Fanfiction || Sexual Suicide || Parker/Hardison || Part 3/3
Title: Sexual Suicide
Author: cuzimastripper
Beta: koryou
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Parker/Hardison (includes references to Parker/Nate, Parker/Sophie, Parker/Eliot) ... oh and there's some Nate/Eliot UST
Word Length (this part only): 6,429 words
Total Word Length: 21,588 words
Summary: She always knew he'd be the one to save her... but she never thought she'd be the one to destroy him.
Warning: **** DARK!FIC **** like, for real. It has a happy ending, I have a sickness with those, but this is kind of uber!dark. There is no character death: the title is a metaphor lol. This deals with a very real sex addiction and how it can form and manifest in people and pretty much destroy their lives.
A/N: I've written a couple stories for Leverage that has to do with real, dark issues like this before, but this is the first time ever posting it publicly. Well, okay, I did deal with domestic abuse and have skated lightly over rape, but this is much more in depth and... yeah. So. Read at your own risk.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO
PART III
She lasted a whole week and a half with just masturbating until finally she felt like she was going insane. It had been, what? Almost three weeks now since she had sex. It was driving her crazy. She would look at Hardison and all she could think about was running her tongue over his abs. She wanted to touch him so bad, have him touch her. And she’s pretty sure he could tell something was going on with her, because he kept asking if she was okay.
“Fine,” she’d lie.
But she wasn’t fine. All she could think about was having Hardison buried deep inside of her and taking what belonged to him. And she did now; belong to him. She was all his. And she wanted to give all of herself to him. And it was driving her crazy.
She couldn’t take it anymore.
They were sleeping. Well, trying to sleep. Okay, well, he was sleeping. She was too horny to think, let alone sleep. She was watching him, breathing lightly, contently, as he slept, and she gets an idea.
…Would it be wrong to just… look?
Deciding that’s not too bad, she carefully slides the covers off of him, being careful not to wake him. He was in his boxers, and she bites her lower lip as she gets excited about what she’s about to do. Part of her knows it’s wrong, but she just… she just can’t help herself. He was just there.
She carefully, carefully slides his boxers down. He mumbles something in his sleep and she freezes, but he doesn’t wake up. She relaxes, and then gets a dirty little smirk on her face. God… look at him. He was fucking… just… god.
Her breathing starts to pick up as she slides her hand in her panties, finding herself completely soaked. She moans softly, just staring at him like he was some kind of great porn video. But as she continues to pleasure herself while looking at him, the urge to touch him becomes so uncontrollable that she can’t stop it.
She sits up, looking down at him, making sure he’s still fast asleep. When she finds that he is, her fingers start to trail lightly over his shaft. Hardison mumbles again in his sleep, shifting a little bit. But he doesn’t wake up, so she gets bolder, wrapping her hand around it. She wanted to get him hard. She’s jerking him off, and Hardison’s making little sounds in his sleep. He’s probably thinking he’s dreaming. It makes her smile. Well, if he’s gonna dream about it, she might as well make it good.
Unfortunately, when her mouth wraps around him… it wakes him up.
“Wha-?” he mumbles incoherently, confused and disoriented. Then he seems to realize what’s going on, because he pushes Parker off of him… hard. “What are you doing?!”
“I’m sorry!” she says automatically, the guilt ripping through her so fast it almost feels like it’s destroying her. The way he’s looking at her… oh god, she doesn’t like that.
He looks like he’s almost scared of her.
“You… you fucking… oh my god,” he says, like he couldn’t believe that she would do something like that. He pulls his boxers back up and gets off the bed, backing away from her.
“I’m sorry!” Parker says again. “I just couldn’t take it! I couldn’t stop myself!”
“Parker…. You just fucking… molested me! Do you realize that?!”
“What?” she asks, confused, hurt, and just… defensive. “How can I molest you? You’re my boyfriend! You’re supposed to like it!”
“I have to get away from you,” he says, though it sounds like it’s more to himself than to her. He starts to walk away.
“Alec!”
“No, Parker!” he yells, turning to face her. “You just crossed the line. You don’t play with someone’s genitals when they’re sleeping! That’s called molestation!”
“But I didn’t-” She couldn’t…
“You did!” Hardison yells at her, and she feels like she’s crumbling inside. What was she? She couldn’t be… she couldn’t be one of those people. She wasn’t!
“No!” she yells, desperate for him to tell her that he’s lying to her. She can’t handle this, not right now.
“I’m not sleeping with you tonight,” he tells her, furious. “Stay in here. Don’t do anything stupid.” And then he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Parker just… breaks.
She was exactly like her mother. She might not have let someone molest her child but she molested someone. What does that say about her? What does that make her? Parker screams, rage and fury directed at herself and she just wants to… tear herself apart.
She was disgusting! She was filthy and dirty and just so fucking sick! She was NOTHING! Such a dirty fucking whore who took whatever she wanted and just hurt everyone!
She screams again, and locks the door before she punches the mirror. It shatters, slicing open her hand. She can hear the bangs on the door as Hardison tries to get back in, but he can’t.
“Parker, what are you doing? OPEN THE DOOR!”
Parker chokes back a sob and grabs a piece of glass. Squeezing her hand around it, she watches the blood pour from the wounds and drip down her arm. She can hear Hardison trying to kick the door in. She just cries, and she doesn’t even realize her hand had moved until she feels a sting, and she realized she just gashed open her forearm.
There’s another kick, and a splintering sound. But Parker can barely hear it, she’s just watching the blood continue to flow out of her. It was so beautiful, in this sick, disgusting way. It’s how she should look… all covered in blood. It’s what she was. A monster.
Another splinter and a crash and then suddenly Hardison’s frantic, screaming at the sight of her. “Parker! Fuck, stop it!” He grabs the piece of glass out of her hand, cutting himself in the process. There’s too much blood. He’s hyperventilating, scared to death, but he picks her up. She just felt so numb, so… nothing. She didn’t care anymore. She barely noticed as he threw her in the car and took her to the hospital.
She doesn’t know when she passed out.
When she woke though, she could hear the beeping noise on the heart monitor, and could see Hardison, Nate, Eliot, and... Sophie? They were talking to the doctor, each looking more worried than the last. What had happened? Ow, her arm hurts. Ow, shit, so do her hands. She looks down… she was bandaged up. A lot.
“Parker,” she hears Sophie say softly as she realizes she’s awake. Everyone else turns to look at her. She just blinks, staring at all of them. What happened?
“I feel… funny,” she manages to get out. She does. She feels really weak. She must have lost a lot of blood.
“You almost fuckin’ killed yourself,” Eliot says, anger and hurt coloring his voice. He’s looking like he’s almost on the verge of tears… but Eliot doesn’t cry. Right?
“What?”
“I’ll give you a few minutes alone,” the doctor says softly, but he’s looking at Parker like she’s some sort of… maybe a fuck up? What did she do?
“What happened?” Parker asks. Her head hurts. God, headache. She doesn’t like the lights in this place. They danced in front of her eyes and poked them with hot branding irons. Or something. Ow.
“You sliced yourself open pretty badly,” Nate tells her, and his eyes fall to rest on her bandages. She looks down at them too, confused. Then stuff starts coming back to her… but slowly. Confusing. Almost like it was a dream. Pieces were missing. Big chunks, small chunks… it was fuzzy.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?” Sophie asks, and Parker just now realizes she’s crying. Oh no, she didn’t want to make her do that.
“I… I didn’t. I don’t think. No. I was just… I was mad… I didn’t want to die,” Parker tells her as she tries to remember. She’s pretty sure she didn’t want to die. Just… destroy. Destroying felt… it felt nice. It made her happy almost.
