Fanfiction || You're My First, My Last, My Everything || Jane/Maura || Part Four

[cuzimastripper]

Title: You're My First, My Last, My Everything
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): tamswitter & alassante (chapter 5 only)
Fandom: Rizzoli & Isles
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Length Thus Far: 35,438 words
Summary: The first time is always the easiest to remember, but the hardest to get to.
A/N: First Rizzoli & Isles fic! I found there just isn't enough 'first time' fics for this fandom (that I've seen anyway - most tend to have an already established relationship between our two girls) and since that is my writing fetish I decided to give it a shot. I'm incredibly long winded though and like to draw shit out, so this will probably be a long one lol. And I know the title is sap!fest but my creativity in titling is lacking today, haha.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE

A/N: I just want to say I love you guys. Ya'll stroke my ego in so many pleasing ways *innuendo* lol. No but really, I appreciate all the reviews. You guys review like CRAZY in this fandom! And I so was supposed to post this tomorrow but I have writer's block and need something to do before I go to bed, haha.

CHAPTER SEVEN
First Indecision

The first time Jane decided to be the most indecisive person on the planet was about three months later.

After their encounter in the bathroom, things got awkward between them. Jane was adamant, however, about them being friends since it was important to her (and crucial to her point of why they shouldn’t be romantically involved), but she either failed to see or didn’t want to see how difficult it was going to be getting back to some semblance of normalcy after all that. Maura tried to explain to her that they probably needed some space, but Jane wasn’t hearing any of it. Because of that, there was long, awkward silences and tension at work. It was even worse when they tried to hang out outside of work because it seemed like they had absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. They’d sit there and drink their beverages in silence and Maura would try to come up with some excuse, any excuse, to try and leave.

It got slightly better as the months wore on, though not by a whole lot; there was still the weird, awkward moments that tended to jump in without warning. Maura wasn’t sure if they would ever get back to being the friends that they once were.

The last thing Maura was going to do was beg for Jane to be with her. It was up to Jane whether she wanted to take their friendship to the next level and unfortunately Maura believed that she’s far too scared to right now, probably for a variety of reasons. But after two months of continuously pining over Jane; watching her serial date a bunch of random men in attempt to either a) convince herself she’s not gay or b) frantically try to move on and forget, Maura decided that it was time she try to move on herself.

It could take Jane months to finally come around. Maybe years. Maybe never.

So Maura reacquainted herself with Maggie Cole of Narcotics. She was a really great woman; very polite and very classy when she needed to be, but could also tackle drug dealers to the ground and hold a gun on a suspect in a way that inspired fear and awe. She was almost too perfect for Maura, which made her wonder what exactly is wrong with her. Because there had to be something, right? Maura felt like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But for the time being, she was enjoying her time with Maggie. It wasn’t serious, which was something Maura needed; something light. They went on a couple dates and while the kisses goodnight were fantastic, Maura knew she couldn’t get much more serious than that with her because she couldn’t help but think that Jane kissed so much better.

But she knew that wasn’t going to happen any time soon either. She also knew it probably wasn’t a great thing for either of them for her to be comparing her to Jane.

After another date, Maggie dropped Maura off at her house. She opened her car door for her and helped her out, giving her a small smile before leaning in for a kiss. After a quick goodbye and Maggie asking if she was free over the weekend and Maura confirming, she made her way up into her apartment, planning on a long, hot bath.

What she wasn’t planning on was opening her door and seeing Jane sitting on her couch. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Jane apologizes, standing up after Maura’s exclamation of surprise to greet her. “You- I had a key, and I just-”

“No, it’s fine. I know, I didn’t-I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” Maura says, stumbling over her words and trying to slow the erratic beating of her heart. She closes the door behind her, locking it, before leaning against the frame and looking at her friend. “You… you could have called, you know.”

“No, I know. I’m sorry, I just-this case is fuckin’ with my head and I didn’t wanna deal with it… alone, you know?” Jane tells her, sitting back down on the couch and putting her head in her hands. They were working on a case involving a serial child murderer; it was getting to everyone. Maura’s been trying to just focus on other things, but for Jane that hasn’t ever been easy without help. “I didn’t… wanna call, cause you had that date and-”

“How did you know about that?” Maura asks, surprised. Maybe a little worried. She didn’t tell Jane that she started to date Maggie for a reason. Jane looks over at her like she’s being a slow.

“People talk, Maura.”

“Oh.” Maura looks at her for a little while before averting her eyes and putting her purse down on the end table. “It’s nothing serious,” she mumbles.

“I’m… glad,” Jane says, a little awkwardly, which makes Maura look up at her quickly. Jane must have realized what she just implied so she shakes her head, backtracking, “That you’re dating, I mean. That’s good… for you. That’s good, Maura.”

“Oh. Yeah. Maggie’s… she’s really sweet,” Maura says, finding it a little awkward to be talking about this with Jane. She notices her friend’s face look a little disgruntled by that statement, but she quickly changes and gives Maura a small smile.

“That’s nice.”

Maura’s pretty sure Jane doesn’t think it’s nice at all, actually. She’s watching her friend fidget a bit on the couch before she chooses to stand again, running her fingers through her hair. There’s a long, awkward silence and unfortunately, to break it, Maura says something retarded.

“So how’s it going with you and… Mark, was it?”

Mark was her current guy of the week. Maura’s watched her go through so many it’s begun to get hard to keep track. She wishes she never brought up the subject the moment it’s out of her mouth though; she doesn’t want to know, or care to know about the men in Jane’s life.

“Mike,” Jane corrects, then waves her hand like the thought is unimportant. “Complete waste of my time.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Maura is in no way sorry to hear that. “But there’s plenty more fish in the bowl.”

“Sea, Maura. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

“Same difference,” Maura replies as she shrugs off her coat, turning to hang it on the hooks near the door. There’s another silence and Maura can hear Jane shuffling. Maura turns her head to look back at her. “Do you want to talk about the case?” she asks softly, carefully. Jane shakes her head.

