Thoughts
Ya know...
This will be a "rant"..or just thoughts..so if you are only here for shiz and giggles, might as well turn away! I write this for myself and for anyone who's interested. Namely Anita I guess. Doesn't really matter.
As is typical for me. I write when I'm sad, mad, upset, scared, bored. All the wrong reasons I think.
Well..I guess I gotta start somewhere. Life is like a fairytale. At least that's what some people try to think of it as. The "gods" will protect us as long as we believe in them. Fate & Destiny will save us depending on our character. The hero always wins, the villains always lose (in some way or another). But we all know thats not true. It doesnt work like that. No matter how strong our character is, there will always be someone or something to weaken us. Deter us from our hopes and goals.
Whether you believe in God, Science, Fate or Destiny, something will always block you from reaching your goal. It doesnt matter which path you choose, something will always be in the way.
I always thought the car accident I was in (read a trillion posts back) would make me a better person. Colors were more colorful, life had more meaning. It was a chance to start new again, to erase my past and just start as a new person. I'd like to think I have given it my all but when it really comes down to it, my all just isn't good enough. I wussed out when life was tough. I tried to kill myself because my mom thought I was a failure as a boyfriend. Funny hey? Me care how my mom thinks of me? Guess now I'm a momma's boy or something. Believe it or not, whether you are a strong person or not, you need someone to believe in you. It doesnt matter who or why, but you need it. At that point in my life, I really only had one person but even then I felt she didnt believe in me. I felt she just loved me because I was "someone". You know, those relationships that last only because you are afraid you wont find someone else. Thats how i felt during my first depression.
So I tried to kill myself. Woops, obviously didnt work. Spent time at the hospital, with psychiatrists...even tried their drugs to make me feel "normal" again. Hmm..well I'm writing here...somethings obviously still wrong. I feel far from normal than I ever felt before.
I told myself that again, another chance to fix my wrongs. To be a better person than I was before. But woops, it didnt work. Im still the same failure I was 2 years ago when I tried to kill myself.
My girlfriend Anita, is the most loving girl I've ever met. She's a sweet-heart and she treats me like a King. Ever since I met her I knew there was something for us, together. When she asks me if I love her, all I have to say is "I love you as much as I can. I dont know what love is, but I think I love you". Now what kind of an answer is that? Can someone tell me how I should feel? I feel "normal" like she belongs with me. I dont feel anything extra. Sometimes I get butterflies when I think about her, but only sometimes.
Then there's the days where she just wants to be with me, but I'm not in the mood. She cries and I get angry with myself. I hurt her and I dont even know what I did wrong. I just wanted to be left alone, or I wasnt "in the mood". I dont get mad at her, but I withdraw into myself. Thoughts of suicide come and go with the wind. Thoughts of actually apologizing for this unknown fault comes..but then I tell myself, thats stupid, there's not any reason to apologize.
Hell, now's a perfect time. I dont feel sorry for myself, but I feel sorry for her. I asked her to stop (she was flirting a lot but it was just getting overwhelming so I asked her to stop (in one word or another). It upset her, I got upset cuz she left and again..my emotions withdraw into some unknown abyss. Is the accident at fault? Apparent fractures are known to cause apathy, depression, sudden fits of anger. I've experienced them all and its a very common thing in my life, but sometimes I also get the happy spurts. I feel overwhelming joy to know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a girl I (think)I love! (I do love her, but do I really know what it is)She stands behind me right now, taking some medicine of some sort. Mad at me because she feels rejected. I dont have the courage to say I'm sorry..I can barely look at her. All I want to do is cry. I want to cry because i'm weak and I dont know how to treat her the way she deserves.
Its a moment where I wonder if my life is worth living. Wouldn't she be happier without me. Maybe she can find someone who knows how to treat a girl? I dont really do anything wrong...but I also dont do anything right. I just dont do. I'm apathetic as it gets. I have no emotions. People make fun of me, sure i get a sadness for a moment but it goes away, I dont care. Anita's crying because I accidently hurt her (emotionally). I dont see where or what, but she's crying and I'm mad at her for causing a problem. I know i'm not wrong, im almost certain she isnt wrong either. But I dont feel anything. A bit of anger, but mostly again withdrawn!
