What Witches Want
Title: What Witches Want
Author: cwarbeck
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3702
Summary: Ginny and the girls talk about underpants, facial hair, and the search for the elusive Mr Dateable.
A/N: Written for the December challenge at catchmysnitch, where the prompt was Diagon Alley. Dedicated to alxndrjosephine, because she bribed me with the promise of an HP themed layout, and I’m easy like that. I hope you like it, She, and thanks in advance. My everlasting gratitude as always to Chreechree, the queen of all betas. To my male readers - all three of you - there's a whole lot of estrogen in this fic, so you have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. ☺
What Witches Want
or
Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate
by H. Abbott, H. Granger, L. Lovegood & G. Weasley
It had become a ritual of sorts.
Every second Thursday of the month, at exactly five in the afternoon, they would all meet at the newly renovated Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour in Diagon Alley, where they indulged in all sorts of guilty pleasures such as Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream Bombes, Triple Berry (Strawberry, Blueberry and Snozzberry) Parfaits and, in Hermione’s case, because she had been brought up by dentists and didn’t know any better, plain vanilla frozen yogurt with a sprinkle of shredded Toothflossing Stringmints.
And of course, they indulged in the kind of conversation that young, upwardly mobile witches often indulged in - what was happening in the Ministry, what the latest fashion was out of Wizarding Paris, who was dating whom, who had broken up with whom, who had been broken up and now were back together again…
In short, they caught up on the latest, and juiciest, gossip.
“You know, I heard that Romilda Vane was caught with Nigel Smedley in a very compromising position in the lifts at the Ministry,” said Ginny Weasley, Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies, as she licked her spoon and dipped it again into her Death by Chocolate and then Some. “Is it true, then?”
Her best friend, Hermione Granger, who worked for the Ministry of Magic, made a face. “I don’t normally indulge in office gossip,” Ginny snorted at this, earning her a glare from Hermione, “however, since practically everyone was talking about it, yes, it is true.” She giggled suddenly. “Don’t tell anyone I said so,” she said in hushed tones, “but Eufemia Ingalls from the Floo Regulation Committee said that Smedley was wearing the most atrocious - er - underwear when he ran through the Atrium in his panic at being caught.”
“Really?” Ginny’s eyes opened wide.
“He was supposedly wearing purple Y-fronts.” Hermione lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Tiny, tight purple Y-fronts.”
“Ew. Purple Y-fronts?” Hannah Abbott, a late addition to the group, wrinkled her nose in disgust. She had bumped into Ginny one day while the latter had been checking out the newest Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes products, and had been joining these afternoon get-togethers ever since. She balanced the group out well; she was the level headed one, Hermione, the smart one, Ginny, the feisty one, and Luna, was, well, Luna.
“Does it matter what colour they were?” said Ginny, making a moue of distaste. “Y-fronts are just so… so…”
“Horrifying?” supplied Hannah.
“Appalling?” guessed Hermione.
“Revealing?” suggested Luna.
“Sad,” concluded Ginny with a laugh. “But they’re all of those too. What I really want to know is,” she leaned forward eagerly, “what happened to Romilda?”
“For some reason, she hurled herself into the nearest Floo,” revealed Hermione. “Word is she ended up somewhere here in Diagon Alley.”
“Not exactly in Diagon Alley, but close enough,” said Hannah, chuckling, “because now that you mentioned it, I remember Tom over at the Leaky Cauldron telling me that Romilda caused quite a ruckus the other day when she stumbled out of his fireplace wearing only her knickers. One of the customers nearly had a coronary, and an elderly witch was demanding that Tom call the MLES immediately to arrest Romilda for indecent exposure.”
“Ha!” Ginny cackled with glee. “Wish I could’ve seen that.”
Hermione looked at her somewhat reprovingly. “You’ve never forgiven her for trying to slip that love potion, have you?”
“Nope,” said Ginny cheerfully. “And considering what happened afterwards, she’s not exactly high on your list of favourite people either, is she?”
Hermione opened her mouth to protest, then smiled ruefully. “No, she isn’t,” she admitted.
“Is Nigel Smedley related to Mavis Smedley, the author of My Life with the Aquavirus Maggot: A Journey Towards Enlightenment and Effective Pest Control?” asked Luna Lovegood, her radish necklace floating unnoticed in her Bacon and Cheese Sundae Surprise and unintentionally enhancing its flavour.
“No, Luna,” said Ginny, grinning at her friend. “Nigel Smedley is Hermione’s boss over at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”
“Yes, and a bigger idiot can’t be found in all of England,” said Hermione tartly. “He’s really a poor excuse of a wizard if he couldn’t think of conjuring up some new robes to cover himself with rather than flashing the entire Ministry.”
“Well, it’s understandable, isn’t it?” mused Hannah. “Imagine having your bits on display for everyone to see!”
“Yeah, there probably wasn’t enough blood left in his brain for him to think clearly,” was Ginny’s blunt deduction, “much less do something as complicated as conjuring clothes.”
“Still, as a Ministry employee, and a Department Head no less,” Hermione huffed out, “he should have had the presence of mind-”
“You’re so hard on him because he won’t stop pestering you for a date,” teased Ginny, “isn’t that right?”