“No, I just wanna forget about that horrific shit,” she tells her. She shrugs a little, shoving her hands in her pockets and rocking on the balls of her feet. “I just need a friend right now, I guess,” she mumbles. Jane’s never been good at telling people she needed them, which already speaks volumes to Maura. “Y’know, just… chill. Relax. Whatever. We used to be good at that.”

“Yeah, we used to,” Maura affirms softly. They look at each other for a moment and Maura can see a bit of sadness behind Jane’s eyes. It tugs at her heart and makes her want to go over there and wrap her up in a hug, but they didn’t do stuff like that anymore. They barely touched at all. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything?” she asks quietly. She knows something’s bothering Jane.

But Jane shakes it off and immediately hides the sadness in her eyes. “Nah, forget it. Ya wanna watch a movie or something? We can watch that girly stuff you like if you want. Just wanna have something to take my mind off things.”

“Yeah, of course. Um, let me go take a quick bath first, okay? You can pick out a movie while I’m in there,” Maura says, motioning to her DVD rack as she walks by to the bathroom. She watches Jane bite her lower lip in thought before she nods. Maura gives her a little smile and hurries out of the room.

She closes the door behind her and leans against it, taking a breath and closing her eyes. God, how she wishes that things between them would just go back to normal. It’s too stressful watching what you say, how you act. Maura hears the TV turn on and she strips off her dress, followed closely by her undergarments. She wraps a towel around herself before she stands at the mirror and takes all the bobby pins out of her hair.

This look was totally wasted on Maggie. She wished she was coming back from a date with Jane. Then again, if she was coming back from a date with Jane, she wouldn’t be taking a bath alone right now.

Maura knows she shouldn’t be thinking things like that though, so she shakes out her hair while she busies herself turning on the facet in the bathtub. She stands there for a moment, watching the water fill up. She can’t hear the TV anymore over the sounds of the water and it makes her curious as to what Jane is watching. What she’s thinking. What’s really got her upset. Cases don’t make her sad, they never have. She gets angry; then determined.

Maura sighs, finding Jane too complex to ever truly figure out and thus she should just stop trying. But then she almost jumps out of her skin when she feels hands on her arms.

“Relax, it’s just me,” Jane says softly, which makes Maura relax instantly. She probably didn’t hear her come in because of the sound of the water, but that still doesn’t explain why she’s even in here in the first place. She makes to turn around to try to ask just that, but then stiffens at the feel of lips on the back of her neck.

She’s torn between “what the hell?” and “oh my dear lord,” but all that comes out of her mind is a soft, questioning, and possibly disbelieving, “Jane?” She closes her eyes as Jane starts kissing her neck, making her way down her spine.

Is she dreaming? Did she fall in the tub and hit her head and is now completely delusional?

Jane’s lips are blazing a hot trail over her skin and Maura shudders when she feels her tongue trace her vertebrae. Maura whimpers quietly as Jane’s hands fall from her arms to trace the top of the towel with her thumbs. “Jane?” she tries again, attempting to make sense of this, but all she can concentrate on is Jane’s lips on her skin.

“Shh,” Jane hushes. Maura can hear how much her breathing has picked up and she realizes that that’s how Jane sounds when she’s turned on. That thought alone makes her bite her lip and tilt her head back as she squeezes her thighs together, trying to dull the throbbing ache between her legs.

It seems like it goes on forever, Jane slowly kissing each vertebrae down Maura’s back, but it’s when she gets to the last one before the towel and slowly encourages Maura to drop it, that she’s thrust back into reality with brute force. Her towel hits the floor, exposing her nude body and she shrieks, “Jane!” as she quickly bends down to retrieve her towel, place it over her body, and step away from her quickly. “What are you doing?”

Jane looks taken aback at Maura’s reaction, and then quickly turns defensive. “What I thought you wanted.”

“You thought I wanted you to seduce me?” Maura asks in disbelief, clutching the towel to her chest tightly.

“Don’t you?” Jane asks, equally as confused now. Maura’s dimly aware that the water’s still running and as she looks over she realizes it’s about to overflow. She quickly bends down to turn it off, feeling a blush creep over her cheeks as she remembers a little too late that towel is only covering the front half of the body. She straightens and turns around quickly to face Jane, whose eyebrows are raised.

“Jane, you can’t just… come in here and expect me to sleep with you just because it’s suddenly become convenient!” Maura bursts out, angry.

“Hey, whoa,” Jane says, holding up a hand to stop her. “That-I wasn’t doing it because of that. I just, hell, I don’t know, Maura, okay? I just wanted to kiss you and so I did. Why do you have to make a thing out of it?”

“Because three months ago you told me we couldn’t become romantically involved because it would ruin our friendship!” Maura exclaims. This whole situation is so confusing for her; it feels like it came out of nowhere. It did come out of nowhere. “So what are you doing? You don’t even talk to me first, don’t even take a moment to think about the fact that I’m currently dating someone else; you just jump right in and try to take what you want because you think you’re entitled to it?”

“I didn’t say I was entitled to anything; don’t put words in my mouth!” Jane protests, frustrated. She shakes her head and leans against the bathroom door, crossing her arms over her chest. She purses her lips together, looking let down. She shrugs self-consciously. “I just wanted to kiss you, Maura.”

“You dropped my towel,” Maura says flatly. There was no ‘just kissing’ about that.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I wanted to kiss you in other places too,” Jane tells her flatly, glaring at her a little. Maura, however, has a little trouble taking her next breath. It’s a bit shallow after that mental image. Jane doesn’t seem to even notice though. “I just wish you’d quit analyzing it. Why can’t it just be what it is?”

“Okay, fine,” Maura says, crossing her arms over her chest as well. “So you wanted to have oral sex with me. Then what?”

Jane flushes a little at Maura’s blunt statement. “You really just like to… say stuff like that, don’t you?”

“Well that’s what you wanted to do, wasn’t it?” Maura asks; confused as to why she’s looking at her funny.

“It crossed my mind, yeah,” Jane admits. She doesn’t look at her though and instead chooses to cross over to the sink to fiddle with Maura’s toothbrush. It clangs against the side of the container.

“So then what?” Maura asks. “What happens after?”

“What do you mean?” Jane asks, looking over her shoulder at her. She clearly wasn’t expecting this conversation and her voice hitches at the awkwardness of actually talking about it. “I dunno, we watch a movie or something?”

