Fandom Cookies (2008)
So maidm and I got together at her house again to make wonderous fandom cookies like last year only this year, she also invited lilyknotwisemd and carnivalcanary so we had even more cookies than before. Also, this year they had faces and I got a little bit carried away with mine. I'll give the cookie credits once the story is done because, yes, we did another story.
The Tenth Doctor, despite his misleadingly cheerful grin, is standing around being sad. He misses Rose.
Suddenly, Rose jumps out of a random portal and for the purposes of the story, we'll pretend that either she's normal-sized or that nobody notices.
Seeing her fly through the air, Ten attempts to catch her but ends up mainly cushioning her with his body, as much as that is possible, anyway, considering how pointy he is.
"But...how did you get here, Rose?!" Ten says, boggling. "I left you in the alternate universe."
"Without asking me whether I wanted to stay there or not, I might add," says Rose. "So I found a way back. I had a hunch I might find you like this." Ten thinks for a bit.
"Oh, I see! Random portal action!" he says knowledgably. Rose and him hold hands and grin foolishly at each other.
Then, suddenly, out of the portal in a clockwise circle come Charlie (from the audio plays), Sarah Jane, Susan and Peri! And also, for some reason, Old Gregg!
The women bond with their fellow Companion statuses and Old Gregg feels sad and sort of left out.
So he pulls a sword on them.
Ten finally notices what's going on and is rather cross.
"No-one attacks my former Companions OR my granddaughter!" he shouts, pulling a sword from his pocket.
"Your GRANDDAUGHTER?" says Rose. Ten pretends not to hear.
Ten and Old Gregg duel beside another portal. Rose goes off to have a chat with Susan and a young Sarah Jane. It's a little weird.
Then, in an unexpected move, Old Gregg pulls Turlough out of the portal and holds him hostage.
"Oh wonderful," says Turlough. "At least I'm not tied up this time."
Lucky for Turlough, Five shows up, coming out of a portal.
"Let go of Turlough, please," he asks Old Gregg politely. Old Gregg gets confused.
He lets Turlough go and then gets cornered by Five and Turlough.
"Looks like ya got the best of me this time," he says. "But I'll be back. I'm Old Greeeegg!"
He hops back into the portal and escapes.
Then Six and Frobisher show up.
"I thought you said that was a random portal," says Frobisher. "There's kinda a party going on here."
"Nonsense!" says Six crossly, before he sees Peri.
"Doctor!" says Peri. "What're you doing here?"
"I could ask you the very same question," says Six.
"And why've you got a penguin?" she continues.
"Oh, I get it, Doc," says Frobisher. "You've travelled with her before. Have you got a fetish for American accents or something?"
Six glowers at him to no effect.
One arrives through the same portal everyone else has come from.
"My word, Susan," he says. "Who are all these people?"
"Future friends, I think, Grandfather," says Susan.
"Hmmph," he says grumpily. "It seems I shall be forced to nursemaid vast armies of fools in my future."
"Oh, I don't know, Grandfather," says Susan. "They seem quite nice to me."
Then, Three and Four show up and simultaneously go over to Sarah Jane.
"Excuse me," says Three, "I believe Sarah is my Companion."
"You died," points out Four. "Logically, she's moved on to me."
"Thus, through the same logic, I had her first," says Three. "And--" Four interrupts him.
"Have you ever heard of the concept 'Finders keepers'?" he asks. "In this situation I believe you would be both the 'loser' and the 'weeper'."
"Now, listen," says Sarah Jane. They don't.
Unconcerned with the argument going on somewhere near them, Five and Turlough have a cuddle.
Old Gregg tries to get in on some cuddling action but is denied.
So he sneaks back into the portal.
"Old Gregg'll get a cuddle eventually, you'll see," he says. Evily.
Meanwhile, Three and Four are dueling over Sarah Jane and totally ignoring Sarah who is trying to tell them that she's currently travelling with Four. Maybe they just like sword fights.
