Bah
Bah, Im fantasitcally blerg today. Am having a couple days break from PhD reading cos Im sick of readign about sex and femininism, its doing my head in. I really want to get out of Manchester but Mark is ill, didnt really seem to want to go to Huddersfield anyway. I want to go to Newcastle but if I just eff off he will be suspect. So Im stuck here, in this crap-hole flat. I had a couple of gigs at the weekend, one I was dreading because last time I encountered the other performers they made me feel bad about myself, not purposefully but they are thin and good dancers and all glam and I am none of those things. So I was pleasantly surprised to find them friendly and thought my performances went down well, I felt in control of how well I performed and thought I did well. I had the acts filmed cos I needed footage, got it back last night. I was horrified by how enormous I looked. Its so scary, I really didnt think i looked like that in the mirror. It makes me feel so out of control, I actually thought I had lost a bit of weight, I have been drinking less and exercising every day, I still fit in all my clothes the same way but on these vids I mayaswell have been four sizes bigger than what my clothes are. It just makes me not want to bother dieting or being healthy. The way I viewed the performances was marred by this, and I could still see some ways I couldve done better. I complained a bit and Mark said he had seen me perform better. This annoyed me because I was FINALLY feeling that I was getting in control of how I performed, and though I can think of a couple of times the act has gone as well, I cant think of when it has necessarily gone better. And Mark could not offer me specifics which I found unhelpful- what is the point in offering criticism if you cant back it up with constructive examples? All I can take from that is that I wasnt as good as I thought; so all my confidence about finally taking control of all that is shook, and I dont have any information about how or why I could do better, that I can use constructively. I feel very hurt by that still this morning- I know he didnt mean it in a bad way but its taken the rug out from underneath me a bit, and that on top of the massive fat videos has got me feeling lame and angry. Am I seriously supposed to just barely eat in order to be as slim as everyone else seems to be? Thats rubbish.
In other news, I quite like Jedward, they seem sweet. Also, I finally bit the bullet and got a contract phone which is going to be posher than mine and let me have internet. Deeply suspicious of O2 though, it was all going well, then they tried to get me to have a free sim for a close person. I thought it was free and said yes, then they said " so your tariff will be £30" (double what I was going to pay). I then changed my mind adn they got really heavy handed with me, I got pretty annoyed because if I say no 3 times I expect them to shut the eff up. They ended up pretty much hanging up on me, I suspect that they offer the £15 deal with an eye to get people paying double for this second sim, and were mad when I turned it down, but thats not my problem really.
So, not much happening tonight then. Just more sitting in this stupid flat. I feel rather dissatisfied today.
In other news, I quite like Jedward, they seem sweet. Also, I finally bit the bullet and got a contract phone which is going to be posher than mine and let me have internet. Deeply suspicious of O2 though, it was all going well, then they tried to get me to have a free sim for a close person. I thought it was free and said yes, then they said " so your tariff will be £30" (double what I was going to pay). I then changed my mind adn they got really heavy handed with me, I got pretty annoyed because if I say no 3 times I expect them to shut the eff up. They ended up pretty much hanging up on me, I suspect that they offer the £15 deal with an eye to get people paying double for this second sim, and were mad when I turned it down, but thats not my problem really.
So, not much happening tonight then. Just more sitting in this stupid flat. I feel rather dissatisfied today.