Sometimes it startles Maura how slow Jane can be.

“No, I mean in a more long-term perspective,” Maura explains, a bit impatiently. Jane chooses to look away from her again. She shrugs, continuing to play with the toothbrush. Clank, clank, clank. Such a repetitive noise.

“I dunno.”

Maura narrows her eyes at the raven haired woman. “And this is exactly why you won’t be kissing me any time soon, Jane Rizzoli.” She’s not about to be strung around; she deserves better. Jane looks up at her again, confusion written all over her face as Maura continues, “Next time you feel like confusing me and messing with my feelings, at least have the decency to think everything through first.” Jane just stares at her like she can’t believe she just said that to her. “Now please get out of my bathroom, I’d like to take a bath.”

“Maura…”

“No, Jane. If you’d like to discuss this some more than we can do it after I’ve had my bath. Please leave.”

Maura knows she sounds ice cold and distant, but that’s what she needs to be. After the rejection she’s had to harden herself to the pain she knows Jane is capable of giving her. It seems like forever ago - their first kiss - and yet it’s so fresh in her mind at this moment as everything resurfaces.

Jane’s looking at her like she’s expecting her to take it back; to tell her that no, she can stay and talk while she takes her bath, but Maura doesn’t budge on the subject. Just because Jane has had some random epiphany or is going through some kind of experimental phase, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to last. They could very well have sex right here on this bathroom floor, maybe up against the wall, or one of them perched on the sink counter but either way, there’s no guarantee that tomorrow Jane won’t wake up and realize it was all one big mistake.

Maura doesn’t want to feel that kind of heartbreak again.

“Fine, Maura. Fine,” Jane says, shaking her head a little. She looks confused and a little more than disappointed and hurt, but Maura tries not to let it bother her. Jane grasps the door handle, but ends up standing there for a moment. The only sound that can be heard in the room is their breathing. “I’m sorry I even tried,” she mumbles.

“Don’t be like that,” Maura says firmly. She’s not about to get guilted into it; she was the one who had their heart broken. Not the other way around.

“Be like what?” Jane exclaims, turning to look at her after she opens the door. She doesn’t move to walk through it. “All I was trying to do was what you wanted me to do.”

“You did what you wanted to,” Maura corrects softly. “You didn’t even take a second to think about me.”

“I think about you all the time!” Jane bursts out, frustrated as she admits that. She runs her fingers through her hair and lets out an aggravated sigh before taking two steps out the door. But then she stops, whips around, and takes two steps back to inform her, “This isn’t easy for me, you know. I can’t just rationalize why it’s okay to feel this way. I’m not like you, Maura. I can’t look at this shit objectively.”

Maura can’t think of a single time she actually looked at this objectively either; she’s always run on emotions when it came to Jane. But that didn’t matter, it’s not important. It doesn’t matter how she looks at it because that’s not even close to the question that actually does matter.

“Why now, Jane?” Maura asks suddenly. That’s what she needs to know. “Why all of a sudden now?”

Jane looks at her for a moment and Maura stares back, wishing that for once she knew what was going on behind those big brown eyes. For someone who claims to like simple things, she was the farthest from simple that Maura has ever known. She’s so complex and confusing to try to understand. There’s moments when she feels like she does, or maybe even can one day, but she knows that she’s just fooling herself. Now is one of those times, and due to that she decides to speak without even thinking.

“Is it because you found out I’m dating Maggie?”

Jane’s looking at her in a way that implies she’d like to set something on fire and then dance on its grave. “What the hell does she have to do with anything? Do you think I’m jealous?”

“Yes.” The way Jane scoffed and refused to even look at her was proof of that. Hell, it would also explain why she randomly decided to try to claim her ‘territory’.

“I was the one who introduced you two in the first place! I’m not jealous.”

She’s jealous. Maura knows that look; she’s had that look every time Jane would take out another guy. Maura looks at her a bit sympathetically, tilting her head to the side a little. “You can’t keep me on the backburner forever, Jane. I need to live my life.”

“I’m not stopping you!” Jane exclaims. “But… you like me more, don’t you?” Suddenly she sounds not too sure about the matter. “I mean, if you had to only pick one of us; it’d be me, right?” Jane then noticeably cringes at how needy that came out.

Maura puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow. “You say you’re not jealous but listen to yourself.”

“I’m just trying to put things into perspective here!” Jane defends. “What do you want me to say? That I’m happy seeing the two of you together? Because I’m not. It’s kind of bullshit, to be honest. You were supposed to-“

“What? Wait for you?” Maura interrupts disbelievingly.

“No! Yes. I don’t know,” Jane replies, sounding more frustrated by the minute. “Look I don’t… want to be in a relationship with you. I meant what I said when I told you I’d fuck you up. I’d fuck it all up and I can’t risk that. Besides, I’m not even gay.” Maura just blinks at her outright denial. “But our friendship is almost completely nonexistent now and I just thought that maybe if we started having sex than it’d get better.”

Yeah, because having sex with a woman wouldn’t be gay at all. Maura can’t figure out for the life of her how Jane’s brain works sometimes.

“Right, because sex doesn’t complicate things in the least,” Maura replies sarcastically. Jane narrows her eyes.

“Okay so maybe it wasn’t the best plan but I don’t wanna go on like this anymore. We barely even talk.”

“It hurts when I talk to you, Jane,” Maura tells her quietly, honestly. Jane looks almost devastated to hear that, but covers it up quickly as she puts up her wall. “It hurts when I’m around you. I tried to ignore it but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“So what? Our friendship is just… over? It can’t just be over, Maura. That’s screwed up.”

“I’m not saying that,” Maura replies softly. She purses her lips and looks down, leaning against the wall. She takes a breath and then shrugs. “I’m just saying I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Then you don’t know having sex won’t fix it,” Jane points out, like she just discovered how to cure the common cold.

Maura rolls her eyes, she can’t help it. It’s so ridiculous. “Sometimes I wonder if you hear the words that come out of your mouth.”

She also wonders if Jane even realizes that she’s become one big walking contradiction. ‘I’m not gay, and I don’t want to get involved, but maybe we should have sex.’ In no universe does that make any kind of sense.

