Fanfiction || The Adventures of Eliot and the Tiny Thing of Evil || OT3
Title: The Adventures of Eliot and the Tiny Thing of Evil
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta: supershineygirl
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: PG-13 (maybe light R... there's lots of swearin' & some mentions of sexin')
Pairing: Hardison/Parker/Eliot
Completed Length: 5,167 words
Summery: OT3 AU domestic crack!fic... with a dog.
A/N: This is for elena_hepburn who won the bidding on a fic over at help_haiti. Little late, but it's here now! She asked for Hardison/Parker/Eliot and to include a dog (and to keep it PG-13... oh, it was a challenge for me lol). So. Haha. Let the crack!fic commence...
There’re a few things Eliot Spencer doesn’t like.
Guns are one of them; they’re a pussy’s way out of a man’s problem. Another would be alcohol abuse; it’s all fun and dandy until someone sticks a knife in your back cause you were too piss drunk to notice them come at you. Eliot is sure to be at Nate’s side saying “I told you so” when that shit goes down… and then he’ll be kickin’ the crap out of the bastard that dared to fuck with his team. He’s about to kick the crap out of Hardison actually, but not for that. The lazy idiot keeps leaving dirty, wet towels thrown around their bathroom floor and expects Eliot to pick them up.
Does he look like a fuckin’ maid?
But that’s not the highest on his list of things he can’t stand right now. No, what tops that list like the shiny pieces of shit that they are, are surprises. Especially surprises when they involve Parker and her spontaneity and lack of listening skills.
He’s seriously about to make a damn list on the fridge about the things that are and aren’t allowed in this house (and maybe the rules of cleaning up for Hardison) and make Parker memorize them every morning before she goes out and does something like this.
“What the fuck did you just bring into my house?” Eliot asks as he stares at Parker with wide eyed anger.
Parker smiles, not at all phased by his fury; “His name is Shit-zu,” she says proudly, looking down at the monstrosity she’s cradled in her arms with all the love and affection that only some kind of crazy bitch could have for such a thing of evil.
“That’s not even a fuckin’ Shih Tzu, Parker,” Eliot says flatly, looking at the puppy she has in her arms that was very much in the makings of being one large ass Great Dane. Mother fucker.
“Not Shih Tzu, Shit-zu,” Parker coos, like it’s fuckin’ adorable. “He poops everywhere.”
Oh hell no.
“HARDISON!” Eliot screams, his eyes never leaving the sight of disaster in front of him. “Get your ass in here!”
“Man, can’t you just gimme five minutes? I’m in the middle of-” comes Hardison’s call from in the bedroom that’s immediately cut off with a growl from Eliot.
“Get in here now or you’re gonna be picking up pieces of your girlfriend all over the living room!”
Parker glares at him and then shields the puppy’s ears like the damn thing is going to be tainted by Eliot’s anger. “You need medication,” she tells him flatly.
“No, you need medication if you think for one second I’m gonna let you-”
But he’s cut off by Hardison’s angry rambling to himself as he makes his way into the living room. “Now, Hardison,” he mocks. “Your girlfriend, he says. She’s always my girlfriend when she does something-” he stops short of his ramblings as he enters the living room and see’s Parker in all her puppy holding glory.
“Aww,” he says, his face softening a little, but then it clicks in his head what’s wrong and he finishes, “Oh. Uh oh.”
“Uh oh is right, make her get that thing outta here before I have to burn every single piece of furniture that I own!” Eliot yells. Parker shields the puppy again and starts talking to it in a low voice about how Daddy’s always just one big pair of grumpy-pants.
“That we own,” Hardison points out, but it only earns him a furious glare from Eliot and he decides now is not the time to decide who actually owns the furniture.
“Uh, Parker? Baby?” Hardison tries, one eye on Eliot as he inches closer to Parker. “That’s an adorable puppy, really it can win all kinds of awards for its cuteness, but… Eliot is allergic to dogs.”
“I know,” she says with a little smile, still not taking her eyes off the puppy as she bounces it up and down like a little ugly baby and then kisses its nose. “He can get medicine for that.”
She says it like that fixes everything. But if she thinks for one fuckin’ second that Eliot is gonna put up with-
“Eliot doesn’t like dogs, sweetie.”
“Eliot can piss off,” she says simply, that smile still not leaving her face as she coos at it. The dog yips and Eliot swears his head just fuckin’ exploded.
“Don’t tell me to piss off! This is my fuckin’ house too and I don’t want the damn thing in here! It can go to hell for all I give a shit, it just ain’t being here!” Eliot starts advancing on Parker, but Hardison turns and puts a hand on his chest to stop him.
“All dogs go to heaven, Eliot,” Parker says, like he’s being stupid.
Hardison tries to run interference before Eliot explodes again. “Okay, number one: breathe. Remember that yoga technique? It helps when you’re all-”
“Fuck yoga, Hardison!”
Hardison just cocks an eyebrow at him, not backing down from Eliot’s anger either. “Okay, well number two: you’re giving me a damn headache. Be quiet,” Hardison tells him before leaning in and kissing him hard enough to make Eliot lose his train of thought for a second. “There, better. Now sit down, I’ll deal with this.” He says, pushing him back with one hand towards the couch. Eliot just scowls, but reluctantly sits. He knows he ain’t good at this; this is why Hardison’s always the mediator.
If it wasn’t for all the mind-blowing sex the three of them had and all the times they had when Parker and Eliot didn’t want to rip each other apart, Eliot would have packed his bags a long time ago.
“I’m not giving up Shit-zu,” Parker says firmly, pulling the dog in closer to her chest and looking at Hardison like he’s the enemy too.
Hardison blinks, “Parker, that’s a Great Dane.”
“His name is Shit-zu,” Parker says, annoyed with how no one seems to get the absurdity of that. “And he’s mine. Ours. But not so much Eliot’s cause he’s being a douche.”
“Parker, I will so pick up that puppy and throw it right out the damn-”
“Eliot, shut up,” Hardison snaps at him. Then he turns to Parker, “And don’t call Eliot a douche.”
“He’s being one,” she defends. “Shit-zu was all happy to meet his two Daddies and Eliot is being grumpy again. Go have sex with him so he can stop and we can all be happy.” She points at the bedroom like she’s ordering now.
The world was so simple according to Parker.
“Yeah, Hardison. Let’s go fuck and then I can break out in hives,” Eliot says sarcastically.
“Man, you don’t listen. Do you see me?” Hardison says, pointing erratically at himself. “This is me handling it. Go into the other room and wait till I’m done.”
“You can’t just order me around like I’m you’re bitch.”
Hardison cocks an eyebrow and without his gaze leaving Eliot’s he says, “Okay Parker, you can keep the dog.”
Parker squeals excitedly, jumping up and down with the puppy bouncing around in her arms. Good thing it ain’t a baby or the poor kid would have brain damage in no time. Okay and now the thought of Parker as a mother is kind of frightening. Time to go.
