(no subject)
so, u didn't check my lj huh Freddy?...lol
I have been so incredibly stupid and I am so mad at myself. I am more angry then I have ever been in my life and can't believe I have wasted so much of my time and emotions on someone so awful. One day I hope he really gets what he has done, but I doubt it will be for many years and I can't believe I wasted my love on someone so unworthy. I am a really good person and I am completely insulted that he refers to me as a bad thing in his life and something that should be cut out when I never did anything majorly wrong. I mean sure I made little mistakes, I am not perfect, but I always tried to be truthful, loving, supportive, helpful, and sweet and above all else untill last week I was still trying to trust him...after everything he has done and all the lies for over a year, I was still trying. I think it is amazing that I was even being there to try in the first place. Yeah I wasn't happy, nor was I gonna act like some stupid fucking girl that doesn't give a fuck cause I do. When I am mad or hurt or untrusting I say it...and if I am saying it there is a major problem (and for obvious reasons if u have read any of my past posts where I have mentioned only a few of the things that have been done to me recently in passing)then and it should be adressed as to make me more comfortable, just as I would expect anyone else to do with me...even friends I expect to talk to me and tell me what they want. Thats how relationships work, if there are problems they should be adressed and solved and sometimes if one person is at fault then they need to pay the price, so I am also incredibly mad that Freddy dipped out on that too. I didn't even have a chance to get over anything or even to make him see just how horrible he had made me feel cause I couldn't get him to see me enough (too focused on himself). I never tried to get back at him, I don't have the heart for it, but I deserved to at least have him realize how much he really hurt me, and I wish for even 5 minutes he could feel all the hurt and mistrust and hope and love I have felt for over a year for him...just so he could understand. I deserve my time...I have been so lied to for so long and I should have listened to Kathleen and Steph and everyone else and gotten out a long time ago.
I have been so incredibly stupid and I am so mad at myself. I am more angry then I have ever been in my life and can't believe I have wasted so much of my time and emotions on someone so awful. One day I hope he really gets what he has done, but I doubt it will be for many years and I can't believe I wasted my love on someone so unworthy. I am a really good person and I am completely insulted that he refers to me as a bad thing in his life and something that should be cut out when I never did anything majorly wrong. I mean sure I made little mistakes, I am not perfect, but I always tried to be truthful, loving, supportive, helpful, and sweet and above all else untill last week I was still trying to trust him...after everything he has done and all the lies for over a year, I was still trying. I think it is amazing that I was even being there to try in the first place. Yeah I wasn't happy, nor was I gonna act like some stupid fucking girl that doesn't give a fuck cause I do. When I am mad or hurt or untrusting I say it...and if I am saying it there is a major problem (and for obvious reasons if u have read any of my past posts where I have mentioned only a few of the things that have been done to me recently in passing)then and it should be adressed as to make me more comfortable, just as I would expect anyone else to do with me...even friends I expect to talk to me and tell me what they want. Thats how relationships work, if there are problems they should be adressed and solved and sometimes if one person is at fault then they need to pay the price, so I am also incredibly mad that Freddy dipped out on that too. I didn't even have a chance to get over anything or even to make him see just how horrible he had made me feel cause I couldn't get him to see me enough (too focused on himself). I never tried to get back at him, I don't have the heart for it, but I deserved to at least have him realize how much he really hurt me, and I wish for even 5 minutes he could feel all the hurt and mistrust and hope and love I have felt for over a year for him...just so he could understand. I deserve my time...I have been so lied to for so long and I should have listened to Kathleen and Steph and everyone else and gotten out a long time ago.