“Look, I was just trying to suggest something-” Jane tries.

“Oh yes, that’s really romantic, Jane. Suggesting we have sex. Would you like to suggest where we have it, or do you not have a preference?” Maura answers sardonically. “Would you like to suggest the position, or should I surprise you?”

“You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Maura!” Jane exclaims, offended by her cynical mocking. “Look, at least I’m trying! At least I’m trying to fix our friendship instead of sitting around feeling like a fuckin’ asshole over this whole thing. I’m finally trying to do something about it, so, y’know, I’d kinda appreciate a little bit of help from your end.” Jane sighs; loud, annoyed. She looks up at Maura, who wishes she could look back at Jane with anything other than sadness in her eyes.

“Maura…” Jane starts softly. But she pauses and Maura sees her noticeably swallow as she averts her eyes. Maura feels like she’s holding her breath; waiting for Jane to finish something that’s obviously important to her. Jane purses her lips, drumming her fingers on the threshold of the door for a moment while she works up her nerve. Finally she looks up and tells her without any more hesitation, “I… love you.”

Maura can’t breathe.

Jane shakes her head as she takes a couple steps closer to her as she jumps right into talking again, not wanting to wait for Maura’s response. “I love you, okay? You asked me how before, and I think you already knew how, but just because we love each other doesn’t mean this shit’s gonna work. We did fine as friends. We did more than fine; we did great. I just want that back. It was freakin’ perfect.”

Maura still can’t breathe. She knows she’s alive though by how hard her heart is beating, which is a start.

“Maura?” Jane asks, searching her eyes for some kind of response.

“I…” Maura starts, still trying to gather her thoughts. Out of the millions of ways she had imagined Jane confessing her love for her, that definitely wasn’t one of them. “You… you just told me you were in love with me in my bathroom.” It was more of a disbelieving statement to herself, but one that just happened to come out of her mouth. “After I shot you down for sex.” She’s more saying it to the wall than to Jane at this point.

Jane laughs, which makes Maura finally click into reality and look at her. Jane puts her hand over her mouth, “I’m sorry, just… your face was priceless.” Maura still doesn’t get why that’s hilarious and Jane tries to calm her laughing down. She puts her hands on Maura’s arms to get her attention as she tells her, “Hey, I’m sorry. That was probably a shit way to tell you.” She gives her a small smile though, trying to get Maura to at least the amusement in it. “I know you like all that romantic stuff. Probably shoulda at least bought you a rose or… something.”

“I don’t need a rose, Jane,” Maura tells her softly, finally finding her voice and clarity. She looks at Jane for a moment before she too starts cracking up. “Oh god, I’m sorry!” she exclaims. Jane chuckles with her. “It’s just… that’s so not what I had in mind and I guess it’s kind of…” her laughter dies down as she takes in the reality of the situation and ends with, “bittersweet.” Because that’s what it feels like.

‘I love you, but we can’t be together.’

It’s the happiest thing and the worst thing at the same time. Maura takes a breath before she slumps forward, into Jane’s arms. Jane wraps her arms around her and rests her head on top of hers. “I’m sorry, Maura,” Jane whispers into her hair.

“You’re logic is irrational,” Maura tells her, even though she knows it won’t make a difference. She buries her face in Jane’s shirt, just wanting to soak up her scent.

“Not to me,” Jane tells her quietly. She takes a breath, then kisses Maura on the top of her head. “So… where do we go from here?”

Maura has no idea.

A/N: This chapter's got a lot of drama, but I swear it pays off for more happy times in the very near future. Or, well, as happy as I can get. Haha.

CHAPTER EIGHT
First Break Down

The first time things fell completely apart was at the bar, when the Homicide Unit was celebrating the capture and confession of the serial child murderer.

Maura brought Maggie, which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best of ideas, but she needed to find a way out of this limbo with Jane. It seemed like the two of them could never move forward, so there was no point in Maura standing still alone.

Where would they go from here? Neither of them could answer that and so they once again found themselves in this awkward space that’s so close and yet so far away from where they needed to be. They were touching again though; that was a start. They could brush each other’s hands without jumping a mile. They could hug. They… could kiss. Jane demonstrated that one before she left that night; not allowing Maura a moment to protest. She swept her up in a kiss that left Maura breathless and her head spinning before Jane whispered that she loved her.

And then she left. Just like that; like she had no idea how much more confusing she just made things.

To be honest, Maura found the whole thing kind of infuriating.

It’s like Jane doesn’t understand the repercussions of her actions sometimes. In her line of work, sure, she’s amazing at that. But in her personal life? Well, this is probably a horrible thing to contemplate, but Maura’s pretty sure that’s why none of her relationships have ever been successful.

Not like Maura has much room to talk either though. She just brought the woman she’s dating to a bar to hang out with her coworkers and the woman she’s in love with.

“Damn!” Korsak exclaims as he watches Jane’s dart hits another bulls eye.”Rizzoli, you got to be cheating.”

“You can’t cheat at darts, Korsak,” Jane informs him with a grin. She’s clearly proud of herself.

“You could if you messed with the darts,” Maggie says, picking up her beer. She motions with it to the dartboard. “Or the board,” she finishes as an afterthought, right before she takes a sip.

Jane shoots her a dirty look as she goes to retrieve her darts. She yanks them out with brutal force and basically shoves them at Korsak. “We’re at a bar, Maggie. When the hell would I have the time to fuck with the dartboard? It ain’t mine.” The many beers she had consumed obviously didn’t leave any room for discretion when it came to how Jane was feeling. She was wearing her disdain with the situation on her sleeve and not even bothering to hide it.

It was a little embarrassing for Maura. But what is she supposed to do? Tell her to stop? Jane wouldn’t listen, especially not after all she’s drank tonight. All Maura can do is hope Jane’s little snide snipes are the worst part of the night.

Other than that though, this night has been really fun.

Maggie just shrugs, not at all fazed by Jane’s aggravation towards her. “I was just saying,” she responds, like it doesn’t even matter in the slightest. Maura makes an ‘uh oh’ face behind her glass of wine when she sees the look Jane gives her date; like she’d like to cut her up into tiny pieces and bury the remains on different ends of the earth.