On the other side of the...table, Rose and Charlie are having a chat. Rose is flabbergasted.
"So...he just SAYS he loves you. Out loud."
"Oh yes. All the time. I wasn't aware it was an issue."
This leaves Rose feeling a little vulnerable and so, when Nine shows up, she flocks instantly over, leaving Ten completely alone.
"Didn't I just leave you in the TARDIS?" asks Nine. "I knew I couldn't expect you to stay put--"
"No, I'm from the future," says Rose. "And I've left your next self to come back to you."
"Which one's the next m--ah, I see. That skinny git over there."
"Yeah. I think I like you better."
Nine grins. "Fantastic!"
Ten cries a single tear.
Back away from the emo Doctors, Two and Jamie show up, holding hands.
"Och, Doctor, dinnae tell me that the one in yon gaudy coat is you as well," says Jamie, sounding disgusted.
Two looks at his future self disparagingly. "I'm afraid so, Jamie," he says.
"Hey!" says Six, momentarily so offended that he is unable to say anything else. He stands there for a while, just sputtering in disbelief.
Out of one of the Convenient Plot Advancement Portals flies the Eighth Doctor, a mild look of confusion on his face.
He lands right on Charlie, cutting short the conversation she was having with Rose and Nine.
"Ow! Doctor!" says Charlie, annoyed.
"I'm terribly sorry," says Eight. "I hadn't a clue where that portal would lead. May I just say it's wonderful to find you, Charlie! I was rather worried."
"It's quite all right," says Charlie graciously. And then they have a cuddle.
Recap! Three and Four are still dueling pointlessly over Sarah Jane who is quite cross at them both by now, Eight is cuddling Charlie, Rose and Nine are having a lovely chat, Susan is putting up with her granddad's grumbling and Jamie and Two are holding hands as they point and laugh at Six's coat while Peri tries to calm him down and Frobisher joins in on the laughing.
Due to all of this stuff going on, no-one notices Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs come out of the portal.
Then he, um...wears the portal as a hat. No, honestly, I have no idea what this picture's about.
At least we know this is him now because he's wearing a hat.
"Oh, wow!" says Ricky Wilson. "David Tennant!"
"Actually," says Ten, "I'm the Doctor."
"The actual Doctor?!" says Ricky. "Cool!" Ten doesn't really listen to him because he's too distracted about what's going on just behind Ricky.
"Sorry," says Ten eventually, running right past him. "I have something important to do." He runs over to Rose and Nine, certain that he can win her back.
Ricky Wilson cries a single tear.
Unlike Ten, however, Ricky isn't going to take so long to make his move.
"I will have my revenge on the Doctor!" he cries and using magic (which he clearly knows, have you never heard of the Kaiser Chiefs? Do some research!) he summons someone to help him.
Unfortunately for him, this 'someone' turns out to be Rincewind.
"Okay, I want you to attack the Doctor," says Ricky. "He's nearly all of those men over there."
"Attack him?"asks Rincewind. "Really?"
"Yes!" says Ricky.
"How?" Rincewind asks carefully, as this other man is clearly a dangerous madman.
"I don't care HOW, just do it!" Ricky hisses at him.
Rincewind cries a single tear.
But then he actually manages to make magic happen. The only downside is that the magic sends him in an unstoppable fall towards the Doctors which he is sure is going to hurt. Two notices and him and Jamie cling to each other.
However, he is going very, very slowly. An inch closer, he has a change of heart.
"Get out of the way!" he shouts. "I can't stop!"
Hearing this, Four and Three instantly stop fighting and protect Sarah Jane. Two hugs Jamie to him and Six does the same with Peri and Frobisher. Nine and Ten stop arguing and comfortingly hold Rose's hands.
"No, really," says Rincewind hopelessly. "I can't stop. You'd better get out of the way. You do have time, because for some reason, I'm moving very, very slowly."
Seeing that Rincewind has betrayed him, Ricky Wilson pulls two swords and decides to do the job himself.
There is a dramatic close-up of him with his swords.