“I wouldn’t go out with him even if he was the last wizard on the planet,” retorted Hermione. “He’s the most sexist man I’ve ever met! He even had the gall to ask me why I was working so hard to promote werewolf rights when I could be married already and having babies by the dozen.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance. “What an idiot,” she fumed. “He makes me want to accept Kingsley’s proposition that I transfer to Magical Law Enforcement.”
“You should. You’d do much better there,” said Ginny supportively. “Speaking of idiots, I had the misfortune to run into one yesterday while I was having lunch at the Leaky with the other Harpies. Remember Wendell Atkinson?”
“Oh dear. Is he still hanging about?”
“Like a lurking lurker who doesn’t know when to stop lurking,” said Ginny, scowling.
“Who’s Wendell Atkinson?” asked Hannah.
“The manager of the Appleby Arrows. He’s quite smitten with Ginny,” Hermione informed Hannah, as Ginny made gagging noises, “and he can’t seem to take no for an answer either.”
Ginny snorted derisively. “He cornered me when I was coming back from the loo and I couldn’t get rid of him. He’s an absolute bore and what’s really sad is that he tries to cover up the rather obvious fact that he’s balding by having a comb-over and the sorriest excuse for a beard.”
“Perhaps it was a Hairy Brown Bundimun,” volunteered Luna. “They have a penchant for human skin. They like the warmth, you see.” She absentmindedly removed her necklace from her ice cream and wiped it clean with a serviette. “It’s conducive to their mating rituals. Makes their pheromone levels shoot up.”
The others were so used to these bizarre pronouncements from the blonde witch that the only discernable reaction was a slight twitching of Ginny’s lips before she continued her tale. “You may be right, Luna. I really thought that a furry animal had attached itself to his chin and made its home there, and that he simply wasn’t aware of it. I almost called the Pest Advisory Board.”
Hermione burst out laughing. “Did you?”
“No, but I should have. They would’ve taken him away for decontamination and saved me from having to pretend that I was listening to him nattering on and on about his collection of rare cauldrons and crucibles.” Ginny grimaced in disgust. “Good thing Gwenog called me over or else I’d probably still be at the Leaky up to now, slowly dying of boredom.”
Hannah spoke up. “The last wizard I went out with was almost as bad. All he kept talking about was his ex-girlfriend and how wonderful she was and how much he missed her and so on and so forth.”
The other girls groaned in unison, even Luna. “Oh you poor thing!” she exclaimed, reaching out and patting Hannah’s hand.
“That’s worse than being bored out of your skull,” said Ginny.
“If he wasn’t over her, he shouldn’t have agreed to go on a blind date with you,” declared Hermione.
“Exactly!” said Hannah. “And then, when I said that I wasn’t interested in going out with him a second time, he had the nerve to ask why!” She slumped dejectedly into her seat. “What I wouldn’t give to date a nice, decent wizard. One who doesn’t talk about his ex-”
“-or ramble on about his cauldron and crucible collection-” added Ginny dryly.
“-or tell you that a woman is only good for making babies!” finished Hermione, slapping the table for emphasis.
“Yes! Is that too much to ask?” said Hannah plaintively. “There must be someone out there who’s ideal date material!”
“There does seem to be a surplus of un-dateable blokes, isn’t there?” said Ginny, digging into the last of her ice cream.
“Does your date calling you ‘baby’ every five minutes and rearranging his bollocks in a very obvious manner count as un-dateable?” Luna piped up, blinking her eyes at them.
Hermione and Hannah choked on their ice cream while Ginny almost fell out of her chair because she was laughing so hard.
“Because Murray MacTavish did that when I met him for dinner the other night. It was most distracting, the way he kept reaching down like that,” continued Luna blithely, completely oblivious to the fact that the other girls were now all practically crying with laughter.
“Luna,” Ginny finally managed to gasp out, “what did you say to the git?”
“I asked him very politely if he had an infestation of chizpurfles in his pubic hair, because Daddy has a recipe for a poultice made from dirigible plums and nargles, and I could Owl it to him if he liked.” Luna frowned as the girls went off in another round of hysterical giggles. “I don’t know why Murray got all quiet. He seemed annoyed, really, and we went home quite soon after that.” The blonde witch sighed. “He was rather fit too. I was looking forward to shagging him, actually,” she announced with casual indifference.
“Luna!” shrieked Hermione, scandalized.
“Oh come off it, Hermione,” said Ginny, flapping her hand at the brunette. “Luna can shag who she wants to shag. She’s a grown witch after all. Although truth be told, Luna, I think you’re better off for not shagging this Murray bloke.”
“Yes, I suppose it was for the best,” remarked Luna, scooping up some more bacon from her sundae. “His kissing did leave a lot to be desired. It was mostly tongue and not enough nibbling.” She chewed thoughtfully. “I like nibbling.”
“Someone should really take these wizards in hand and tell them exactly what makes them so un-dateable,” pronounced Hannah.
“That’s a great idea!” Ginny nodded enthusiastically. “Why don’t we do it? Let’s all list down the stuff that men do that makes us go ‘ew’, compile it into a book and have someone publish it. We’ll make loads of Galleons!” She grinned at them. “And even if we don’t, we’ll be contributing to the betterment of society!”
“Just how will we be contributing to the betterment of society, Ginny?” asked Hermione, sounding sceptical and amused at the same time.
