Масштабное гонево. Местами смешно. Местами непереводимо, поэтому в оригинале.
Война Первого Контакта произошла, когда Чак Норрис и Гаррус Вакариан не поделили сферы влияния. И знаете что?.. Что-то в XXII веке не слышно про Норриса.
*C-Sec labels anyone attacking Garrus Vakarian as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
*Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1GVHs (Garrus Vakarian Headshot)
*Garrus Vakarian does not sleep. He waits.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
*If you can see Garrus Vakarian, he can see you. If you can't see Garrus Vakarian you may be only seconds away from death.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Garrus Vakarian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Garrus Vakarian, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Garrus Vakarian is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his sniper and assault rifles.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
*Once a varren threatened to eat Garrus Vakarain. Garrus showed the varren his fist and the varren proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
*If Garrus is late, time better slow the fuck down.
*The only reason the Reapers are called the Reapers is because "Garrus Vakarian" was already taken.
*Garrus Vakarian frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
*Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Garrus Vakarian destroyed the periodic table, because Garrus Vakarian only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Garrus Vakarian was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of species that Garrus Vakarian allows to live.
*Garrus Vakarian once shot down a dreadnought class warship with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
*You can't search for Garrus Vakarian on the extranet because it knows you don't find Garrus Vakarian, he finds you.
*Garrus Vakarian's bullets are so precise, they can fly around the planet and hit Garrus himself in the back of the head.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
*Mouse didn’t wet his pants at the sight of Thane. He saw Garrus first.
*Garrus Vakarian once kicked a baby krogan into puberty.
*When you open a can of whup-ass, Garrus Vakarian pops out.
*Garrus knows what Tali’s face looks like.
*The reapers aren’t stuck in dark space. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy.
*Garrus Vakarian can impregnate women through headbumps alone.
*The keepers weren't bred to take care of the Citadel, they were bred to keep an eye on Garrus Vakarian. They failed.
*Garrus once tried to use an L2 implant, but the implant couldn't handle Garrus Vakarian and it had to be taken out.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
*They named the bridge he held on Omega after Garrus once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.
*Before going after humans, the Collectors tried to take Garrus, but he couldn't be bothered. He was in the middle of some calibrations.
*Kinetic barriers aren't for keeping weapons out, they're for keeping Garrus Vakarian in.
*Garrus Vakarian is so tough that when he goes mountain climbing, he isn't pulling himself up, he's pulling the mountains down.
*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Garrus Vakarian.
*Most people fear the Reapers. Garrus Vakarian considers them "promising rookies".
*Garrus Vakarian headshots don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
*Sovereign's first choice for an organic envoy wasn't Saren, it was Garrus Vakarian; he had to stay away from Garrus Vakarian for fear of being indoctrinated.
*Armistan Banes disappeared from the Mass Effect plotline because when he heard Garrus Vakarian was protecting Dr. Michel, he broke the fourth wall and got the heck out of there.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
*There was no Conduit; Garrus Vakarian was just beaming his brilliant deductions straight into Shepard's brain.
*Garrus Vakarian's eyepiece doesn't really do anything; he just covers one of them out of fairness to everyone else.
*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!
*Garrus Vakarian burns through the shields of Haestrom's sun.
*Some think Palaven is hot. Palaven thinks Garrus Vakarian is hot.
*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't join the Spectres because you can't break all the rules if your job doesn't have any.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't fight the law. He shot it in the back of the head and then went back to business.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't step on toes. Garrus Vakarian steps on necks.
*The last thing you hear before a Garrus Vakarian headshot? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.
*The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst laid plans of Garrus Vakarian go off without a hitch.
*Garrus Vakarian built a better mousetrap. Most people simply can't calibrate it correctly.
*Garrus Vakarian keeps his friends close and his enemies in scope.
*Once you go Garrus, you are physically unable to go back.
*Garrus Vakarian's tears cure Kepral's Syndrome. It's too bad Garrus Vakarian has never cried.
*Executor Pallin died from Garrus Vakarian giving him the finger.
*Garrus Vakarian always has sex on the first date. Always.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he's full.
*After much debate, the Council decided to unleash the genophage on the Krogan rather than the alternative of sending Garrus Vakarian. It was deemed more "humane."
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Prothean experts working outside Council jurisdiction have recently conceded that, were the Reapers to exterminate life in the Galaxy, all that would remain are Vorcha and Garrus Vakarian.
*Saying "Garrus Vakarian" three time makes your head explode from pure awesome.
*When Turians want honor they pray to the spirits. When they want anything else they pray to Garrus.
*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.
*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
*If Garrus was to sneeze, the planet he is on would explode.
*Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Omega-4 Relay.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Garrus Vakarian has two speeds: walk and kill.
*Why don't you see any female Turians in Mass Effect? They're all waiting for Garrus Vakarian to call them back.
*Garrus Vakarian can pleasure krogan women simply by showing them his scars.
*Why do krogan have 4 testicles? So they'd feel slightly less inferior to Garrus Vakarian
*Some call the coming of the Reapers an "apocalypse." Garrus Vakarian calls it "practice."
*Garrus Vakarian had all his internal organs removed because they were "just slowing him down."
*Garrus Vakarian once ate five entire pots of Sergeant Gardner's calamari gumbo in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with Crewman Goldstein.
*Garrus Vakarian once sniped a man so hard, his body went back in time and hit the ground five minutes earlier.
*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate a gun so well, it needs a cigarette afterward.
*Saren only killed himself so he'd be spared the wrath of Garrus Vakarian
*Garrus Vakarian was actually on the ground when the Virmire nuke went off. He later complained things felt too drafty.
*Garrus Vakarian's favorite store on the Citadel, is himself. He dishes out pain at unbelievable prices.
*Death came to see Garrus after the rocket incident and said his time had come. Garrus looked at Death and said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
*Blind people aren't blind, they just scared of making eye contact with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.
*70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Garrus Vakarian's weight is his malehood.
*Khalisah Al-Jilani was actually thankful it was Shepherd who punched her. If it had been Garrus Vakarian, she'd be dead.
*Harbinger thought about making a turian Reaper instead of a human one, but then remembered there was already Garrus Vakarian.
*When Saren learned Commander Shepherd was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with him, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't care. Even if it was a one armed man who killed your wife and not you.
*The Citadel once had six arms instead of five. Then there was a little incident involving Garrus Vakarian...
*They say you can't make something out of nothing. Garrus Vakarian can make EVERYTHING out of nothing.
*Tali later discovered Haestrom's sun was getting so hot because it saw Garrus Vakarian without a shirt on.
*A man once claimed Garrus Vakarian attempted to headshot him, but it was promptly dismissed as false - Garrus Vakarian never misses.
*Garrus Vakarian is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Kids piss their name in snow. Garrus Vakarian pisses his name in concrete.
*Garrus Vakarian visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just "the islands"
*Garrus Vakarian's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian once won "Connect 4" in 3 moves.
*Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.
*Garrus Vakarian can slam revolving doors.
*Garrus Vakarian doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the info he wants.
*Death once had "a near Garrus Vakarian experience"
*Babies cry because they know they just entered a world with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booyah”.
*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Garrus Vakarian.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with Commander Shepard.
*Garrus Vakarian cannot feel pain. He can only inflict it.
*Garrus Vakarian does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Garrus Vakarian goes killing.
*After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Garrus Vakarian that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Garrus Vakarian's computer. Garrus Vakarian is always in control.
*Garrus Vakarian actually was a love interest in Mass Effect 1. He just rocked your world so hard, you can't remember.
*Garrus Vakarian can make you orgasm... WITH HIS MIND.
Commander Shepard doesn't really sleep with Garrus Vakarian, she started that rumor to scare away the Reapers.
Cerberus rebulit Shepard only so that she could get Garrus Vakarian to join the mission.
The Turian Counciller has dismissed Garrus Vakarian. He is just too awesome to be real.
Garrus Vakarian has never popped a heatsink he didn't like.
Garrus Vakarian caused the Great Rift on Klendagon when he sniped a Reaper.
Everyone considered destroying the Collector base a suicide mission. For Garrus Vakarian, it was just a Tuesday.
While Shepard was knocked out in Arrival, Garrus Vakarian killed 305,000 batarians. Then he let Shepard destoy the evidence.
Some gods don't like the idea of genetic manipulation. They're afraid of "playing Garrus Vakarian".
Garrus Vakarian broke the #1 rule on Omega...and Aria LOVED it.
Garrus Vakarian doesn't just shoot you...he shoots your soul.
'The Game' just lost Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian had sex with an Ardat-Yakshi the Ardat-Yakshi died
Garrus Vakarian got an Asari pregnat one time......the child was a boy
Garrus Vakarian does not embrace eternity instead eternity embraces Garrus Vakarian
Garrus Vakarian can divide by zero
Garrus Vakarian knows the meaning of life
The laws of the universe bend to Harbinger, the laws of Harbinger bend to Garrus Vakarian
*When Garrus tells you, ''It's not you, it's me'', it really is you...
Garrus Vakarian only needs mass relays to get across the galaxy because his biotic charge would send him into dark space.