Eliot scowls and gets up off the couch, pointing menacingly. “You have thirty minutes to get that thing out of my house,” he demands as he stomps into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
God damnit.
* * *
“We’re keeping the dog.”
“What?! Have you lost your fucking-” Eliot’s pissed off rant is silenced by another searing kiss that leaves his brain useless to all thoughts besides the one he’s having about how they’re on a bed and the many ways that could be useful.
Damn this boy.
When Hardison pulls back he covers Eliot’s mouth with his hand before another string of obscenities is thrown at him. “I’m sorry, but Parker’s right; you can get medication. Besides, have you seen her with that thing? She already loves it more than us.”
“Just another reason to drown it,” Eliot grumbles.
“Okay Cruella de Vil, you can do that and I’ll sit back while Parker murders you in inventive and possibly highly disturbing and painful ways.”
“Whatever. Fuck this, Hardison! Medication ain’t the fuckin’ point. The point is I don’t want that little shit tearing up my furniture, barking when I’m trying to sleep, pissin’ all over the carpet, shedding all-”
“Eliot,” Hardison says flatly. “You remember when Parker wanted to be the one that cooked for us all? You remember what we decided right then?” Eliot doesn’t answer him, but not because he doesn’t know the answer. Hardison goes on, “We live in a democracy; majority rules. Sorry baby, but you were overruled.”
“Fuck off.”
He hates that stupid rule now. It was better when he got his way.
“Come on man, it’s adorable, you gotta give it that,” Hardison presses. Eliot just scowls. “And we can work on the name, okay? Majority will rule on that too.”
“I’m calling it ‘Fucker.’”
“Pretty sure you’ll be overruled on that too. I’m gonna call it Shit-zu before I start yelling ‘Here Fucker!’ all over the damn city,” Hardison tells him.
Eliot smirks.
“Come on…” Hardison says, using his voice of reason and comfort that always gets under Eliot’s skin no matter how much he tries to ignore it. He runs his hand up Eliot’s muscled arm. “You’ve seen the way Parker looks at it; how can you deny her the happiness?”
Eliot rolls his eyes. Fuck her happiness. What about his happiness? His happiness doesn’t include some little shit running amok and driving him up the wall.
“Fuck her happiness,” he says finally. Might as well go with what he was thinking.
“You know, I might have believed that if you didn’t let her keep her ant farm just to make her happy,” Hardison says with a smirk.
Eliot glowers. “It was her birthday.”
“No it wasn’t.”
“For the sake of this fuckin’ conversation, we’re gonna say it was.”
Hardison’s smirk widens. “You liiiike her,” he taunts.
“I hate her.”
“You luurrvv her.”
“Dude, I’m so about to break your face.”
Hardison laughs, pushing Eliot down on his back and straddling the older man. “Maybe after we break the bed.”
Eliot cocks an eyebrow, but isn’t saying no to the situation. “Where’s Parker?”
“Out getting meds for you. She told me to fuck you until you succumbed to our evil plan.” Hardison’s lips find his neck then, making Eliot growl low in his throat and his hands grab onto the hacker’s back, pulling him closer.
“Fuckin’ evil,” he agrees gruffly as he presses his lower body into his.
Hardison smirks against his skin, “But you’re succumbing.” His lips blaze a hot trail over his throat and then back up to his ear.
“I hate you.” It doesn’t sound like he hates him all that much though.
Hardison chuckles, the low rumble going straight through Eliot’s body and speed lining to his groin. “Tell me that once I got your dick in my mouth.”
Eliot’s pretty damn sure he’s not gonna be able to do that.
* * *
“His name is Shit-zu!” Parker yells, not backing down on this front.
After about an hour of Hardison showing Eliot all the ways he could ‘hate’ him, Parker had come back with medicine that Eliot took begrudgingly. Now they all sat around in the living room, the dog running rampant around the house in a way that make Eliot want to use it for target practice, while they all argued over a name for it.
“Parker, just… a ‘by the way’ thing here but... ‘he’ is actually a ‘she’,” Hardison points out.
“His name is Shit-zu,” Parker says firmly, apparently not giving up on the dogs gender either, even though it clearly had no balls.
“His name is Fucker,” Eliot says with a smirk, just to be aggravating. With an annoyed look shot at him he revised. “Sorry, her name is Fucker.” Hardison sighs.
“Can we not name the dog after a swear word, please?”
“Shit-zu.”
“Fucker.”
“Oh my god, are you guys twelve?” Hardison says, frustrated. He puts his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. “How about regular name like Fido?” Parker and Eliot shoot him equal looks of disbelief. “Hey, you know what? I’m just trying to compromise. If I had it my way she would be named Éowyn.”
“That’s a stupid name,” Parker says flatly.
“Let me guess, another geek pride thing?” Eliot asks with a scoff. “We’re not naming the dog after someone who’s in Harry Potter or something.”
“Okay, you did not just compare Lord of The Rings to Harry Potter. We’re so about to throw down.”
“Shit-zu,” Parker says again.
“Fucker.”
“Éowyn!”
This is clearly getting nowhere.
The argument goes on for about an hour. After awhile Eliot suggests ‘Killer’ but Parker made a big fuss about how her precious baby isn’t a killer, and instead went a different route and started calling it ‘Dandelion’ for some God awful unknown reason. Hardison was still pissed about the Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Ring thing and made a big speech about how if he was going to name the dog anything from Harry Potter it would be Narcissa because she was cool for this that and another reason no one was listening to, which made Eliot made a crack about he’s narcissistic, which in turn led Parker to point out that if anyone’s narcissistic it’s because of him and his ‘stupid hair’.
The argument over Eliot’s hair lasted another hour.
At some point their argument turned into a shoving match, which Eliot is pretty sure Hardison started once Parker suggested that his vote for a name doesn’t count because she didn’t want to name her puppy after video games, movies, or comic book men with tight clothes and no package. The shoving match somehow turned into Parker landing on Eliot, her hand all over something that got his attention straight away. Clothes were shed, angry sex was had by all, and when it was all said and done they were all laid together on the carpet, out of breath when Parker said:
“Bill.”
“It’s a girl,” Hardison reminds her, about to get up to look for his clothes but apparently that decision was vetoed in all of about five seconds after he lays his head back down on Parker’s stomach.
“Money: Dollar: Bill,” Parker explains breathlessly, playing with Eliot’s hair between her fingers.
Money was something they all agreed on, so both Hardison and Eliot look at each other before unanimously deciding:
“Bill.”
* * *
“What the hell is that?” Nate exclaims as the trio walk into his apartment with Bill practically dragging Parker inside.
“Bill,” Hardison says as he watches Parker get dragged around, giggling as she goes.
“Bill?” Nate asks like he doesn’t know what to make of the thing that’s freaking out about being able to explore new territory.
