(no subject)
i'm really not that smart, i'm really slow, stupid and uncomprehending. i can't help but think that i'm the annoying friend that everyone hangs out with cuz i'm nice or they knew me for so long or i can't be hated cuz i'm friends with eric and introduced him to everyone. i think so much shit is going on behind my back, i think i'm just paranoid but what if i'm not? what if i'm right? then if thats the case, then whats the point? just don't fucking deal with me, tell me off, tell me to stop talking to you. i'll understand, i'll understand why it seems like everyone's so fake to me... not even my own girlfirend seems to like me at times, i really dunno what to do anymore, i was happy at one point, i really thought i could be something, but now i know i'm destened to be nothing i am nothing i don't matter to anyone, if i died tomorrow all they'd remember by is by how i died and maybe what my name was. i really don't know anymore i wish i could just go, pick up and go. with out saying a word just start a new life in callifonia or boston or someplace like that. i need something... something big, i wanna be happy, i need to be with people who make me happy, i need to know what i'm loved by someone, i need to belive that someone in this god awful world cares about me... i dunno what sparked this, maybe it was my mom and how much i really lothe her, or my ongoing problems in my love life, or my loss of contact with my friends i really don't know but somthing is right... i need something, or someone right now, i don't wanna go to bed alone tonight, i don't wanna go to bed alone anymore