What is it? Did i really hit my head to hard in the accident? If so, is there treatment? Would anyone believe me even if i told them? Probably not.
So where do I go from here. "New Years Resolution" spend more time with Anita, try and 'care' more about things. ANYTHING ...really..just anything. If you insult her to my face or make fun of her. I'll probably fucking kill you. Words typed on a keyboard will only make me laugh if that is your insult. It would have to be face to face. Tell me she isnt worth my effort. Again, expect to fight me or at least lose my respect. Tell me she's just using me and I'll tell you she's better than anyone else I've ever known.
So lets backtrack. I'll stand up for her honour? Her pride? But only if someone else threatens her. Here I am threatening her/our relationship and I wont lift a finger! Sure I care about her. But whats going on? Why dont I feel that compassion that every other guy has when he makes his girlfriend cry, or when he sees her crying. Why dont i know what to do when all she needs is a hug, I KNOW that..but when it comes time, i've suddenly forgotten everything. I know a hug will make it better, but soemthing inside me says "stay away".
I'm ruining my life by not acting. I'm ruining it by not showing love. I've never really shown love tho have i? No..just lust...i've lusted after a few girls in my time, but it was all pre-accident lifetime.
I'm lost, I have no breadcrumbs to follow. Everytime I see one it disappears when I try and follow it. I'm trapped in my own mind. Something tells me just giving up would work...butw ould it? If i give up I hurt her, I cant bear to hurt her. Hard to believe if you knew me, but I cant. There's aline to draw. I have morales and I know "leaving" her would be too much for both of us. I dont want to leave her. I want to leave everything. I want nothingness again. That week in the hospital where nothing existed. Those tens of minutes, lost in blackness from cracking my skull in the car accident. Completely peaceful. No worries. No hardships. No cares. Nothing. Its what I'm comprised of at least 50-70 percent of my conscious hours.
I dont want it to be that way but it is. Nobody understands me. I can explain to everyone what I am thinking and feeling. but it doesnt make sense. Everyone says "its all in your head. You can get over it, you just gotta try". Well hello, i've been trying for over 2 years. Its not working.
To add to my problems, people at work think i'm a sucky worker. Im ragged on by this one guy constantly about how slow I am. How I cant remember things when I should have and how I am a "slacker". Well, this whole time im thinking im doing a good job, everyone else thinks I'm not trying. It hurts. Again I feel like a failure. I cant hold a job, and if i can i cant do it well. I cant hold a relationship, and again if I can I dont do it well.
I liked to draw, but I cant do it (well). I like computers, but when I see the other people at school (college), I really am not doing that well.
You know, you can say all you want about how good or bad I am, as many times as you want. But it only takes one single time of sayin how bad someone is at something, or at least realizing how bad you are at something to really set you back 1000 paces. Just one time. Everytime thereafter, just multiplies it.
Back to my mind tho. I dont understand life. I cant comprehend things I should. I dont keep my girlfriend happy and I'm a lousy friend. I'm known as "mean uncle kenny" to my niece and nephew (for good reason lol). I just suck.
Sure, i'm a nice guy, but what does that get me? It gets me made fun of at school. Picked on by the guys cuz i dont like to talk about sex 24/7. I have morales and I stick to them, whats left of them. I have pride and I'll stand up for it.
Bleh..my minds a mess. I just want it all to end.
Oh and to Anita, thanks for being there for me all the time. Sorry for making you cry all the time and I wish I was a better person. Sorry for not being the guy I should be to you. I really mean it. I know I can be better but I cant. Dont ask how to explain that, it cant be explained. No this isnt a suicide note and no i dont want u to get upset over it. Yes i'd like everything to jsut go away but no dont worry about me.
This is all in my head Anita, its always there lurking behind every happy thought. I'ma failure.. My friends are all better at everything than I am (proven fact..sorry). I just suck. I wish I didnt but I do and im sad because of it. I want to watch a sad movie to cry just to have a reason to. I want to do what you want me to do just so there isnt this sad feeling, but I cant. I want everything to go back to when I was a small child and didnt have to worry about these grown up things.
Thats all I can say.. I've repeated myself many times and there isnt no end to my jumbled thoughts. I just want it to all go away and I love you Anita.
Thats all, Thanks for listening.
