Ted, alone

Sep 28, 2008 13:06

I can't really explain why it's happened, but I have decided to drop TG.

Nothing different happened. He paid me pretty much the same kind and level of attention. I felt singled out a few times, and felt comfortable. But it wasn't enough. Maybe it's because the whole thing feels stagnated. I can get to this point in a relationship pretty easily. It's getting past this stage that I simply cannot do. I wanted something more than what I managed to get. For a long time, I didn't know why and I blamed the world for getting stuck.

Then D said, "You have to know what it is you want, then it will come."

And suddenly, it made perfect sense. I don't know what I want. I had danced around that realization for quite a while, putting it off and giving it little importance. Now, though, I think maybe it is important.

I tell myself I want a relationship, but the thought of a serious relationship baffles me on one hand, and terrifies me on the other. I can't see myself trusting a guy enough to believe he really cares about me. There are too many doubts in my mind - about guys' abilities to actually feel for me the way I have felt about them, about my ability to be myself when it matters instead of pretending to be what I think they want me to be. I'm afraid to open up enough for it to be serious. I'm afraid I'll be used, or tricked and laughed at afterward. And then I'd be crushed.

If I offer the real me and it is rejected, could I deal with that? It's easier to offer a facade. That rejection can be rationalized not to hurt so much.

So the first step is to be me, in a take it or leave it kind of way. In a for-myself way. And in an alone way.

Having friends is different from having a boyfriend. It's a completely different kind of affection. I'm not talking about being alone by shutting myself off from friends and social settings. I'm talking about being me, without a guy, and not looking for a guy.

Of course, I still want a relationship. But I am tired of feeling like I am the only one trying, of feeling like I am serving as an ego boost more than anything else. I don't want to be one of many. I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to be ignored, or overlooked, or back-up, or an after-thought. I don't want to feel small or stupid. So I know what I don't want.

Now, I will be Ted Alone until I find out what it is that I want.

relationship drivel, getting it out of my system, domestic adventures

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