“Well, we’ll be helping blokes everywhere by giving them tips on how to keep from embarrassing themselves on dates, for one,” replied Ginny. “Think of all the mental anguish we’ll be sparing them!”
“Yes, and because we’ve helped these poor wizards in transforming themselves into fanciable blokes, we’ll be helping all the women too because they won’t have to be subjected to gits and prats whenever they go on blind dates,” chimed in Hannah.
“And everyone will have someone to shag,” added Luna happily. “It’s a very good idea, Ginny. I can get Daddy to publish it, I’m sure.”
“Thank you, Luna. That’s very generous of you.” Ginny winked at Hermione, who had turned red at Luna’s statement. “So, Hermione, do you happen to have some parchment and a quill? I know you do.”
“This is mad, you know,” said Hermione, even as she began searching in her purse. “Isn’t it a bit sexist?” she asked, finally unearthing a piece of parchment and a self-inking quill from the depths of her bag. “I’m not sure if we should publish it. It makes us sound shallow, and we’ll certainly get into trouble-”
“Hermione, we’re not really going to publish it,” Ginny reassured her. “We’re just having some fun, see?”
Her friend still looked doubtful. “Yes, however-”
“I know, why don’t you edit our inputs so you can make certain it sounds more logical and scientific?”
“Well… I suppose I could...” Hermione tapped the end of the quill against the tabletop, deep in thought. “Just to make certain…”
“Good,” said Ginny hastily before Hermione could change her mind. “Anyone have any ideas for a title, then?”
“The Idiot’s Guide to Dating?” offered Hannah with a giggle.
“That might work. Any other suggestions?”
“I’ve got it!” said Hermione excitedly. “An In-Depth Analysis of the Foibles and Quirks of Sexual Attraction and the Phenomenon of-”
“Er, that’s great, thank you, Hermione,” Ginny interrupted her, exchanging amused glances with Hannah, “but I think we should go for something a bit more… catchy.”
“But you said you wanted something scientific-”
“How about Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate,” said Luna, scratching her nose with the end of her spoon.
“That’s brilliant, Luna!” said Ginny, laughing out loud. “I like it.”
“Me too!” said Hannah.
Hermione shook her head and then laughed along with them. “All right, then, Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate it is,” she said as she wrote it out. “Okay, now for the list. I think that we should organise it into categories.”
“What do you mean?” asked Hannah.
“I mean like there must be some traits that are still redeemable given the right motivation and guidance, while others are beyond any help barring total mental reprogramming and genetic re-engineering.”
At the total silence that met her proclamation, Hermione looked up from the parchment and rolled her eyes at the others’ blank expressions. “Let’s just decide which qualities we can work with and which are completely hopeless, shall we?”
“Well, all right, then. Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” said Ginny. “So, for things that will definitely send witches Apparating for the hills, we’ve got: Y-fronts - coloured or not, sexist remarks…”
“Don’t forget the rearranging of the bollocks,” interjected Luna, “and not enough lip-nibbling!”
“…public rearranging of bollocks, not enough lip-nibbling,” repeated Ginny dutifully, “comb-overs and talking incessantly about your ex-girlfriends …”
“Comb-overs aren’t that bad, are they?” objected Hermione as she rushed to scribble everything down.
“Yes, they are,” said Ginny firmly. “Trust me, Hermione.”
“How about goatees, or sideburns, or-” whispered Hannah, as a wizard with a curious pattern of facial hair and an even more curious feathery hairstyle passed them by before entering Flourish and Blotts across the street, “-mullets?”
“Holy mother of Merlin, is the mullet back in fashion? Can it go away again, please?” moaned Ginny. “And I personally like my men clean-shaven, although I think a bit of a stubble can be sexy, yes?”
“Oh yes, quite,” said Luna, her eyes glazing over as if she were remembering something pleasant.
“However,” said Hannah, her eyebrows disappearing into her hairline as another wizard wandered past, “white socks with anything but trainers are definitely not sexy.”
They all shuddered simultaneously, eyeing the man with barely concealed horror. The poor wizard, sensing their gaze, turned around and looked directly at them. When he saw that a group of attractive witches were staring unabashedly at him, he puffed out his chest - evidently mistaking their scrutiny for admiration - waved and strutted off, his chunky brown leather sandals squeaking noisily on the pavement as he made his way towards Gringotts.
“Those sandals alone are cause for immediate apprehension by the MLES,” said Ginny with a derisive snort, “but to pair them with white socks?” She shook her head in despair. “Unforgiveable.”
“Too right,” agreed Hannah.
“Anyway,” Ginny went on, “all we’ve done is list down the negative things. Anyone here with ideas on what makes a wizard top date material?”
“I’d like someone who’s loyal and responsible,” said Hannah with a wistful sigh. “He doesn’t even have to be that handsome, mind.”
“My perfect man is funny and charming,” volunteered Hermione, “and sensitive and mature-”
“Hang on,” Ginny arched an eyebrow and smirked, “you are going out with my brother, right?”
Hermione flushed but held her head up high. “Ron’s become quite sensitive lately,” she said in a lofty tone, “if you haven’t noticed, and he’s been really mature about a lot of things-”
“I’m only kidding, Hermione.” Ginny held up her hands in mock surrender. “What about you, Luna?” she asked the blonde girl who was polishing off the remainder of her dessert. “What do you want in a wizard?”
