Uh oh
Having an identity crisis about being an actor is not recommended when you are in an acting school. Wondering what the hell you're doing in this profession, after 10 years, lots of schooling, and especially after a hefty new student loan has been borrowed is not at all fun.
But here it is.
At the end of last semester I was charged with finding the reason why I was drawn to acting in the first place. Suddenly it hit me tonight all the reasons why I would NOT want to be an actor. Among them: my reluctance to fail, my fear of looking like an idiot, and my inhibition about talking loud enough to be heard. All very counterproductive things when it comes to acting.
But there they are.
It's true! I hate talking on stage! I hate the sound of my voice. And it's true--I don't want people to look at me if I'm failing miserably.
So, then, what the heck am I doing being an actor? If I'm not willing to get up there then what's the point? I don't believe that an actor has to be a manic attention hog every day of their life but I suppose they had at least better like being paid attention to.
I guess I feel like if I were a real actor then I would welcome the chance to get up and tell all no matter what. That I would never falter, I would never flat out refuse to try because I'm too scared. I guess to me a real actor would laugh in the face of fear and then get up and do something awesome on stage.
I've been butting up against this stuff for years and I'm sick and tired of it. Am I done? Does this mean that this isn't the life for me? Why would I want to create something so badly and then not have the courage to step into it? Why would I come all the way out to California only to sit on the sidelines and pray I'm not called on?
But here it is.
At the end of last semester I was charged with finding the reason why I was drawn to acting in the first place. Suddenly it hit me tonight all the reasons why I would NOT want to be an actor. Among them: my reluctance to fail, my fear of looking like an idiot, and my inhibition about talking loud enough to be heard. All very counterproductive things when it comes to acting.
But there they are.
It's true! I hate talking on stage! I hate the sound of my voice. And it's true--I don't want people to look at me if I'm failing miserably.
So, then, what the heck am I doing being an actor? If I'm not willing to get up there then what's the point? I don't believe that an actor has to be a manic attention hog every day of their life but I suppose they had at least better like being paid attention to.
I guess I feel like if I were a real actor then I would welcome the chance to get up and tell all no matter what. That I would never falter, I would never flat out refuse to try because I'm too scared. I guess to me a real actor would laugh in the face of fear and then get up and do something awesome on stage.
I've been butting up against this stuff for years and I'm sick and tired of it. Am I done? Does this mean that this isn't the life for me? Why would I want to create something so badly and then not have the courage to step into it? Why would I come all the way out to California only to sit on the sidelines and pray I'm not called on?