“Rizzoli, move before I end up taking off your head,” Korsak tells Jane, who’s still standing in front of the dartboard. Thankfully that distracted Jane long enough so she didn’t end up saying exactly what was on her mind to Maggie, which Maura is sure wouldn’t be anything good.

Jane moves - though honestly it was more of a stomp than an actual step - back over to the table that Maura, Maggie, and Frost are sitting at. Frost keeps looking between Maura and Jane, then over to Maggie like he expects someone’s about to get their head torn from their body.

Maura’s beginning to think that bringing Maggie was a bad idea.

“So,” Maura starts, trying to ease the tension at the table. “How about them Dodgers?” She heard someone on TV use that line to ease the tension once.

Jane snorts into her beer. It gets everywhere. Everyone else is looking at Maura like she had just sprouted a third head.

“Do you even know anything about baseball, sweetie?” Maggie asks, chuckling. Jane shoots her a dirty look, coming to Maura’s defense over something she would normally make fun of her for.

“Hey, she knows plenty about baseball,” she nudges Maura’s leg under the table. “Tell her, Maura.”

Maura looks at Jane a little disbelievingly, not expecting her to stick up for her, before she smiles and turns to Maggie. “I know that the first baseball game which was recorded with codified rules was played on the 19th of June, 1846 in New Jersey,” Maura starts, happy that she gets to share her knowledge. “And did you know that before 1859 that the umpires used to sit in padded chairs behind the home plate?”

“Maura knows everything,” Jane says with a little smile at Maggie, which in no way looks friendly. Maura doesn’t notice though, she’s more focused on the fact that Jane just complimented her and now has her hand on her thigh under the table.

“No, I don’t,” Maura responds humbly. She knows her cheeks are a bit pink though and she explains, “But I do have a vast range of knowledge on many subjects.” She discreetly slides her hand over her leg, linking her pinky with Jane’s.

That’s probably a horrible thing to do when she’s out with her date, but she can’t help it. Her own alcohol induced haze is making her think with her heart instead of her head. When Jane touches her, she can’t help but want to touch her back.

Maggie’s looking at the two of them with her eyebrows raised. “I do know that she’s intelligent, Jane,” she tells her. “It’s one of the many qualities I like about her. In fact, I believe you were the one who told me you were sure I’d like her for that very reason.” It’s a polite tone, but far from nice. Maura’s beginning to worry that Maggie’s starting to understand what exactly is going on, even if Maura’s still fuzzy on the matter.

Once again it’s like Jane’s trying to claim her, yet didn’t she just tell her they couldn’t be together?

The alcohol Jane has consumed seems to be hitting her hard, because her reply to that was a blunt, “Yeah, but I didn’t mean you should sleep with her because of it.”

Maura chokes on her own breath.

“Alright, if you two are done having a pissing contest over Dr. Isles, Jane; it’s your shot,” Korsak interrupts, holding out the darts to Jane.

“Excuse me?” Jane asks, shooting a dirty look over at Korsak.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two had a thing in the past,” Maggie responds, spiteful now. “It seems awfully odd that you’d introduce her to me if you still had feelings for her.”

“Jane, I might be old, but I’m not stupid,” Korsak responds pointedly. Frost steps back away from the table, clearly not wanting to get involved.

“More beer?” he tries feebly. Everyone ignores him.

“Korsak, mind your own fucking business,” Jane snaps. “And you-” she starts pointing at Maggie.

“Jane, please don’t,” Maura pleads. This is absolutely mortifying. People are starting to stare.

Jane ignores her. “I don’t know what anyone’s told you, but I’m not gay.” Korsak snorts and she flips him off without even sparing him a glance. “Maura’s my best friend, that’s it. I couldn’t give a flying fuck that she’s dating you.”

“Really? Because you seem a little hostile,” Maggie shoots back.

Jane stands up, knocking the table and spilling some beer. Maura struggles to get out of her chair before beer spills on her lap. This is such a disaster. “You wanna see hostile?” Jane threatens. Maggie stands up too and gives her a challenging look. She’s not the type to back down either.

“Both of you, please stop!” Maura yells, holding her hands out to separate them, even though she knows that both of them could push past her with only a small amount of effort. “We’re supposed to be having a nice time, not starting bar fights like a couple of college frat boys. So will both of you just grow up and start acting like adults?!” she shrieks, trying to get her point across with volume rather than logic because two drunk, jealous women are probably not going to listen to logic.

Jane and Maggie look at each other for a long time, as if trying to dominate the other by thoughts alone. But it’s when Maura brushes her hand lightly over Jane’s arm, trying to calm her; that Jane whips around and grabs the darts from Korsak. “Fuck this,” she mumbles as she throws one angrily at the board. It misses it all together.

“Jane, you need to relax,” Korsak tries gently, knowing how his ex partner can get. Jane clenches her teeth and rolls her neck, cracking it.

“I am relaxed.”

“Jane,” Korsak tells her in a tone of voice that at least makes her spare him a glance. “I’m serious.”

“I’m fine, Korsak, okay? Let’s just play some damn darts.”

Maura’s looking at Maggie though; who’s now looking at her like somehow this is her fault. “I’ll get more beer,” she says shortly before grabbing her purse and storming off in the other direction without giving Maura a chance to say anything.

This is not going well at all.

“I’ll help,” Frost offers, quick to get away from all the drama.

Which would have worked, really it would have, if Jane didn’t choose the moment Maggie walked past the dartboard to throw her next shot. It barely misses her head and Maura gasps, putting her hands over her mouth. She already knows what’s going to happen before it even starts.

“What the fuck, Rizzoli?!” Maggie yells, whipping around and throwing her purse on the table beside her. There was no calming this down anymore; it was a full on train wreck. “You trying to take off my head? What the hell is your problem?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t walk that close to the fuckin’ dartboard!” Jane responds, holding out her hands in a ‘oh well’ position in probably the most sarcastic and hateful manner Maura’s ever seen Jane have.

Oh god, they’re going to fight. Like actually fight. This can’t be happening right now!