Garrus Vakarian was ment to be the player character for Uncharted, Resistance, Halo, Bioshock and Gears of War but the game developers realised he was too epic
Garrus always breaks the rules, he then makes his own and breaks them as well because he can.
Garrus came out of mother's womb already wearing his visor.
When Zaeed and Garrus both go on a mission, Garrus is the only one who makes it out alive.
Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space, because Garrus' mother was a respectable woman.
Garrus Vakarian once missed his target. The bullet then hit a batarian terrorist and a krogan drug lord. Garrus Vakarian doesn't make mistakes.
The leading anti-bacterial soap can kill 99.9% of germs. Garrus Vakarian can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
Garrus once punched a female turian in the face. They later had sex.
Garrus vakarian disfigured his face so he could give Shepard more of a shot with the ladies... he ended up attracting more.
Garrus is so awesome that lore depicts him as a duel-wielding turian that flies even though he didn't do either of these things.
That wasn't the thanix cannon that tore the collector ship in half, Garrus just sneezed.
There was an option to just send garrus in alone to do the entire suicide mission for you but he's too much of a team player .
The reaper battle will only be 10 minutes long in ME3 because Garrus spent most the last game secretly calibrating a reaper virus. That means the rest of the game will 30 + hours of having conversations with Garrus, you're welcome Shepard.
The seekers get paralyzed if they sting Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian wasn't knocked out by that table. He just needed some sleep, and when he saw the Shadow Broker he realised his assistance is unnecessary. Besides, that table was quite warm.
Garrus Vakarian invented the Cipher, but he didn’t tell anyone, so he could kill the Thorian.
Garrus Vakarian once studied the Keepers. After that, the Keepers developed a suicide mechanism based on destroying all internal organs with acid, just to protect them from such terrible experience happening again.
Garrus Vakarian composed the elevator music.
Some Tresher Maws were once tricked to come to a planet an SOS signal was transmited from. Some time after, a research team found them dead. It turned out, that they were all killed by Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian judged Tela Vasir. She died in terrible pain.
Garrus is quite amazed with Thane, because he never managed to do a neck snap without ripping the head off.
Garrus can digest levo-amino food.
The Alpha Relay didn't explode because of the asteroid that was rammed into it. It exploded because Garrus Vakarian used Overload on it.
Garrus Vakarian built a mass relay out of duct tape.
Garrus Vakarian taught Thane to necksnap Krogan.
Garrus Vakarian only holds a sniper rifle for the feel, the bullets are willed into existence.
If Garrus Vakarian died on your suicide mission, your save file is automatically deleted if you attempt to import it to ME3.
Garrus Vakarian doesn't do anything for a Klondike Bar.
Garrus Vakarian makes the Old Spice guy feel inadequate
Garrus Vakarian has files on Shadow Broker.
The Elcor don't prefix their dialog with emotive statement when speaking to Garrus Vakarian. The presence of Garrus Vakarian arouses dread only.
In first years of his service, Garrus played "Who has more testicles" with a Krogan warlord and lost. Fortunately he won next two rounds, and round one of "Who is alive" a while after.
Kai Leng once killed six turians and a Krogan with a knife. Not to be outdone, Garrus Vakarian smashed Kai Leng's head in with a toaster and beat him to death with his own skull. Seven times.
All Garrus' dialog options are Renegade interrupts. Garrus Vakarian's Renegade interrupts are headshots.
Seal Team 6 infiltrated Osama Bin Laden's hideout and found him dead on the floor with a note that said "You're welcome. - Garrus Vakarian"
Before they hired the Old Spice Guy, Old Spice originally asked Garrus Vakarian to be in their commercials. Unfortunately, he was in the middle of some calibrations.
Rage is a hell of an anesthetic. It lets you survive a gunshot to the face. Being Garrus Vakarian is an even better anesthetic. It lets you survive a being blown up by a rocket.
Garrus Vakarian can tell Han Solo the odds.
Garrus normaly uses a Thanix cannon for missions on food, but after 3 Day it was him too boring so he changed to Machinegun
If Garrus goes into the plaguezone, he doesn´t get ill. The plague gets Garrus... and all others died
Garrus called him self Archangel, cuz if he called him Garrus Vakarian...no merc had come
Garrus mix Forvan poison with Ryncol every morning...just to brush his teeth.
Sovereign only attacks the Citatel, cuz he heard Garrus left C-Sec
Garrus came into a bar...no survivors
Legion wanted to infiltrate the Normandy S2...after noticed Garrus on ship...he invented a story about heretics...just to save his own neck.
Garrus is the only one who can be shot in the stomage...survive, and look damn good at it!