Though right now, it doesn’t seem very worth it.
“Great, she gets angry and she needs to have sex. We take away sex and she needs to slice herself open. This isn’t working,” Eliot says, frustrated.
“Eliot, shut up,” Hardison says, his eyes narrowing. He’s pissed that Eliot isn’t being positive. They’re both visibly upset though, and as men, the only way they seem to be able to handle it is with anger. “You don’t know what happened.”
“I don’t know because you don’t tell us! How are we supposed to help if you keep everything a secret?!”
“It’s not my business to tell!”
“Oh, just like it wasn’t your business to tell us that you two are now dating?! That’s probably the stupidest fucking most selfish decision you’ve ever made. Parker can’t date right now! LOOK AT HER!”
Eliot was right. Hardison was right in the first place. Why didn’t she listen? She couldn’t date. Look what she did…
“Both of you, SHUT UP!” Nate yells. They both fall silent. “You aren’t helping.”
Sophie’s still crying, and she buries her face in Nate’s chest. It makes Parker want to cry. She doesn’t want her to do that! This is bad. Look what she’s doing! “Sophie, I wasn’t trying to die,” she tries, but Sophie just keeps crying.
Other patients were starting to stare. Parker definitely wants to leave now. She doesn’t like being looked at like some sort of midget on rollerblades juggling forks.
“Can we go home now?” she asks in a small voice.
Nate just sighs. “Soon. But you’re not going back over Hardison’s. You’re going over my house.”
“Why?”
“Because every single fucking one of us is going to watch you now. You’re not… you’re not safe.”
“I’m fine. I won’t do it again,” Parker tells him, but every single one of them looks at her like they don’t believe her. She frowns.
Being watched twenty-four seven by four different people was weird. She couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone anymore. Though Sophie was the one that got that duty, everyone else felt too weird being in the room when she had to use the toilet, and they all nominated Sophie since ‘girls always go to the bathroom in pairs anyway.’ Sophie mumbled something about men being bloody fucking stupid, but relented.
Three days after that happened, she was taking a shower, Sophie sitting on the toilet seat as she waited for her to finish. The curtain was like a foggy clear, and she could keep seeing Sophie glance over at her silhouette every now and then. She was trying to get better, really she was. Now, anyway. But this wasn’t easy for Sophie, especially since she seems to be going through realizing she likes women, and Parker could see the window of opportunity.
So she tries to make the temptation go away. That was the biggest step she’s ever taken, and no matter what happens… she is proud of herself for that.
“Sophie, you should go get someone else to watch me,” she tells her. She was getting turned on by Sophie’s fleeting glances, knowing she’s looking at her. Knowing she’s thinking about her naked. If Sophie continued to stay here… well…
“What? Why?”
“You’re making me horny.”
“I’m sitting on the bloody toilet. How can I be doing that?” she asks incredulously.
“You keep looking at me through the curtain. You’re thinking about me naked,” Parker tells her, and is fighting her own will so she wouldn’t start touching herself, just listening to Sophie’s voice. She did love her accent, it was sexy.
“Parker, I can control my own thoughts,” Sophie defends.
“Sophie, I swear to god, if you don’t get someone else, I am going to rip off your clothes and fuck the hell out of you, and Hardison will be so mad at me. I’m not allowed to cheat.”
Sophie blinks, standing up. She’s a bit shocked by how blunt Parker was with that. She stutters an acceptance and leaves quickly. Parker bites on her lower lip softly and slides her fingers over her clit. God, this wasn’t fair. She can never seem to have total control over this. At least she got Sophie out of the room. She moans, leaning her head against the cold tile. Fuck, this felt good.
But then the door opens. She doesn’t care, she’s too into it now.
“No! No way!” she hears Nate yell. “She’s masturbating! Oh god…” he says it like he’s afraid of it.
“THEN STOP HER!” someone yells, Parker can’t tell who. Probably Eliot or Sophie.
“You do it! I’m not gonna… just, no!” Nate yells, and she can hear him leave, but she doesn’t care. She moans again, panting a little as she gets herself off. There’s more arguing, and then suddenly she hears the door open and then close behind whoever just came in.
“Just finish,” she hears Hardison tells her softly, but it’s almost like defeat. “I know you need to.”
“God,” she pants out, relief washing through her as she realizes no one’s going to stop her. “Mmfpph… fuck… Alec, I’m sorry…” she manages to get out, before her eyes close tightly shut and she grits her teeth, trying not to scream as she cums so hard she can feel it squirt down her legs. She lets out a breath and leans heavily against the wall. Shit.
The only thing that can be heard for a long time is the sound the water from the shower head beating against the porcelain of the tub. She bites her lower lip, worried about what he’s going to say. “I’m sorry,” she says again.
“I’m proud of you for telling Sophie to leave when you knew you couldn’t handle it,” Hardison starts, softly. “But…” God, she doesn’t like buts. He sighs, and switches to, “I love you, Parker. But I don’t know if I can…”
She doesn’t let him finish. She whips open the shower curtain, looking at him. She was scared. “Don’t break up with me,” she says quickly. “Please don’t. Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I molested you and I’m sorry I hurt myself and I’m sorry I wanted to fuck Sophie. I am so so so so sorry.”
Hardison just sighs, leaning against the wall. She can tell this is hurting him. “Parker…”
“No,” she says, and she can feel the tears well up in her eyes. She steps out of the shower and comes over to him. Her nakedness barely even fazes him anymore, and she doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. “Please Alec, I’m sorry. You’re the only thing that…” she bites her lower lip and looks down as she wipes one tear away. “You’re the only thing that makes me able to do this… To try to be okay…”
“This just hurts me, Parker. All of this. I love you so much, and I’m trying so hard to help you and I feel like it’s just getting worse.”
“It’s not!” she protests. “It’s not, I made Sophie leave, remember?”
“But you also molested me and then sliced yourself open. That was because of me. If I wasn’t there then that would have never happened.”
Parker blinks, taking a step back from him. Whoa, that was a mind fuck. It was like seeing herself in the mirror. Oh no. “You’re blaming yourself,” she says slowly. “When it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault entirely, I put temptation in front of you and then-”
“No!” she cries. “Shut up! Don’t say that! You told me that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, it was theirs. And what I did to you wasn’t your fault! It’s mine! I FUCKED UP! Okay? I… I… did something really bad to you and I’m so, so sorry. And maybe you shouldn’t forgive me. I don’t think I would. But don’t sit there and say it’s your fault! I’m the one with the problem!”
“Parker…”
“No! No, you stand here and you tell me how sick I was for doing that! I want you to tell me that I fucked up, Alec! It’s MY fault! Say it!”
“No, I won’t-”
“SAY IT!” she screams, “Look at me! Look at what I am! Look at what I did! It wasn’t your fault! Tell me I was wrong!”
“You were wrong, okay?!” Hardison screams suddenly. “Fuck, Parker. It made me feel… it made me feel like some sort of toy for your amusement, like you didn’t even care that I said no, because you were gonna take it anyway! Yes, I love you, and yes I would’ve loved to make love to you when you’re ready, but I can’t believe you did that! YOU SCARED ME! And now I’m so god damn paranoid when I go to bed that you’re gonna do it again! I haven’t slept in three days!”
“Fuck,” he swears, and slides down the wall to sit on the floor, putting his head in his hands. Parker’s bottom lip trembles.
“I am so sorry…” she tells him softly. “I am so… so sorry…” she’s crying now, and he looks up at her. Their eyes just connect for a long time before he reaches up, touching her cheek lightly.
“I know,” he says softly. Pain is written all over his face, and she knows it’s the end. “But I don’t know if I can forgive you right now.”