“Aww, a puppy!” Sophie says, coming out of the kitchen with a big smile that should only be reserved for things that deserve it. Eliot’s still bitter about losing the dog war. She comes over to Parker who has finally collapsed on the couch; Bill running all over her and licking at her face as she squeals like a five year old. “What’s its name?”
“His name is Bill!” Parker says excitedly.
“Her name is Bill,” Hardison corrects.
“Why did you name a female Bill?” Sophie asks, confused.
“Why is Bill in my house?” Nate asks, annoyed. One of his eyes is twitching from seeing the thing jump all over his furniture.
Yeah, that’s how Eliot feels.
Nate looks at Eliot like he should be the one to explain. Eliot holds up his hands. “Hey man, I didn’t want the thing. Blame them.” He points at Parker and Hardison, who has now come over to coo at the puppy just like the two women.
“Aw, you know what you should get? Some of those little funny costumes that you American’s like to get; dress her all up,” Sophie suggests as she looks at the dog like it’s her new freaking doll.
Parker puts a stop to that quickly. “Sophie, he’s a dog, not a clown. He didn’t come out of one of those funny cars.”
“She,” Hardison corrects for the millionth time.
“Where did you find him?” Sophie asks, ignoring Parker’s request at not dressing up the dog as she seems to be sizing it up for what size tutu the thing is gonna wear.
Eliot is so drawing the line ay the dog in a tutu.
“In an alley. In a box. He was cold,” Parker says with a pout as she picks Bill up and snuggles her. Hardison doesn’t bother correcting the gender issue again.
“Parker, can you get the dog off of my couch before she-” Nate tries, but it’s too late. Bill has jumped off of Parker’s lap and piddled on the couch before he even finished his sentence.
Nate practically blew a vein.
* * *
“Outside.”
“No! Eliot, he doesn’t like it out there!” Parker protests as she picks up the dog who just shit on his fuckin’ carpet.
“Put her outside before I throw her outside.”
“Why are you always so mean?!” Parker yells. “He can’t help it that he has to go to the bathroom! Do I tell you to go outside when you need to go?!”
“I use the fuckin’ toilet. So unless you can train Bill to use the toilet, the damn thing goes outside!”
“But-!”
“Parker, honey, bring Bill outside for a little while,” Hardison says calmly, putting his hands on her shoulders to calm her. Parker shoots daggers in Eliot’s direction but stomps off, mumbling under her breath about how she’s gonna lock all the bathrooms and make Eliot do his business outside from now on.
“I’m going fuckin’ crazy, Hardison,” Eliot says.
Hardison sighs and grabs some paper towels before picking up the feces with it, “It’s a puppy, Eliot. You gotta give it time. Parker needs to train her.”
“She doesn’t do shit but snuggle the damn thing.”
“Well then you train her,” Hardison says as he brings the spoiled paper towel to the door and throws it outside. He closes the door.
“I’m not doing nothin’ with that damn animal.”
“Fine, I’ll train her. Just chill out, seriously. You’re upsetting Parker all the time.”
“Does no one give half a fuck that she’s upsetting me?!”
“Of course I give half a fuck,” Hardison tells him, giving him a look like he should’ve known better than to even ask that. “I give a whole lotta fuck, actually. But she’s more sensitive than you are.”
“Oh, What-the-fuck-ever.”
“You know she cried yesterday because she thinks you hate her baby?”
Eliot tries to pretend that that one sentence doesn’t make him feel guilty as hell. “I do hate her baby,” he says flatly.
Hardison cocks an eyebrow at him.
“I do hate the damn thing, Hardison! But fuck, fine, I’ll go… whatever. Kiss her and make it better or something.”
“Bring money. She cried a lot.”
Eliot rolls his eyes but grabs his wallet, counting what he had in it. Two hundred bucks. He looks up at Hardison. “Spot me a bill?”
“I’ll spot you three. But you’re paying me back later,” Hardison says, digging in his pocket before throwing three hundred at Eliot. Eliot gives him a small smile before leaning in to kiss him.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, yeah. Best boyfriend ever,” Hardison says with an eye roll.
Eliot makes his way outside and spots Parker pouting near the fence as Bill lays her head in the thief’s lap and yawns nice and big before closing her eyes. Parker sighs and starts petting her softly.
“Hey,” Eliot says softly, coming up to her. She glares at him.
“What do you want?”
Eliot sits on the ground next to her, hating when he has to apologize. But he says, “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”
“You’re always an asshole.”
“No, Parker. See, this is where you say ‘I’m sorry I let my dog shit in the house.’”
“You’re an asshole,” she says flatly.
Eliot sighs, holding out the five hundred dollars for her. Parker’s eyes light up and she grabs it, petting it a little with a smile before she tells him, “You’re still an asshole, but thank you.”
“Fuck, Parker,” Eliot exclaims, exasperated. “What do you want me to do to not be an asshole then? You need more fuckin’ money? We can make a trip to the bank.”
“You’re stupid,” she tells him, like it’s so simple. She takes a breath and faces him. “Kiss me.”
Okay, he can do that.
He leans in, pressing his lips softly against hers. She closes her eyes and tangles her fingers in his hair as she opens her mouth, inviting his tongue inside for a taste. It’s over too quick though and she pulls back.
“Now kiss him,” she says, pointing to the dog.
“Parker, I’m not making out with the fuckin’ dog!”
“Eww! No, kiss him on the head,” Parker revises, her face still masked in horror at the thought of Eliot violating her puppy. Eliot’s pretty sure his brain is scarred for life by the mental image too. He looks down at the dog though, a look of distaste clear on his face.
“He’s gonna make me sneeze.”
“No he’s not, you’re on meds. Kiss him.”
Eliot rolls his eyes, holds his breath, and leans down and kisses the dog on the forehead. The thing whimpers and looks up at him all cute… in that evil kind of way.
“Now call him our dog.”
“Parker…”
“Say it or I’ll hate you forever,” Parker tells him, her eyes meaning business. He sighs.
“Bill is our dog. Happy?”
Clearly she is because she jumped on him and they made out in the grass for a good half an hour. Eliot decides that maybe he can be a bit nicer to the thing if he makes Parker jump him like this. That might be one sacrifice that could be worth it.
* * *
“Stop starin’ at me.”
Bill just keeps staring up at Eliot, unblinking. It was kind of creepy.
Eliot waves his hands at it. “Go! Shoo! Go bother Parker!”
The dog doesn’t move. It yawns though, and then continues staring.
Fucking Christ. “Hardison?” Eliot calls out. No answer. “Hardison, the dog’s freakin’ me out.” Still no answer. “Parker?” he tries. Nothing. Fucking shit.
Bill just stares at him. She blinks once and cocks her head.
“I’m gonna skin your ass and wear your fur as a hat,” Eliot tries threatening it, but Bill doesn’t seem bothered. She sticks her tongue out at him and pants a little. Eliot’s lip curls up in distaste.