Garrus can´t be loyal... After his mission Shepard is loyal to him
On Kasumis Greybox, stand the same sentence like on Jessy, Talis suit, Mirandas ass, EDIs VI core and the OMEGA 4 Portal..."calibrated by Garrus"
If Garrus miss... he only wants to shot the eye out of that god damn squirrel on the Planat behind...
Garrus teaches the techno turians his moves
Why is there no Squad fight scene with Garrus, like Miranda/Jack or Tali/Legion?...C´mon...you know the answer
Garrus Vakarian can bend adamantium.
A telepath's head explodes from pure awesomeness if they tried to read Garrus' mind.
Garrus Vakarian knows where the Illusive Man lives, he's just too busy calibrating.
The first Reaper was an unsuccessful attempt to clone Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian had to calibrate his sniper rifles so his headshots were less powerful. He had decided the universe had enough black holes.
Garrus Vakarian has to calibrate a lot because everyone complained his improvements on the weapons and armor were too strong for them.
Garrus Vakarian keeps saying he needs to calibrate stuff whenever Shepard talks to him because otherwise he`d expose Shepard too much to his awesomeness - which is deadly.
Garrus didn`t become a Specter because they felt that title would be below him.
Unlike most Turians, Garrus Vakarian does not have dextro-amino acid-based DNA. He has Garrus-based DNA, making him immune to all disease and killing anything that comes into contact with his fluids.
Garrus Vakarian once blew up a star in Batarian space by blinking at it. When the Batarians told him "You can't do that!" he blinked, they blew up, and he went back to his calibrations.
Sovereign has hidden himself inside the citadel to escape from Garrus Vakarian
Saren shoots himself in the head rather than fight Garrus Vakarian
Garrus Vakarian has live thresher maws for breakfast
Garrus Vakarian takes direct control of Harbinger
Garrus Vakarian knows Harbinger feels this
If Shepard doesn't get to Garrus Vakarian soon, he won't have any Reapers left to kill
Garrus Vakarian does not have kinetic barriers. He emits a field of intimidation so strong that mass effect slugs simply stop.
The combine were orignally going to invade the ME universe until they realised that Garrus Vakarian lived in that universe so they invaded the HL universe instead
The flood cannot infect Garrus Vakarian, Garrus Vakarian infects the flood
Garrus Vakarian always scores perfect headshots, even on enemies that doesn't have any head.
The developers of ME3 tried to nerf him, so the game wouldn't be too easy, but Garrus broke the 4th wall and beat them into submission. The game has now been renamed Vakarian-Effect 3.
The reason Garrus calibrates so much is because it's the only action he can perform that doesn't directly result in someone dying.
Mass Effect hologram technology is "awesome" because Garrus Vakarian calibrated it.
"Wherever Garrus Vakarian stands on the Citadel, that is everybody best spot on the Citadel."
"The Turian Councilor tried to "dismiss" Garrus Vakarian and had his fingers shot off with a single round."
"Matriarch Benezia didn't fight off indoctrination. Garrus Vakarian presence made her forget all about it."
"The Citadel Gun Store owner wanted to name his first born after Shepard, but his wife already named him Garrus Vakarian."
"The council made Shepard a Spectre so she could deal with Garrus Vakarian. Garrus Vakarian only deals with Spectres."
"The Collectors timed their attack on the SR-1 to make sure that Garrus Vakarian was NOT on board."
"Only Garrus Vakarian can comment on Shepard's driving skill...and live to calibrate the Mako again."
"Dr. Heart committed suicide-by-Shepard because he could not face Garrus Vakarian's pitiless stare."
'Javik could not touch-read Garrus Vakarian. Nobody can touch that much awesomeness and live."
"Garrus Vakarian is the first, last and only entry in the Codex. He is all that you need to know."
"When Shepard saw the Thorian he said, 'We are going to need a bigger gun.' Garrus Vakarian reply? 'Need me for something?'"
"Saren shot himself when he saw Garrus Vakarian on the Citadel and thought, 'F@#! this!'"
"Nobody believed Shepard when she said the Reapers were coming. Garrus Vakarian went to the Primarch and told him they were and he gave him a task force."
"EDI romanced Joker because her sexy robot body did not have the flexibility to match Garrus Vakarian's reach."
"Garrus Vakarian apologized to Tali. The power of his humility destroyed a Reaper."
"Garrus Vakarian played Galaxy of Fantasy once. He won by entering his name on the sign up screen."
"The First Contact War ended the day Garrus Vakarian was born. Coincidence? No."
"Miranda Lawson thought she was perfect. Then she saw Garrus Vakarian, ran off crying and locked herself in her room for three days straight."
"The Collectors harvested humans because if they harvested Turians they might tick off Garrus Vakarian. Nobody is that stupid."