She doesn’t beg him, she doesn’t tell him that she needs him. She can’t. Her voice doesn’t work anymore, and she just watches as he gets up, leaving her in a naked, distraught heap on the floor. So she does the only thing she can do… she just cries.
Parker didn’t get out of bed for four days after that. All she did was cry. She cried so much she doesn’t know how she hasn’t shriveled up to a raisin by now.
Sophie stayed with her the most; no one else could bear to keep watch on her when all she did was cry. Sophie would hold her though, stroke her hair and try to comfort her. Sophie didn’t know why they broke up, but she never asked. She just tried to keep Parker as relatively calm as she could. She started reading to her, just trying to get her mind off of things. Parker would lay her head in her lap and just stare at the wall, eyes bloodshot and mouth dry… and just try to think of the happy places Sophie was reading about.
On the fourth day, Parker told her what happened.
“I touched Alec when he was sleeping,” she mumbles softly, while laying her head in her lap. The hand that’s stroking her hair stops. Parker winces internally, waiting for her to yell or tell her she’s disgusting or something.
Sophie sighs softly, and is quiet for a really long time. “That’s why he hasn’t been sleeping.”
“He’s scared of me now,” Parker says, feeling the lump form in her throat. She turns to look up at Sophie, but Sophie doesn’t look at her. She’s just staring at the wall.
“Parker… that… how could you do that?”
“I don’t know,” Parker says, self loathing flowing up her throat. It tastes like bile. Fuck, maybe it was. She tries to force it down. “I hurt him, Sophie…” she chokes back a sob. “And I hate myself for it…”
Sophie tried to help her work through that, but it was hard. She was watched constantly by them for two whole months. For a while Hardison wouldn’t be alone with her, but after a month went by, he started to feel a bit more comfortable around her. Parker was doing better too, a lot better. She was happier, even though she still felt empty without Hardison. She didn’t try to have sex with any of them, she didn’t touch any of them wrong. She didn’t manipulate, and she tried very, very hard to get better.
She was down to masturbating only two times a week now, after two months. Eliot said that was more than acceptable, seeing as he wacked off at least three times a week. Nate made a face and told him to never share that kind of information again, even if he is trying to make a point. Eliot gave Nate a look with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow that Parker is pretty sure means he’s coming to terms with his gayness for Nate. But she doesn’t pry.
Mainly cause she’d rather not get yelled at again.
Everything was kind of back to normal again. Well, actually better than normal. She could go on jobs now, and she found the joy in stealing again. She laughed, she played, she had fun jumping off of buildings and feeling the adrenaline rush through her veins.
She didn’t have sex for seven and a half whole months.
While it took time to get things better between her and Hardison, finally things were normal with them. It took months, but it was normal again. He smiled at her, and she loved being around him. They would make fun of Eliot together, laugh, just… have fun. They would hang out sometimes, just the two of them, now that she was doing better with her recovery.
They were lying on his couch one day, just watching a movie, when for the first time in so long… he held her hand. She smiled, but didn’t say anything. She just snuggled up to him, and he put his arm around her. There was silence for awhile, until he says, “I’m still in love with you.” It was quiet, like he didn’t know if he should say it.
She had a lot of time to think about her and Hardison. And some months ago, she did realize she was in love with him too. He was everything to her, and it hurt her so much that because she had hurt him, they could never be together again. She fucked up her one chance.
So she wasn’t going to fuck up her one chance to tell him, “I’m in love with you, too.”
He purses his lips, looking down at her. She doesn’t say anything. They just look at each other for awhile. And that was that… for awhile.
It was almost a month later that they kissed again for what felt like forever. They were running from security, and hid in a tiny little storage closet. Breathing heavy, adrenaline flowing through their body, they just looked at each other, pressed against each other so closely… and then it just happened. She has no idea which one of them moved first, but suddenly his tongue was in her mouth and her arms were wrapped around his neck and she kissed him with all the passion and feeling she could muster.
It was kind of awkward after that.
“We should… talk,” Hardison tells her two days later, showing up on her doorstep.
They didn’t talk for twenty minutes. They just kind of sat on the couch on opposite ends, stealing glances at each other. Finally Parker says, “You don’t want to date me again.”
“I shouldn’t,” he says, shifting uncomfortably. “I mean I… but I just…” he sighs, leaning his head back against the couch. “Damnit.”
“You’re mad ‘cause you love me.”
“It’s hard because you love me,” Hardison corrects. “I lived with unrequited love with you for a long time. I learned to not let it bother me. If we both love each other then just staying away is stupid and self-hurting. Right?”
Parker shifts nervously. She doesn’t want to say anything… she wants it to be his decision. She has to have it be his decision.
“I need you to participate in this conversation, Parker,” Hardison tells her softly.
“I don’t know. I don’t deserve to have an opinion.”
He turns to look at her, “And this is what our relationship will be: you thinking you don’t have a say in anything because you’re racked with guilt.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts when you’re not around. It’s like someone’s stabbing me with blue safety scissors and then pouring glitter in the wound. Like some kind of beautiful, horrific art project on my chest.”
He cocks an eyebrow at her for a moment, but then nods a little. “Yeah… I know.”
“I want to make it better,” Parker tells him, honestly. “I wanna make things good for you. I ruined them and I should be the one to fix them.”
Hardison takes a slow breath, and looks at the wall. Parker counts the seconds it in her head that it takes him to speak. “Come… here, for a second,” he requests, softly.
Parker moves over on the couch to sit next to him automatically. He just looks at her for a moment, before brushing the hair out of her face. It makes her smile, him touching her. “I love you,” she says again, she just needs to say it. He smiles, and then he leans in, capturing her lips softly with his.
It was so much better dating Hardison when she was… well, better. It was funny, easier. She didn’t feel the compulsive need to just rip his clothes off anymore, though she’d be lying if she said she didn’t still think about it. It worried her for a minute, and she told Hardison, but he told her that it’s normal. She didn’t like that answer, told him that it’s bad when she thinks of sex. It took awhile for him to convince her that it’s not healthy to go from one extreme to the other. She needed a balance.
He did give her that balance, finally. One month and fourteen days after they started dating again, seven whole months since the incident… he made love to her. And god, did it scare the hell out of her. At least at first.
“What are you doing?” she asks, obviously frightened by the prospect of sex. His hand had touched her breast for the first time while they were kissing… ever.
“Sorry,” he says automatically, withdrawing his hand. His breathing was just as labored as hers… they had been going at it for awhile. “I just… I’m sorry. That was my bad. My control issue.”
“Sex is bad,” she tells him.
“Parker, no. Sex is not…” he sighs. “It’s not bad. Okay? I know you’re scared because you think you won’t be able to control yourself if you do, and I just wish you could see for one second how much, amazing progress you’ve made. You’re nothing like you were seven months ago. You’ve learned control.”
“But what if I lose it?” she asks in a feeble voice. She chews on her bottom lip and admits, “I already think about you naked a lot. A LOT.”
“I think about you naked a lot too.”
“You do?” Parker asks. Does he have a sex problem now? Oh no, what if it’s contagious?
He notices her worried look and her laughs a little bit. “Baby, it’s normal, okay? It’s normal to think about wanting to touch each other. The main thing is that we’ve gone slow, okay? And we’ll continue going slow, if that’s what you want. Baby steps. We don’t have to try this now if you don’t feel ready.”
Parker takes a deep breath. She did want to have sex with Hardison. Very badly, in fact. She knew she was wet, she was already planning on dealing with it herself later. But he wants to…
“Slow,” she says. He moves to get off of her, thinking she meant slow as in not now, but she pulls him back. “No, I mean… just do it… slow. One thing at a time. I’ll see what I can handle. But if I say stop, you have to stop.”