“Go away,” Eliot says, trying to nudge her with his foot but all it does is make Bill yip before pouncing up on his lap and licking his face. “Oh, fuckin’ sick! HARDISON!” he yells, trying to get the dog off of him. No answer still.
He gets Bill on the ground but the second he lets go she jumps up in his lap again. “PARKER!” he yells. Still no answer. “Fucking god damnit what the hell!” He pushes the dog off. She jumps back on. Off. On. Off. On.
It goes on like that for about twenty minutes before Eliot sighs in frustration and lies face down on the bed, pulling a pillow over his head in defeat. The dog does a victory dance on his back and all he can think about is how badly he’s gonna kill Hardison later.
Hardison, not Parker. Only because Parker’s apparently too sensitive when it comes to the damn dog. She definitely threatened to castrate him while he slept if he kept being mean to the dog. So, naturally, he stopped doing that in front of her.
He kind of likes his balls, thanks.
Finally after some time the dog settles down next to him and Eliot turns his head to look at her. She licks his nose and barks softly. He narrows his eyes.
“You think you’re cute, but you’re not.”
The dog yips again and snuggles into him, her warm fur tickling Eliot’s nose.
“I hate you.”
Bill responds to that by licking his face again. Eliot sighs, defeated. He tentatively reaches on hand up and pets the poor thing and the dog falls asleep next to him almost instantly.
It’s actually kind of cute when it sleeps, even though it’s made up entirely of evil.
* * *
“Ready or not, here I come!”
“Parker, what the hell are you doing?” comes Nate’s voice from the kitchen.
“Playing hide-and-go-seek,” she says cheerily as she skips off through the living room without another word.
“Nate, you better not be fuckin’ touching the soup,” Eliot says with a growl as he goes into the kitchen. The last thing he needs is Nate trying to spice things up a bit. Last time Sophie almost choked to death coughing as she gasped for water.
Team dinner night kind of blows sometimes, but Hardison likes it for some reason.
“I’m not suicidal,” Nate says dryly as he cracks open the beer he got from the fridge and takes a sip. Eliot narrows his eyes at the beverage but says nothing.
“Oy! Hardison, your show about the blonde girl with a… stick? Is back on,” Eliot hears Sophie call from the living room, obviously confused about what she’s watching.
“It’s not about a blonde girl with a stick Sophie. Buffy The Vampire Slayer is so much more than that,” Hardison retorts.
Eliot rolls his eyes. Doesn’t he have all of that on DVD? Why the hell is he taking up the TV with that crap now? If has to watch that girly bullshit one more time…
“Hey!” Eliot exclaims, noticing Nate hovering near the soup. “Back the fuck off; go into the living room. Get away from my food.”
“I wasn’t touching it,” Nate defends, but Eliot pushes him out of the kitchen quickly. He doesn’t trust him.
“Ahhh!” comes a screech from the living room before a loud crash. Eliot’s rubs his head, willing himself not to just kill everyone in his house.
“Parker, are you okay?!” Sophie’s worried tone floats into the kitchen and Eliot takes a breath before venturing out to see the damage.
Parker’s sprawled out on the floor, apparently tripping over one of the end tables, successfully taking the whole thing down with her as she fell. Bill is barking excitedly, running in circles around her. Jesus.
“What the hell happened?”
“I was trying to catch Bill,” Parker explains, picking herself up. “He’s fast.”
“She,” Eliot corrects, teeth gritting a bit. Hardison raises an eyebrow at him. “Whatever. Can everyone just sit down and shut up till dinner’s ready? And, I don’t know, fuckin’ refrain from breaking shit while you’re at it?”
“It’s Hardison’s fault,” Parker blames, with dramatic pointing and everything.
“Me? Why the hell is it my fault?” Hardison protests.
“Because I tried not to trip over your foot,” Parker retorts, hands on her hips.
Eliot has a migraine, so he goes into the kitchen. Fuck all of that.
Bill comes running in after him, waiting eagerly at his feet to be picked up and coddled like the pile of mush Parker turned her into. He sighs as he hears more arguing in the living room and turns towards the dog. “You wanna go outside?”
The dog yips in response, tail wagging.
“Yeah, me too,” Eliot says as he gathers Bill in his arms and takes her out the backdoor and away from the craziness.
He’s this close to cancelling team dinner night.
* * *
“She chewed up my shoe!” Hardison shrieks, running into the bedroom waving his shoe around emphatically to make his point. He stops as he sees the predicament Eliot and Parker are in - which is half clothed and about to take even more clothes off. He glares.
“What? Weren’t you playing your stupid game?” Eliot defends. He is not about to get bitched our before he can even get laid. That’s fucked up.
“You could have invited me,” Hardison says, eyes narrowing.
“Every time we try when you’re playing with your cartoon you tell us no,” Parker says with a pout. Then she gets an evil gleam in her eye and starts walking her fingers down towards Eliot’s boxers. He smacks her hand away though. Unfortunately, now was not the time for sex. Give it five minutes.
“Yeah, well, it’s still nice to be asked. Now look at my shoe! … And it’s not a cartoon, Parker. World of Warcraft is-”
Eliot interrupts him. “You can get new shoes, man. Relax.”
“I am relaxed!” Hardison yells. “I am the perfect picture of relaxed after what that little monster did to my favorite shoes!”
“Hey, don’t fuckin’ call my dog a monster,” Eliot snaps. Hardison’s eyes go wide and Eliot blinks a bit, realizing what he just said.
Parker squeals and jumps on Eliot, giving him a big hug. “You said he’s yours! You said he’s yours! You love him!”
“I don’t…!” Eliot starts, but is completely smothered. “I don’t love her-ow, Parker! Those were my nuts!”
“Oops, sorry,” Parker says, climbing off of him sheepishly. “My knee didn’t mean to do that.” Eliot winces.
“Dude, you just called her yours,” Hardison says, astounded.
“No I didn’t.”
“You did!”
As if on cue, Bill comes barreling into the room at full speed, jumping on the bed and smacking right into Eliot. Parker giggles and pounces on the dog, which was on top of Eliot so basically she just threw herself at him. He groans and covers his head with a pillow as Hardison laughs.
“I hate my life.”
“No you don’t,” Hardison says with a chuckle as he gets on the bed and starts rubbing Bill’s belly. “I’ll forgive you for my shoe,” he tells her. Bill barks happily.
“Eliot, you love him!” Parker says, obviously very happy. She snuggles into him, pulling Hardison down on her other side and making Bill get in the middle. “Look, see? We’re all a happy family now.”
Eliot rolls his eyes, but relents to the torture. Bill wasn’t nearly as bad as he originally thought, and seeing the look on Parker and Hardison’s face? Maybe it was worth it to get the runt after all.
Because even if they are a dysfunctional messed up family... they are still a family. And that’s gotta count for something.
