(Untitled)

[cyacide]

OK before i scare the hell out of you i was writing this next one trying to think through someone else's perspective.... im not a freak.....this was written long ago before i ever read ayn rand...that was fort the record

Comments

[emotionaldecay]

dude... it rocks... i just have a few criticisms, and everyone loves criticism, right?

the first stanza is a bit detached from the rest. it's a little more symbolic and metaphorical than the other two... the last a littl more than the second, but that's evened out with the obviousness that it's the last stanza, so that works
but the first one is a bit too heavy on the metaphor and it feels unbalanced. you could lighten it up or even move it down towards the bottom and use the first stanza (whatever becomes the first stanza, that is) as some kind of transition to a flashback. that would be a bit more complicated, but would even out just the same.

and the ending, or the last 6 words, really, are kinda strange to end a whole poem on. you need some action, some active verb in the last sentence to end it, otherwise it just kinda trails off. you could even just switch the last two lines and that would work great,

Her eyes still gazing upon me

Even as she sank forty fathoms underneath

of course that would fuck the repetition of even. or it may not, if you combine them... plastic casket. her eyes...
w/e...

don't feel obligated to listen to me, i'm overcritical and try to make everything sound like my own words, so do your own style (which is, btw, fucking awesome).

[cyacide]

this asctually does mean a lot more ot me than any compliment, becuase you truly understand poetry, you righ tabout the first stanza i think i did it because i was trying to work so hard on t he first stanza and i wasnt quitte flowing yet, so it came off as a little to techincal. THe last six words were asemi-akward what i was trying to do was to leave a lasting imprint on the reader with the line to put that image in their head. But it didnt work out quite as i'd hope, it really could have been more powerful, i was trying to write a suttle exposition at the same time becaus ihad already past th climax and i was trying also to have a more suttle ending. Aopperently my miz was more of a contradiction thought, as i contradict myself now,
thank you because you really read it and even ore so want to help,

I also see it as this: when someone who doesnt fully understand wha touyr doing gives you a compliment it is very shallow, i know the first comment was from tina and i know she can write. I also know that you are an incredible writer and to hear a compliment from you means that i really am on my way that even to the trained eye. You have amazing insight and techinical skills, your very good at analyzation ...peace