“I’m not too picky,” said Luna blandly. “But I really wouldn’t say no to a date with someone who has an appreciation for the finer things in life, just like Daddy. That’s my ideal mate.”
Hermione and Ginny looked at each other. “You might never find that wizard, Luna,” said Hermione, not unkindly.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’ll find him soon enough. In the meantime,” Luna waved her spoon in the air, “I’m having fun trying out different men. It’s rather liberating.”
Hermione gaped at her while the other girls broke out in giggles once more. Luna seemed perplexed at their reaction and then her brow cleared. “Oh, but I’m sorry, Ginny. I forgot that you haven’t told us what your ideal mate is. Go ahead, please. I’m all ears.” She sat back and waited expectantly.
After letting out a final snort of laughter, Ginny managed to get herself under control. “Okay, well, my definition of Mr Dateable is a wizard who’s smart, loyal, noble, brave to a fault, charming, funny, sexy as hell,” Ginny waggled her eyebrows suggestively at this pronouncement, earning her a fresh round of chuckles, “and maybe occasionally he’s a stubborn prat but he makes up for it at once - or at least makes an attempt to - and what’s more, he’s absolutely ace at this lip-nibbling business.”
Hannah began laughing again, this time in disbelief. “Ginny, this paragon of maleness simply does not exist,” she protested.
“Oh yes, he does.” Ginny nodded vigorously. “I just saw him this morning, and he was wearing a really fab black jumper that outlined his fit body to perfection,” she said with a mischievous smirk.
“Does he also happen to be wearing regulation Auror robes over that fab black jumper of his?” was Hermione’s wry question.
“Yeah,” replied Ginny with a dreamy sigh. “He really looks handsome in those Auror robes.”
“Well, it’s your lucky day, then, because he seems to be heading your way.”
“Oh good. He’s right on time,” said Ginny, a brilliant smile lighting up her features. “I don’t have any chocolate sauce on me, do I?” she asked, glancing down and inspecting her top for stains.
“No, you look great,” Hannah assured her. “I’m certain Harry won’t find anything to complain about.”
They all turned to watch as Harry Potter approached their table. “Evening, ladies,” he called out, smiling and nodding pleasantly at them. “Everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine, Harry,” answered Hermione. “Would you like some yogurt?” She pushed the melting remains of her dessert towards him.
“No thanks. I’m still full - I just had a butterbeer with Ron,” explained Harry, “who, by the way, Hermione, told me to tell you that no, he hasn’t forgotten it’s your anniversary today and that he’ll be round your flat at seven sharp.”
Hermione turned pink. “Thanks for the information.”
“Hey, you were right, Hermione - Ron has become more sensitive!” said Ginny teasingly. “Congratulations!”
“Oh do shut up,” Hermione murmured, although she looked enormously pleased.
“Have you come to take Ginny away?” asked Luna, peering up at Harry.
“Yes, please, if you don’t mind,” replied Harry with a grin. He held out his hand to Ginny, who was beaming at him, her pretty face flushed and glowing. “Ready?”
“You bet.” She bussed the other witches’ cheeks before standing up and linking arms with Harry, who gave her a quick kiss on the lips. “Sorry for leaving early, but Harry and I have a date to see little Teddy Lupin this evening.”
“We have to stop by Quality Quidditch Supplies first, Ginny,” Harry reminded her. “I want to get Teddy a toy broom for his birthday and you promised you’d help me pick one out for him.”
“Oh, he’s good with children too,” sighed Hannah. “Mr Dateable, indeed.”
“I know, right?” said Ginny, looking up at her boyfriend with evident pride.
Harry appeared thoroughly bewildered. “Erm… I seem to be missing something here.”
“I’ll explain on the way, love,” said Ginny, laughing as she squeezed his arm and kissed him on the cheek. “See you later, girls.”
Harry and Ginny waved goodbye and walked away, holding hands and smiling at each other. As they disappeared from view, Hannah let out another sigh of longing. “Well, another fanciable bloke permanently off the market. Has Harry proposed yet?”
“No.” Hermione shook her head. “But I’m thinking it’ll be soon. He’s got the ring already. It’s beautiful. He showed it to me and Ron the other day.”
“That’s nice,” remarked Luna. “I always knew Harry and Ginny would end up together. They were meant to be, much like each female Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humdinger is meant only for one particular male Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humdinger.”
“Uh… okay,” said Hannah slowly over Hermione’s faint protestations that there were no such creatures in existence. “You think I’ll find my own male Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humwotsit soon?”
“Oh yes!” said Luna with unflappable enthusiasm. “This book that we’re going to publish will help you find him. Isn’t that right, Hermione?”
“Um, well, yes, about that...” stammered Hermione, as Hannah giggled quietly into her Malted Mocha Madness Milkshake.
“Lovely!” exclaimed Luna, clapping her hands in delight. “Now, there should definitely a chapter on sexual positions, don’t you think?” She tilted her head and gazed keenly at Hermione, who was so flustered that her face had turned as scarlet as Ginny’s hair. “What are your views about the witch being on top? Hermione?”
“Luna!”
