple shift changes of hot nurses. "Damn, you look yummy in a hospital gown and all those heart-monitor wires."
That reminds me of something a nurse (and she was, of course, hot and preternaturally sensitive and caring, and hot) and I were talking about when I was in the hospital for the 2005 transplant. She came in to take my vital signs and cop a feel or three, and I was watching TV. Watching TV is pretty much what you do in the hospital. Thankfully, they had cable, so I caught quite a few movies on TNT and USA, etc. Anyway, this was around 3 or 4 in the morning, and I was up watching "The Magnificent Seven", because one thing you don't do in the hospital is retain ANY semblance of a normal sleep schedule. You sleep when you sleep. You're always going to be woken up by someone wanting some of your blood, or to take you up or down a floor for a test, or to give you a blowjob or whatever. So you get used to the fact that you're taking naps: you're never actually sleeping. Anyway, I was idly twiddling her nipple through her scrubs while she chewed on my ear, and I happened to praise the hospital's cable TV system, and joked that it'd be great if you could order movies over the little TVs. In a husky but attentive and compassionate voice, she said "Well, we used to have HBO or Showtime or something, but a lot of the heart monitors would start going off around midnight or so because of the naked programs. So we had to get rid of it. Ooh, keep doing that."
At the nursing station, they have screens where they can see all the readouts from all the heart monitors hooked up to patients on that floor. I could just imagine the whole thing lighting up when something like "Bedtime Stories" or "Sexy Suzie's Steamy Sauna 2" came on.
I have no idea if she was telling the truth, but that makes me laugh to this day. Anyway, yeah, HOT MEDICAL ACTION.
2. WOULD YOU BANG YOUR NEIGHBOR?
This is all about honesty, isn't it? Okay. Answer: why yes, I would! Nothing like living next to a family with two very attractive and totally unattainable daughters whom I've wanted to bang since high school. Did I mention one of them was homecoming queen? Let's hear it for awkwardness and insecurity!
3. WHO HAVE YOU TALKED TO THE MOST TODAY?
It's a tie between myself and my cats.
4. HONESTLY, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR?
There's that damn honesty thing again. You want actual numbers? Can't do it. I will say that I in fact have feelings for many people, ranging from silly crush-lust and aching fondness to extreme revulsion and evil death mind rays!
5. GOOD ADVICE IF YOU EVER GO CAMPING?
Get a hotel room!
6. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE YOUR NAME OR YOUR SIBLING'S NAME?
No siblings to speak of, but that's okay, I rather like my name. Though it took me a long time to grow into, if that makes sense.
7. WHAT IS YOUR RINGTONE?
Kraftwerk's "Trans-Europe Express". Admit it, my geekiness turns you on.
8. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM FRIENDS?
Ah, how sneaky! Opening with the plot-driven porno and then plummeting to this banal pop culture shit! Well, I would have to say: nobody! Not a single one of those trendy, oh-aren't-we-neurotic-and-complicated, backstabbing fucks were appealing to me at all! Did the series finale involve the destruction of their building with a spiked wrecking ball coated with anthrax? No? What a fucking shame.
9. ARE YOU A LOST FANATIC?
No, sir, I am not! They're lost, it's weird, okay, I get it. When is the dumb island going to be swallowed by a sea monster already? END IT.
10. DO YOU READ TRASHY ROMANCE NOVELS?
No, I don't! What exactly the fuck is wrong with you?
11. PHYSICS OR CHEMISTRY?
Both! Lacking one or the other would make this existing thing really difficult.
12. HARRY POTTER, LORD OF THE RINGS OR STAR WARS?
Damn. You stumped me. Going to have to say Star Wars. Yes, the prequels were atrocious, but the original trilogy defined so much of my generation's pop culture mythology, it's hard to let it go. The Harry Potter films are fun, though I couldn't care less about the books. The LotR films are the new Star Wars trilogy, as far as I'm concerned... but Star Wars captured me when I was too young to strike back. Ha, ha! See what I did there?