“Parker,” he says seriously. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes…”
“Then trust me when I say I am not going to push you into anything. I can wait another six months if I have to, okay? I promise you that.”
She nods slowly, biting her bottom lip nervously. “Should I get naked?” He smirks a little at her, amused.
“Not yet.”
And then he kisses her, and she forgets all about everything for awhile. It’s just kissing, him lying half on top of her. After awhile she feels his hand slowly making its way down her body, over her clothes, making all of her senses feel like they were on fire. She pushes into him a little, letting him know it’s okay. It wasn’t scaring her yet. She had a handle on this.
His lips fall to her neck and she closes her eyes, grabbing onto his shirt with her hands as she moans softly. Everything in her body was tingling, as if it was finally letting her feel all the anticipation she kept shoved down in a dark little closet for a long time. He whispers in her ear that she’s beautiful, and she smiles and bites down on her lower lip as she feels his hand start to go under her shirt.
But when he touches her, it’s like nothing else mattered for one brief moment, and she got aggressive. She flips him over, lips crashing against his, only to break for one short moment as she pulls her shirt up over her head and tosses it to the ground. But in that moment he also said:
“Parker, relax. Slow…”
She stops, breathing heavily for a moment, looking down at him. Damnit, look what she did! He touches her once and she becomes some sort of animal. He can see the distraught look on her face, so he quickly says, “No, no, it’s not bad. You’re fine, okay? I half expected that to happen. It’s fine, you’re in control now, and you’re fine,” he stresses.
Parker breathes a little. “Okay…” she says, finally. “Okay, I can do this. I can have sex with you properly.” He smirks.
“I don’t think that ‘proper’ and ‘sex’ go in the same sentence.”
She narrows her eyes at him. “Shut up,” she says, but giggles as he rolls her back over so she’s on bottom. “For some reason when you say proper I think of stuffy British people,” he teases her, then puts on this horrible British accent, “Would you like a spot of tea? Maybe a brandy? And then afterwards we can romp around in a proper sexual manner!”
She giggles.
He kisses her again, and she’s giggling into his mouth. She can feel him smile before he takes his lips off of hers and find their destination around one of her nipples. Her giggles turn to moans and she arches her back into him, letting out a little breath. “God,” she whispers.
His lips don’t stay on her nipple though; he’s kissing every part of her that he can reach, and her hands are pulling at his shirt, trying to get it off. He sits up for a second to pull it over his head before his lips find hers again. This wasn’t like normal sex. She had had sex hundreds of times, but it was never like this. This didn’t feel dirty, and it didn’t feel wrong. Every single time she’d had sex before this… she hated herself during it.
But she didn’t hate herself now. She was smiling now.
She doesn’t know why it feels different. Maybe it’s because it’s Hardison. Maybe it’s because she’s in love. Maybe it’s because it’s slow and it’s sweet and he’s not just using her pussy for his own pleasure. He’s taking his time, making her feel good. And it’s weird, because even though she used to have orgasms… those orgasms didn’t compare to this.
As they kiss they start discarding their clothes until finally… he’s nude against her. Parker gasps from the feeling of him and her nails dig into his arm, trying to stay in control. She wants to throw him down and fuck the hell out of him, have him pull her hair and violate her. But he whispers softly in her ear, “You’re okay… breathe. Slow…”
She purses her lips and nods, feeling heat shoot all the way up her spine from her core. God, he felt amazing against her. She takes a shuddering breath, willing to have control. She was fine. She was not going to just… take him. Have him take her and have it just be… just that. It had to be more than that.
He kisses her again, their tongues intertwining, their bodies pressed together, and he breaks only for a moment as his hand slides down over her stomach. “I’m going to touch you now,” he tells her softly. “You going to be okay?”
Parker doesn’t say anything for a moment, but grips him harder, knowing she has to concentrate to not become an animal. Finally she nods slowly, ready. His fingers slip over her slowly, and she tenses. She has to urge to throw him down again as she gasps, but he whispers, “You’re okay… I’m going to make love to you, Parker… we’re not just going to fuck… okay? So let me… let me…. just do this…” he’s breathing heavily, and she can tell he’s turned on just by finally touching her. She breathes and focuses on just him, not the sex. When he presses against her clit she bites her lower lip and pants a little, grabbing onto him tighter.
“Alec…” she breathes out, closing her eyes. She spreads her legs a little for him, and she can feel him start to kiss down her stomach. He’s caressing her softly, and she slides her hands off of him to let him move, grabbing onto the bed instead. But he’s stopped right above her hairline… and then she feels it.
Hardison’s kissing her… kissing her scars. Every single one of them. Something rises up in her that she can’t control, and it’s not the animalistic out of control urge she was fighting before. Now it’s a lump in her throat, and she doesn’t know why it’s making her want to cry… but she does.
She sniffs a little, feeling a tear fall down her cheek. He looks up as he hears her, and his eyes go wide. “Baby, baby what’s wrong?” he asks, coming back up to kiss her softly. “Parker don’t cry… I won’t kiss you there if you don’t want me to…”
But it’s not that. She doesn’t know where it comes from, but she practically throws herself at him, kissing him between her crying desperation. He kisses her back, realizing that she’s not upset, just getting emotional. He lays her back down, just kissing her for awhile. When the crying has mostly subsided, he kisses the tears away on her cheeks and she closes her eyes.
She really in no way deserves him.
Parker can feel him move for a second, and she opens her eyes to see him lean over to the bedside table and grab a condom. He holds it up to her in question. She can’t speak, but she can nod. She holds out her hands to him and nods, pulling him to her again as her lips find his again.
She can still feel herself crying, but it’s silently. The tears fall down her cheeks and he kisses them away again. She sniffs, wiping them with the back of her hand while he sits up and unwraps the condom. It made her feel like a virgin. At least… she supposes this is how it would feel. She never got to experience it properly, and she’s pretty sure the nervousness and the anticipation and the emotion would probably be what happens.
At least she kind of saved her virginity for this man. This… perfect man… Her man…
She smiles a little at that thought, and he smiles back at her. When he’s unrolled the condom onto his shaft, his lips are on hers again. She spreads her legs, positioning her hips to give him better access as she wraps her arms around his neck. Her heart is pounding in her chest, her breathing labored, and she looks into his eyes as he pulls away from her for a moment. “You alright?” he asks again, softly.
“I’m perfect,” she tells him quietly. She smiles a little, the confidence in herself that she can do this rising, and she leans in and whispers, “Make love to me, Alec. Please…”
When their lips meet again, she can feel him at her opening. She almost holds her breath, waiting. But he’s pausing, as if he’s really unsure, and she begs softly against his lips, “Please…” before he finally slides inside of her. Her eyes close and she gasps, her nails digging into him, but not because of control - because of pleasure. “Oh my god…” she pants out as he starts to rock against her, his labored breathing tickling her lips.
It was so slow, so agonizingly slow but it was so perfect all at the same time. With each thrust she cried out his name, her back arching and her senses exploding. This wasn’t sex; this was heaven. There was no way that this could ever be considered what she used to do because it was nothing like that. She can feel his body heat radiating off of him in waves, see the light sheen of sweat covering his body as they go at it for what seems like forever. He’s so beautiful, every single part of him.
And what’s more… for the first time in her life… she felt beautiful. He made her feel like the most beautiful person in the world.
When they came, it wasn’t mixed with cursing and screaming like all her other encounters. It was more a moment than something vocalized, though she was loud. She said his name over and over, not being able to stop. She held onto him as her head spun and her vision clouded and god… that was a drug.
Hardison may not have been the first person to have sex with her, or even the one hundredth… but he was the only person to ever make love to her.