Ken
This will be a "rant"..or just thoughts..so if you are only here for shiz and giggles, might as well turn away! I write this for myself and for anyone who's interested. Namely Anita I guess. Doesn't really matter.
As is typical for me. I write when I'm sad, mad, upset, scared, bored. All the wrong reasons I think.
Well..I guess I gotta start somewhere. Life is like a fairytale. At least that's what some people try to think of it as. The "gods" will protect us as long as we believe in them. Fate & Destiny will save us depending on our character. The hero always wins, the villains always lose (in some way or another). But we all know thats not true. It doesnt work like that. No matter how strong our character is, there will always be someone or something to weaken us. Deter us from our hopes and goals.
Whether you believe in God, Science, Fate or Destiny, something will always block you from reaching your goal. It doesnt matter which path you choose, something will always be in the way.
I always thought the car accident I was in (read a trillion posts back) would make me a better person. Colors were more colorful, life had more meaning. It was a chance to start new again, to erase my past and just start as a new person. I'd like to think I have given it my all but when it really comes down to it, my all just isn't good enough. I wussed out when life was tough. I tried to kill myself because my mom thought I was a failure as a boyfriend. Funny hey? Me care how my mom thinks of me? Guess now I'm a momma's boy or something. Believe it or not, whether you are a strong person or not, you need someone to believe in you. It doesnt matter who or why, but you need it. At that point in my life, I really only had one person but even then I felt she didnt believe in me. I felt she just loved me because I was "someone". You know, those relationships that last only because you are afraid you wont find someone else. Thats how i felt during my first depression.
So I tried to kill myself. Woops, obviously didnt work. Spent time at the hospital, with psychiatrists...even tried their drugs to make me feel "normal" again. Hmm..well I'm writing here...somethings obviously still wrong. I feel far from normal than I ever felt before.
I told myself that again, another chance to fix my wrongs. To be a better person than I was before. But woops, it didnt work. Im still the same failure I was 2 years ago when I tried to kill myself.
My girlfriend Anita, is the most loving girl I've ever met. She's a sweet-heart and she treats me like a King. Ever since I met her I knew there was something for us, together. When she asks me if I love her, all I have to say is "I love you as much as I can. I dont know what love is, but I think I love you". Now what kind of an answer is that? Can someone tell me how I should feel? I feel "normal" like she belongs with me. I dont feel anything extra. Sometimes I get butterflies when I think about her, but only sometimes.
Then there's the days where she just wants to be with me, but I'm not in the mood. She cries and I get angry with myself. I hurt her and I dont even know what I did wrong. I just wanted to be left alone, or I wasnt "in the mood". I dont get mad at her, but I withdraw into myself. Thoughts of suicide come and go with the wind. Thoughts of actually apologizing for this unknown fault comes..but then I tell myself, thats stupid, there's not any reason to apologize.
Hell, now's a perfect time. I dont feel sorry for myself, but I feel sorry for her. I asked her to stop (she was flirting a lot but it was just getting overwhelming so I asked her to stop (in one word or another). It upset her, I got upset cuz she left and again..my emotions withdraw into some unknown abyss. Is the accident at fault? Apparent fractures are known to cause apathy, depression, sudden fits of anger. I've experienced them all and its a very common thing in my life, but sometimes I also get the happy spurts. I feel overwhelming joy to know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a girl I (think)I love! (I do love her, but do I really know what it is)She stands behind me right now, taking some medicine of some sort. Mad at me because she feels rejected. I dont have the courage to say I'm sorry..I can barely look at her. All I want to do is cry. I want to cry because i'm weak and I dont know how to treat her the way she deserves.
Its a moment where I wonder if my life is worth living. Wouldn't she be happier without me. Maybe she can find someone who knows how to treat a girl? I dont really do anything wrong...but I also dont do anything right. I just dont do. I'm apathetic as it gets. I have no emotions. People make fun of me, sure i get a sadness for a moment but it goes away, I dont care. Anita's crying because I accidently hurt her (emotionally). I dont see where or what, but she's crying and I'm mad at her for causing a problem. I know i'm not wrong, im almost certain she isnt wrong either. But I dont feel anything. A bit of anger, but mostly again withdrawn!