Even if it does include a dog.
THE END
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta: supershineygirl
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: PG-13 (maybe light R... there's lots of swearin' & some mentions of sexin')
Pairing: Hardison/Parker/Eliot
Completed Length: 5,167 words
Summery: OT3 AU domestic crack!fic... with a dog.
A/N: This is for elena_hepburn who won the bidding on a fic over at help_haiti. Little late, but it's here now! She asked for Hardison/Parker/Eliot and to include a dog (and to keep it PG-13... oh, it was a challenge for me lol). So. Haha. Let the crack!fic commence...
There’re a few things Eliot Spencer doesn’t like.
Guns are one of them; they’re a pussy’s way out of a man’s problem. Another would be alcohol abuse; it’s all fun and dandy until someone sticks a knife in your back cause you were too piss drunk to notice them come at you. Eliot is sure to be at Nate’s side saying “I told you so” when that shit goes down… and then he’ll be kickin’ the crap out of the bastard that dared to fuck with his team. He’s about to kick the crap out of Hardison actually, but not for that. The lazy idiot keeps leaving dirty, wet towels thrown around their bathroom floor and expects Eliot to pick them up.
Does he look like a fuckin’ maid?
But that’s not the highest on his list of things he can’t stand right now. No, what tops that list like the shiny pieces of shit that they are, are surprises. Especially surprises when they involve Parker and her spontaneity and lack of listening skills.
He’s seriously about to make a damn list on the fridge about the things that are and aren’t allowed in this house (and maybe the rules of cleaning up for Hardison) and make Parker memorize them every morning before she goes out and does something like this.
“What the fuck did you just bring into my house?” Eliot asks as he stares at Parker with wide eyed anger.
Parker smiles, not at all phased by his fury; “His name is Shit-zu,” she says proudly, looking down at the monstrosity she’s cradled in her arms with all the love and affection that only some kind of crazy bitch could have for such a thing of evil.
“That’s not even a fuckin’ Shih Tzu, Parker,” Eliot says flatly, looking at the puppy she has in her arms that was very much in the makings of being one large ass Great Dane. Mother fucker.
“Not Shih Tzu, Shit-zu,” Parker coos, like it’s fuckin’ adorable. “He poops everywhere.”
Oh hell no.
“HARDISON!” Eliot screams, his eyes never leaving the sight of disaster in front of him. “Get your ass in here!”
“Man, can’t you just gimme five minutes? I’m in the middle of-” comes Hardison’s call from in the bedroom that’s immediately cut off with a growl from Eliot.
“Get in here now or you’re gonna be picking up pieces of your girlfriend all over the living room!”
Parker glares at him and then shields the puppy’s ears like the damn thing is going to be tainted by Eliot’s anger. “You need medication,” she tells him flatly.
“No, you need medication if you think for one second I’m gonna let you-”
But he’s cut off by Hardison’s angry rambling to himself as he makes his way into the living room. “Now, Hardison,” he mocks. “Your girlfriend, he says. She’s always my girlfriend when she does something-” he stops short of his ramblings as he enters the living room and see’s Parker in all her puppy holding glory.
“Aww,” he says, his face softening a little, but then it clicks in his head what’s wrong and he finishes, “Oh. Uh oh.”
“Uh oh is right, make her get that thing outta here before I have to burn every single piece of furniture that I own!” Eliot yells. Parker shields the puppy again and starts talking to it in a low voice about how Daddy’s always just one big pair of grumpy-pants.
“That we own,” Hardison points out, but it only earns him a furious glare from Eliot and he decides now is not the time to decide who actually owns the furniture.
“Uh, Parker? Baby?” Hardison tries, one eye on Eliot as he inches closer to Parker. “That’s an adorable puppy, really it can win all kinds of awards for its cuteness, but… Eliot is allergic to dogs.”
“I know,” she says with a little smile, still not taking her eyes off the puppy as she bounces it up and down like a little ugly baby and then kisses its nose. “He can get medicine for that.”
She says it like that fixes everything. But if she thinks for one fuckin’ second that Eliot is gonna put up with-
“Eliot doesn’t like dogs, sweetie.”
“Eliot can piss off,” she says simply, that smile still not leaving her face as she coos at it. The dog yips and Eliot swears his head just fuckin’ exploded.
“Don’t tell me to piss off! This is my fuckin’ house too and I don’t want the damn thing in here! It can go to hell for all I give a shit, it just ain’t being here!” Eliot starts advancing on Parker, but Hardison turns and puts a hand on his chest to stop him.
“All dogs go to heaven, Eliot,” Parker says, like he’s being stupid.
Hardison tries to run interference before Eliot explodes again. “Okay, number one: breathe. Remember that yoga technique? It helps when you’re all-”
“Fuck yoga, Hardison!”
Hardison just cocks an eyebrow at him, not backing down from Eliot’s anger either. “Okay, well number two: you’re giving me a damn headache. Be quiet,” Hardison tells him before leaning in and kissing him hard enough to make Eliot lose his train of thought for a second. “There, better. Now sit down, I’ll deal with this.” He says, pushing him back with one hand towards the couch. Eliot just scowls, but reluctantly sits. He knows he ain’t good at this; this is why Hardison’s always the mediator.
If it wasn’t for all the mind-blowing sex the three of them had and all the times they had when Parker and Eliot didn’t want to rip each other apart, Eliot would have packed his bags a long time ago.
“I’m not giving up Shit-zu,” Parker says firmly, pulling the dog in closer to her chest and looking at Hardison like he’s the enemy too.
Hardison blinks, “Parker, that’s a Great Dane.”
“His name is Shit-zu,” Parker says, annoyed with how no one seems to get the absurdity of that. “And he’s mine. Ours. But not so much Eliot’s cause he’s being a douche.”
“Parker, I will so pick up that puppy and throw it right out the damn-”
“Eliot, shut up,” Hardison snaps at him. Then he turns to Parker, “And don’t call Eliot a douche.”
“He’s being one,” she defends. “Shit-zu was all happy to meet his two Daddies and Eliot is being grumpy again. Go have sex with him so he can stop and we can all be happy.” She points at the bedroom like she’s ordering now.
The world was so simple according to Parker.
“Yeah, Hardison. Let’s go fuck and then I can break out in hives,” Eliot says sarcastically.
“Man, you don’t listen. Do you see me?” Hardison says, pointing erratically at himself. “This is me handling it. Go into the other room and wait till I’m done.”
“You can’t just order me around like I’m you’re bitch.”
Hardison cocks an eyebrow and without his gaze leaving Eliot’s he says, “Okay Parker, you can keep the dog.”
Parker squeals excitedly, jumping up and down with the puppy bouncing around in her arms. Good thing it ain’t a baby or the poor kid would have brain damage in no time. Okay and now the thought of Parker as a mother is kind of frightening. Time to go.