Garrus named his cat Chuck Norris, because it is a pussy.
*C-Sec labels anyone attacking Garrus Vakarian as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
*Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1GVHs (Garrus Vakarian Headshot)
*Garrus Vakarian does not sleep. He waits.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
*If you can see Garrus Vakarian, he can see you. If you can't see Garrus Vakarian you may be only seconds away from death.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Garrus Vakarian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Garrus Vakarian, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Garrus Vakarian is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his sniper and assault rifles.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
*Once a varren threatened to eat Garrus Vakarain. Garrus showed the varren his fist and the varren proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
*If Garrus is late, time better slow the fuck down.
*The only reason the Reapers are called the Reapers is because "Garrus Vakarian" was already taken.
*Garrus Vakarian frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
*Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Garrus Vakarian destroyed the periodic table, because Garrus Vakarian only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Garrus Vakarian was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of species that Garrus Vakarian allows to live.
*Garrus Vakarian once shot down a dreadnought class warship with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
*You can't search for Garrus Vakarian on the extranet because it knows you don't find Garrus Vakarian, he finds you.
*Garrus Vakarian's bullets are so precise, they can fly around the planet and hit Garrus himself in the back of the head.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
*Mouse didn’t wet his pants at the sight of Thane. He saw Garrus first.
*Garrus Vakarian once kicked a baby krogan into puberty.
*When you open a can of whup-ass, Garrus Vakarian pops out.
*Garrus knows what Tali’s face looks like.
*The reapers aren’t stuck in dark space. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy.
*Garrus Vakarian can impregnate women through headbumps alone.
*The keepers weren't bred to take care of the Citadel, they were bred to keep an eye on Garrus Vakarian. They failed.
*Garrus once tried to use an L2 implant, but the implant couldn't handle Garrus Vakarian and it had to be taken out.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
*They named the bridge he held on Omega after Garrus once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.
*Before going after humans, the Collectors tried to take Garrus, but he couldn't be bothered. He was in the middle of some calibrations.
*Kinetic barriers aren't for keeping weapons out, they're for keeping Garrus Vakarian in.
*Garrus Vakarian is so tough that when he goes mountain climbing, he isn't pulling himself up, he's pulling the mountains down.
*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Garrus Vakarian.
*Most people fear the Reapers. Garrus Vakarian considers them "promising rookies".
*Garrus Vakarian headshots don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
*Sovereign's first choice for an organic envoy wasn't Saren, it was Garrus Vakarian; he had to stay away from Garrus Vakarian for fear of being indoctrinated.
*Armistan Banes disappeared from the Mass Effect plotline because when he heard Garrus Vakarian was protecting Dr. Michel, he broke the fourth wall and got the heck out of there.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
*There was no Conduit; Garrus Vakarian was just beaming his brilliant deductions straight into Shepard's brain.
*Garrus Vakarian's eyepiece doesn't really do anything; he just covers one of them out of fairness to everyone else.
*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!
*Garrus Vakarian burns through the shields of Haestrom's sun.
*Some think Palaven is hot. Palaven thinks Garrus Vakarian is hot.
*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't join the Spectres because you can't break all the rules if your job doesn't have any.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't fight the law. He shot it in the back of the head and then went back to business.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't step on toes. Garrus Vakarian steps on necks.
*The last thing you hear before a Garrus Vakarian headshot? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.
*The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst laid plans of Garrus Vakarian go off without a hitch.
*Garrus Vakarian built a better mousetrap. Most people simply can't calibrate it correctly.
*Garrus Vakarian keeps his friends close and his enemies in scope.
*Once you go Garrus, you are physically unable to go back.
*Garrus Vakarian's tears cure Kepral's Syndrome. It's too bad Garrus Vakarian has never cried.
*Executor Pallin died from Garrus Vakarian giving him the finger.
*Garrus Vakarian always has sex on the first date. Always.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he's full.
*After much debate, the Council decided to unleash the genophage on the Krogan rather than the alternative of sending Garrus Vakarian. It was deemed more "humane."
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Prothean experts working outside Council jurisdiction have recently conceded that, were the Reapers to exterminate life in the Galaxy, all that would remain are Vorcha and Garrus Vakarian.
*Saying "Garrus Vakarian" three time makes your head explode from pure awesome.
*When Turians want honor they pray to the spirits. When they want anything else they pray to Garrus.
*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.
*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
*If Garrus was to sneeze, the planet he is on would explode.
*Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Omega-4 Relay.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Garrus Vakarian has two speeds: walk and kill.
*Why don't you see any female Turians in Mass Effect? They're all waiting for Garrus Vakarian to call them back.