What is it? Did i really hit my head to hard in the accident? If so, is there treatment? Would anyone believe me even if i told them? Probably not.
So where do I go from here. "New Years Resolution" spend more time with Anita, try and 'care' more about things. ANYTHING ...really..just anything. If you insult her to my face or make fun of her. I'll probably fucking kill you. Words typed on a keyboard will only make me laugh if that is your insult. It would have to be face to face. Tell me she isnt worth my effort. Again, expect to fight me or at least lose my respect. Tell me she's just using me and I'll tell you she's better than anyone else I've ever known.
So lets backtrack. I'll stand up for her honour? Her pride? But only if someone else threatens her. Here I am threatening her/our relationship and I wont lift a finger! Sure I care about her. But whats going on? Why dont I feel that compassion that every other guy has when he makes his girlfriend cry, or when he sees her crying. Why dont i know what to do when all she needs is a hug, I KNOW that..but when it comes time, i've suddenly forgotten everything. I know a hug will make it better, but soemthing inside me says "stay away".
I'm ruining my life by not acting. I'm ruining it by not showing love. I've never really shown love tho have i? No..just lust...i've lusted after a few girls in my time, but it was all pre-accident lifetime.
I'm lost, I have no breadcrumbs to follow. Everytime I see one it disappears when I try and follow it. I'm trapped in my own mind. Something tells me just giving up would work...butw ould it? If i give up I hurt her, I cant bear to hurt her. Hard to believe if you knew me, but I cant. There's aline to draw. I have morales and I know "leaving" her would be too much for both of us. I dont want to leave her. I want to leave everything. I want nothingness again. That week in the hospital where nothing existed. Those tens of minutes, lost in blackness from cracking my skull in the car accident. Completely peaceful. No worries. No hardships. No cares. Nothing. Its what I'm comprised of at least 50-70 percent of my conscious hours.
I dont want it to be that way but it is. Nobody understands me. I can explain to everyone what I am thinking and feeling. but it doesnt make sense. Everyone says "its all in your head. You can get over it, you just gotta try". Well hello, i've been trying for over 2 years. Its not working.
To add to my problems, people at work think i'm a sucky worker. Im ragged on by this one guy constantly about how slow I am. How I cant remember things when I should have and how I am a "slacker". Well, this whole time im thinking im doing a good job, everyone else thinks I'm not trying. It hurts. Again I feel like a failure. I cant hold a job, and if i can i cant do it well. I cant hold a relationship, and again if I can I dont do it well.
I liked to draw, but I cant do it (well). I like computers, but when I see the other people at school (college), I really am not doing that well.
You know, you can say all you want about how good or bad I am, as many times as you want. But it only takes one single time of sayin how bad someone is at something, or at least realizing how bad you are at something to really set you back 1000 paces. Just one time. Everytime thereafter, just multiplies it.
Back to my mind tho. I dont understand life. I cant comprehend things I should. I dont keep my girlfriend happy and I'm a lousy friend. I'm known as "mean uncle kenny" to my niece and nephew (for good reason lol). I just suck.
Sure, i'm a nice guy, but what does that get me? It gets me made fun of at school. Picked on by the guys cuz i dont like to talk about sex 24/7. I have morales and I stick to them, whats left of them. I have pride and I'll stand up for it.
Bleh..my minds a mess. I just want it all to end.
Oh and to Anita, thanks for being there for me all the time. Sorry for making you cry all the time and I wish I was a better person. Sorry for not being the guy I should be to you. I really mean it. I know I can be better but I cant. Dont ask how to explain that, it cant be explained. No this isnt a suicide note and no i dont want u to get upset over it. Yes i'd like everything to jsut go away but no dont worry about me.
This is all in my head Anita, its always there lurking behind every happy thought. I'ma failure.. My friends are all better at everything than I am (proven fact..sorry). I just suck. I wish I didnt but I do and im sad because of it. I want to watch a sad movie to cry just to have a reason to. I want to do what you want me to do just so there isnt this sad feeling, but I cant. I want everything to go back to when I was a small child and didnt have to worry about these grown up things.
Thats all I can say.. I've repeated myself many times and there isnt no end to my jumbled thoughts. I just want it to all go away and I love you Anita.
Thats all, Thanks for listening.
Ken