Eliot scowls and gets up off the couch, pointing menacingly. “You have thirty minutes to get that thing out of my house,” he demands as he stomps into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
God damnit.
* * *
“We’re keeping the dog.”
“What?! Have you lost your fucking-” Eliot’s pissed off rant is silenced by another searing kiss that leaves his brain useless to all thoughts besides the one he’s having about how they’re on a bed and the many ways that could be useful.
Damn this boy.
When Hardison pulls back he covers Eliot’s mouth with his hand before another string of obscenities is thrown at him. “I’m sorry, but Parker’s right; you can get medication. Besides, have you seen her with that thing? She already loves it more than us.”
“Just another reason to drown it,” Eliot grumbles.
“Okay Cruella de Vil, you can do that and I’ll sit back while Parker murders you in inventive and possibly highly disturbing and painful ways.”
“Whatever. Fuck this, Hardison! Medication ain’t the fuckin’ point. The point is I don’t want that little shit tearing up my furniture, barking when I’m trying to sleep, pissin’ all over the carpet, shedding all-”
“Eliot,” Hardison says flatly. “You remember when Parker wanted to be the one that cooked for us all? You remember what we decided right then?” Eliot doesn’t answer him, but not because he doesn’t know the answer. Hardison goes on, “We live in a democracy; majority rules. Sorry baby, but you were overruled.”
“Fuck off.”
He hates that stupid rule now. It was better when he got his way.
“Come on man, it’s adorable, you gotta give it that,” Hardison presses. Eliot just scowls. “And we can work on the name, okay? Majority will rule on that too.”
“I’m calling it ‘Fucker.’”
“Pretty sure you’ll be overruled on that too. I’m gonna call it Shit-zu before I start yelling ‘Here Fucker!’ all over the damn city,” Hardison tells him.
Eliot smirks.
“Come on…” Hardison says, using his voice of reason and comfort that always gets under Eliot’s skin no matter how much he tries to ignore it. He runs his hand up Eliot’s muscled arm. “You’ve seen the way Parker looks at it; how can you deny her the happiness?”
Eliot rolls his eyes. Fuck her happiness. What about his happiness? His happiness doesn’t include some little shit running amok and driving him up the wall.
“Fuck her happiness,” he says finally. Might as well go with what he was thinking.
“You know, I might have believed that if you didn’t let her keep her ant farm just to make her happy,” Hardison says with a smirk.
Eliot glowers. “It was her birthday.”
“No it wasn’t.”
“For the sake of this fuckin’ conversation, we’re gonna say it was.”
Hardison’s smirk widens. “You liiiike her,” he taunts.
“I hate her.”
“You luurrvv her.”
“Dude, I’m so about to break your face.”
Hardison laughs, pushing Eliot down on his back and straddling the older man. “Maybe after we break the bed.”
Eliot cocks an eyebrow, but isn’t saying no to the situation. “Where’s Parker?”
“Out getting meds for you. She told me to fuck you until you succumbed to our evil plan.” Hardison’s lips find his neck then, making Eliot growl low in his throat and his hands grab onto the hacker’s back, pulling him closer.
“Fuckin’ evil,” he agrees gruffly as he presses his lower body into his.
Hardison smirks against his skin, “But you’re succumbing.” His lips blaze a hot trail over his throat and then back up to his ear.
“I hate you.” It doesn’t sound like he hates him all that much though.
Hardison chuckles, the low rumble going straight through Eliot’s body and speed lining to his groin. “Tell me that once I got your dick in my mouth.”
Eliot’s pretty damn sure he’s not gonna be able to do that.
* * *
“His name is Shit-zu!” Parker yells, not backing down on this front.
After about an hour of Hardison showing Eliot all the ways he could ‘hate’ him, Parker had come back with medicine that Eliot took begrudgingly. Now they all sat around in the living room, the dog running rampant around the house in a way that make Eliot want to use it for target practice, while they all argued over a name for it.
“Parker, just… a ‘by the way’ thing here but... ‘he’ is actually a ‘she’,” Hardison points out.
“His name is Shit-zu,” Parker says firmly, apparently not giving up on the dogs gender either, even though it clearly had no balls.
“His name is Fucker,” Eliot says with a smirk, just to be aggravating. With an annoyed look shot at him he revised. “Sorry, her name is Fucker.” Hardison sighs.
“Can we not name the dog after a swear word, please?”
“Shit-zu.”
“Fucker.”
“Oh my god, are you guys twelve?” Hardison says, frustrated. He puts his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. “How about regular name like Fido?” Parker and Eliot shoot him equal looks of disbelief. “Hey, you know what? I’m just trying to compromise. If I had it my way she would be named Éowyn.”
“That’s a stupid name,” Parker says flatly.
“Let me guess, another geek pride thing?” Eliot asks with a scoff. “We’re not naming the dog after someone who’s in Harry Potter or something.”
“Okay, you did not just compare Lord of The Rings to Harry Potter. We’re so about to throw down.”
“Shit-zu,” Parker says again.
“Fucker.”
“Éowyn!”
This is clearly getting nowhere.
The argument goes on for about an hour. After awhile Eliot suggests ‘Killer’ but Parker made a big fuss about how her precious baby isn’t a killer, and instead went a different route and started calling it ‘Dandelion’ for some God awful unknown reason. Hardison was still pissed about the Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Ring thing and made a big speech about how if he was going to name the dog anything from Harry Potter it would be Narcissa because she was cool for this that and another reason no one was listening to, which made Eliot made a crack about he’s narcissistic, which in turn led Parker to point out that if anyone’s narcissistic it’s because of him and his ‘stupid hair’.
The argument over Eliot’s hair lasted another hour.
At some point their argument turned into a shoving match, which Eliot is pretty sure Hardison started once Parker suggested that his vote for a name doesn’t count because she didn’t want to name her puppy after video games, movies, or comic book men with tight clothes and no package. The shoving match somehow turned into Parker landing on Eliot, her hand all over something that got his attention straight away. Clothes were shed, angry sex was had by all, and when it was all said and done they were all laid together on the carpet, out of breath when Parker said:
“Bill.”
“It’s a girl,” Hardison reminds her, about to get up to look for his clothes but apparently that decision was vetoed in all of about five seconds after he lays his head back down on Parker’s stomach.
“Money: Dollar: Bill,” Parker explains breathlessly, playing with Eliot’s hair between her fingers.
Money was something they all agreed on, so both Hardison and Eliot look at each other before unanimously deciding:
“Bill.”
* * *
“What the hell is that?” Nate exclaims as the trio walk into his apartment with Bill practically dragging Parker inside.
“Bill,” Hardison says as he watches Parker get dragged around, giggling as she goes.
“Bill?” Nate asks like he doesn’t know what to make of the thing that’s freaking out about being able to explore new territory.