*Garrus Vakarian can pleasure krogan women simply by showing them his scars.
*Why do krogan have 4 testicles? So they'd feel slightly less inferior to Garrus Vakarian
*Some call the coming of the Reapers an "apocalypse." Garrus Vakarian calls it "practice."
*Garrus Vakarian had all his internal organs removed because they were "just slowing him down."
*Garrus Vakarian once ate five entire pots of Sergeant Gardner's calamari gumbo in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with Crewman Goldstein.
*Garrus Vakarian once sniped a man so hard, his body went back in time and hit the ground five minutes earlier.
*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate a gun so well, it needs a cigarette afterward.
*Saren only killed himself so he'd be spared the wrath of Garrus Vakarian
*Garrus Vakarian was actually on the ground when the Virmire nuke went off. He later complained things felt too drafty.
*Garrus Vakarian's favorite store on the Citadel, is himself. He dishes out pain at unbelievable prices.
*Death came to see Garrus after the rocket incident and said his time had come. Garrus looked at Death and said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
*Blind people aren't blind, they just scared of making eye contact with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.
*70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Garrus Vakarian's weight is his malehood.
*Khalisah Al-Jilani was actually thankful it was Shepherd who punched her. If it had been Garrus Vakarian, she'd be dead.
*Harbinger thought about making a turian Reaper instead of a human one, but then remembered there was already Garrus Vakarian.
*When Saren learned Commander Shepherd was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with him, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't care. Even if it was a one armed man who killed your wife and not you.
*The Citadel once had six arms instead of five. Then there was a little incident involving Garrus Vakarian...
*They say you can't make something out of nothing. Garrus Vakarian can make EVERYTHING out of nothing.
*Tali later discovered Haestrom's sun was getting so hot because it saw Garrus Vakarian without a shirt on.
*A man once claimed Garrus Vakarian attempted to headshot him, but it was promptly dismissed as false - Garrus Vakarian never misses.
*Garrus Vakarian is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Kids piss their name in snow. Garrus Vakarian pisses his name in concrete.
*Garrus Vakarian visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just "the islands"
*Garrus Vakarian's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian once won "Connect 4" in 3 moves.
*Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.
*Garrus Vakarian can slam revolving doors.
*Garrus Vakarian doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the info he wants.
*Death once had "a near Garrus Vakarian experience"
*Babies cry because they know they just entered a world with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booyah”.
*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Garrus Vakarian.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with Commander Shepard.
*Garrus Vakarian cannot feel pain. He can only inflict it.
*Garrus Vakarian does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Garrus Vakarian goes killing.
*After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Garrus Vakarian that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Garrus Vakarian's computer. Garrus Vakarian is always in control.
*Garrus Vakarian actually was a love interest in Mass Effect 1. He just rocked your world so hard, you can't remember.
*Garrus Vakarian can make you orgasm... WITH HIS MIND.
Commander Shepard doesn't really sleep with Garrus Vakarian, she started that rumor to scare away the Reapers.
Cerberus rebulit Shepard only so that she could get Garrus Vakarian to join the mission.
The Turian Counciller has dismissed Garrus Vakarian. He is just too awesome to be real.
Garrus Vakarian has never popped a heatsink he didn't like.
Garrus Vakarian caused the Great Rift on Klendagon when he sniped a Reaper.
Everyone considered destroying the Collector base a suicide mission. For Garrus Vakarian, it was just a Tuesday.
While Shepard was knocked out in Arrival, Garrus Vakarian killed 305,000 batarians. Then he let Shepard destoy the evidence.
Some gods don't like the idea of genetic manipulation. They're afraid of "playing Garrus Vakarian".
Garrus Vakarian broke the #1 rule on Omega...and Aria LOVED it.
Garrus Vakarian doesn't just shoot you...he shoots your soul.
'The Game' just lost Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian had sex with an Ardat-Yakshi the Ardat-Yakshi died
Garrus Vakarian got an Asari pregnat one time......the child was a boy
Garrus Vakarian does not embrace eternity instead eternity embraces Garrus Vakarian
Garrus Vakarian can divide by zero
Garrus Vakarian knows the meaning of life
The laws of the universe bend to Harbinger, the laws of Harbinger bend to Garrus Vakarian
*When Garrus tells you, ''It's not you, it's me'', it really is you...
Garrus Vakarian only needs mass relays to get across the galaxy because his biotic charge would send him into dark space.
Garrus Vakarian was ment to be the player character for Uncharted, Resistance, Halo, Bioshock and Gears of War but the game developers realised he was too epic
Garrus always breaks the rules, he then makes his own and breaks them as well because he can.