13. BATMAN, SPIDERMAN OR SUPERMAN?
After watching Batman Begins and seeing the trailers for The Dark Knight... it's the goddamned Batman. Superman will always have a special place in my heart because of Christopher Reeve and because I'm secretly a huge sap. The best thing about Spiderman was when Todd McFarlane did the art back in the early 90s.
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE?
It's a toss-up between the original Fantasia and The Lion King.
15. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO HEAR YOU CRY?
Wow. I think the last two times I cried, I was alone at home. Let's just say that several people have watched or listened to me break down several times in the past year and leave it at that. See, this is a sneaky meme.
16. WHAT DOES THE TENTH TEXT MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY?
"Thank you, good sir, that means a lot."
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TEXT MESSAGE YOU HAVE ON YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW?
One I have saved from the first week of December, from a dear friend.
18. WERE YOU AN HONOR STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Nope! I could've been if I'd applied myself more! Fuck you very much, thanks!
19. WHAT IS TO YOUR LEFT?
My backpack.
20. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR?
Quote Aerosmith lyrics and twitch.
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PUSHED INTO A POOL WITH ALL YOUR CLOTHES ON?
No, thank God. In my world, that's grounds for justifiable homicide.
22. LAST PERSON YOU COMMENTED ON MYSPACE?
Kristen, I think.
23. LAST WALL YOU POSTED TO ON FACEBOOK?
Facebook does not know me, and I do not know Facebook.
24. WOULD YOU RATHER DIE IN A FIRE OR GET SHOT?
Shoot me. Get the fucker over with. Asphyxiation? Smoke inhalation? Burning to death? I'm not keen on that, and it's just going to take forever. Granted, dying from massive blood loss and trauma could possibly take a while, too, but... gee, you're upbeat.
25. DO YOU TWIRL YOUR SPAGHETTI OR CUT IT?
I do both. You know, in the future, if I do get shot and manage to survive, I'm going to have myself a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
26. WOULD YOU CONSIDER ADOPTION?
Yes. When it comes right down to it, if I ever did have children, I'd want to adopt. I don't want to pass on my screwed-up genes and run the risk of my son or daughter going through what I have. Maybe they won't look like me, but at least their kidneys'll work.
27. IF SOMEONE LIKED YOU RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO TELL YOU?
Sure.
28. DO YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE?
Sure. I can also channel Trent Reznor if you want.
29. WOULD YOU RATHER DO BATTLE AGAINST ROBOTS OR ZOMBIES?
Hmm. Are we talking Transformers or something like that goofy little Nintendo robot from waaaaaay back in the day? I'd flatten that little son of a bitch. Zombies, though, well, I'd be munching brains pretty quickly, I'm afraid.
30. DOES EVERY FAMILY HAVE A CRAZY UNCLE?
Statistically... this is a dumb question. Does MY family have a crazy uncle? Not that I know of, but then again, I unfortunately don't know many of my relatives that well.
31. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LAST IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 MONTHS WITHOUT CHEATING?
3 months? Oh gosh, how could anyone? I'd just have to get out there and fuck someone new! (Short answer: yes. What's the fucking point of having a relationship?)
32. HOW MANY LETTERS ARE IN YOUR LAST NAME?
Seven.
33. WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ LAST?
"Old Man's War", by John Scalzi. Great book, lots of fun. Not as good as Haldeman's "The Forever War", IMHO, but definitely a wild ride.
34. WOULD YOU BELIEVE YOUR EX IF HE/SHE SAID THEY LOVED YOU?
Yeah, probably. I'm gullible like that.
35. MOST HATED FOOD?
Brussel sprouts.
36. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
No idea.
37. HOW DO YOU VENT ANGER?
With writing. Also with screaming.
38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DOG BREED?
I've always liked border collies. Wouldn't be able to handle one, but I think they're beautiful animals.
39. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON IM?
I haven't used an IM client since last year, I think. Man, how anticlimactic was that?