*end*
Author: cwarbeck
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3702
Summary: Ginny and the girls talk about underpants, facial hair, and the search for the elusive Mr Dateable.
A/N: Written for the December challenge at catchmysnitch, where the prompt was Diagon Alley. Dedicated to alxndrjosephine, because she bribed me with the promise of an HP themed layout, and I’m easy like that. I hope you like it, She, and thanks in advance. My everlasting gratitude as always to Chreechree, the queen of all betas. To my male readers - all three of you - there's a whole lot of estrogen in this fic, so you have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. ☺
What Witches Want
or
Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate
by H. Abbott, H. Granger, L. Lovegood & G. Weasley
It had become a ritual of sorts.
Every second Thursday of the month, at exactly five in the afternoon, they would all meet at the newly renovated Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour in Diagon Alley, where they indulged in all sorts of guilty pleasures such as Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream Bombes, Triple Berry (Strawberry, Blueberry and Snozzberry) Parfaits and, in Hermione’s case, because she had been brought up by dentists and didn’t know any better, plain vanilla frozen yogurt with a sprinkle of shredded Toothflossing Stringmints.
And of course, they indulged in the kind of conversation that young, upwardly mobile witches often indulged in - what was happening in the Ministry, what the latest fashion was out of Wizarding Paris, who was dating whom, who had broken up with whom, who had been broken up and now were back together again…
In short, they caught up on the latest, and juiciest, gossip.
“You know, I heard that Romilda Vane was caught with Nigel Smedley in a very compromising position in the lifts at the Ministry,” said Ginny Weasley, Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies, as she licked her spoon and dipped it again into her Death by Chocolate and then Some. “Is it true, then?”
Her best friend, Hermione Granger, who worked for the Ministry of Magic, made a face. “I don’t normally indulge in office gossip,” Ginny snorted at this, earning her a glare from Hermione, “however, since practically everyone was talking about it, yes, it is true.” She giggled suddenly. “Don’t tell anyone I said so,” she said in hushed tones, “but Eufemia Ingalls from the Floo Regulation Committee said that Smedley was wearing the most atrocious - er - underwear when he ran through the Atrium in his panic at being caught.”
“Really?” Ginny’s eyes opened wide.
“He was supposedly wearing purple Y-fronts.” Hermione lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Tiny, tight purple Y-fronts.”
“Ew. Purple Y-fronts?” Hannah Abbott, a late addition to the group, wrinkled her nose in disgust. She had bumped into Ginny one day while the latter had been checking out the newest Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes products, and had been joining these afternoon get-togethers ever since. She balanced the group out well; she was the level headed one, Hermione, the smart one, Ginny, the feisty one, and Luna, was, well, Luna.
“Does it matter what colour they were?” said Ginny, making a moue of distaste. “Y-fronts are just so… so…”
“Horrifying?” supplied Hannah.
“Appalling?” guessed Hermione.
“Revealing?” suggested Luna.
“Sad,” concluded Ginny with a laugh. “But they’re all of those too. What I really want to know is,” she leaned forward eagerly, “what happened to Romilda?”
“For some reason, she hurled herself into the nearest Floo,” revealed Hermione. “Word is she ended up somewhere here in Diagon Alley.”
“Not exactly in Diagon Alley, but close enough,” said Hannah, chuckling, “because now that you mentioned it, I remember Tom over at the Leaky Cauldron telling me that Romilda caused quite a ruckus the other day when she stumbled out of his fireplace wearing only her knickers. One of the customers nearly had a coronary, and an elderly witch was demanding that Tom call the MLES immediately to arrest Romilda for indecent exposure.”
“Ha!” Ginny cackled with glee. “Wish I could’ve seen that.”
Hermione looked at her somewhat reprovingly. “You’ve never forgiven her for trying to slip that love potion, have you?”
“Nope,” said Ginny cheerfully. “And considering what happened afterwards, she’s not exactly high on your list of favourite people either, is she?”
Hermione opened her mouth to protest, then smiled ruefully. “No, she isn’t,” she admitted.
“Is Nigel Smedley related to Mavis Smedley, the author of My Life with the Aquavirus Maggot: A Journey Towards Enlightenment and Effective Pest Control?” asked Luna Lovegood, her radish necklace floating unnoticed in her Bacon and Cheese Sundae Surprise and unintentionally enhancing its flavour.
“No, Luna,” said Ginny, grinning at her friend. “Nigel Smedley is Hermione’s boss over at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”
“Yes, and a bigger idiot can’t be found in all of England,” said Hermione tartly. “He’s really a poor excuse of a wizard if he couldn’t think of conjuring up some new robes to cover himself with rather than flashing the entire Ministry.”
“Well, it’s understandable, isn’t it?” mused Hannah. “Imagine having your bits on display for everyone to see!”
“Yeah, there probably wasn’t enough blood left in his brain for him to think clearly,” was Ginny’s blunt deduction, “much less do something as complicated as conjuring clothes.”
“Still, as a Ministry employee, and a Department Head no less,” Hermione huffed out, “he should have had the presence of mind-”
“You’re so hard on him because he won’t stop pestering you for a date,” teased Ginny, “isn’t that right?”