“You think I’m stupid? You did that on purpose!”

“My hand slipped,” Jane deadpans. Maggie’s eyes flash before she kicks off her heels.

“Jane, Maggie, DON’T!” Maura yells, trying to stop the forthcoming bloodbath as Jane laughs bitterly and holds out her arms in invitation for Maggie to try something.

“Jane!” Korsak yells, stepping in front of her and putting his hands on her shoulders, holding her back. “You need to go somewhere and chill out. Now.”

Jane’s not looking at Korsak though, even though she’s basically getting pushed backwards away from her. “Bitch,” she spits at her.

“Jane!” Maura exclaims, astonished to hear her talk that way to someone. She comes up behind Jane, putting her hands on her arms, trying to either calm her down or help Korsak hold her back; she’s not sure.

“Closet dyke,” Maggie shoots back. “Next time you masturbate thinking about Maura, try to remember that you’re not the one who gets to fuck her; I do.”

Whoa. That was so far past the line that the line was a dot.

“Maggie!” Maura exclaims. Oh god, this was getting from bad to worse. The maturity level was like a high school fight and not only was it embarrassing, it was borderline horrific. This is why people shouldn’t drink to excess. Maura’s seen fights like this happen at bars before, but never with people she knew. Never over her.

And Maura hasn’t had sex with Maggie yet, though obviously Jane doesn’t know that. They don’t talk about that. That’d be extremely inappropriate, given the circumstances.

“I think we all just need to relax,” Frost tries.

After Maggie’s last comment, Jane furiously tries to push past Korsak, but he’s too strong for her. “JANE!” he yells, getting her attention. “Step outside, now!” His tone of voice indicates this isn’t up for debate anymore.

Jane shoots one last furious look at Maggie before she pushes herself off of Korsak. “I’m cool,” she says, holding her hands up in surrender. She sounds nowhere near cool. “I’m cool, this doesn’t fuckin’ matter anyway,” she repeats as she steps away, storming off into the bathroom.

Maura just stands there for a moment, wide eyed. She can’t believe that really just happened. She looks over at Maggie, who gives her an angry look as she slides back on her heels and then storms off over towards the bar.

Maura knows she should probably go after her, but she’s more worried about Jane. She looks at Korsak helplessly and he nods over towards the bathroom, “Go,” he encourages. She swallows the lump in her throat, her heart pounding a million miles an hour, and nods before heading off into the bathroom.

When she opens the door, she almost jumps a mile when she hears Jane punch the bathroom stall. But she takes a breath and closes the door behind her while she timidly approaches her. “Jane?” she asks, cautiously. She can hear her breathing heavily and see her shoes under the stall door, but there’s no answer. “Jane?” she tries again.

“Just go away, Maura,” Jane mumbles, still sounding really frustrated. But Maura doesn’t listen. She stands outside the stall door and knocks. There’s a long silence until she finally hears the click of the door unlatching.

“Can you come out here?” Maura asks softly. “Please?”

She hears Jane sigh heavily, but the door squeaks as she opens it. Maura leans against the sink counter, looking at her, worried. “Are you okay?” she asks. Jane looked like she wanted to tear something apart and then cry.

“What the fuck do you see in that bitch?” Jane asks suddenly, though it sounds more like a demand. She steps out of the stall, pointing at the door. “That broad is a class A psychopath.”

Maura narrows her eyes at her. She’s worried about her, but she’s not going to let her talk trash about the woman she’s dating, either. Already what she did was completely unacceptable behavior. “As opposed to you; the woman who threw a dart at her head?”

“It was a fuckin’ accident!” Jane exclaims. “And it’s not my fault she’s thick enough to walk in front of a damn dartboard while people are playing!”

“Don’t give me that, Jane. You knew exactly what you were doing,” Maura tells her, angry. “And you’re drunk, what if you actually hit her? You could have seriously hurt her; did that even cross your mind?! If you were trying to impress me with your stupid macho act then I’m sorry, you failed miserably.”

“You thought I was trying to impress you?” Jane asks, laughing scornfully. “Not everything is about you, Maura!”

“Were you not there for that entire fight? You two were at each other’s throats over me! Do you really think I want that?!”

“Well I obviously know what you do want,” Jane shoots back, furious. She points to the door angrily. “I hope you two are real fucking happy together.” Maura’s about to retort, but Jane doesn’t let her. “I mean - how the fuck can you tell me you’re in love with me and then go off and date her?!”

“Because I’m not putting my life on hold just so you can figure out what you want!” Maura screams. “It’s not fair to me, Jane!”

“You want to know what I want?!” Jane screams, getting in her face. Maura doesn’t back down though; she’s not scared of her. She knows even with all the aggravation Jane has inside of her that she’d never hurt her.

“YES!” Maura yells. The air around them seems to be crackling with tension and Maura can feel the prickles crawl up her spine and give her goose bumps. Her breathing becomes a bit shallow from the look in Jane’s eyes; almost like she wants to devour her, but she manages to exclaim, “For once, Jane, just tell me what it is you want from me!”

It’s so close to begging, but she’s far past frustrated. She’s already drunk, she just had to deal with the woman she loves and the woman she’s dating try to rip each other apart, and she’s so sick of Jane’s back and forth bullshit. This woman is going to drive her halfway to insanity if she doesn’t just make up her mind!

“Fine!” Jane yells. But instead of telling her what she wants, suddenly Maura finds herself pushed up against the counter as Jane’s lips forcefully crash into hers; apparently figuring that showing her would be much more effective in this situation. Maura gasps into her mouth, feeling the domination behind the bruising force of the brunette’s lips. She tries to protest - really, she does - at least until Jane’s tongue forces its way inside of her mouth, claiming in no time at all what Jane already knows is hers. It’s so messed up; it’s angry and it’s desperate and Maura knows she shouldn’t be doing this, but it was also the sexiest thing anyone has ever done, in a way. Maura can’t help but moan.