And she wouldn’t trade that for anything.
THE END
Author: cuzimastripper
Beta: koryou
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Parker/Hardison (includes references to Parker/Nate, Parker/Sophie, Parker/Eliot) ... oh and there's some Nate/Eliot UST
Word Length (this part only): 6,429 words
Total Word Length: 21,588 words
Summary: She always knew he'd be the one to save her... but she never thought she'd be the one to destroy him.
Warning: **** DARK!FIC **** like, for real. It has a happy ending, I have a sickness with those, but this is kind of uber!dark. There is no character death: the title is a metaphor lol. This deals with a very real sex addiction and how it can form and manifest in people and pretty much destroy their lives.
A/N: I've written a couple stories for Leverage that has to do with real, dark issues like this before, but this is the first time ever posting it publicly. Well, okay, I did deal with domestic abuse and have skated lightly over rape, but this is much more in depth and... yeah. So. Read at your own risk.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO
PART III
She lasted a whole week and a half with just masturbating until finally she felt like she was going insane. It had been, what? Almost three weeks now since she had sex. It was driving her crazy. She would look at Hardison and all she could think about was running her tongue over his abs. She wanted to touch him so bad, have him touch her. And she’s pretty sure he could tell something was going on with her, because he kept asking if she was okay.
“Fine,” she’d lie.
But she wasn’t fine. All she could think about was having Hardison buried deep inside of her and taking what belonged to him. And she did now; belong to him. She was all his. And she wanted to give all of herself to him. And it was driving her crazy.
She couldn’t take it anymore.
They were sleeping. Well, trying to sleep. Okay, well, he was sleeping. She was too horny to think, let alone sleep. She was watching him, breathing lightly, contently, as he slept, and she gets an idea.
…Would it be wrong to just… look?
Deciding that’s not too bad, she carefully slides the covers off of him, being careful not to wake him. He was in his boxers, and she bites her lower lip as she gets excited about what she’s about to do. Part of her knows it’s wrong, but she just… she just can’t help herself. He was just there.
She carefully, carefully slides his boxers down. He mumbles something in his sleep and she freezes, but he doesn’t wake up. She relaxes, and then gets a dirty little smirk on her face. God… look at him. He was fucking… just… god.
Her breathing starts to pick up as she slides her hand in her panties, finding herself completely soaked. She moans softly, just staring at him like he was some kind of great porn video. But as she continues to pleasure herself while looking at him, the urge to touch him becomes so uncontrollable that she can’t stop it.
She sits up, looking down at him, making sure he’s still fast asleep. When she finds that he is, her fingers start to trail lightly over his shaft. Hardison mumbles again in his sleep, shifting a little bit. But he doesn’t wake up, so she gets bolder, wrapping her hand around it. She wanted to get him hard. She’s jerking him off, and Hardison’s making little sounds in his sleep. He’s probably thinking he’s dreaming. It makes her smile. Well, if he’s gonna dream about it, she might as well make it good.
Unfortunately, when her mouth wraps around him… it wakes him up.
“Wha-?” he mumbles incoherently, confused and disoriented. Then he seems to realize what’s going on, because he pushes Parker off of him… hard. “What are you doing?!”
“I’m sorry!” she says automatically, the guilt ripping through her so fast it almost feels like it’s destroying her. The way he’s looking at her… oh god, she doesn’t like that.
He looks like he’s almost scared of her.
“You… you fucking… oh my god,” he says, like he couldn’t believe that she would do something like that. He pulls his boxers back up and gets off the bed, backing away from her.
“I’m sorry!” Parker says again. “I just couldn’t take it! I couldn’t stop myself!”
“Parker…. You just fucking… molested me! Do you realize that?!”
“What?” she asks, confused, hurt, and just… defensive. “How can I molest you? You’re my boyfriend! You’re supposed to like it!”
“I have to get away from you,” he says, though it sounds like it’s more to himself than to her. He starts to walk away.
“Alec!”
“No, Parker!” he yells, turning to face her. “You just crossed the line. You don’t play with someone’s genitals when they’re sleeping! That’s called molestation!”
“But I didn’t-” She couldn’t…
“You did!” Hardison yells at her, and she feels like she’s crumbling inside. What was she? She couldn’t be… she couldn’t be one of those people. She wasn’t!
“No!” she yells, desperate for him to tell her that he’s lying to her. She can’t handle this, not right now.
“I’m not sleeping with you tonight,” he tells her, furious. “Stay in here. Don’t do anything stupid.” And then he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Parker just… breaks.
She was exactly like her mother. She might not have let someone molest her child but she molested someone. What does that say about her? What does that make her? Parker screams, rage and fury directed at herself and she just wants to… tear herself apart.
She was disgusting! She was filthy and dirty and just so fucking sick! She was NOTHING! Such a dirty fucking whore who took whatever she wanted and just hurt everyone!
She screams again, and locks the door before she punches the mirror. It shatters, slicing open her hand. She can hear the bangs on the door as Hardison tries to get back in, but he can’t.
“Parker, what are you doing? OPEN THE DOOR!”
Parker chokes back a sob and grabs a piece of glass. Squeezing her hand around it, she watches the blood pour from the wounds and drip down her arm. She can hear Hardison trying to kick the door in. She just cries, and she doesn’t even realize her hand had moved until she feels a sting, and she realized she just gashed open her forearm.
There’s another kick, and a splintering sound. But Parker can barely hear it, she’s just watching the blood continue to flow out of her. It was so beautiful, in this sick, disgusting way. It’s how she should look… all covered in blood. It’s what she was. A monster.
Another splinter and a crash and then suddenly Hardison’s frantic, screaming at the sight of her. “Parker! Fuck, stop it!” He grabs the piece of glass out of her hand, cutting himself in the process. There’s too much blood. He’s hyperventilating, scared to death, but he picks her up. She just felt so numb, so… nothing. She didn’t care anymore. She barely noticed as he threw her in the car and took her to the hospital.
She doesn’t know when she passed out.
When she woke though, she could hear the beeping noise on the heart monitor, and could see Hardison, Nate, Eliot, and... Sophie? They were talking to the doctor, each looking more worried than the last. What had happened? Ow, her arm hurts. Ow, shit, so do her hands. She looks down… she was bandaged up. A lot.
“Parker,” she hears Sophie say softly as she realizes she’s awake. Everyone else turns to look at her. She just blinks, staring at all of them. What happened?
“I feel… funny,” she manages to get out. She does. She feels really weak. She must have lost a lot of blood.
“You almost fuckin’ killed yourself,” Eliot says, anger and hurt coloring his voice. He’s looking like he’s almost on the verge of tears… but Eliot doesn’t cry. Right?
“What?”
“I’ll give you a few minutes alone,” the doctor says softly, but he’s looking at Parker like she’s some sort of… maybe a fuck up? What did she do?
“What happened?” Parker asks. Her head hurts. God, headache. She doesn’t like the lights in this place. They danced in front of her eyes and poked them with hot branding irons. Or something. Ow.
“You sliced yourself open pretty badly,” Nate tells her, and his eyes fall to rest on her bandages. She looks down at them too, confused. Then stuff starts coming back to her… but slowly. Confusing. Almost like it was a dream. Pieces were missing. Big chunks, small chunks… it was fuzzy.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?” Sophie asks, and Parker just now realizes she’s crying. Oh no, she didn’t want to make her do that.
“I… I didn’t. I don’t think. No. I was just… I was mad… I didn’t want to die,” Parker tells her as she tries to remember. She’s pretty sure she didn’t want to die. Just… destroy. Destroying felt… it felt nice. It made her happy almost.
Though right now, it doesn’t seem very worth it.