“I wouldn’t go out with him even if he was the last wizard on the planet,” retorted Hermione. “He’s the most sexist man I’ve ever met! He even had the gall to ask me why I was working so hard to promote werewolf rights when I could be married already and having babies by the dozen.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance. “What an idiot,” she fumed. “He makes me want to accept Kingsley’s proposition that I transfer to Magical Law Enforcement.”
“You should. You’d do much better there,” said Ginny supportively. “Speaking of idiots, I had the misfortune to run into one yesterday while I was having lunch at the Leaky with the other Harpies. Remember Wendell Atkinson?”
“Oh dear. Is he still hanging about?”
“Like a lurking lurker who doesn’t know when to stop lurking,” said Ginny, scowling.
“Who’s Wendell Atkinson?” asked Hannah.
“The manager of the Appleby Arrows. He’s quite smitten with Ginny,” Hermione informed Hannah, as Ginny made gagging noises, “and he can’t seem to take no for an answer either.”
Ginny snorted derisively. “He cornered me when I was coming back from the loo and I couldn’t get rid of him. He’s an absolute bore and what’s really sad is that he tries to cover up the rather obvious fact that he’s balding by having a comb-over and the sorriest excuse for a beard.”
“Perhaps it was a Hairy Brown Bundimun,” volunteered Luna. “They have a penchant for human skin. They like the warmth, you see.” She absentmindedly removed her necklace from her ice cream and wiped it clean with a serviette. “It’s conducive to their mating rituals. Makes their pheromone levels shoot up.”
The others were so used to these bizarre pronouncements from the blonde witch that the only discernable reaction was a slight twitching of Ginny’s lips before she continued her tale. “You may be right, Luna. I really thought that a furry animal had attached itself to his chin and made its home there, and that he simply wasn’t aware of it. I almost called the Pest Advisory Board.”
Hermione burst out laughing. “Did you?”
“No, but I should have. They would’ve taken him away for decontamination and saved me from having to pretend that I was listening to him nattering on and on about his collection of rare cauldrons and crucibles.” Ginny grimaced in disgust. “Good thing Gwenog called me over or else I’d probably still be at the Leaky up to now, slowly dying of boredom.”
Hannah spoke up. “The last wizard I went out with was almost as bad. All he kept talking about was his ex-girlfriend and how wonderful she was and how much he missed her and so on and so forth.”
The other girls groaned in unison, even Luna. “Oh you poor thing!” she exclaimed, reaching out and patting Hannah’s hand.
“That’s worse than being bored out of your skull,” said Ginny.
“If he wasn’t over her, he shouldn’t have agreed to go on a blind date with you,” declared Hermione.
“Exactly!” said Hannah. “And then, when I said that I wasn’t interested in going out with him a second time, he had the nerve to ask why!” She slumped dejectedly into her seat. “What I wouldn’t give to date a nice, decent wizard. One who doesn’t talk about his ex-”
“-or ramble on about his cauldron and crucible collection-” added Ginny dryly.
“-or tell you that a woman is only good for making babies!” finished Hermione, slapping the table for emphasis.
“Yes! Is that too much to ask?” said Hannah plaintively. “There must be someone out there who’s ideal date material!”
“There does seem to be a surplus of un-dateable blokes, isn’t there?” said Ginny, digging into the last of her ice cream.
“Does your date calling you ‘baby’ every five minutes and rearranging his bollocks in a very obvious manner count as un-dateable?” Luna piped up, blinking her eyes at them.
Hermione and Hannah choked on their ice cream while Ginny almost fell out of her chair because she was laughing so hard.
“Because Murray MacTavish did that when I met him for dinner the other night. It was most distracting, the way he kept reaching down like that,” continued Luna blithely, completely oblivious to the fact that the other girls were now all practically crying with laughter.
“Luna,” Ginny finally managed to gasp out, “what did you say to the git?”
“I asked him very politely if he had an infestation of chizpurfles in his pubic hair, because Daddy has a recipe for a poultice made from dirigible plums and nargles, and I could Owl it to him if he liked.” Luna frowned as the girls went off in another round of hysterical giggles. “I don’t know why Murray got all quiet. He seemed annoyed, really, and we went home quite soon after that.” The blonde witch sighed. “He was rather fit too. I was looking forward to shagging him, actually,” she announced with casual indifference.
“Luna!” shrieked Hermione, scandalized.
“Oh come off it, Hermione,” said Ginny, flapping her hand at the brunette. “Luna can shag who she wants to shag. She’s a grown witch after all. Although truth be told, Luna, I think you’re better off for not shagging this Murray bloke.”
“Yes, I suppose it was for the best,” remarked Luna, scooping up some more bacon from her sundae. “His kissing did leave a lot to be desired. It was mostly tongue and not enough nibbling.” She chewed thoughtfully. “I like nibbling.”
“Someone should really take these wizards in hand and tell them exactly what makes them so un-dateable,” pronounced Hannah.
“That’s a great idea!” Ginny nodded enthusiastically. “Why don’t we do it? Let’s all list down the stuff that men do that makes us go ‘ew’, compile it into a book and have someone publish it. We’ll make loads of Galleons!” She grinned at them. “And even if we don’t, we’ll be contributing to the betterment of society!”
“Just how will we be contributing to the betterment of society, Ginny?” asked Hermione, sounding sceptical and amused at the same time.