“You wanna know what I want, Maura?” Jane growls before she picks her up, placing her on the sink counter before roughly pushing her legs apart, settling between them. Maura’s skirt rides up and she grasps at Jane as the detective starts brutally sucking on her neck, leaving marks as she claims ownership. Maura gasps and digs her nails into Jane’s arm at the pain, but it feels so good that she’s not about to protest. She closes her eyes as Jane trails her tongue up her neck before she whispers in her ear, “I want to fuck you so hard that the only name you can remember is mine.”

Maura groans, feeling a flood of wetness soak her panties. “Jane,” she whimpers. It was a sound of defeat, a sound of compliance; submission. She was going to let Jane do what she wanted to her without a second thought. Nothing else mattered in this moment besides them, but then again, did it ever? It seemed everything that ever mattered to Maura always came back to Jane; back to this. Back to wanting this, needing this.

Jane’s hand slides up her bare thigh, hiking her skirt up further as she continues her assault on Maura’s neck. Maura spreads her legs willingly; invitingly as she begs breathlessly, “Jane, please…”

Jane’s lips crash back into hers, succumbing Maura to a mess of pathetic whimpers in mere seconds. Maura grasps at Jane’s clothing, trying desperately to just tear it off of her, but Jane won’t let her. She forces Maura’s hands away from her, groaning into her mouth as her own hands find Maura’s breasts. But they don’t stay there; this whole encounter is rushed and needy and neither of them could take it slow even if they wanted to. It was like years of pent up sexual tension just exploded and made a mess all over this seedy little bar bathroom.

It doesn’t take long before Jane picks up one of Maura’s legs and throws it over her shoulder before roughly pushing past the confines of Maura’s flimsy underwear. Maura’s pretty sure Jane ripped them, but it didn’t matter the second she felt Jane’s fingers slide inside of her. “Oh, God!” Maura cries out, squeezing her eyes shut tight as she slams her head back against the mirror. If she could feel anything else besides Jane, she’s sure that would have hurt. But all she can focus on is Jane’s groans against her neck between wet, sloppy kisses as she starts to push into her.

This is the farthest thing that Maura would have pictured for their first time; fucking on the counter of a bar bathroom with Jane fully clothed and Maura barely able to touch her, but it didn’t matter. While Maura was big on romance, nothing could take away from the amazing feeling of Jane finally being inside of her. She filled her completely, more than any man ever could. It’s like every inch of her body is alive as fire races under her skin and clouds her mind with nothing else besides the feel of Jane’s skin, her lips, her fingers. Then again, that may just be the alcohol, but it felt too good for her to care either way.

Maura moves her hips frantically against Jane’s hand, gasping as she struggles to hold onto any part of her lover that she can reach. She keeps repeating, “Jane, Jane,” like a plea, a promise, a need. Her shoe is dangling off her foot and with one more hard push from Jane; it clatters to the ground, forgotten, as Maura cries out her name again and struggles to intake enough air between moans to keep her conscious.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jane whispers in her ear between moans of her own; her deep, raspy voice sending a chill of desire down Maura’s spine. Jane’s fingers curl inside of her and Maura moans loudly, slamming one hand against the wall as she arches her back. She’s so close, God she’s so close that she feels like she’s flying. She whimpers and digs her nails into Jane’s arm as her inner walls clench around the brunette’s fingers, needing release more than she needed oxygen at this point.

And then the bathroom door slams open.

Jane’s off of her and out of her so quickly it makes Maura gasp in shock and confusion before she realizes what it was she just heard and whips her head around to face the bathroom door. It was like being ripped away from the perfect dream before crashing head first into reality. And God did it hurt, not just emotionally, but physically. She was this close to getting off before she got hit in the face with a metaphorical bag of bricks.

No. This can’t be happening right now.

Maura can’t even move. It’s like she’s frozen in place. The only thing that can be heard is the sound of Jane and Maura’s erratic breathing as they both stare at Maggie who’s looking at them like she isn’t in the least bit surprised. She does let out a short, scornful laugh though before her face hardens and she takes a shot at Jane. She hits her clear across the jaw, splitting Jane’s lip with her ring.

And then Maggie just leaves without another word or even a look at either of them. It’s like it didn’t even matter enough to fight about more than that. She knew what was between her and Maura was over; that much was perfectly clear.

Jane doesn’t go after her; she probably knows she at least deserved that from Maggie. She swears, “fuck,” as she holds her hand up to her bloody lip. She pulls her hand away, looking at the crimson liquid on her fingers before she looks at Maura. They lock eyes, but neither say anything. Maura realizes that was the hand Jane was using to fuck her; she must have just tasted her on her fingers when she put them up to her lips.

The look on Jane’s face is unreadable and it scares Maura half to death. She wishes she could say something, but her throat feels dry. What may have been only a few seconds pass, but it feels like a lifetime. Finally Jane’s eyes search the bathroom; the scene in front of her. Maura feels her stomach sink. “Fuck,” Jane repeats, this time louder as she looks at Maura.

She practically runs out of the bathroom.

“Jane!” Maura calls, sliding off the counter and almost falling from the strength her legs don’t seem to have. “Damnit,” she swears, kicking off the remains of her tattered underwear and kicking them across the bathroom. They didn’t matter. She fixes her skirt and slips back on her heels though before she runs out of the bathroom just in time to see Jane run out of the front door.

“Dr. Isles!” Frost calls, no doubt confused as to why both of them are running out of the bar, but she doesn’t reply. She has to find Jane.

When she exits the bar she looks erratically both left and right, expecting to see Jane retreating down the street. What she didn’t expect was to see Jane practically in front of her, slumped against the driver’s side door of her car, one arm over the hood and her head resting on top of it. Maura would have mistaken her for as a statue with how still she is, except she can see her chest rise and fall with each intake of breath.

“Jane?” Maura asks softly.

It takes a moment, but Jane finally looks up at her. Her expression is unreadable, however, and Maura feels herself holding her breath. They look at each other for awhile until Jane steps back, opens her car door and sits in the driver’s seat. Maura’s waiting for her to slam it and drive off, but she doesn’t. She just sits there silently. Maura takes that as her cue to get in the car too.

She slides in the passenger side and Jane finally closes her door after Maura. Silence.

Maura watches Jane, who seems to be staring out the windshield at nothing; lost in her own thoughts. Her lip is still bleeding and Maura bites her bottom lip, knowing that’s going to get infected if they don’t do something about it. God, Jane looks a wreck.