“Aww, a puppy!” Sophie says, coming out of the kitchen with a big smile that should only be reserved for things that deserve it. Eliot’s still bitter about losing the dog war. She comes over to Parker who has finally collapsed on the couch; Bill running all over her and licking at her face as she squeals like a five year old. “What’s its name?”
“His name is Bill!” Parker says excitedly.
“Her name is Bill,” Hardison corrects.
“Why did you name a female Bill?” Sophie asks, confused.
“Why is Bill in my house?” Nate asks, annoyed. One of his eyes is twitching from seeing the thing jump all over his furniture.
Yeah, that’s how Eliot feels.
Nate looks at Eliot like he should be the one to explain. Eliot holds up his hands. “Hey man, I didn’t want the thing. Blame them.” He points at Parker and Hardison, who has now come over to coo at the puppy just like the two women.
“Aw, you know what you should get? Some of those little funny costumes that you American’s like to get; dress her all up,” Sophie suggests as she looks at the dog like it’s her new freaking doll.
Parker puts a stop to that quickly. “Sophie, he’s a dog, not a clown. He didn’t come out of one of those funny cars.”
“She,” Hardison corrects for the millionth time.
“Where did you find him?” Sophie asks, ignoring Parker’s request at not dressing up the dog as she seems to be sizing it up for what size tutu the thing is gonna wear.
Eliot is so drawing the line ay the dog in a tutu.
“In an alley. In a box. He was cold,” Parker says with a pout as she picks Bill up and snuggles her. Hardison doesn’t bother correcting the gender issue again.
“Parker, can you get the dog off of my couch before she-” Nate tries, but it’s too late. Bill has jumped off of Parker’s lap and piddled on the couch before he even finished his sentence.
Nate practically blew a vein.
* * *
“Outside.”
“No! Eliot, he doesn’t like it out there!” Parker protests as she picks up the dog who just shit on his fuckin’ carpet.
“Put her outside before I throw her outside.”
“Why are you always so mean?!” Parker yells. “He can’t help it that he has to go to the bathroom! Do I tell you to go outside when you need to go?!”
“I use the fuckin’ toilet. So unless you can train Bill to use the toilet, the damn thing goes outside!”
“But-!”
“Parker, honey, bring Bill outside for a little while,” Hardison says calmly, putting his hands on her shoulders to calm her. Parker shoots daggers in Eliot’s direction but stomps off, mumbling under her breath about how she’s gonna lock all the bathrooms and make Eliot do his business outside from now on.
“I’m going fuckin’ crazy, Hardison,” Eliot says.
Hardison sighs and grabs some paper towels before picking up the feces with it, “It’s a puppy, Eliot. You gotta give it time. Parker needs to train her.”
“She doesn’t do shit but snuggle the damn thing.”
“Well then you train her,” Hardison says as he brings the spoiled paper towel to the door and throws it outside. He closes the door.
“I’m not doing nothin’ with that damn animal.”
“Fine, I’ll train her. Just chill out, seriously. You’re upsetting Parker all the time.”
“Does no one give half a fuck that she’s upsetting me?!”
“Of course I give half a fuck,” Hardison tells him, giving him a look like he should’ve known better than to even ask that. “I give a whole lotta fuck, actually. But she’s more sensitive than you are.”
“Oh, What-the-fuck-ever.”
“You know she cried yesterday because she thinks you hate her baby?”
Eliot tries to pretend that that one sentence doesn’t make him feel guilty as hell. “I do hate her baby,” he says flatly.
Hardison cocks an eyebrow at him.
“I do hate the damn thing, Hardison! But fuck, fine, I’ll go… whatever. Kiss her and make it better or something.”
“Bring money. She cried a lot.”
Eliot rolls his eyes but grabs his wallet, counting what he had in it. Two hundred bucks. He looks up at Hardison. “Spot me a bill?”
“I’ll spot you three. But you’re paying me back later,” Hardison says, digging in his pocket before throwing three hundred at Eliot. Eliot gives him a small smile before leaning in to kiss him.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, yeah. Best boyfriend ever,” Hardison says with an eye roll.
Eliot makes his way outside and spots Parker pouting near the fence as Bill lays her head in the thief’s lap and yawns nice and big before closing her eyes. Parker sighs and starts petting her softly.
“Hey,” Eliot says softly, coming up to her. She glares at him.
“What do you want?”
Eliot sits on the ground next to her, hating when he has to apologize. But he says, “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”
“You’re always an asshole.”
“No, Parker. See, this is where you say ‘I’m sorry I let my dog shit in the house.’”
“You’re an asshole,” she says flatly.
Eliot sighs, holding out the five hundred dollars for her. Parker’s eyes light up and she grabs it, petting it a little with a smile before she tells him, “You’re still an asshole, but thank you.”
“Fuck, Parker,” Eliot exclaims, exasperated. “What do you want me to do to not be an asshole then? You need more fuckin’ money? We can make a trip to the bank.”
“You’re stupid,” she tells him, like it’s so simple. She takes a breath and faces him. “Kiss me.”
Okay, he can do that.
He leans in, pressing his lips softly against hers. She closes her eyes and tangles her fingers in his hair as she opens her mouth, inviting his tongue inside for a taste. It’s over too quick though and she pulls back.
“Now kiss him,” she says, pointing to the dog.
“Parker, I’m not making out with the fuckin’ dog!”
“Eww! No, kiss him on the head,” Parker revises, her face still masked in horror at the thought of Eliot violating her puppy. Eliot’s pretty sure his brain is scarred for life by the mental image too. He looks down at the dog though, a look of distaste clear on his face.
“He’s gonna make me sneeze.”
“No he’s not, you’re on meds. Kiss him.”
Eliot rolls his eyes, holds his breath, and leans down and kisses the dog on the forehead. The thing whimpers and looks up at him all cute… in that evil kind of way.
“Now call him our dog.”
“Parker…”
“Say it or I’ll hate you forever,” Parker tells him, her eyes meaning business. He sighs.
“Bill is our dog. Happy?”
Clearly she is because she jumped on him and they made out in the grass for a good half an hour. Eliot decides that maybe he can be a bit nicer to the thing if he makes Parker jump him like this. That might be one sacrifice that could be worth it.
* * *
“Stop starin’ at me.”
Bill just keeps staring up at Eliot, unblinking. It was kind of creepy.
Eliot waves his hands at it. “Go! Shoo! Go bother Parker!”
The dog doesn’t move. It yawns though, and then continues staring.
Fucking Christ. “Hardison?” Eliot calls out. No answer. “Hardison, the dog’s freakin’ me out.” Still no answer. “Parker?” he tries. Nothing. Fucking shit.
Bill just stares at him. She blinks once and cocks her head.
“I’m gonna skin your ass and wear your fur as a hat,” Eliot tries threatening it, but Bill doesn’t seem bothered. She sticks her tongue out at him and pants a little. Eliot’s lip curls up in distaste.