Then, unexpectedly out of the magic portals Rincewind is...making, fly Howard and Vince of The Mighty Boosh. Somehow, Howard manages to grab the swords from Ricky Wilson as he flies by, thus saving the day!
"Oh hey!" says Ricky Wilson. "Noel Fielding!"
"Actually, I'm Vince Noir," says Vince.
"Even better!" says Ricky.
"Hang on," says Vince, "are you Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs? I love that band! They're genius!"
"Thanks," says Ricky modestly.
I have no idea what's going on here. Maybe Vince jumped.
Ricky is the TALLEST Kaiser Chief.
"Ahhhh..." goes Rincewind as he flies slowly past Ricky and Vince.
"It's all right, now," says Ricky. "I've lost my swords and besides, I'm hanging out with Vince. You can stop attacking them now." He walks off, holding hands with Vince.
"Why do you assume I can STOP?" says Rincewind despairingly.
The portals consume Rincewind. Presumeably, he ends up back in Discworld.
"Haha, that's right, sir," says Howard at the retreating Ricky Wilson. "You run away. Good thing that I was here to save the day, otherwise things could have gone all sorts of wrong. But that's me, Howard Moon: Protector of Worlds. And all I ask for is the thanks of the millions of lives I've saved, and maybe even just a small medal, or a little celebratory jazz festival..." At this point, he realises absolutely no-one is listening to him.
"Hello," he says, sidling up to Three and Four. "My name's Howard Moon and--"
"Sorry, can't talk right now," says Three.
"Yes, we're leaving," says Four.
Rose leads the way back through the portal that they all came from.
Just before he can get in, the portal closes and Howard is left behind.
Seeing his chance, Old Gregg jumps out of his portal and descends on the rather depressed Howard.
"Hello, Howard."
"Ahh! Oh. Hello, Gregory."
"I love ya, Howard. And I know ya love me. D'ya wanna come back to Gregg's love cave and live with me forever? You're s'posed to be there anyway, on account of us bein' engaged but I guess ya got distracted."
"Uhh...that's right, Gregg...distracted."
"So are ya comin'?" Howard is just depressed enough that he almost says yes.
Just then, Seven shows up. There's been a lot of weird activity in this area that he came to check out, but it seems to have gone for now.
"Hello," says Seven to Howard and Old Gregg. "I'm the Doctor. I don't sup--"
"You're the Doctor?" asks Old Gregg.
"Yes," says Seven.
"You're the Doctor that all those women were talkin' about before?"
"Um...I assume so?" says Seven. Old Gregg thinks for a bit.
"Can I come with ya?"
"Er...all right," says Seven.
Old Gregg leaves with the seventh Doctor.
"I'm gonna be a Companion!" he shouts gleefully. "I'm Old Greeeeeegg!"
Howard is left by himself.
"Well," he reasons, "at least I still have these swords."
THE END
Man, that took AGES. Seriously, next time I'm making someone else do this. Next year it'll probably be an even BIGGER story. I hope not. Wow.
Cookies by (as far as I can remember, tell me if I'm wrong and I'll correct it, guys):
maidm: One, Five, Six, Eight, Nine, Charlie, Turlough, Peri.
lilyknotwisemd: Two, Three, Four, Seven, Susan, Sarah, Jamie
carnivalcanary: Ricky Wilson. She also made Peanut from the same band (in case you don't know them) but didn't have time to make the rest of the band and thus only Ricky ended up in the story. I am a little confused though. I feel like I must have something wrong--surely you didn't only make two, Deirdre!
Me: Ten, Rose, Howard, Vince, Old Gregg, Rincewind. And the portals.
I'm a little upset that we didn't get to the Master or Donna before we ran out of cookies but them's the breaks! We'll make them next year. Next year we intend to invite more people and MAKE EVEN MORE COOKIES. Tune in next time for our latest cookie-stravaganza!
P.S. I realise that that's not how Peri and Frobisher met but I BET THEY WEREN'T EVER COOKIES EITHER! Thank you.