Lost my place in the world
I've had a pretty crappy month, and it has left me feeling like I've lost my place in the world... I want to run and escape but there isn't really anywhere to go easily and I know it prolly isn't the best plan... I don't know what to do with myself, or what I should do next. I feel trapped, and lost.
My Dad died just over a week ago, my work is so crap that the two weeks before I had to go to be with Dad it had me so stressed I couldn't eat or sleep, and with funeral expenses, a holiday I've already booked and other costs I have used a huge chunk of my house deposit/money cushion so realistically it isn't like I can really afford to do anything drastic (though I have to say also a little grumpy with one sister who has house, car etc which I don't and yet she won't contribute to funeral). Plus being with family made me realise that while they can be fantastic and I'm sure will be there if I need them, I don't really fit. So while there is still Mum, it was in many ways Dad that linked me into the family, I was Daddys little girl ... and my sisters are all so much older and have husbands and kids who, as they should, come first, and that also makes them have more in common with each other than me. Then my nieces and nephews who I'm more in age with, I am not one of, I'm an "Aunty" even though they don't call me it, so I don't really fit there either... plus I am just different in having a beuracratic career, being "responsible" and living in a completely different city to any of them... My "urban whanau" definitely get me a lot more than my family do.... and I guess the family all being together for Dad in hospital and the funeral was the longest we have spent together for ages (possibly ever), and it made it more obvious than it had been before, and made it all a bit of a lonely process... I was so looking forward to getting home, but now I'm home I wish I was back... I feel guilt somewhat possibly, but also it was busy and noisy while I was there and at home I'm not busy so I have to deal with death rather than ignoring it....
Though don't get me wrong, I'm ok, I'm keeping busy somewhat and keeping noise in the background etc to keep myself sane (well as sane as I ever am!)... little things get to me like finding the birthday card my parents sent me this year and I get teary, and this stuff is all going on in the background of my head... but I'm coping... and I will be ok...