“Great, she gets angry and she needs to have sex. We take away sex and she needs to slice herself open. This isn’t working,” Eliot says, frustrated.
“Eliot, shut up,” Hardison says, his eyes narrowing. He’s pissed that Eliot isn’t being positive. They’re both visibly upset though, and as men, the only way they seem to be able to handle it is with anger. “You don’t know what happened.”
“I don’t know because you don’t tell us! How are we supposed to help if you keep everything a secret?!”
“It’s not my business to tell!”
“Oh, just like it wasn’t your business to tell us that you two are now dating?! That’s probably the stupidest fucking most selfish decision you’ve ever made. Parker can’t date right now! LOOK AT HER!”
Eliot was right. Hardison was right in the first place. Why didn’t she listen? She couldn’t date. Look what she did…
“Both of you, SHUT UP!” Nate yells. They both fall silent. “You aren’t helping.”
Sophie’s still crying, and she buries her face in Nate’s chest. It makes Parker want to cry. She doesn’t want her to do that! This is bad. Look what she’s doing! “Sophie, I wasn’t trying to die,” she tries, but Sophie just keeps crying.
Other patients were starting to stare. Parker definitely wants to leave now. She doesn’t like being looked at like some sort of midget on rollerblades juggling forks.
“Can we go home now?” she asks in a small voice.
Nate just sighs. “Soon. But you’re not going back over Hardison’s. You’re going over my house.”
“Why?”
“Because every single fucking one of us is going to watch you now. You’re not… you’re not safe.”
“I’m fine. I won’t do it again,” Parker tells him, but every single one of them looks at her like they don’t believe her. She frowns.
Being watched twenty-four seven by four different people was weird. She couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone anymore. Though Sophie was the one that got that duty, everyone else felt too weird being in the room when she had to use the toilet, and they all nominated Sophie since ‘girls always go to the bathroom in pairs anyway.’ Sophie mumbled something about men being bloody fucking stupid, but relented.
Three days after that happened, she was taking a shower, Sophie sitting on the toilet seat as she waited for her to finish. The curtain was like a foggy clear, and she could keep seeing Sophie glance over at her silhouette every now and then. She was trying to get better, really she was. Now, anyway. But this wasn’t easy for Sophie, especially since she seems to be going through realizing she likes women, and Parker could see the window of opportunity.
So she tries to make the temptation go away. That was the biggest step she’s ever taken, and no matter what happens… she is proud of herself for that.
“Sophie, you should go get someone else to watch me,” she tells her. She was getting turned on by Sophie’s fleeting glances, knowing she’s looking at her. Knowing she’s thinking about her naked. If Sophie continued to stay here… well…
“What? Why?”
“You’re making me horny.”
“I’m sitting on the bloody toilet. How can I be doing that?” she asks incredulously.
“You keep looking at me through the curtain. You’re thinking about me naked,” Parker tells her, and is fighting her own will so she wouldn’t start touching herself, just listening to Sophie’s voice. She did love her accent, it was sexy.
“Parker, I can control my own thoughts,” Sophie defends.
“Sophie, I swear to god, if you don’t get someone else, I am going to rip off your clothes and fuck the hell out of you, and Hardison will be so mad at me. I’m not allowed to cheat.”
Sophie blinks, standing up. She’s a bit shocked by how blunt Parker was with that. She stutters an acceptance and leaves quickly. Parker bites on her lower lip softly and slides her fingers over her clit. God, this wasn’t fair. She can never seem to have total control over this. At least she got Sophie out of the room. She moans, leaning her head against the cold tile. Fuck, this felt good.
But then the door opens. She doesn’t care, she’s too into it now.
“No! No way!” she hears Nate yell. “She’s masturbating! Oh god…” he says it like he’s afraid of it.
“THEN STOP HER!” someone yells, Parker can’t tell who. Probably Eliot or Sophie.
“You do it! I’m not gonna… just, no!” Nate yells, and she can hear him leave, but she doesn’t care. She moans again, panting a little as she gets herself off. There’s more arguing, and then suddenly she hears the door open and then close behind whoever just came in.
“Just finish,” she hears Hardison tells her softly, but it’s almost like defeat. “I know you need to.”
“God,” she pants out, relief washing through her as she realizes no one’s going to stop her. “Mmfpph… fuck… Alec, I’m sorry…” she manages to get out, before her eyes close tightly shut and she grits her teeth, trying not to scream as she cums so hard she can feel it squirt down her legs. She lets out a breath and leans heavily against the wall. Shit.
The only thing that can be heard for a long time is the sound the water from the shower head beating against the porcelain of the tub. She bites her lower lip, worried about what he’s going to say. “I’m sorry,” she says again.
“I’m proud of you for telling Sophie to leave when you knew you couldn’t handle it,” Hardison starts, softly. “But…” God, she doesn’t like buts. He sighs, and switches to, “I love you, Parker. But I don’t know if I can…”
She doesn’t let him finish. She whips open the shower curtain, looking at him. She was scared. “Don’t break up with me,” she says quickly. “Please don’t. Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I molested you and I’m sorry I hurt myself and I’m sorry I wanted to fuck Sophie. I am so so so so sorry.”
Hardison just sighs, leaning against the wall. She can tell this is hurting him. “Parker…”
“No,” she says, and she can feel the tears well up in her eyes. She steps out of the shower and comes over to him. Her nakedness barely even fazes him anymore, and she doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. “Please Alec, I’m sorry. You’re the only thing that…” she bites her lower lip and looks down as she wipes one tear away. “You’re the only thing that makes me able to do this… To try to be okay…”
“This just hurts me, Parker. All of this. I love you so much, and I’m trying so hard to help you and I feel like it’s just getting worse.”
“It’s not!” she protests. “It’s not, I made Sophie leave, remember?”
“But you also molested me and then sliced yourself open. That was because of me. If I wasn’t there then that would have never happened.”
Parker blinks, taking a step back from him. Whoa, that was a mind fuck. It was like seeing herself in the mirror. Oh no. “You’re blaming yourself,” she says slowly. “When it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault entirely, I put temptation in front of you and then-”
“No!” she cries. “Shut up! Don’t say that! You told me that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, it was theirs. And what I did to you wasn’t your fault! It’s mine! I FUCKED UP! Okay? I… I… did something really bad to you and I’m so, so sorry. And maybe you shouldn’t forgive me. I don’t think I would. But don’t sit there and say it’s your fault! I’m the one with the problem!”
“Parker…”
“No! No, you stand here and you tell me how sick I was for doing that! I want you to tell me that I fucked up, Alec! It’s MY fault! Say it!”
“No, I won’t-”
“SAY IT!” she screams, “Look at me! Look at what I am! Look at what I did! It wasn’t your fault! Tell me I was wrong!”
“You were wrong, okay?!” Hardison screams suddenly. “Fuck, Parker. It made me feel… it made me feel like some sort of toy for your amusement, like you didn’t even care that I said no, because you were gonna take it anyway! Yes, I love you, and yes I would’ve loved to make love to you when you’re ready, but I can’t believe you did that! YOU SCARED ME! And now I’m so god damn paranoid when I go to bed that you’re gonna do it again! I haven’t slept in three days!”
“Fuck,” he swears, and slides down the wall to sit on the floor, putting his head in his hands. Parker’s bottom lip trembles.
“I am so sorry…” she tells him softly. “I am so… so sorry…” she’s crying now, and he looks up at her. Their eyes just connect for a long time before he reaches up, touching her cheek lightly.
“I know,” he says softly. Pain is written all over his face, and she knows it’s the end. “But I don’t know if I can forgive you right now.”