Maura grabs the water bottle in the cup holder and opens the glove compartment to find some McDonalds napkins. She grabs a couple and splashes some water on them before she turns to Jane, who still isn’t looking at her. “Jane?” she tries. “Come here; let me take care of your lip.”

Jane swallows and finally turns to her. Her eyes are so vacant; emotionless. It scares Maura a little. But she allows the ME to cup her cheek gently with one hand while the other dabs at the wound on her bottom lip. Jane flinches when Maura presses too hard and she apologizes in a whisper, “Sorry,” as she tries to be more careful.

Jane’s still eerily silent and Maura listens to her own voice break a little as she pleads, “Jane, please say something. You’re scaring me.”

“This is fucked,” is all Jane has to offer, finally. Maura knits her eyebrows together in confusion, not exactly knowing which part of the night she’s talking about (maybe all of it), but she doesn’t get to ask because Jane lets out a short laugh, like she’s actually amused by how not funny this entire situation is. “God, this is going to be worse than the tampon thing.”

“What?” Maura asks, finishing up on Jane’s lip. She pulls her hand away from her and looks her in the eyes.

“That fuckin’ tampon in the water bottle thing,” Jane explains in a voice that sounds far too detached. Then Maura remembers; when Jane joined the force, she got picked on by all the guys just for being a girl. One of the lower pranks was a tampon being shoved inside her water bottle. But that was years ago.

Maura blinks. She can’t seriously be comparing this to that, right? Jane’s like part of their family now. Korsak and Frost would never be horrible to her; they watch out for her. And besides, it’s not like this seemed like much of a surprise to either of them. But then again, Maura thinks Jane chose to believe everyone was oblivious. Now there’s no denying it though; not after the drunk scene Jane made in there. “Jane… you really can’t think that they-” Maura starts, but is cut off. Apparently this is not up for discussion; Jane just needs to get things out.

“My Ma’s gonna kill me,” she says, voice still sounding a bit hollow as she stares out the window. A few drops of rain splash on the windshield. It seemed oddly appropriate that it would start raining at a time like this. Jane’s voice noticeably cracks as she goes on, “You know, she’s always on about the grandkids; she wants me and Frankie to give her grandkids. For me to find a nice man and get married so Dad can walk me down the aisle. For me to live a life like she has. Happy and shit; normal.”

Maura just watches Jane in sadness. She never really thought about how hard it would be for Jane to come out. She never realized that that was the reason Jane was really scared. For Maura, it never mattered. Sexuality was all relative and she didn’t much care what her parents thought of it. She was going to live her life the way she wanted to live it, no matter what. But for Jane… it was so much harder.

The rain starts pounding down on the car heavier now and Maura reaches over and puts her hand on top of Jane’s; comforting. She can feel her shaking underneath her. “My dad’s probably gonna fuckin’ disown me.” Her voice hitches more and its obvious Jane is struggling not to cry. She locks her jaw and stares out at the rain; never one to willingly give into that weakness. Because to her, it was. Maura holds on to her hand tighter. She knows not to say anything; Jane needed to get things out.

“And Frankie… he jokes about it, but I doubt he’d really fuckin’ understand if his sister turned out to be a dyke,” Jane goes on. Maura can hear the lump in her throat as she struggles to say the words without breaking down.

“Jane, don’t call yourself that,” Maura says softly.

“Why?” Jane exclaims, looking at her. “I am, aren’t I? It’s just like everyone’s always fuckin’ said: I screw around with guys just to create the illusion that I’m straight. To fit in, whatever. Fuck, Maura, you don’t get it, do you? All of them; they were right. And I hate them for it!” Her bottom lip trembles so she hardens her face and turns away from Maura before untangling her hand from hers and using it to punch the steering wheel. Maura jumps as it honks.

“Jane… Jane,” Maura hushes, attempting to calm her. “They weren’t right. They were horrible to you about it; that isn’t right,” she tries to tell her, staying calm in hopes that Jane will. “You can’t help how you feel. None of us can.”

“Yeah? Well I should have been able to help not turning into a complete psychopath over you!” Jane exclaims, angry. “What the fuck have you done to me, Maura? I’ve never gotten into a bar fight in my life. I’ve never…” her voice breaks again, “I’ve never tried so hard in my life to prove that someone is mine. That’s not me. This is bullshit.”

“You’re drunk, Jane. We all do things-” Maura tries, but is cut off.

One, singular tear finally slips down Jane’s cheek and she looks at Maura. She looks so broken. “This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen, Maura!” she screams just before a loud sob escapes her lips. She’s shaking so much now that the sobs are racking through her entire body. “It’s like life just fucked me sideways and is laughing in my face!”

“Oh, Jane…” Maura says sympathetically as she quickly wraps Jane up in a tight embrace, cradling her; trying to protect her. Jane tries to get out of it, not wanting to be coddled as she’s already crying and feeling the weakest she’s ever felt in her life. But Maura holds onto her tightly, trying to calm her. “It’s okay Jane, it’ll be okay.”

“No it fucking won’t,” Jane sobs into her shoulder, giving up on fighting Maura for space. She wraps her arms around her and grasps her shirt as she shakes and cries. “My family’s gonna disown me,” she mumbles against her neck, so much fear showing through her voice that it breaks Maura’s heart.

“Jane, I love you, okay?” Maura tries, her own voice hitching from emotion. But she’s strong; determined. “And no matter what happens I’ll always stand by you. I know… I know it’s not the same, I know it’s not much, but no matter what happens you will always have me,” she tells her, trying not to cry herself. She bites her lower lip and pushes Jane away from her only slightly, so she can look her at her. She cups her face with both of her hands, looking her in the eyes as her thumbs wipe away the brunette’s tears. “I love you, Jane,” she tells her, voice breaking as she leans in and kisses her before wrapping her up in another protective embrace. “More than anything else on this earth.”

Jane mumbles something through her crying that sounds like ‘I love you too’. It tears Maura apart to see Jane this way, but she meant what she said: she will always stand by her.

Because that’s what you do for someone you love. No matter what.

GO TO PART FIVE