See, this is how you know this is a cutting-edge meme: this implies that the hypothetical porn flick in question has a plot. That's thinking outside the box, folks! And any porno I'd star in would most definitely have a plot. However, it'd probably involve a hospital room and multiple shift changes of hot nurses. "Damn, you look yummy in a hospital gown and all those heart-monitor wires."
That reminds me of something a nurse (and she was, of course, hot and preternaturally sensitive and caring, and hot) and I were talking about when I was in the hospital for the 2005 transplant. She came in to take my vital signs and cop a feel or three, and I was watching TV. Watching TV is pretty much what you do in the hospital. Thankfully, they had cable, so I caught quite a few movies on TNT and USA, etc. Anyway, this was around 3 or 4 in the morning, and I was up watching "The Magnificent Seven", because one thing you don't do in the hospital is retain ANY semblance of a normal sleep schedule. You sleep when you sleep. You're always going to be woken up by someone wanting some of your blood, or to take you up or down a floor for a test, or to give you a blowjob or whatever. So you get used to the fact that you're taking naps: you're never actually sleeping. Anyway, I was idly twiddling her nipple through her scrubs while she chewed on my ear, and I happened to praise the hospital's cable TV system, and joked that it'd be great if you could order movies over the little TVs. In a husky but attentive and compassionate voice, she said "Well, we used to have HBO or Showtime or something, but a lot of the heart monitors would start going off around midnight or so because of the naked programs. So we had to get rid of it. Ooh, keep doing that."
At the nursing station, they have screens where they can see all the readouts from all the heart monitors hooked up to patients on that floor. I could just imagine the whole thing lighting up when something like "Bedtime Stories" or "Sexy Suzie's Steamy Sauna 2" came on.
I have no idea if she was telling the truth, but that makes me laugh to this day. Anyway, yeah, HOT MEDICAL ACTION.
2. WOULD YOU BANG YOUR NEIGHBOR?
This is all about honesty, isn't it? Okay. Answer: why yes, I would! Nothing like living next to a family with two very attractive and totally unattainable daughters whom I've wanted to bang since high school. Did I mention one of them was homecoming queen? Let's hear it for awkwardness and insecurity!
3. WHO HAVE YOU TALKED TO THE MOST TODAY?
It's a tie between myself and my cats.
4. HONESTLY, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR?
There's that damn honesty thing again. You want actual numbers? Can't do it. I will say that I in fact have feelings for many people, ranging from silly crush-lust and aching fondness to extreme revulsion and evil death mind rays!
5. GOOD ADVICE IF YOU EVER GO CAMPING?
Get a hotel room!
6. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE YOUR NAME OR YOUR SIBLING'S NAME?
No siblings to speak of, but that's okay, I rather like my name. Though it took me a long time to grow into, if that makes sense.
7. WHAT IS YOUR RINGTONE?
Kraftwerk's "Trans-Europe Express". Admit it, my geekiness turns you on.
8. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM FRIENDS?
Ah, how sneaky! Opening with the plot-driven porno and then plummeting to this banal pop culture shit! Well, I would have to say: nobody! Not a single one of those trendy, oh-aren't-we-neurotic-and-complicated, backstabbing fucks were appealing to me at all! Did the series finale involve the destruction of their building with a spiked wrecking ball coated with anthrax? No? What a fucking shame.
9. ARE YOU A LOST FANATIC?
No, sir, I am not! They're lost, it's weird, okay, I get it. When is the dumb island going to be swallowed by a sea monster already? END IT.
10. DO YOU READ TRASHY ROMANCE NOVELS?
No, I don't! What exactly the fuck is wrong with you?
11. PHYSICS OR CHEMISTRY?
Both! Lacking one or the other would make this existing thing really difficult.
12. HARRY POTTER, LORD OF THE RINGS OR STAR WARS?
Damn. You stumped me. Going to have to say Star Wars. Yes, the prequels were atrocious, but the original trilogy defined so much of my generation's pop culture mythology, it's hard to let it go. The Harry Potter films are fun, though I couldn't care less about the books. The LotR films are the new Star Wars trilogy, as far as I'm concerned... but Star Wars captured me when I was too young to strike back. Ha, ha! See what I did there?