She doesn’t beg him, she doesn’t tell him that she needs him. She can’t. Her voice doesn’t work anymore, and she just watches as he gets up, leaving her in a naked, distraught heap on the floor. So she does the only thing she can do… she just cries.
Parker didn’t get out of bed for four days after that. All she did was cry. She cried so much she doesn’t know how she hasn’t shriveled up to a raisin by now.
Sophie stayed with her the most; no one else could bear to keep watch on her when all she did was cry. Sophie would hold her though, stroke her hair and try to comfort her. Sophie didn’t know why they broke up, but she never asked. She just tried to keep Parker as relatively calm as she could. She started reading to her, just trying to get her mind off of things. Parker would lay her head in her lap and just stare at the wall, eyes bloodshot and mouth dry… and just try to think of the happy places Sophie was reading about.
On the fourth day, Parker told her what happened.
“I touched Alec when he was sleeping,” she mumbles softly, while laying her head in her lap. The hand that’s stroking her hair stops. Parker winces internally, waiting for her to yell or tell her she’s disgusting or something.
Sophie sighs softly, and is quiet for a really long time. “That’s why he hasn’t been sleeping.”
“He’s scared of me now,” Parker says, feeling the lump form in her throat. She turns to look up at Sophie, but Sophie doesn’t look at her. She’s just staring at the wall.
“Parker… that… how could you do that?”
“I don’t know,” Parker says, self loathing flowing up her throat. It tastes like bile. Fuck, maybe it was. She tries to force it down. “I hurt him, Sophie…” she chokes back a sob. “And I hate myself for it…”
Sophie tried to help her work through that, but it was hard. She was watched constantly by them for two whole months. For a while Hardison wouldn’t be alone with her, but after a month went by, he started to feel a bit more comfortable around her. Parker was doing better too, a lot better. She was happier, even though she still felt empty without Hardison. She didn’t try to have sex with any of them, she didn’t touch any of them wrong. She didn’t manipulate, and she tried very, very hard to get better.
She was down to masturbating only two times a week now, after two months. Eliot said that was more than acceptable, seeing as he wacked off at least three times a week. Nate made a face and told him to never share that kind of information again, even if he is trying to make a point. Eliot gave Nate a look with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow that Parker is pretty sure means he’s coming to terms with his gayness for Nate. But she doesn’t pry.
Mainly cause she’d rather not get yelled at again.
Everything was kind of back to normal again. Well, actually better than normal. She could go on jobs now, and she found the joy in stealing again. She laughed, she played, she had fun jumping off of buildings and feeling the adrenaline rush through her veins.
She didn’t have sex for seven and a half whole months.
While it took time to get things better between her and Hardison, finally things were normal with them. It took months, but it was normal again. He smiled at her, and she loved being around him. They would make fun of Eliot together, laugh, just… have fun. They would hang out sometimes, just the two of them, now that she was doing better with her recovery.
They were lying on his couch one day, just watching a movie, when for the first time in so long… he held her hand. She smiled, but didn’t say anything. She just snuggled up to him, and he put his arm around her. There was silence for awhile, until he says, “I’m still in love with you.” It was quiet, like he didn’t know if he should say it.
She had a lot of time to think about her and Hardison. And some months ago, she did realize she was in love with him too. He was everything to her, and it hurt her so much that because she had hurt him, they could never be together again. She fucked up her one chance.
So she wasn’t going to fuck up her one chance to tell him, “I’m in love with you, too.”
He purses his lips, looking down at her. She doesn’t say anything. They just look at each other for awhile. And that was that… for awhile.
It was almost a month later that they kissed again for what felt like forever. They were running from security, and hid in a tiny little storage closet. Breathing heavy, adrenaline flowing through their body, they just looked at each other, pressed against each other so closely… and then it just happened. She has no idea which one of them moved first, but suddenly his tongue was in her mouth and her arms were wrapped around his neck and she kissed him with all the passion and feeling she could muster.
It was kind of awkward after that.
“We should… talk,” Hardison tells her two days later, showing up on her doorstep.
They didn’t talk for twenty minutes. They just kind of sat on the couch on opposite ends, stealing glances at each other. Finally Parker says, “You don’t want to date me again.”
“I shouldn’t,” he says, shifting uncomfortably. “I mean I… but I just…” he sighs, leaning his head back against the couch. “Damnit.”
“You’re mad ‘cause you love me.”
“It’s hard because you love me,” Hardison corrects. “I lived with unrequited love with you for a long time. I learned to not let it bother me. If we both love each other then just staying away is stupid and self-hurting. Right?”
Parker shifts nervously. She doesn’t want to say anything… she wants it to be his decision. She has to have it be his decision.
“I need you to participate in this conversation, Parker,” Hardison tells her softly.
“I don’t know. I don’t deserve to have an opinion.”
He turns to look at her, “And this is what our relationship will be: you thinking you don’t have a say in anything because you’re racked with guilt.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts when you’re not around. It’s like someone’s stabbing me with blue safety scissors and then pouring glitter in the wound. Like some kind of beautiful, horrific art project on my chest.”
He cocks an eyebrow at her for a moment, but then nods a little. “Yeah… I know.”
“I want to make it better,” Parker tells him, honestly. “I wanna make things good for you. I ruined them and I should be the one to fix them.”
Hardison takes a slow breath, and looks at the wall. Parker counts the seconds it in her head that it takes him to speak. “Come… here, for a second,” he requests, softly.
Parker moves over on the couch to sit next to him automatically. He just looks at her for a moment, before brushing the hair out of her face. It makes her smile, him touching her. “I love you,” she says again, she just needs to say it. He smiles, and then he leans in, capturing her lips softly with his.
It was so much better dating Hardison when she was… well, better. It was funny, easier. She didn’t feel the compulsive need to just rip his clothes off anymore, though she’d be lying if she said she didn’t still think about it. It worried her for a minute, and she told Hardison, but he told her that it’s normal. She didn’t like that answer, told him that it’s bad when she thinks of sex. It took awhile for him to convince her that it’s not healthy to go from one extreme to the other. She needed a balance.
He did give her that balance, finally. One month and fourteen days after they started dating again, seven whole months since the incident… he made love to her. And god, did it scare the hell out of her. At least at first.
“What are you doing?” she asks, obviously frightened by the prospect of sex. His hand had touched her breast for the first time while they were kissing… ever.
“Sorry,” he says automatically, withdrawing his hand. His breathing was just as labored as hers… they had been going at it for awhile. “I just… I’m sorry. That was my bad. My control issue.”
“Sex is bad,” she tells him.
“Parker, no. Sex is not…” he sighs. “It’s not bad. Okay? I know you’re scared because you think you won’t be able to control yourself if you do, and I just wish you could see for one second how much, amazing progress you’ve made. You’re nothing like you were seven months ago. You’ve learned control.”
“But what if I lose it?” she asks in a feeble voice. She chews on her bottom lip and admits, “I already think about you naked a lot. A LOT.”
“I think about you naked a lot too.”
“You do?” Parker asks. Does he have a sex problem now? Oh no, what if it’s contagious?
He notices her worried look and her laughs a little bit. “Baby, it’s normal, okay? It’s normal to think about wanting to touch each other. The main thing is that we’ve gone slow, okay? And we’ll continue going slow, if that’s what you want. Baby steps. We don’t have to try this now if you don’t feel ready.”
Parker takes a deep breath. She did want to have sex with Hardison. Very badly, in fact. She knew she was wet, she was already planning on dealing with it herself later. But he wants to…
“Slow,” she says. He moves to get off of her, thinking she meant slow as in not now, but she pulls him back. “No, I mean… just do it… slow. One thing at a time. I’ll see what I can handle. But if I say stop, you have to stop.”