“Go away,” Eliot says, trying to nudge her with his foot but all it does is make Bill yip before pouncing up on his lap and licking his face. “Oh, fuckin’ sick! HARDISON!” he yells, trying to get the dog off of him. No answer still.
He gets Bill on the ground but the second he lets go she jumps up in his lap again. “PARKER!” he yells. Still no answer. “Fucking god damnit what the hell!” He pushes the dog off. She jumps back on. Off. On. Off. On.
It goes on like that for about twenty minutes before Eliot sighs in frustration and lies face down on the bed, pulling a pillow over his head in defeat. The dog does a victory dance on his back and all he can think about is how badly he’s gonna kill Hardison later.
Hardison, not Parker. Only because Parker’s apparently too sensitive when it comes to the damn dog. She definitely threatened to castrate him while he slept if he kept being mean to the dog. So, naturally, he stopped doing that in front of her.
He kind of likes his balls, thanks.
Finally after some time the dog settles down next to him and Eliot turns his head to look at her. She licks his nose and barks softly. He narrows his eyes.
“You think you’re cute, but you’re not.”
The dog yips again and snuggles into him, her warm fur tickling Eliot’s nose.
“I hate you.”
Bill responds to that by licking his face again. Eliot sighs, defeated. He tentatively reaches on hand up and pets the poor thing and the dog falls asleep next to him almost instantly.
It’s actually kind of cute when it sleeps, even though it’s made up entirely of evil.
* * *
“Ready or not, here I come!”
“Parker, what the hell are you doing?” comes Nate’s voice from the kitchen.
“Playing hide-and-go-seek,” she says cheerily as she skips off through the living room without another word.
“Nate, you better not be fuckin’ touching the soup,” Eliot says with a growl as he goes into the kitchen. The last thing he needs is Nate trying to spice things up a bit. Last time Sophie almost choked to death coughing as she gasped for water.
Team dinner night kind of blows sometimes, but Hardison likes it for some reason.
“I’m not suicidal,” Nate says dryly as he cracks open the beer he got from the fridge and takes a sip. Eliot narrows his eyes at the beverage but says nothing.
“Oy! Hardison, your show about the blonde girl with a… stick? Is back on,” Eliot hears Sophie call from the living room, obviously confused about what she’s watching.
“It’s not about a blonde girl with a stick Sophie. Buffy The Vampire Slayer is so much more than that,” Hardison retorts.
Eliot rolls his eyes. Doesn’t he have all of that on DVD? Why the hell is he taking up the TV with that crap now? If has to watch that girly bullshit one more time…
“Hey!” Eliot exclaims, noticing Nate hovering near the soup. “Back the fuck off; go into the living room. Get away from my food.”
“I wasn’t touching it,” Nate defends, but Eliot pushes him out of the kitchen quickly. He doesn’t trust him.
“Ahhh!” comes a screech from the living room before a loud crash. Eliot’s rubs his head, willing himself not to just kill everyone in his house.
“Parker, are you okay?!” Sophie’s worried tone floats into the kitchen and Eliot takes a breath before venturing out to see the damage.
Parker’s sprawled out on the floor, apparently tripping over one of the end tables, successfully taking the whole thing down with her as she fell. Bill is barking excitedly, running in circles around her. Jesus.
“What the hell happened?”
“I was trying to catch Bill,” Parker explains, picking herself up. “He’s fast.”
“She,” Eliot corrects, teeth gritting a bit. Hardison raises an eyebrow at him. “Whatever. Can everyone just sit down and shut up till dinner’s ready? And, I don’t know, fuckin’ refrain from breaking shit while you’re at it?”
“It’s Hardison’s fault,” Parker blames, with dramatic pointing and everything.
“Me? Why the hell is it my fault?” Hardison protests.
“Because I tried not to trip over your foot,” Parker retorts, hands on her hips.
Eliot has a migraine, so he goes into the kitchen. Fuck all of that.
Bill comes running in after him, waiting eagerly at his feet to be picked up and coddled like the pile of mush Parker turned her into. He sighs as he hears more arguing in the living room and turns towards the dog. “You wanna go outside?”
The dog yips in response, tail wagging.
“Yeah, me too,” Eliot says as he gathers Bill in his arms and takes her out the backdoor and away from the craziness.
He’s this close to cancelling team dinner night.
* * *
“She chewed up my shoe!” Hardison shrieks, running into the bedroom waving his shoe around emphatically to make his point. He stops as he sees the predicament Eliot and Parker are in - which is half clothed and about to take even more clothes off. He glares.
“What? Weren’t you playing your stupid game?” Eliot defends. He is not about to get bitched our before he can even get laid. That’s fucked up.
“You could have invited me,” Hardison says, eyes narrowing.
“Every time we try when you’re playing with your cartoon you tell us no,” Parker says with a pout. Then she gets an evil gleam in her eye and starts walking her fingers down towards Eliot’s boxers. He smacks her hand away though. Unfortunately, now was not the time for sex. Give it five minutes.
“Yeah, well, it’s still nice to be asked. Now look at my shoe! … And it’s not a cartoon, Parker. World of Warcraft is-”
Eliot interrupts him. “You can get new shoes, man. Relax.”
“I am relaxed!” Hardison yells. “I am the perfect picture of relaxed after what that little monster did to my favorite shoes!”
“Hey, don’t fuckin’ call my dog a monster,” Eliot snaps. Hardison’s eyes go wide and Eliot blinks a bit, realizing what he just said.
Parker squeals and jumps on Eliot, giving him a big hug. “You said he’s yours! You said he’s yours! You love him!”
“I don’t…!” Eliot starts, but is completely smothered. “I don’t love her-ow, Parker! Those were my nuts!”
“Oops, sorry,” Parker says, climbing off of him sheepishly. “My knee didn’t mean to do that.” Eliot winces.
“Dude, you just called her yours,” Hardison says, astounded.
“No I didn’t.”
“You did!”
As if on cue, Bill comes barreling into the room at full speed, jumping on the bed and smacking right into Eliot. Parker giggles and pounces on the dog, which was on top of Eliot so basically she just threw herself at him. He groans and covers his head with a pillow as Hardison laughs.
“I hate my life.”
“No you don’t,” Hardison says with a chuckle as he gets on the bed and starts rubbing Bill’s belly. “I’ll forgive you for my shoe,” he tells her. Bill barks happily.
“Eliot, you love him!” Parker says, obviously very happy. She snuggles into him, pulling Hardison down on her other side and making Bill get in the middle. “Look, see? We’re all a happy family now.”
Eliot rolls his eyes, but relents to the torture. Bill wasn’t nearly as bad as he originally thought, and seeing the look on Parker and Hardison’s face? Maybe it was worth it to get the runt after all.
Because even if they are a dysfunctional messed up family... they are still a family. And that’s gotta count for something.
Even if it does include a dog.
THE END