“Well, we’ll be helping blokes everywhere by giving them tips on how to keep from embarrassing themselves on dates, for one,” replied Ginny. “Think of all the mental anguish we’ll be sparing them!”
“Yes, and because we’ve helped these poor wizards in transforming themselves into fanciable blokes, we’ll be helping all the women too because they won’t have to be subjected to gits and prats whenever they go on blind dates,” chimed in Hannah.
“And everyone will have someone to shag,” added Luna happily. “It’s a very good idea, Ginny. I can get Daddy to publish it, I’m sure.”
“Thank you, Luna. That’s very generous of you.” Ginny winked at Hermione, who had turned red at Luna’s statement. “So, Hermione, do you happen to have some parchment and a quill? I know you do.”
“This is mad, you know,” said Hermione, even as she began searching in her purse. “Isn’t it a bit sexist?” she asked, finally unearthing a piece of parchment and a self-inking quill from the depths of her bag. “I’m not sure if we should publish it. It makes us sound shallow, and we’ll certainly get into trouble-”
“Hermione, we’re not really going to publish it,” Ginny reassured her. “We’re just having some fun, see?”
Her friend still looked doubtful. “Yes, however-”
“I know, why don’t you edit our inputs so you can make certain it sounds more logical and scientific?”
“Well… I suppose I could...” Hermione tapped the end of the quill against the tabletop, deep in thought. “Just to make certain…”
“Good,” said Ginny hastily before Hermione could change her mind. “Anyone have any ideas for a title, then?”
“The Idiot’s Guide to Dating?” offered Hannah with a giggle.
“That might work. Any other suggestions?”
“I’ve got it!” said Hermione excitedly. “An In-Depth Analysis of the Foibles and Quirks of Sexual Attraction and the Phenomenon of-”
“Er, that’s great, thank you, Hermione,” Ginny interrupted her, exchanging amused glances with Hannah, “but I think we should go for something a bit more… catchy.”
“But you said you wanted something scientific-”
“How about Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate,” said Luna, scratching her nose with the end of her spoon.
“That’s brilliant, Luna!” said Ginny, laughing out loud. “I like it.”
“Me too!” said Hannah.
Hermione shook her head and then laughed along with them. “All right, then, Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Dateless and Desperate it is,” she said as she wrote it out. “Okay, now for the list. I think that we should organise it into categories.”
“What do you mean?” asked Hannah.
“I mean like there must be some traits that are still redeemable given the right motivation and guidance, while others are beyond any help barring total mental reprogramming and genetic re-engineering.”
At the total silence that met her proclamation, Hermione looked up from the parchment and rolled her eyes at the others’ blank expressions. “Let’s just decide which qualities we can work with and which are completely hopeless, shall we?”
“Well, all right, then. Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” said Ginny. “So, for things that will definitely send witches Apparating for the hills, we’ve got: Y-fronts - coloured or not, sexist remarks…”
“Don’t forget the rearranging of the bollocks,” interjected Luna, “and not enough lip-nibbling!”
“…public rearranging of bollocks, not enough lip-nibbling,” repeated Ginny dutifully, “comb-overs and talking incessantly about your ex-girlfriends …”
“Comb-overs aren’t that bad, are they?” objected Hermione as she rushed to scribble everything down.
“Yes, they are,” said Ginny firmly. “Trust me, Hermione.”
“How about goatees, or sideburns, or-” whispered Hannah, as a wizard with a curious pattern of facial hair and an even more curious feathery hairstyle passed them by before entering Flourish and Blotts across the street, “-mullets?”
“Holy mother of Merlin, is the mullet back in fashion? Can it go away again, please?” moaned Ginny. “And I personally like my men clean-shaven, although I think a bit of a stubble can be sexy, yes?”
“Oh yes, quite,” said Luna, her eyes glazing over as if she were remembering something pleasant.
“However,” said Hannah, her eyebrows disappearing into her hairline as another wizard wandered past, “white socks with anything but trainers are definitely not sexy.”
They all shuddered simultaneously, eyeing the man with barely concealed horror. The poor wizard, sensing their gaze, turned around and looked directly at them. When he saw that a group of attractive witches were staring unabashedly at him, he puffed out his chest - evidently mistaking their scrutiny for admiration - waved and strutted off, his chunky brown leather sandals squeaking noisily on the pavement as he made his way towards Gringotts.
“Those sandals alone are cause for immediate apprehension by the MLES,” said Ginny with a derisive snort, “but to pair them with white socks?” She shook her head in despair. “Unforgiveable.”
“Too right,” agreed Hannah.
“Anyway,” Ginny went on, “all we’ve done is list down the negative things. Anyone here with ideas on what makes a wizard top date material?”
“I’d like someone who’s loyal and responsible,” said Hannah with a wistful sigh. “He doesn’t even have to be that handsome, mind.”
“My perfect man is funny and charming,” volunteered Hermione, “and sensitive and mature-”
“Hang on,” Ginny arched an eyebrow and smirked, “you are going out with my brother, right?”
Hermione flushed but held her head up high. “Ron’s become quite sensitive lately,” she said in a lofty tone, “if you haven’t noticed, and he’s been really mature about a lot of things-”
“I’m only kidding, Hermione.” Ginny held up her hands in mock surrender. “What about you, Luna?” she asked the blonde girl who was polishing off the remainder of her dessert. “What do you want in a wizard?”