Garrus came out of mother's womb already wearing his visor.
When Zaeed and Garrus both go on a mission, Garrus is the only one who makes it out alive.
Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space, because Garrus' mother was a respectable woman.
Garrus Vakarian once missed his target. The bullet then hit a batarian terrorist and a krogan drug lord. Garrus Vakarian doesn't make mistakes.
The leading anti-bacterial soap can kill 99.9% of germs. Garrus Vakarian can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
Garrus once punched a female turian in the face. They later had sex.
Garrus vakarian disfigured his face so he could give Shepard more of a shot with the ladies... he ended up attracting more.
Garrus is so awesome that lore depicts him as a duel-wielding turian that flies even though he didn't do either of these things.
That wasn't the thanix cannon that tore the collector ship in half, Garrus just sneezed.
There was an option to just send garrus in alone to do the entire suicide mission for you but he's too much of a team player .
The reaper battle will only be 10 minutes long in ME3 because Garrus spent most the last game secretly calibrating a reaper virus. That means the rest of the game will 30 + hours of having conversations with Garrus, you're welcome Shepard.
The seekers get paralyzed if they sting Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian wasn't knocked out by that table. He just needed some sleep, and when he saw the Shadow Broker he realised his assistance is unnecessary. Besides, that table was quite warm.
Garrus Vakarian invented the Cipher, but he didn’t tell anyone, so he could kill the Thorian.
Garrus Vakarian once studied the Keepers. After that, the Keepers developed a suicide mechanism based on destroying all internal organs with acid, just to protect them from such terrible experience happening again.
Garrus Vakarian composed the elevator music.
Some Tresher Maws were once tricked to come to a planet an SOS signal was transmited from. Some time after, a research team found them dead. It turned out, that they were all killed by Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian judged Tela Vasir. She died in terrible pain.
Garrus is quite amazed with Thane, because he never managed to do a neck snap without ripping the head off.
Garrus can digest levo-amino food.
The Alpha Relay didn't explode because of the asteroid that was rammed into it. It exploded because Garrus Vakarian used Overload on it.
Garrus Vakarian built a mass relay out of duct tape.
Garrus Vakarian taught Thane to necksnap Krogan.
Garrus Vakarian only holds a sniper rifle for the feel, the bullets are willed into existence.
If Garrus Vakarian died on your suicide mission, your save file is automatically deleted if you attempt to import it to ME3.
Garrus Vakarian doesn't do anything for a Klondike Bar.
Garrus Vakarian makes the Old Spice guy feel inadequate
Garrus Vakarian has files on Shadow Broker.
The Elcor don't prefix their dialog with emotive statement when speaking to Garrus Vakarian. The presence of Garrus Vakarian arouses dread only.
In first years of his service, Garrus played "Who has more testicles" with a Krogan warlord and lost. Fortunately he won next two rounds, and round one of "Who is alive" a while after.
Kai Leng once killed six turians and a Krogan with a knife. Not to be outdone, Garrus Vakarian smashed Kai Leng's head in with a toaster and beat him to death with his own skull. Seven times.
All Garrus' dialog options are Renegade interrupts. Garrus Vakarian's Renegade interrupts are headshots.
Seal Team 6 infiltrated Osama Bin Laden's hideout and found him dead on the floor with a note that said "You're welcome. - Garrus Vakarian"
Before they hired the Old Spice Guy, Old Spice originally asked Garrus Vakarian to be in their commercials. Unfortunately, he was in the middle of some calibrations.
Rage is a hell of an anesthetic. It lets you survive a gunshot to the face. Being Garrus Vakarian is an even better anesthetic. It lets you survive a being blown up by a rocket.
Garrus Vakarian can tell Han Solo the odds.
Garrus normaly uses a Thanix cannon for missions on food, but after 3 Day it was him too boring so he changed to Machinegun
If Garrus goes into the plaguezone, he doesn´t get ill. The plague gets Garrus... and all others died
Garrus called him self Archangel, cuz if he called him Garrus Vakarian...no merc had come
Garrus mix Forvan poison with Ryncol every morning...just to brush his teeth.
Sovereign only attacks the Citatel, cuz he heard Garrus left C-Sec
Garrus came into a bar...no survivors
Legion wanted to infiltrate the Normandy S2...after noticed Garrus on ship...he invented a story about heretics...just to save his own neck.
Garrus is the only one who can be shot in the stomage...survive, and look damn good at it!
Garrus can´t be loyal... After his mission Shepard is loyal to him
On Kasumis Greybox, stand the same sentence like on Jessy, Talis suit, Mirandas ass, EDIs VI core and the OMEGA 4 Portal..."calibrated by Garrus"
If Garrus miss... he only wants to shot the eye out of that god damn squirrel on the Planat behind...