13. BATMAN, SPIDERMAN OR SUPERMAN?
After watching Batman Begins and seeing the trailers for The Dark Knight... it's the goddamned Batman. Superman will always have a special place in my heart because of Christopher Reeve and because I'm secretly a huge sap. The best thing about Spiderman was when Todd McFarlane did the art back in the early 90s.
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE?
It's a toss-up between the original Fantasia and The Lion King.
15. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO HEAR YOU CRY?
Wow. I think the last two times I cried, I was alone at home. Let's just say that several people have watched or listened to me break down several times in the past year and leave it at that. See, this is a sneaky meme.
16. WHAT DOES THE TENTH TEXT MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY?
"Thank you, good sir, that means a lot."
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TEXT MESSAGE YOU HAVE ON YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW?
One I have saved from the first week of December, from a dear friend.
18. WERE YOU AN HONOR STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Nope! I could've been if I'd applied myself more! Fuck you very much, thanks!
19. WHAT IS TO YOUR LEFT?
My backpack.
20. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR?
Quote Aerosmith lyrics and twitch.
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PUSHED INTO A POOL WITH ALL YOUR CLOTHES ON?
No, thank God. In my world, that's grounds for justifiable homicide.
22. LAST PERSON YOU COMMENTED ON MYSPACE?
Kristen, I think.
23. LAST WALL YOU POSTED TO ON FACEBOOK?
Facebook does not know me, and I do not know Facebook.
24. WOULD YOU RATHER DIE IN A FIRE OR GET SHOT?
Shoot me. Get the fucker over with. Asphyxiation? Smoke inhalation? Burning to death? I'm not keen on that, and it's just going to take forever. Granted, dying from massive blood loss and trauma could possibly take a while, too, but... gee, you're upbeat.
25. DO YOU TWIRL YOUR SPAGHETTI OR CUT IT?
I do both. You know, in the future, if I do get shot and manage to survive, I'm going to have myself a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
26. WOULD YOU CONSIDER ADOPTION?
Yes. When it comes right down to it, if I ever did have children, I'd want to adopt. I don't want to pass on my screwed-up genes and run the risk of my son or daughter going through what I have. Maybe they won't look like me, but at least their kidneys'll work.
27. IF SOMEONE LIKED YOU RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO TELL YOU?
Sure.
28. DO YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE?
Sure. I can also channel Trent Reznor if you want.
29. WOULD YOU RATHER DO BATTLE AGAINST ROBOTS OR ZOMBIES?
Hmm. Are we talking Transformers or something like that goofy little Nintendo robot from waaaaaay back in the day? I'd flatten that little son of a bitch. Zombies, though, well, I'd be munching brains pretty quickly, I'm afraid.
30. DOES EVERY FAMILY HAVE A CRAZY UNCLE?
Statistically... this is a dumb question. Does MY family have a crazy uncle? Not that I know of, but then again, I unfortunately don't know many of my relatives that well.
31. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LAST IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 MONTHS WITHOUT CHEATING?
3 months? Oh gosh, how could anyone? I'd just have to get out there and fuck someone new! (Short answer: yes. What's the fucking point of having a relationship?)
32. HOW MANY LETTERS ARE IN YOUR LAST NAME?
Seven.
33. WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ LAST?
"Old Man's War", by John Scalzi. Great book, lots of fun. Not as good as Haldeman's "The Forever War", IMHO, but definitely a wild ride.
34. WOULD YOU BELIEVE YOUR EX IF HE/SHE SAID THEY LOVED YOU?
Yeah, probably. I'm gullible like that.
35. MOST HATED FOOD?
Brussel sprouts.
36. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
No idea.
37. HOW DO YOU VENT ANGER?
With writing. Also with screaming.
38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DOG BREED?
I've always liked border collies. Wouldn't be able to handle one, but I think they're beautiful animals.
39. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON IM?
I haven't used an IM client since last year, I think. Man, how anticlimactic was that?