“I’m not too picky,” said Luna blandly. “But I really wouldn’t say no to a date with someone who has an appreciation for the finer things in life, just like Daddy. That’s my ideal mate.”
Hermione and Ginny looked at each other. “You might never find that wizard, Luna,” said Hermione, not unkindly.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’ll find him soon enough. In the meantime,” Luna waved her spoon in the air, “I’m having fun trying out different men. It’s rather liberating.”
Hermione gaped at her while the other girls broke out in giggles once more. Luna seemed perplexed at their reaction and then her brow cleared. “Oh, but I’m sorry, Ginny. I forgot that you haven’t told us what your ideal mate is. Go ahead, please. I’m all ears.” She sat back and waited expectantly.
After letting out a final snort of laughter, Ginny managed to get herself under control. “Okay, well, my definition of Mr Dateable is a wizard who’s smart, loyal, noble, brave to a fault, charming, funny, sexy as hell,” Ginny waggled her eyebrows suggestively at this pronouncement, earning her a fresh round of chuckles, “and maybe occasionally he’s a stubborn prat but he makes up for it at once - or at least makes an attempt to - and what’s more, he’s absolutely ace at this lip-nibbling business.”
Hannah began laughing again, this time in disbelief. “Ginny, this paragon of maleness simply does not exist,” she protested.
“Oh yes, he does.” Ginny nodded vigorously. “I just saw him this morning, and he was wearing a really fab black jumper that outlined his fit body to perfection,” she said with a mischievous smirk.
“Does he also happen to be wearing regulation Auror robes over that fab black jumper of his?” was Hermione’s wry question.
“Yeah,” replied Ginny with a dreamy sigh. “He really looks handsome in those Auror robes.”
“Well, it’s your lucky day, then, because he seems to be heading your way.”
“Oh good. He’s right on time,” said Ginny, a brilliant smile lighting up her features. “I don’t have any chocolate sauce on me, do I?” she asked, glancing down and inspecting her top for stains.
“No, you look great,” Hannah assured her. “I’m certain Harry won’t find anything to complain about.”
They all turned to watch as Harry Potter approached their table. “Evening, ladies,” he called out, smiling and nodding pleasantly at them. “Everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine, Harry,” answered Hermione. “Would you like some yogurt?” She pushed the melting remains of her dessert towards him.
“No thanks. I’m still full - I just had a butterbeer with Ron,” explained Harry, “who, by the way, Hermione, told me to tell you that no, he hasn’t forgotten it’s your anniversary today and that he’ll be round your flat at seven sharp.”
Hermione turned pink. “Thanks for the information.”
“Hey, you were right, Hermione - Ron has become more sensitive!” said Ginny teasingly. “Congratulations!”
“Oh do shut up,” Hermione murmured, although she looked enormously pleased.
“Have you come to take Ginny away?” asked Luna, peering up at Harry.
“Yes, please, if you don’t mind,” replied Harry with a grin. He held out his hand to Ginny, who was beaming at him, her pretty face flushed and glowing. “Ready?”
“You bet.” She bussed the other witches’ cheeks before standing up and linking arms with Harry, who gave her a quick kiss on the lips. “Sorry for leaving early, but Harry and I have a date to see little Teddy Lupin this evening.”
“We have to stop by Quality Quidditch Supplies first, Ginny,” Harry reminded her. “I want to get Teddy a toy broom for his birthday and you promised you’d help me pick one out for him.”
“Oh, he’s good with children too,” sighed Hannah. “Mr Dateable, indeed.”
“I know, right?” said Ginny, looking up at her boyfriend with evident pride.
Harry appeared thoroughly bewildered. “Erm… I seem to be missing something here.”
“I’ll explain on the way, love,” said Ginny, laughing as she squeezed his arm and kissed him on the cheek. “See you later, girls.”
Harry and Ginny waved goodbye and walked away, holding hands and smiling at each other. As they disappeared from view, Hannah let out another sigh of longing. “Well, another fanciable bloke permanently off the market. Has Harry proposed yet?”
“No.” Hermione shook her head. “But I’m thinking it’ll be soon. He’s got the ring already. It’s beautiful. He showed it to me and Ron the other day.”
“That’s nice,” remarked Luna. “I always knew Harry and Ginny would end up together. They were meant to be, much like each female Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humdinger is meant only for one particular male Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humdinger.”
“Uh… okay,” said Hannah slowly over Hermione’s faint protestations that there were no such creatures in existence. “You think I’ll find my own male Triple-Breasted Blibbering Humwotsit soon?”
“Oh yes!” said Luna with unflappable enthusiasm. “This book that we’re going to publish will help you find him. Isn’t that right, Hermione?”
“Um, well, yes, about that...” stammered Hermione, as Hannah giggled quietly into her Malted Mocha Madness Milkshake.
“Lovely!” exclaimed Luna, clapping her hands in delight. “Now, there should definitely a chapter on sexual positions, don’t you think?” She tilted her head and gazed keenly at Hermione, who was so flustered that her face had turned as scarlet as Ginny’s hair. “What are your views about the witch being on top? Hermione?”
“Luna!”
*end*