evaluations and revelations
When Karen told me she was leaving rich she was terrified. For years I heard it a bout how much she wanted out but didn’t have the heart to tell him at first, then didn’t have the direction then finally didn’t have the drive. It was all through this I had to continually remind her that unless she took the step she so wanted to take, she’d be stuck where she was forever.
That lesson comes back to me, echoing in my brain and ratting my memories and insights awake. When she finally did leave, it wasn’t perfect. Or clean. Or anywhere near to being the new life as she would of hoped for. It was hard, sometimes doing it through tears of anguish. Taking her kids from their father and such. The thing that made her finally tip over and try was what I repeated back to her. You can’t help anyone if your down yourself. It meant without strength, you really can’t do anything for anyone, no matter how good intentions are. The short bus version of that story is that she eventually heard me, and took the steps she needed to in order to get away from her nightmare.
Two things came to understand from this. One was that unless you’re prepared to do something, you can’t do anything. For yourself, for anyone, good intentions and high hopes aside. And secondary when you do decide to do something different, to grow, it won’t always be perfect. It actually doesn’t have to be in my opinion actually. Who ever said change had to be perfect? I’m currently making changes now. Recent events have pointed out flaws in me. Something someone saw but I didn’t, and I’m glad she pointed it out to me. Cause I know I won’t Identify them on my own. It’s always hardest to judge yourself, or see yourself like everyone else does.
As it turns out she was very right. I didn’t see it but now I do. The problem I have is communication. See no one knows what happens with me sometimes, or what I go through. It could be because I hate complaining, even with close friends. I’m known to be the one who doesn’t complain, I go and fix the problem. But some problems I can’t fix. I can’t bring people back from the dead, I can’t make people take a step they don’t want to. I can’t make a business I love thrive, and I can’t stop people from doing things that I don’t think they should be doing with their life. I simply can’t fix everything that breaks down or goes wrong. I’m only able to do what I am prepared to do.
These blogs are an attempt to do just that, change. Look at it as a self evaluation of my inner crazy. (note, why is blogs not on the spell check list?) . Not a lot of people will read this stuff. And you know what? Who cares. This is a self portrait for me to understand and for people that want to know more about what I really feel and think and do. I’ll warn you on this lil journey of wordyness that a literary icon I am not. Most of you that will read it already know I have my own version of ‘Johnnyspeak’ in play. Like I said before it might be a clunky mess of wordage wroten rotten, but at least it’s an attempt to try and change me for the different.
That lesson comes back to me, echoing in my brain and ratting my memories and insights awake. When she finally did leave, it wasn’t perfect. Or clean. Or anywhere near to being the new life as she would of hoped for. It was hard, sometimes doing it through tears of anguish. Taking her kids from their father and such. The thing that made her finally tip over and try was what I repeated back to her. You can’t help anyone if your down yourself. It meant without strength, you really can’t do anything for anyone, no matter how good intentions are. The short bus version of that story is that she eventually heard me, and took the steps she needed to in order to get away from her nightmare.
Two things came to understand from this. One was that unless you’re prepared to do something, you can’t do anything. For yourself, for anyone, good intentions and high hopes aside. And secondary when you do decide to do something different, to grow, it won’t always be perfect. It actually doesn’t have to be in my opinion actually. Who ever said change had to be perfect? I’m currently making changes now. Recent events have pointed out flaws in me. Something someone saw but I didn’t, and I’m glad she pointed it out to me. Cause I know I won’t Identify them on my own. It’s always hardest to judge yourself, or see yourself like everyone else does.
As it turns out she was very right. I didn’t see it but now I do. The problem I have is communication. See no one knows what happens with me sometimes, or what I go through. It could be because I hate complaining, even with close friends. I’m known to be the one who doesn’t complain, I go and fix the problem. But some problems I can’t fix. I can’t bring people back from the dead, I can’t make people take a step they don’t want to. I can’t make a business I love thrive, and I can’t stop people from doing things that I don’t think they should be doing with their life. I simply can’t fix everything that breaks down or goes wrong. I’m only able to do what I am prepared to do.
These blogs are an attempt to do just that, change. Look at it as a self evaluation of my inner crazy. (note, why is blogs not on the spell check list?) . Not a lot of people will read this stuff. And you know what? Who cares. This is a self portrait for me to understand and for people that want to know more about what I really feel and think and do. I’ll warn you on this lil journey of wordyness that a literary icon I am not. Most of you that will read it already know I have my own version of ‘Johnnyspeak’ in play. Like I said before it might be a clunky mess of wordage wroten rotten, but at least it’s an attempt to try and change me for the different.