“Parker,” he says seriously. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes…”
“Then trust me when I say I am not going to push you into anything. I can wait another six months if I have to, okay? I promise you that.”
She nods slowly, biting her bottom lip nervously. “Should I get naked?” He smirks a little at her, amused.
“Not yet.”
And then he kisses her, and she forgets all about everything for awhile. It’s just kissing, him lying half on top of her. After awhile she feels his hand slowly making its way down her body, over her clothes, making all of her senses feel like they were on fire. She pushes into him a little, letting him know it’s okay. It wasn’t scaring her yet. She had a handle on this.
His lips fall to her neck and she closes her eyes, grabbing onto his shirt with her hands as she moans softly. Everything in her body was tingling, as if it was finally letting her feel all the anticipation she kept shoved down in a dark little closet for a long time. He whispers in her ear that she’s beautiful, and she smiles and bites down on her lower lip as she feels his hand start to go under her shirt.
But when he touches her, it’s like nothing else mattered for one brief moment, and she got aggressive. She flips him over, lips crashing against his, only to break for one short moment as she pulls her shirt up over her head and tosses it to the ground. But in that moment he also said:
“Parker, relax. Slow…”
She stops, breathing heavily for a moment, looking down at him. Damnit, look what she did! He touches her once and she becomes some sort of animal. He can see the distraught look on her face, so he quickly says, “No, no, it’s not bad. You’re fine, okay? I half expected that to happen. It’s fine, you’re in control now, and you’re fine,” he stresses.
Parker breathes a little. “Okay…” she says, finally. “Okay, I can do this. I can have sex with you properly.” He smirks.
“I don’t think that ‘proper’ and ‘sex’ go in the same sentence.”
She narrows her eyes at him. “Shut up,” she says, but giggles as he rolls her back over so she’s on bottom. “For some reason when you say proper I think of stuffy British people,” he teases her, then puts on this horrible British accent, “Would you like a spot of tea? Maybe a brandy? And then afterwards we can romp around in a proper sexual manner!”
She giggles.
He kisses her again, and she’s giggling into his mouth. She can feel him smile before he takes his lips off of hers and find their destination around one of her nipples. Her giggles turn to moans and she arches her back into him, letting out a little breath. “God,” she whispers.
His lips don’t stay on her nipple though; he’s kissing every part of her that he can reach, and her hands are pulling at his shirt, trying to get it off. He sits up for a second to pull it over his head before his lips find hers again. This wasn’t like normal sex. She had had sex hundreds of times, but it was never like this. This didn’t feel dirty, and it didn’t feel wrong. Every single time she’d had sex before this… she hated herself during it.
But she didn’t hate herself now. She was smiling now.
She doesn’t know why it feels different. Maybe it’s because it’s Hardison. Maybe it’s because she’s in love. Maybe it’s because it’s slow and it’s sweet and he’s not just using her pussy for his own pleasure. He’s taking his time, making her feel good. And it’s weird, because even though she used to have orgasms… those orgasms didn’t compare to this.
As they kiss they start discarding their clothes until finally… he’s nude against her. Parker gasps from the feeling of him and her nails dig into his arm, trying to stay in control. She wants to throw him down and fuck the hell out of him, have him pull her hair and violate her. But he whispers softly in her ear, “You’re okay… breathe. Slow…”
She purses her lips and nods, feeling heat shoot all the way up her spine from her core. God, he felt amazing against her. She takes a shuddering breath, willing to have control. She was fine. She was not going to just… take him. Have him take her and have it just be… just that. It had to be more than that.
He kisses her again, their tongues intertwining, their bodies pressed together, and he breaks only for a moment as his hand slides down over her stomach. “I’m going to touch you now,” he tells her softly. “You going to be okay?”
Parker doesn’t say anything for a moment, but grips him harder, knowing she has to concentrate to not become an animal. Finally she nods slowly, ready. His fingers slip over her slowly, and she tenses. She has to urge to throw him down again as she gasps, but he whispers, “You’re okay… I’m going to make love to you, Parker… we’re not just going to fuck… okay? So let me… let me…. just do this…” he’s breathing heavily, and she can tell he’s turned on just by finally touching her. She breathes and focuses on just him, not the sex. When he presses against her clit she bites her lower lip and pants a little, grabbing onto him tighter.
“Alec…” she breathes out, closing her eyes. She spreads her legs a little for him, and she can feel him start to kiss down her stomach. He’s caressing her softly, and she slides her hands off of him to let him move, grabbing onto the bed instead. But he’s stopped right above her hairline… and then she feels it.
Hardison’s kissing her… kissing her scars. Every single one of them. Something rises up in her that she can’t control, and it’s not the animalistic out of control urge she was fighting before. Now it’s a lump in her throat, and she doesn’t know why it’s making her want to cry… but she does.
She sniffs a little, feeling a tear fall down her cheek. He looks up as he hears her, and his eyes go wide. “Baby, baby what’s wrong?” he asks, coming back up to kiss her softly. “Parker don’t cry… I won’t kiss you there if you don’t want me to…”
But it’s not that. She doesn’t know where it comes from, but she practically throws herself at him, kissing him between her crying desperation. He kisses her back, realizing that she’s not upset, just getting emotional. He lays her back down, just kissing her for awhile. When the crying has mostly subsided, he kisses the tears away on her cheeks and she closes her eyes.
She really in no way deserves him.
Parker can feel him move for a second, and she opens her eyes to see him lean over to the bedside table and grab a condom. He holds it up to her in question. She can’t speak, but she can nod. She holds out her hands to him and nods, pulling him to her again as her lips find his again.
She can still feel herself crying, but it’s silently. The tears fall down her cheeks and he kisses them away again. She sniffs, wiping them with the back of her hand while he sits up and unwraps the condom. It made her feel like a virgin. At least… she supposes this is how it would feel. She never got to experience it properly, and she’s pretty sure the nervousness and the anticipation and the emotion would probably be what happens.
At least she kind of saved her virginity for this man. This… perfect man… Her man…
She smiles a little at that thought, and he smiles back at her. When he’s unrolled the condom onto his shaft, his lips are on hers again. She spreads her legs, positioning her hips to give him better access as she wraps her arms around his neck. Her heart is pounding in her chest, her breathing labored, and she looks into his eyes as he pulls away from her for a moment. “You alright?” he asks again, softly.
“I’m perfect,” she tells him quietly. She smiles a little, the confidence in herself that she can do this rising, and she leans in and whispers, “Make love to me, Alec. Please…”
When their lips meet again, she can feel him at her opening. She almost holds her breath, waiting. But he’s pausing, as if he’s really unsure, and she begs softly against his lips, “Please…” before he finally slides inside of her. Her eyes close and she gasps, her nails digging into him, but not because of control - because of pleasure. “Oh my god…” she pants out as he starts to rock against her, his labored breathing tickling her lips.
It was so slow, so agonizingly slow but it was so perfect all at the same time. With each thrust she cried out his name, her back arching and her senses exploding. This wasn’t sex; this was heaven. There was no way that this could ever be considered what she used to do because it was nothing like that. She can feel his body heat radiating off of him in waves, see the light sheen of sweat covering his body as they go at it for what seems like forever. He’s so beautiful, every single part of him.
And what’s more… for the first time in her life… she felt beautiful. He made her feel like the most beautiful person in the world.
When they came, it wasn’t mixed with cursing and screaming like all her other encounters. It was more a moment than something vocalized, though she was loud. She said his name over and over, not being able to stop. She held onto him as her head spun and her vision clouded and god… that was a drug.
Hardison may not have been the first person to have sex with her, or even the one hundredth… but he was the only person to ever make love to her.
And she wouldn’t trade that for anything.
THE END