Garrus teaches the techno turians his moves
Why is there no Squad fight scene with Garrus, like Miranda/Jack or Tali/Legion?...C´mon...you know the answer
Garrus Vakarian can bend adamantium.
A telepath's head explodes from pure awesomeness if they tried to read Garrus' mind.
Garrus Vakarian knows where the Illusive Man lives, he's just too busy calibrating.
The first Reaper was an unsuccessful attempt to clone Garrus Vakarian.
Garrus Vakarian had to calibrate his sniper rifles so his headshots were less powerful. He had decided the universe had enough black holes.
Garrus Vakarian has to calibrate a lot because everyone complained his improvements on the weapons and armor were too strong for them.
Garrus Vakarian keeps saying he needs to calibrate stuff whenever Shepard talks to him because otherwise he`d expose Shepard too much to his awesomeness - which is deadly.
Garrus didn`t become a Specter because they felt that title would be below him.
Unlike most Turians, Garrus Vakarian does not have dextro-amino acid-based DNA. He has Garrus-based DNA, making him immune to all disease and killing anything that comes into contact with his fluids.
Garrus Vakarian once blew up a star in Batarian space by blinking at it. When the Batarians told him "You can't do that!" he blinked, they blew up, and he went back to his calibrations.
Sovereign has hidden himself inside the citadel to escape from Garrus Vakarian
Saren shoots himself in the head rather than fight Garrus Vakarian
Garrus Vakarian has live thresher maws for breakfast
Garrus Vakarian takes direct control of Harbinger
Garrus Vakarian knows Harbinger feels this
If Shepard doesn't get to Garrus Vakarian soon, he won't have any Reapers left to kill
Garrus Vakarian does not have kinetic barriers. He emits a field of intimidation so strong that mass effect slugs simply stop.
The combine were orignally going to invade the ME universe until they realised that Garrus Vakarian lived in that universe so they invaded the HL universe instead
The flood cannot infect Garrus Vakarian, Garrus Vakarian infects the flood
Garrus Vakarian always scores perfect headshots, even on enemies that doesn't have any head.
The developers of ME3 tried to nerf him, so the game wouldn't be too easy, but Garrus broke the 4th wall and beat them into submission. The game has now been renamed Vakarian-Effect 3.
The reason Garrus calibrates so much is because it's the only action he can perform that doesn't directly result in someone dying.
Mass Effect hologram technology is "awesome" because Garrus Vakarian calibrated it.
"Wherever Garrus Vakarian stands on the Citadel, that is everybody best spot on the Citadel."
"The Turian Councilor tried to "dismiss" Garrus Vakarian and had his fingers shot off with a single round."
"Matriarch Benezia didn't fight off indoctrination. Garrus Vakarian presence made her forget all about it."
"The Citadel Gun Store owner wanted to name his first born after Shepard, but his wife already named him Garrus Vakarian."
"The council made Shepard a Spectre so she could deal with Garrus Vakarian. Garrus Vakarian only deals with Spectres."
"The Collectors timed their attack on the SR-1 to make sure that Garrus Vakarian was NOT on board."
"Only Garrus Vakarian can comment on Shepard's driving skill...and live to calibrate the Mako again."
"Dr. Heart committed suicide-by-Shepard because he could not face Garrus Vakarian's pitiless stare."
'Javik could not touch-read Garrus Vakarian. Nobody can touch that much awesomeness and live."
"Garrus Vakarian is the first, last and only entry in the Codex. He is all that you need to know."
"When Shepard saw the Thorian he said, 'We are going to need a bigger gun.' Garrus Vakarian reply? 'Need me for something?'"
"Saren shot himself when he saw Garrus Vakarian on the Citadel and thought, 'F@#! this!'"
"Nobody believed Shepard when she said the Reapers were coming. Garrus Vakarian went to the Primarch and told him they were and he gave him a task force."
"EDI romanced Joker because her sexy robot body did not have the flexibility to match Garrus Vakarian's reach."
"Garrus Vakarian apologized to Tali. The power of his humility destroyed a Reaper."
"Garrus Vakarian played Galaxy of Fantasy once. He won by entering his name on the sign up screen."
"The First Contact War ended the day Garrus Vakarian was born. Coincidence? No."
"Miranda Lawson thought she was perfect. Then she saw Garrus Vakarian, ran off crying and locked herself in her room for three days straight."
"The Collectors harvested humans because if they harvested Turians they might tick off Garrus Vakarian. Nobody is that stupid."
Garrus named his cat Chuck Norris, because it is a pussy.